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Thread: Professional BDSM & Respect

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    Veteran Member sexandgrammar's Avatar
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    Default Professional BDSM & Respect

    So, as some of you know, my camming work is largely in the fetish--specifically pro-subbing--category. I'm a natural sexual submissive, and nothing turns me on like serving my partner. And for the most part, I've found my professional subbing work really, amazingly fulfilling as well.

    For the past two weeks, I've been playing with a British guy, getting into some pretty nasty--and exciting--stuff. When I was going away on vacation, I wrote a note on my profile advising my regulars that I'd be away, and thinking of them very fondly, and that if they wanted to express their affection for me in my absence, I'd be overjoyed to return home with a new sex toy off my wishlist for me. Nasty British Guy wrote this to me:

    May I say for someone studying English - you fall some way short. If the best you can do is just say sorry without any literally support - then my dear girl you are destined for a much poorer future than I had thought.

    Having said that, I am please you signed off as my bitch - at least we are making some head way and was therefore going to make a purchase from your wish list. But, having looked it seems so "cliched" and lacking in any real imagination (Which I thought you had in abundance).


    Now, some of you may also know that I'm an English PROFESSOR, with two degrees in the subject. I don't market myself as such; I market myself as a student. It seems, though, that Nasty British Guy really hit upon something in me, because I've been fighting the urge, for the past day, to reply VERY rudely to him. I consider myself as very thick-skinned, and, like I said, we've gotten into some very risque, taboo stuff together, so it seems almost silly that I'm so pissed off at him for insulting my grammar.

    I don't think it's just that, though. I could deal with that. I actually think he may very well be a very successful dom, because he's actually found a nerve in me, and struck it, cruelly. I think whats getting me, though, is that I'M NOT GETTING PAID FOR IT. When I practice D/S with my romantic partner, I can take absolutely anything, because I love him; when I practice D/S with my camming clients, I can take almost anything, because I'm getting paid for it, and because, secondarily, it gets me off. But this--this is neither, and this is really getting to me. On vacation! And I resent thinking about it on vacation! And I keep stopping myself from writing back to him because I don't want him to leave me horrible feedback, but that, in itself, seems awfully manipulative.

    GAAAAAAAAH. Sorry for rambling. I'm just really fucking pissed, the more I think about it. I don't care about what he said; I care about what he said without paying me. The LATTER bit shows a complete lack of respect, in my book, at least.

    She wonders how much he'd pay to see her innards, what it is guys think girls are hiding so that they always want to see them in every place.
    - Virginie Despentes,


    All I wanna do is get my pussy sucked / count a million bucks in the back of an armored truck.
    - Lil' Kim, "Suck My Dick"

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    Veteran Member la petite sexy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Professional BDSM & Respect

    Um how dare he disrespect your grammer when his is so terrible??

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  4. #3
    Veteran Member sexandgrammar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Professional BDSM & Respect

    ^ RIGHT?!?!?! That's exactly what the bitchy English prof in me wants to write back. But I'm holding my tongue. God, am I holding my tongue.

    Also, tangentially: I've decided to delete (or at least very much alter) this post after I get some a thread going. Client confidentiality & all that. Do you think that's fair?

    She wonders how much he'd pay to see her innards, what it is guys think girls are hiding so that they always want to see them in every place.
    - Virginie Despentes,


    All I wanna do is get my pussy sucked / count a million bucks in the back of an armored truck.
    - Lil' Kim, "Suck My Dick"

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    Veteran Member bun's Avatar
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    Default Re: Professional BDSM & Respect

    Heeeeee. I don't know why that would hit a nerve, it's impossible to read without giving it a namby british poet voice.

    I'm naturally submissive, but the thought of obeying a dork like that dries my vag.

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    Veteran Member la petite sexy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Professional BDSM & Respect

    Seriously. That would piss me the hell off. I don't know much about being a sub but I don't think I'd be able to hold my tongue, especially if I was an english professor! lol. Common sense should tell this dummy not to criticize in an area he himself doesn't have together. Ok let me stop. I'm just as pissed as you are. lol!

    Unless you use the same screen name here that you use when camming I don't think it's necessary to delete. I doubt he'll be able to google and find this thread.

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    Featured Member MistyRose's Avatar
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    Default Re: Professional BDSM & Respect

    I seriously applaud you for doing pro subbing. While I enjoyed some mild stuff in my relationship because it really gets me off (but so does being a top), I cannot imagine doing it with someone who I don't love and trust completely. That being said... I fucking *hate* condescending people, especially when put in context of condescending men who buy sexual services and then insult providers. Be he dom or not, I think that was extremely rude. In my opinion, he may be paying you to be his sub, but he appears to think you're his personal bitch in your free time as well. Screams rude and condescending from every angle I look at it, no matter what his intention was.

    When it comes to roleplay and S&M (in which, admittedly, my experience is not extensive), I never treat guys outside of sessions any different than I'd treat a vanilla customer. If a guy wants me to insult his ass for half an hour, that is fine with me, if he wants me to tell him he's a worthless worm who I reward by letting him kiss my ass, again fine. BUT, when he enters my free chat or emails me of whatever, I say "Hello, darling, how are you? It's nice to see you" et cetera. On the same note, if insults are a part of your show with him, good, but outside of it? No, no, no.

    I'm not sure are you asking for an opinion on what would we do or not, but I would be so pissed that I'd likely either politely, yet decisively tell him that sort of behavior is not acceptable in an email or I'd block him. It all depends on how you feel on working for him following this.

