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Thread: I broke off my engagement

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    Veteran Member girlfromipanema's Avatar
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    Default I broke off my engagement

    Situation resolved.
    Last edited by girlfromipanema; 03-09-2011 at 01:17 PM. Reason: Resolved

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    God/dess firemaiden04's Avatar
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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    I used to have a best friend named Justin. We were so close we were almost like brother and sister. We used to do everything together, and we'd go out on spontaneous wild adventures or just drive around for hours. We did drugs together, we drank together. We've passed out next to each other in bed. But we've never even kissed, nor did the temptation ever strike us. A lot of guys that I dated had jealousy issues with Justin, but I usually managed to explain the situation to their satisfaction, and they'd relax about it. Most of them even got to be friends with him. But Justin's girlfriends were almost always a problem. One day Justin and I were sitting in my car parked in front of the Borders in town, at like noon on a Wednesday, and his girlfriend at the time came along and ripped open the passenger door (where he was sitting) and proceeded to freak the fuck out. She claimed Justin and I had been fucking, right there in the front of my car, RIGHT in front of the store, in broad daylight. She was fucking nuts. I don't know if all those girls assumed we had sex because we were both attractive (they tell me Justin is attractive, but I've known him for so long I can't tell anymore). It used to piss me off to no end. I've always gotten along much better with guys than girls, and if Justin and I were ever going to have sex, it would have happened long, long ago. It's not like we didn't have the opportunity. But they just never seemed to believe us. Everyone who actually knew us knew better, but the girlfriends never really did. Justin lives in Philly now and we kind of lost touch, but if he called me out of the blue and asked me to come get him, I would jump in my car without hesitation.

    So, I don't know. It is totally possible to have platonic friends. To me, it seems that females are usually much more suspicious of the platonic situation than men are. The question is, are you just paranoid, or do you really have a gut feeling that something is going on? Sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference between the two.

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    Veteran Member girlfromipanema's Avatar
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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    Thank you for your story. I also have guy friends with whom I am very close. He met both of them. Since I never met this woman I cannot tell how they interact together. I'm sure they text back and forth because she is married and her husband probably wouldn't like it either. It seems to me he was protecting an on-going 26 year relationship with this woman. They never lost touch. They're never going to. I need to recover from this pain.

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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    Well, if he asked you to stop talking to your ex whom you had no romantic feelings about and he's unwilling to stop talking to his friend whom he has no romantic feelings about I'd say there's some shit going on there. Not just a jealousy thing but a him being a dick thing. If you lost contact with your ex w/o your fiancee asking you to do it then that kinda seems like a passive aggressive move on your part to make him stop talking to his friend.

    If it were me I would go to her and tell her that it's 100% honesty time. If she weren't w/her husband and you weren't with your boyfriend, would she want to date your boyfriend? I'm gonna guess she doesn't. If she did, wouldn't she be with him by now? Maybe your boyfriend holds a torch to her and she's trying to be nice to him so that she doesn't crush their long standing friendship.

    He could be protective b/c like Firemaiden he's had to deal w/all his girlfriends hating his friend. If he can make you feel secure and if you can let it go and if there are other things that you love about this relationship, go back. If this is an excuse to leave since there are other problems, totally leave.

    Lastly, I don't think once every 2-3 weeks is that often. I talk to my boyfriend and my best friend every day tho, so maybe my timetable is off


    I

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    God/dess firemaiden04's Avatar
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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    Quote Originally Posted by girlfromipanema View Post
    Thank you for your story. I also have guy friends with whom I am very close. He met both of them. Since I never met this woman I cannot tell how they interact together. I'm sure they text back and forth because she is married and her husband probably wouldn't like it either. It seems to me he was protecting an on-going 26 year relationship with this woman. They never lost touch. They're never going to. I need to recover from this pain.
    I find it odd that you've never met this girl. One of the first things I used to do when I started dating someone new was introduce them to Justin. Have you ever asked him why you haven't met her?

