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Thread: How to get the romance back

  1. #1
    Moderator Jessie_tinydancer's Avatar
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    Default How to get the romance back

    K so some people may remember I was having a rough patch with my husband a few months back. Well thank god the fighting has stopped. We have an occasional word here and there but totally managed to bring it back mostly by decreasing stressors in our lives and spending more time together.

    Now I have a new problem. I guess it didnt bother me when we were mad at each other all the time, but now its starting to annoy me. The romance is gone. He used to be the most romantic guy. For example he'd make me candle lit bubble baths all the time. Buy me little silly gifts for no reason. Gave me massages all the time. Left love notes all over the house before going to work. Etc etc.

    Anyway yesterday being valentines day I thought maybe just maybe he might plan something for me. Usually we dont do anything big that day. Just go out for dinner but it would be me who makes the booking. So yesterday I planned nothing. And nothing happened. Not a card, nor chocolate, nor flower in sight. I know singles complain about V-day but surely its worse to be in a relationship where the only recognition you get is a hug?? I mean he didnt even come home from the gym till 8.30 so I ate leftover food from the fridge by myself. I had bought him a small gift and card. I think he felt bad but geez... is it that hard? I know he can be romantic so I guess thats why it pisses me off.

    So beyond V-day I just want to feel worshiped and adored. Is that too much to ask? Maybe being a stripper has spoiled me because I see guys jumping through hoops to impress me and my own husband seems to have no interest in making me happy anymore. Dont get me wrong. I will spoil him. I give twice as much as I get. I am a giver but I just want to feel a little more special than a sister.

    Besides talking to him - Ive already done that and will still do it all the time... Any ideas? Im happy to hear from the guys to. Or maybe if girls have stories of their guys bringing it back to the beginning romance so I know there is at least hope.

  2. #2
    Veteran Member AngelKing's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to get the romance back

    As you know I'm in a shitty situation due to a severe lack of communication and honesty. When you guys discussed your situation, how serious was the discussion? Us guys you have to remember are kinda dumb, and more importantly, we live in a COMPLETELY different emotional landscape from you ladies. Things that are important to us seem ridiculous to you all, and vice versa.

    Have you successfully communicated to him how important romance is to you? That it is not just a girly thing, but rather a really fundamental part of your relationship? He needs to understand that it is something upon which a whole stack of other relationship parts are balanced on, and not just lame stuff that he needed to do in the beginning just to land you (which I'm not saying he was thinking at all). Maybe you need to find comparisons with things that are equally important to him in your relationship? Stuff that could severely affect you two being together in the future?

    But most of all, if this is something that is going to make or break your relationship in the long run, you need to take it seriously and go to work on it. Communication between our two species (which men and women basically are) is mindbendingly difficult sometimes, but there are pros out there who speak both languages and get paid to do so.....

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  4. #3
    Moderator Jessie_tinydancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to get the romance back

    ^well the D word has been mentioned several times in the past few months so I think we both know things are serious. We are great at communication but not so great at action.

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    God/dess DesuvsDeath's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to get the romance back

    I think sometimes if you don't establish that "yes we're celebrating and doing gifts"... they just assume that you aren't. Especially if you don't typically make a big deal out of things. :\

    You say he used to give you massages... buy you little things just because... have you thought about doing this sort of thing for him?
    Sometimes I find the best way to 'set/change the tone' in a relationship is to just take steps in the direction I want it moving in myself.
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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  7. #5
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to get the romance back

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessie_tinydancer View Post
    So beyond V-day I just want to feel worshiped and adored. Is that too much to ask? Maybe being a stripper has spoiled me because I see guys jumping through hoops to impress me and my own husband seems to have no interest in making me happy anymore. Dont get me wrong. I will spoil him. I give twice as much as I get. I am a giver but I just want to feel a little more special than a sister.

    Besides talking to him - Ive already done that and will still do it all the time... Any ideas? Im happy to hear from the guys to. Or maybe if girls have stories of their guys bringing it back to the beginning romance so I know there is at least hope.
    Maybe he wants to set himself apart from all the asskissers in the club? If I like a girl and she is surrounded by men kissing her ass I will not stand in line to do the same, no matter how much I like her.

    But I don't know what your situation is (other than this thread of course), and it's sure common for people to lose the magic! Especially if they have been fighting a lot.

    I think if you are really in love, every day is Valentine's Day.

    The fucking commercials on TV make it seem such a pathetic event. 'Better buy her that expensive present if you want to get laid!' seems to be the gist of it, for guys. For women, it seems to be 'How to get him to be nice for one day out of the year, so maybe you will want to fuck him again.' Sorry to be cynical. I don't ever watch TV because of shit like this. The commercials do not inspire me to do something nice, they make me want to wait a week and do it then instead. But since I hardly ever watch TV, if I am with someone I tend to do something special.


    And it can be damned hard to stay in love in these times. Even most so called 'successful' relationships don't impress me much.

    I have been good at it in the past (keeping the magic going), but sometimes it's tough. I am single now so don't have to worry about it. But it can be a lot of fun.