    And just to mention: English is not my native language, it's my second language, and it's annoying when people correct your grammar, yet don't know how to use it properly themselves. If I were a professor like you, I'm sure I'd have steam coming out of my ears right about now.

    And girl! Enjoy your vacation! He's just another customer! You know what they say, one is born every minute.

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    Default Re: Professional BDSM & Respect

    What a condescending twat.

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    Veteran Member BellaBellini's Avatar
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    Default Re: Professional BDSM & Respect

    Quote Originally Posted by sexandgrammar View Post

    GAAAAAAAAH. Sorry for rambling. I'm just really fucking pissed, the more I think about it. I don't care about what he said; I care about what he said without paying me. The LATTER bit shows a complete lack of respect, in my book, at least.
    As a Pro Domme, I agree that it showed a lack of respect. He was trying to get his fix for free outside of the power exchange.

    You aren't in a lifestyle D/s relationship with him. His behaviour might be acceptable if you signed some sort of slave contract. But that still means boundaries should be negotiated before the contract is signed.

    You are a professional sub, that means your services are paid for. He doesn't get to have freebies just because he is Dominant.

    If he really is a Professional Master, he should have no problem with you talking about your boundaries and concerns in an email. I encourage my subs to check in with me about any issues they are struggling with.

    Personally, the power exchange begins after I've been paid, boundaries have been discussed, and the sub gets naked.

    I'm friendly with my subs during 'off' time. I also ignore or correct subs that try and top from the bottom and whine about getting freebies because they had been so good all month.

    I also think he doesn't believe anything he wrote. I think he wrote that email to make you feel this way because that makes him feel powerful. I'm sure he knows you are intelligent and express yourself well. He was trying to humiliate you for free and that isn't cool.

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    Featured Member Spinnerette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Professional BDSM & Respect

    I agree with everyone else. I tend to slaughter the English language (I love colloquialisms and cannot help myself), but despite that, it IS my first love and for people to attack me on that level REALLY burns my grits. So I feel you and since I'm not submissive, I would've given him what for. ESPECIALLY since nothing is more enraging than someone wanting to be a snarky bastard about grammar and failing miserably at it themselves.

    But then he is British and from my experience, British people tend to be very uppity about English since they "made the language" and all that jazz. What a rude wank though. I'm insulted for you. You're sub for pay and he has absolutely no right to come at you like that. Remind him that if he wants to talk down to you, it costs and that outside of that he should hold his tongue.

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    Default Re: Professional BDSM & Respect

    Nope, as a Brit myself, he's just an arse.

    As for getting bitchy over correct use of the English language, what the hell is the point? Language evolves. Deal with it. (Although colour should have a 'u' :p )

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  18. #11
    Member tinka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Professional BDSM & Respect

    I agree with everyone, he is being an asshat and you should try your best to ignore him. But what I really want to know is ... how do you manage to get Doms to pony up? I am naturally submissive and advertise myself as such, but it seems like Doms are less inclined to pay for their particular fetish than subs. I get so many guys wanting to be humiliated and sissified, but try to get a guy to order me around? No way! Almost like it's part of the whole power play fantasy that they shouldn't be paying, that they're superior? I find this so interesting.

    Sure guys will talk a big game about how and what they will do, but when it comes to paying, I just haven't had much luck enticing dominance play. I have one regular who likes this and when we do privates, I reallyreallyreally enjoy it

    (I'm just doing camming, maybe you are doing something else? idk)

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    Default Re: Professional BDSM & Respect

    What a bum! You probably shouldn't write back...

    You should simply stalk him, find out where he lives, show up and PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE.

    But really, that wasn't a professional move at all. I have to second everything that Bella said.

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    Default Re: Professional BDSM & Respect

    i iz british also

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  23. #14
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    Default Re: Professional BDSM & Respect

    Oh bloody hell !







    j/k

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    Veteran Member sexandgrammar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Professional BDSM & Respect

    You. Girls. Are. The Fucking. BOMB. Seriously, you have no idea how much I appreciate everything everyone wrote. It steeled me to write the following to him:

    If we continue talking, I'm really going to have to ask that we delineate much more clearly between "negotiation" and "session." As a powerful dom, you no doubt know that D/S is built on mutual respect and trust, and I'm not feeling any of that from you right now. I've really enjoyed our play together, and I want to push it MUCH further--but only if, when we're not IN a session, you're not abusive of me.


    To which he very quickly responded:

    Firstly. Thank you for taking the time and trouble to contact me.

    I would never wish anything other than mutual respect and if I have over stepped the mark then it is I who must apologise.

    I would not wish to compromise something that we both seem to be enjoying and hope we can develop

    I very much hope this goes some way to redressing the situation - if you could set out a few more rules I will resond

    I look forward to hearing from you

    Kindest



    I still have my questions, but overall I feel MUCH, MUCH better about the situation, and am impressed with how honesty was met with respect. And I completely have all of you amazing women to thank! I've just returned home, so I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner, here, but again, really, you all helped me think through the situation rationally & with perspective. Love. Love. Love!

    Going to edit this (and the first post) for privacy's sake within the next few days. And I'll update if and when we have our next session. And I'll probably post more here anyway b/c some of you asked really good questions I'm still thinking about

    xx

    She wonders how much he'd pay to see her innards, what it is guys think girls are hiding so that they always want to see them in every place.
    - Virginie Despentes,


    All I wanna do is get my pussy sucked / count a million bucks in the back of an armored truck.
    - Lil' Kim, "Suck My Dick"

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