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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    I think you did the right thing. I don't think it's wrong to have platonic friends of the opposite sex but your story just screams that he's in love with her. I once dated a guy with a female "best friend". Long story short, he was actually in love with her. I've had several platonic male friends who were in love with me.

    Honestly, you deserve better. I know you are feeling the pressure to find someone (I am too) but it's best to find someone who you know is a better match. Not to mention that he has kids and that will likely cause trouble too eventually.

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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    The matching tattoos thing is a bit too much, I find.

    It's probably more than every 2-3 weeks, not that I'd have a problem with that in itself (but with the lie about it - though if you put a lot of pressure, it may be a "defensive" lie, which is a different story). Sheeze, I know guys who talk to their *guy* friends 2-3 times/week.

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    Veteran Member girlfromipanema's Avatar
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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    Quote Originally Posted by firemaiden04 View Post
    I find it odd that you've never met this girl. One of the first things I used to do when I started dating someone new was introduce them to Justin. Have you ever asked him why you haven't met her?
    No I never asked. He moves around a lot for work and he was not by her. It was naive of me not to want to meet her before.

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    Veteran Member Fenriswolf's Avatar
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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    Hmmm. I am uncomfortable with the situation more because of him insisting you cut off your ex and the fact you've never met this woman (and possibly she's talking to him without her husband knowing?) than the friendship... it's hard to evaluate whether their friendship is a problem on face value.

    The fact that he called you crazy for bringing this up OTOH is a biiiig warning sign. Personally I think the three of you need to find a working relationship - you and her don't have to be best buddies but if you want monogamy and he's basically in a sexless second relationship that completely excludes you, that is a problem.

    All that said I would never marry someone after only a year. So I agree with going with your feelings; see what you can work out, but if he aggressively attacks your viewpoint when you try and discuss it that means you're never going to resolve the situation, and it won't go away once you're married.

    Good luck!

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    Veteran Member Camateur's Avatar
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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    My theory is when there are friends of the opposite sex that have never consummated things it's because ONE of them wasn't wanting to. All you have to figure out here is which one didn't want to? If it's him then there's no problem, if it's her then you have a problem.

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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    Quote Originally Posted by Camateur View Post
    My theory is when there are friends of the opposite sex that have never consummated things it's because ONE of them wasn't wanting to. All you have to figure out here is which one didn't want to? If it's him then there's no problem, if it's her then you have a problem.
    Yessssss I agree!! I've been through this situation before. The girl that was the friend never like any women my ex was dating. I of course was included. The only time we seemed cool was when I had a foot out the door. I often told my ex why not just be with her. She seems like she wants you bad. He was like no she's nasty and my business partner so that's just wrong. I always felt that in after a few drinks these two may get hot and heavy. Who knows it may have already happened when I was dating him, but that was the point he would force us around each other which to me wasn't an issue but she always hated sharing his attention. So yeah when it comes to opposite sex it is rarely because neither are attracted. It's usually one is saying no.

    I have had male friends for years and I've had to drop most of them. For they always end up hitting on me at some point which just ruins the relationship to the point that they have to go. It's unfortunate , but they wouldn't have been my friends if I was in any way interested. Which is why these relationships are hard to maintain. I would say that one of them doesn't want the other. If you haven't met the girl then something is wrong with that picture. Even if he's not close by, he should feel no issues with passing her number over to you and saying look call her yourself, you'll see there is nothing between us. A man that's looking to be your future partner would have no issues with turning over the number especially if he has nothing to hide at all.

    I feel this relationship is suspect and I would proceed with caution.

    I say if you do work things out. Say look let me just talk to her and get to know my husband's friend. If he pulls a hissy fit then it's curtain for him.

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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    I do think you did the right thing. If this is bothering you NOW it will bother you later on in life and in marraige with this guy. If he has enough to put up a fight with you over you asking him to stop contact/question the relationship then it will just bother you more and more as they still still remain in contact and have a relationship.

