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Thread: He has an online profile!

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    Default He has an online profile!

    I've written a lot about reconnecting with who I thought was the love of my life. Basically the story is this: I met him years ago when he was a regular. We became friends but at the time I was getting out of a bad relationship. We lost touch and last January reconnected and there was instant sparks. He then asked me to be his girlfriend. I was happy and in love until a few weeks later he told me he didn't want a relationship because "women nag". I was patient and eventually then he came back or so I thought. In the meantime I asked him a few times to go out. He told me he would once he got over his "issues". I sent him a heartfelt email in August and a Christmas card and no response. I didn't even get a birthday call.

    So I started to heal and tonight I find out he has an online profile! He lied to me about his so called issues. He never wanted to be with me at all sounds like. I know it's his profile.

    I am beyond devastated. I am going to go to a singles group this week with the sole intention of hurting another guy. I will never let another man hurt me. If he had the decency to tell me he didn't want me this would be ok. But it's not. It's not ok to lie to me.

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    God/dess princessjas's Avatar
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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    I'm really sorry he was such a shithead to you! I really don't think hurting someone else is going to do anything but bring more pain and negativity into your life though, which you definitely don't need right now. Why not instead, go to a singles group and find an incredible man (not saying let yourself fall head over heels, be cautious until you know he is a decent guy).

    Living well and being happy, not bitter, is your best revenge. If you go the route of lashing out and hurting someone else, you are just going to look like a bitter, angry woman and it will somewhat justify his actions in his own mind. Instead why not get out there and show him what an amazing, happy woman he missed out on? You are a catch, now get out there and prove it!
    "I hear you calling and it's needles and pins. I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name...You're poision. but I don't wanna break these chains.... I wanna love you but I'd better not touch."

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    Thanks. I just feel so let down now because of this. I did everything like give him space, not be clingy (I wouldn't be clingy anyway) yet he still did this. I'm still going to the singles group but not sure I want to fall in love again. It's too painful and I can't deal with another lying man.

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    God/dess firemaiden04's Avatar
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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    I don't understand...why are you so upset that he has an online profile?

    I see you bringing this guy up in a lot of threads, but it's never anything positive. You talk about how he's the love of your life, but it's never worked out. Either he's not interested, or he's lying to you, or he's playing games. You seem to be clinging to the hope that he'll suddenly realize you two are meant to be together and he'll come crawling back and then the two of you can ride off into the sunset.

    Maybe you aren't actually in love with this guy...maybe you're in love with the IDEA of him. It sounds like you don't actually know him that well currently, but you did a long time ago. I have a guy who feels that way about me...he is obsessed with me and says he's in love with me, but he's actually in love with who I was when I was 17 and naive and big into partying. He can never take 24-year-old logical, professional, analytical, cynical me. Every time he contacts me and thinks I'm the same old starstruck 17-year-old, he rediscovers that I'm not and gets all mopey and depressed and acts like I somehow betrayed him, and I'm "not who he thought I was," etc. But a few months later, he's back into worshiping 17-Year-Old-Alaina.

    You seem very desperate to be in a meaningful relationship. And as long as you have that mindset, you'll have a tendency to settle for what comes along, and you'll be fucked over every time. You have to be happy with yourself first. You need to learn to be happy as a single woman. Enjoy the time you have to yourself. You shouldn't judge your life according to whether you have a man or not. Fuck men. No decent man wants to be with a lonely, unhappy woman desperate for love. You only find meaningful relationships when you're happy with yourself, and when you aren't looking for love. Stop with the dating sites and the singles groups. Just do shit on your own. That's how you find decent men. I met my ex on OKCupid on a fluke, and I realized after a bit that he fed off of desperate single women. The more you obsess over your relationship situation, the more unhappy you'll be.

    Forget about this "love of your life." He isn't. He seems like a shallow user. Fuck him. And you shouldn't be eaten up with bitterness over this, cause that just makes you much more unhappy. Meditate, go on a vacation, do some volunteer work, whatever makes YOU happy and gets you out of the house. And when you're happy with Single You, THAT'S when a wonderful guy will just fall into your lap.


