Where to begin. I am only twenty. My mom wasnt just a great mom but my best damn friend in the whole world. She went to London on vacation they found her a day or two later on the bed dead. Her pacemaker gave out. She was only fourty three. I keep having dreams she faked her death or came back to life. At first I couldn't handle it i was drinkin my jack and takin more of my klonepins. Which i couldnt drink as much as i wanted i have a kid. Anyways now I am not sad or angry...... I refuse to believe it even though i petted her hair in her casket felt the skin that was always warm and comforting...... Was dry and cold as ice. I feel i never made her proud she hated me dancing got mad at my new ink etc. I just dont even know what to do we texted talked and saw eachother daily. She was the best grandma in the world. She loved my son so much she woild scroll through his pictures everynight before bed and said she loved him so much it hurt.
She wont be at my real white wedding, next baby, any more good times. She was my only family besides my grandparents. I was in such denial the day after I heard I called her cell over and over. I did not want to believe it.
So much shit has happened to me in my life that should never happen to anyone, now this. My bubbly personality has disappeared into a bitter atheist . I cant even work now i stay in my pjs all day hardly leave my place. I am the type of person that never cries in front of people. So when my son is asleep I cry and cry listening to whiskey lullaby.
I dont know what to do......,



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