    Have you met her? If you havnt I think its weird that you didnt.. If he has nothing to hide (physically/ or emotionally) then he would totally bring her and you around. He may be attracted to her but feels bad/wrong/guilty that he knows it wont go anywhere and staying friends is the only option because he is in a relationship, they wont work that way, thats the way she sees him and he doesnt want to stress it.

    Ive had a guy friend for over 7 years now.. but recently this year he has been hitting on me and putting suggestions out, that I stopped all contact and dont see him. My ex-bf had a problem with it when we were totally friends and did not do anything around that. I dont think many people can pull off the opposite sex relationship, without it getting in feeling attractive towards another person. If you were willing to delete your ex and stop all his contact atleast he could have comprimsed his side and see her less etc. I think you did the right thing though, if it bothers you then it will throughout the marriage whether its wrong or not.

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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    His relationship with this woman sounds EXACTLY like my relationship with my best friend (a guy). I would NEVER do ANYTHING with him, except the usual hug/peck on the cheek. We just have an extremely close relationship and I treasure his friendship.
    It sounds to me like he is honestly just friends with this woman...
    But if it makes you that uncomfortable you deff did the right thing for you.
    Have you ever spoken to her? If your having doubts about you breaking things off, maybe you could ask him if you could meet her, talk with her. See for yourself what exactly is going on.

    Being married makes you a package deal, he needs to understand that and include you in there friendship.

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    Veteran Member Redwolf's Avatar
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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    The fact that your ex-fiance's friend is not happy in her marriage is worrisome. Is she looking for intimacy with your ex-fiance that she is not getting in her marriage? If a friendship is good, it should strengthen a person's marriage.

    IMO, the person that you are married to is the one that you should share the deepest darkest secrets, the most intimate thoughts, and the things that you share with no one else. Pillow talk.

    Your ex-fiance, if he wants to make things work with you, should do what he can to put you first and slow things down with a girl friend, with whom there may or may not be something more.

    I would find it out-of-line getting a matching tattoo with a girl friend while I was engaged to another woman. If an engaged couple is okay with the man doing that, fine. But he should talk to you about it and be expecting not to go through with it.

    I agree that it is odd that you have not met the best friend of the man that you were preparing to marry. Certainly, the more he hides things regarding her the more that I would be concerned. If she is always going to be an important part of his life, you should know her well.

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    Veteran Member girlfromipanema's Avatar
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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    I agree you guys. The whole situation reeked of bullshit and I'm not that foolish. He was texting back and forth with her like 40 something times on his phone! (I saw it just by glancing at the phone in his hand.) The whole situation made me sick to my stomach.

    So I broke up with him and he had a big hissy fit as you could imagine. Finally, he came around and said that he doesn't care about her, he doesn't care if he never talks to her again he just wants me back.

    I said I would never ban him from talking to someone. (It's useless to do that, anyway.) I said but this is our time now and I don't want her constantly in the picture. So if he wants to be with me he needs to scale back his conversations with her a whole hell of a lot. I told him to go handle it and get back to me when he resolved the situation with her.

    He said he told her that he wasn't going to be around for a while. That he was going to focus on his relationship with me. He told me it was done. All I really can do is trust what he says is true. Of course he may be lying, but that's on him if he chooses to sneak around with her on the phone. I told him if this continues I will leave him again. This is his last chance with this bullshit.

    I'm just trying to put it behind me now and continue to love him. Thank you for all your feedback and support.

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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    ^ Good job.. Make sure he doesnt sneak around - I still find it odd how is doesnt sugets you all meet. Guys can say one thing and do the opposite... Do keep your guard up for a few months.. I think your on the right path for not fully believing him. In time you'll know whether to stay or not to stay with him.

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    Featured Member kandie_kitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    I have a guy friend I have known since I was four years old. I regularly say that next to my boyfriend, he's the hottest guy I know. He says I'm the most gorgeous girl he knows...of course, he says that even after he's held my hair after I've thrown up, so he may be lying.

    I'd totally get a tattoo for him without hesitation-I'll have to bring that up haha.