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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    I wasn't desperate for love before he came around, just that once he did I was happy. I have to actively seek out men because where I live there aren't single men and I want a certain type of guy (never married, childless). I am upset he has a profile because he lied to me what he wanted and claimed I said things I never did. Not once did I tell him I wanted to get pregnant. In fact before him I wanted to get my tubes tied. After him I did want kids but now again the feeling has pretty much subsided. I think I was in love with the way he used to be, so I guess but that aspect he might have been in love with the way I used to be. I was actually healing from him until I found this profile and it sent me into depression again.

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    God/dess firemaiden04's Avatar
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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    I have to actively seek out men because where I live there aren't single men and I want a certain type of guy (never married, childless). I am upset he has a profile because he lied to me what he wanted and claimed I said things I never did.
    But why do you have to seek out men at all? What does it matter if there aren't a lot of single men living near you? You seem to think that you won't find happiness until you find your Ideal Man. In reality, it's the other way around: you won't find your Ideal Man until you find happiness. The more you obsess about finding the Ideal Man, the less likely it is that you will find him, and the more miserable you'll become.

    And I'm still confused. How does him having an online profile mean he lied to you? Was it like some profile where he went on rants about you or something?

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    Because he led me on telling me that he might get over his issues eventually and that he liked me. I was fine being single but I do want a boyfriend very badly. I don't like being single, I hate it. I am 40 and almost everyone I know is married, which is what I want badly.

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    God/dess firemaiden04's Avatar
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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    I still don't think I understand. Why does his having an online profile mean he led you on about eventually getting over his issues? Does he SAY shit like that on the profile? Is it facebook? Myspace? OKCupid? And whichever it is, why does it automatically make him a liar?

    And if you're really miserable being single, that's the first problem you have. You shouldn't base your worth and your personal satisfaction on your relationship status. Everyone I know like this is NEVER happy, whether they are in a relationship or not. The problem isn't that you're single: the problem is that you aren't happy with yourself. You can blame all your problems on your singledom, but that won't help anything. Maybe you're single BECAUSE you're unhappy, not the other way around. Seriously, until you can be happy with yourself by yourself, you'll never be happy with someone else.

    Plus, I can tell you that NO decent man will be okay dating a woman who wants to be with him just because she hates being single.

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    Because I am 40 and my chances of finding a decent man get slimmer all the time. So because of that there is a rush to find someone, anyone. I was fine being single but once I reconnected realized I was meant to be married. He told me on the phone that he was trying to get over his issues then he disappeared. That's why he lied to me. I said before, but I was fine being single until he came around. Now I am not. I want to be like everyone else and this isn't bad. Being single at 25 (which I wanted at that time) is far different than being single at 40. Yes I would marry a man just to get married. In fact I intend to look for a man who just wants to be married. I wasn't like this until he came along. I want a soulmate but since that won't happen, finding a guy who wants to be married is the next best thing.

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    No, being alone and happy is the next best thing.

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    I was happy being alone but now I want a relationship (him). I don't want to be alone, who would? Spinsters are pathetic and no one wants to be one of them. I will never be happy being alone because God never intended for it to be great to be alone. I don't want it.

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    ^ That is extremely depressing. I would never want to worship a god that said the only way to have a happy, meaningful, fulfilling life was to have a husband. Fuck that.

    And the most pathetic people I know are the ones who are desperate to find a man, not the spinsters. The only pathetic spinster I know are the ones who are STILL desperate to find a man, and who are bitter about not being married. My godmother is a spinster and she's one of the most empowered, intelligent, inspiring people I know.

    If he keeps pulling shit like this, and if you constantly feel like he's lying to you or hiding from you or whatever, I would come to the conclusion that he simply doesn't want to be with you, and he didn't have the balls to just come out and say it. So I'd stop letting my life revolve around him, and I'd move on. And even if he comes back (again) and says he wants to be with you (again), why the hell would you want to? He's spineless, he's a liar, he's a pussy, whatever. Why would you want to date that kind of person? Because if he's like that when you aren't even with him, wouldn't he just be worse in a relationship?

