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Thread: Death of a loved one

  1. #1
    Featured Member MistyRose's Avatar
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    Default Death of a loved one

    I just found out my boyfriend passed away. That sounds so surreal and I cannot believe I will never hear him or see him, kiss him... We were together for almost 4 years, and we had ups and downs during that time, but we truly loved each other. We wanted to get married and have a family one day, but stupid cancer messed up our plans. As I'm typing this I can't believe he is gone. It's so silly to write this on a forum, but I guess I just wanted...I don't know what I wanted. I am crying and there's what feels like a big hole in my stomach, but logically I know I'm in shock now and the real pain comes later. How do you deal with something like this? How do you deal with the death of someone you wanted to spend your life with?

    To make it worse, for the past three weeks he only shortly spoke to me once (we're in a long distance relationship). I got called by a common friend of ours, she says he could deal with people, but not with me, because he knew the end was so near. I'm feeling such regret for this, I cannot believe I wasn't there for him at his last moments. I was hoping to fly to see him and spend as much time as possible with him before it happens, but I guess God wanted otherwise...

    Have you ever lost a loved one and will I ever get over this? And how?

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    God/dess shanna dior's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    I have no advice for you, but I am so so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you, but just know that your boyfriend is in a better place now and I'm sure he knew how much you cared for him. Reach out to those close to you for support. I don't think you can ever really get over death, it just gets easier to carry on with life in time.

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    God/dess Trem's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    I am sorry for your loss. I don't think there is anyone out there who doesn't know what it feels like to lose someone to cancer, but it's so much worse when it is someone that close.

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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    Wow... I am so so so sorry for your loss MistyRose. I can't even imagine or even think how hard this is for you. I don't have any advice either. I have never lost anyone close to me yet and I dread the day that I do. Just know that SW is here for you. Yes it may be a forum on the internet but you know as well as I do that there is alot of support here at all hours of the day/night. ((((((hugs))))))

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    Featured Member bambiblue's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    I'm so sorry hun. I'm sure this is very hard for you, I can definately relate to how you feel. My grandma called me from Florida to tell me she knew she was going to die and to tell me she loved me 1 last time. I was working at the club, and for some reason I didnt shed 1 single tear and after I hung up with her I went on stage like nothing ever happened. A few days later she did die... and I wished I had said so much more to her. Rest in the fact that he knew you loved him and that you were able to bless eachother's life.

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  9. #6
    Featured Member MistyRose's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    Thank you, everyone. It means a lot to me. I have a friend staying over tonight and it's nice not to be alone, even if she's just reading a book while I'm silently crying and typing on my computer occasionally. I already miss him so much, and I know there's a lot of pain I need to go through. I'm fortunate enough to be able to travel to his memorial service and say goodbye, with a huge help from a common friend of ours who is paying for my trip, completely out of the blue. I hope everything goes well and I'm there to say goodbye at least. Right now I'm trying to stay strong, but I just feel so hollow without him.

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    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    Wow, so sorry to hear about this.

    I have lost a lot of people, starting with a nasty shock when my older brother died at 23 in an accident.

    Then about 5 years ago my best friend was shot and my mom died three days later (unrelated deaths but tied together in a lot of strange ways--too long to explain now).

    Then a year ago, my stepfather, whom I was very close to.


    But I never had to deal with the loss of a SO, I don't know how I'd handle it, either.

    Take care...
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

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  12. #8
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. The first few days are the hardest, but you'll eventually start feeling better.

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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    Please accept my sincere sympathy in your loss, Misty Rose.

    Words just seem inadequate at times; please know that you are not alone--you have friends who are sending you good thoughts, prayers, and healing vibes to help you through this difficult time.

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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    Im soo sorry mistyrose
    I cant imagine...

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    Moderator unbeleavable's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    When someone leaves me I try to be grateful for the relationship I did have & the time shared. I believe relationships & memories are the most important & thats why it hurts so much. I'm sorry...

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  19. #12
    Moderator Jessie_tinydancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    Oh my gosh... Im soooo sorry. I cant imagine what this must feel like for you.

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  21. #13
    Featured Member Ms.Lacey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    Sorry for you sweety... Nothing I can say will make anything better but I lived with my uncle and watched him disappear slowly and it was tough I could barely speak when I came home and found him in peace but if you look at the fact that the physical pain and emotional pain is over for him that helps and remember he's right by your side, in your memories, and in your dreams, but most importantly in your heart.

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  23. #14
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    I have lost someone I loved very much. It tooks years to start to feel ok again. i truly loved him. For me having someone that traumatic happen when I was so young has kinda scarred me. It isnt something u ever get over u just get used to the loss. The shock eventually wears off and u go through all the stages of grief. It isnt easy, u just need to reach out to people who care for u. As time passes it gets easier.

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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    ps. I do have experience dealing with this. If u need to pm me pls do not hesitate.

  25. #16
    Featured Member MistyRose's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    You're great for replying, thank you so much.
    As things stand right now, I am not going to be attending his memorial service. His parents have expressed their dislike at the idea. I knew they did not like me, but I just didn't think it would go so far to not want me there at his funeral. They just lost their child and I cannot make this into a big drama situation. As much as my heart aches to be there, maybe it's the best if I didn't if it will cause problems for everyone. My friends suggested that I pay for service here and that we all attend, and I think I might do that and just wait for a few months, then go back and say my farewell in some way. As there won't be a grave, since he wanted to be cremated, I might just go around all the places we were at when I was there and visit the desert where his ashes will be spread. It really, really pains me not to be able to go there, but if that is how it turns out, I will have to respect it, I think. I'm sure he would want me to be there, but I'm also sure he would want his family to have a farewell they wanted.