    I love him so much it is ridiculous, but not in the romantic way. The thought of kissing him makes me slightly ill, but he's closer to me than a brother or friend could ever be.

    My boyfriend and my friend have never met-probably never will. Mostly because 1) Said friend would spend the whole time interrogating my boyfriend like a psychotic over-protective dad and 2) I act like a complete goofy idiot around my friend

    I talk to him a lot-and if my boyfriend asked me to stop talking to my friend or to cut back on how much I talked to him, I would dropkick that boyfriend so fast out the door it's ridiculous. My friend has stood by me through thick and thin for 22 years, that's a big deal to me. For my significant other to ask me to turn my back on that shows a blatant lack of trust and a really unappealing display of insecurity.

    I love my boyfriend very much and I want to be with him-not my best friend. If he can't believe that, that's his problem.

    I think the issue is more that if you suspect your boyfriend of being dishonest or cheating, that's a huge relationship problem. It's not having a chick friend or whether or not he's really in love with her, it's what is present that is causing the the suspicion? It sounds like there's more to the OP's situation than just her boyfriend's relationship with his friend.

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    Veteran Member girlfromipanema's Avatar
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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    Quote Originally Posted by kandie_kitten View Post
    I have a guy friend I have known since I was four years old. I regularly say that next to my boyfriend, he's the hottest guy I know. He says I'm the most gorgeous girl he knows...of course, he says that even after he's held my hair after I've thrown up, so he may be lying.

    I'd totally get a tattoo for him without hesitation-I'll have to bring that up haha.

    I love him so much it is ridiculous, but not in the romantic way. The thought of kissing him makes me slightly ill, but he's closer to me than a brother or friend could ever be.

    My boyfriend and my friend have never met-probably never will. Mostly because 1) Said friend would spend the whole time interrogating my boyfriend like a psychotic over-protective dad and 2) I act like a complete goofy idiot around my friend

    I talk to him a lot-and if my boyfriend asked me to stop talking to my friend or to cut back on how much I talked to him, I would dropkick that boyfriend so fast out the door it's ridiculous. My friend has stood by me through thick and thin for 22 years, that's a big deal to me. For my significant other to ask me to turn my back on that shows a blatant lack of trust and a really unappealing display of insecurity.

    I love my boyfriend very much and I want to be with him-not my best friend. If he can't believe that, that's his problem.

    I think the issue is more that if you suspect your boyfriend of being dishonest or cheating, that's a huge relationship problem. It's not having a chick friend or whether or not he's really in love with her, it's what is present that is causing the the suspicion? It sounds like there's more to the OP's situation than just her boyfriend's relationship with his friend.
    Nope there's nothing more to the situation than what was stated above. I would dropkick that girl friend of his if I found out she was interfering with me and my fiance's relationship. But that's just me.

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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    I have never identified with girls and so I have a million guy friends. My husband has never said anything about it. No matter what you want to read into the situation, you seem to be neglecting the fact he proposed to YOU.

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    God/dess DesuvsDeath's Avatar
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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    ^Holy shit! You're back!


    I'm confused as to why the friendship wasn't worth bringing up before now... but why it's worth ending an engagement over.
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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  33. #21
    Veteran Member girlfromipanema's Avatar
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    Default Re: I broke off my engagement

    I've got guy friends too he's met all of them. I've got a non-related brother type who I've known for ages too and I never refer to him as he does her. Especially since she is "unhappy with her marriage" and seeks my fiance's attention constantly, it is a threat to our relationship. People do have emotional affairs.

    He required me to change my phone number in order to lose contact with my ex way before we were engaged and I complied because I didn't want to lose him. He owed me the same respect I gave him except I didn't order him to lose all contact with her as he did me, just ask her to back off so we could have our time together without her face in the picture every day.

    @DesuvsDeath this is the third time we fought over this issue. I was just ill of it and if he valued his relationship with her more than ours it wasn't worth sticking around and giving my life to him. Luckily he doesn't value it more and was willing to compromise with me.

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