I just found out my boyfriend passed away. That sounds so surreal and I cannot believe I will never hear him or see him, kiss him... We were together for almost 4 years, and we had ups and downs during that time, but we truly loved each other. We wanted to get married and have a family one day, but stupid cancer messed up our plans. As I'm typing this I can't believe he is gone. It's so silly to write this on a forum, but I guess I just wanted...I don't know what I wanted. I am crying and there's what feels like a big hole in my stomach, but logically I know I'm in shock now and the real pain comes later. How do you deal with something like this? How do you deal with the death of someone you wanted to spend your life with?
To make it worse, for the past three weeks he only shortly spoke to me once (we're in a long distance relationship). I got called by a common friend of ours, she says he could deal with people, but not with me, because he knew the end was so near. I'm feeling such regret for this, I cannot believe I wasn't there for him at his last moments. I was hoping to fly to see him and spend as much time as possible with him before it happens, but I guess God wanted otherwise...
Have you ever lost a loved one and will I ever get over this? And how?



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It means a lot to me. I have a friend staying over tonight and it's nice not to be alone, even if she's just reading a book while I'm silently crying and typing on my computer occasionally. I already miss him so much, and I know there's a lot of pain I need to go through. I'm fortunate enough to be able to travel to his memorial service and say goodbye, with a huge help from a common friend of ours who is paying for my trip, completely out of the blue. I hope everything goes well and I'm there to say goodbye at least. Right now I'm trying to stay strong, but I just feel so hollow without him.

Even more so that his mother is doing this to you, and am awed by your graciousness. It's the right thing to do but it would hurt. I'm glad you have friends to support you, and are holding your own service.

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