    Again, thank you, guys.
    shift_6x, I will PM you once I manage to get some sleep and perhaps food in my body. I would love to speak with someone who went through this. Thank you for the offer.

  26. #17
    Featured Member MistyRose's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    To everyone in this thread who lost someone, too, my sympathies.

    @Djoser: Wow...that sounds horrible. I'm so sorry. Life hasn't been treating you too well in that aspect. Congratulations on still being around and sane, I don't know how would I manage

    @Nuclear Martini: I'm really sorry you lost your dad that way. But I can only wish me and my bf managed to get to that point where we'd be able to be together and have a child. I'm sure you weren't a sad reminder to your mom, she must have seen a lot of him in you and I know that's one thing that would make me very happy right now.

  27. #18
    Member Wildrose's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    Hi MistyRose,

    I am so sorry, I just wrote a long page on my insights to this kind of hardship and lost it in the submission process. I am so bummed! I will try again to reshare my thoughts...

    Just know, so far, that we are all here for you as you struggle with this...making sense of the why's and if..then's.

    And know that your posting your sorrow and confusion here was the right choice for you and was a very wise decision. I am proud of you for reaching out in your pain. That is part of what life is about... support systems.

    Will write again soon... Meanwhile take special care of your heart and keep loving you and him in this mourning stage. Know that this is a stage and in the loss of a loved one, however that loss comes, stages occur and passes through to the next stage.

    Healing is possible and so is moving on with love, kindness, forgiveness and acceptance. Those are the final results through the process of letting go of what could have been. Healing is the goal.

    While it is not ever necessary to let go of the love that you both shared, at some point in time, when it is right for you and you are ready, it's only the letting go of what could have been that will set you free from the bondage of wishing and questioning yourself.

    Celebrate the love you shared, show it - never hide it - honor him and honor yourself and honor the beauty that was shared between you two.

    Always...
    Wildrose

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  29. #19
    Member Wildrose's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    I think Misty...

    He would have wanted the family to accept you and create peace between you all for this occasion. I don't know what the situation is between his lady and his family, but, I am sure that a good man like yours sound, would have wanted the best for everyone...and that is to share this occasion with kind gestures and acceptance, whatever the differences were.

    Just food for thought...
    Wildrose

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  31. #20
    Featured Member MistyRose's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    Wildrose, thank you for kind words.

    I spoke to his dad, he was nice to me. He told me I'm welcome, but the friend who offered to pay for my flight said she can't go over his mom's feelings. I am sad...but I have no choice. She lost her son, I imagine her pain is incredible, I have to forgive her. When I spoke to his dad I told him some things I'm sure every parent would like to hear: I told him he appreciated everything they did for him very much, thanked him for teaching him how to play guitar because his songs were amazing, thanked him for buying him tons of guitars because he loved them and he'd always tell me his dad is awesome for doing that; for taking me into their home when I was there, and finally I thanked him for raising him because what they did, must have at least partly create that wonderful person I loved so much. His dad was moved and thanked me...It sounded like it really meant a lot to him.
    I am invited at his friends when I want to come, so I will continue to work and hopefully soon be able to go visit, to see places where we spent time together and where his ashes will be spread. It will be my own personal farewell.

    My friends have been great about everything, they've been visiting, bringing food (and tissues, lol) and offered help with money or whatever I might need. My mom's been on the phone with me a lot and very supportive.

    I spoke to the minister in my neighborhood church and the service will be held for him on Friday. My friends will attend with me and afterwards we'll be at my place. I'm thinking cheesecake (his favorite dessert) and champagne... I want to celebrate the fact I had such an amazing person in my life. He changed me and enriched my life in ways I never imagined. I wish we got everything we yearned for, a mundane life so many couples lead, with our first baby in a cheap apartment, quarreling about the best way to cook something and making love 10 times a day, lol... But God had different plans. If I could live in a paralel universe now, pick my perfect life with any guy on Earth, with anything I desire, but I'd have to give up on ever knowing him, I couldn't. He is worth every moment of pain and every tear and I wouldn't trade knowing him and loving him for anything.
    I'm having a bit better day today...I know there will be much worse days and I'm afraid of them...but I hope I will manage to pull through... He must be praying for me now.

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  33. #21
    Veteran Member AngelKing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    Hey I've lost many around me, and I know that anything that can be said will be secondary to just letting you know that there are others who have felt what you are feeling now.

    For now, feel what you feel, and feel as deeply as you can. Your heart will start to heal when it's got all the hurting out. The important thing is that when you feel the time is right, take care of yourself again, and realize that things will get better after a while.

    And it's not weird for you to post your feelings here; it's a place where you can communicate and nobody has any ulterior motives for listening. And communicating what you are feeling right now is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

    There will be a day soon where you will wake up and realize you are not hurting as bad as you were the day before. Take care of yourself till then.

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  35. #22
    Senior Member Moon Sprite's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    I am so sorry for your loss. My dad passed away 7 months ago and I know right now no words can provide you with any solace but I am willing to offer a sympathetic ear. You can PM me if you want to cry,vent or if you just want someone who has been in your shoes to listen.

    It doesn't matter who you lose whether it is a boyfriend,father,mother,friend we all share the same pain of loss.
    "Don't cry when the sun is gone because the tears won't let you see the stars." Violeta Parra

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  37. #23
    Veteran Member Fenriswolf's Avatar
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    Default Re: Death of a loved one

    I'm so sorry. Even more so that his mother is doing this to you, and am awed by your graciousness. It's the right thing to do but it would hurt. I'm glad you have friends to support you, and are holding your own service.

    If I imagine my partner dying... I just can't. It hurts too much. Sending lots of love.

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