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    In the Catholic Church they are big on believing marriage is the end all be all. I didn't used to feel that way but do now. If I was 25 I wouldn't be worried but I am 40 and approaching my expiration date for marriage.

    I don't want to be with him anymore and was getting over him until I saw his profile. It upset me because it was saying that he wanted a relationship just not with me, which is different than saying he didn't want a relationship with anyone.

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    Veteran Member girlfromipanema's Avatar
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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    I'm sorry you had to see that. I hope you can get closure.

    Maybe you will meet someone wonderful in the singles group. It's a good thing that you're making an effort to date. Good luck!

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    I think what makes it worse is that he didn't have the guts to tell me he didn't want me. I know rationally I could get someone better, but I had this fantasy of him. I started healing and making progress then this happens.

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    Spinsters are pathetic and no one wants to be one of them.
    Yeah, that is a seriously messed up thing to say. I am sorry you're unhappy with your life, but don't project your issues onto other people. I know PLENTY of women (and men!) of all ages who never want to get married, live alone, and love it. They are not pathetic.

    Not everyone who is single is that way because they can't get someone to marry them. Some people choose a solitary life and love it.

    Personally I think you need to focus on making yourself happy and enriching your life in other ways.
    Quote Originally Posted by lokikola View Post
    If success meant being savage my woes would disappear.

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    They might accept it but I don't want that at all. Besides, I'm sure none are my age they are probably mid 20's. I want a man like everyone else has. Even if it means having an unhappy marriage I would be fine with that. Besides I am looking forward to breaking another man's heart. That will show him never to mess with me.
    Last edited by Kellydancer; 02-28-2011 at 03:45 PM.

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    you sound pathetic. you dont want help, your looking for someone to tell you its okay to be desperate over scum.

    build your self esteem up, or youll NEVER have a real man. its up to you! Stop making excuses and have some respect for yourself. FUCK A MAN. Love yourself first the rest will follow.

    He doesnt want you. Get over it. NOW.

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    I'm not pathetic, just hurt he dumped me. I loved him. I have self respect and am going back to using men like I did while dancing. Yes he is scum.

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    Featured Member noelle's Avatar
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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    You clearly didn't read my post. I said I know people of MANY different ages that prefer to be single. Some older than you, some younger than you.

    You don't have to be married to be happy, and you are much less likely to find your ideal partner if you are so unhappy that this is all you are striving for.

    Honestly, I really feel like you don't care what anyone has to say unless they are agreeing with you. I don't know how anyone who has been in an unhappy marriage or relationship can hear you say you want to be with any man and you don't care if it's a bad marriage and support that.
    Quote Originally Posted by lokikola View Post
    If success meant being savage my woes would disappear.

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    Sure some prefer to be single. I am not one of those. I want to be a married woman and I want the big wedding. We all have things we want and that's mine.

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    I guarantee you that for every "miserable spinster" of any age you know, I can show you ten times that amount of married women or women in a serious relationship who would MUCH rather be single.

    When my ex was slapping me around, I didn't think, "Wow, this sure beats being a pathetic spinster!"

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    But I know many happily married women. I want that. I don't want to be a spinster at all.

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    Maybe you should reevaluate your life if being married, happily or not, is your number one priority. It's a rather toxic mindset and I doubt it will result in a happy relationship. And being desperate for marriage will send decent men running for the hills. Nobody likes being pressured into something as serious as marriage.

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    Default Re: He has an online profile!

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    Sure some prefer to be single. I am not one of those. I want to be a married woman and I want the big wedding. We all have things we want and that's mine.
    Okay, that's fine. That's your desire. I don't take issue with that, I take issue with you saying every woman who is older and unmarried is "pathetic".
    Quote Originally Posted by lokikola View Post
    If success meant being savage my woes would disappear.

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