    I don't know what to tell you. From the sounds of it, you are putting some effort into returning the magic, and he isn't. But if you have been through this nasty shit recently, and you are still together, there is hope.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

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  9. #6
    Veteran Member AngelKing's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to get the romance back

    To add to Djoser's astute observation, I would also add that men and women express themselves romantically in very different ways. In fact, romance is a language that us men are often not good at speaking at all, and we often need to be taught it.

  10. #7
    Moderator Jessie_tinydancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to get the romance back

    ^see the problem is he is very very good at it... just not with me anymore. Put some not even hot but new piece of ass in front of him and hes doing anything and everything to impress her. But anyway Im gonna just try to focus on him and hope that if I give enough Ill get what Im looking for in return. If not, then Ill bring it up again.

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    God/dess princessjas's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to get the romance back

    ^^I would just revoke his seeing other people card and tell him when he figures out how to treat you the way you deserve he can have it back. If I'm not feeling secure and like the queen bee so to speak, then there is no way in hell he's allowed to fuck or even flirt with anyone else.....but then I'll admit to being a bit of a spoiled brat.
    "I hear you calling and it's needles and pins. I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name...You're poision. but I don't wanna break these chains.... I wanna love you but I'd better not touch."

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    Default Re: How to get the romance back

    ^ That might work in practice... But, if the only reason he becomes "romantic" with Jessie, is so that she will let him fuck Jane, Kathy and Sabrina - having that as his primary motive just makes his "romance" a sham.

    I think he is expending all this "romance" energy chasing after other tail - in other words, he's taking Jessie for granted - i.e., "I don't need to romance her, she's already my wife!"

    Maybe he thinks that romance is just something you do early on in a relationship and that LTR people don't need romance anymore - like - "I can be my real self around you, and don't have to pretend to be romantic... It is so comforting." Also, what she calls "romance", he might call "game". So, he's thinking - I don't have to "game" Jessie, she's already my wife!

    Jessie -- You need to have an honest talk with him. Us men can be very very dense about things like "romance" - even if we're good at "gaming", it doesn't mean we understand "romance". If you express how you feel to him and he still fails to respond positively, then you need to resort to manipulation and psychological games - like creating insecurity in him. You need to start spending a lot of time with someone else, and to flirt excessively with that new person - I'm willing to help out .

    All kidding aside,... good luck.
    Last edited by jack0177057; 02-22-2011 at 07:19 PM.
    Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
    - Oscar Wilde

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    Moderator Jessie_tinydancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to get the romance back

    ^LOL Jack... ya hes not really out chasing tail or something. He's pretty much a workaholic right now so I think hes just tired and in the routine of life. Plodding along doing what he has to do but not taking time to enjoy it. If a hot girl happens to be around him he lights up of course but its not like hes out seeking it.

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    Moderator charlie61's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to get the romance back

    Is he aware that he's been dropping the ball on that lately? You mentioned he's a workaholic. He may be in a constant loop of waiting for work to get less crazy so he can dote on you again, but work never gets less crazy. So he may have the intention of returning to that romantic state, but because his mind is so involved in work, he never quite gets there? He may feel really guilty and be hyperaware that he hasn't been paying as much attention to you.

    However, if he is being attentive to women other than yourself, then I would see that as a serious problem.

    And I will second DJoser's idea that, because your husband knows you get treated like gold at work, that might be a turnoff for him. My SO is the same way. He didn't buy me flowers for 3 years because he knew that guys at work did that. It took us that long to have a conversation about the fact that him giving me flowers means everything to me, whereas getting flowers at work couldn't mean less to me.

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    Default Re: How to get the romance back

    ^ I agree with Charlie.

    So he's just too tired, distracted and exhausted to be "romantic" right now. I'm kind of like this - I used to do romantic things like make chocolate roses (using chocolate molds) and write love letters to my GF, etc. --- But, that was a long time ago, during the courting & early dating process. With my current work schedule, I just want to relax on my free time. My idea of "romantic" now is coming home and having great sex and cuddling up to watch TV. On the weekends, I take my GF somewhere nice to eat. I admit that I don't spend the time I used to on being "romantic" - e.g., preparing a bouquet of chocolate roses, writing love letters, etc.

    I tell her she's beautiful and that I love her, all the time, but I don't go through all the trouble I used to to express these feeling in surprising-creative-romantic ways. I don't know if she misses these gestures, but if she does, she should tell me, and I would try to find the time to do something special for her. (Of course women think like this: I shouldn't have to tell him to be romantic, he should naturally and instinctively desire to spend 3 hours writing me love letters, etc., on top of the 70 hours he worked this week.)

    If he's stressed out at work, he wants/needs to relax on his free time... You should do this: (1) help him relax (back massage, etc.) and be supportive, and (2) plan something romantic to do with him, after the work burden eases up a little. For example, you could tell him something like - "You know, after work eases up a little, you should take me to XYZ restaurant, and then when, we should take a walk to that romantic spot were we went on our first date." Pick a place that has romantic memories. With a little help like this, he should respond romantically.
    Last edited by jack0177057; 02-23-2011 at 03:15 PM.
    Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
    - Oscar Wilde

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