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Thread: Are my friends a bit looney or am I soft?

  1. #1
    Senior Member Roxychu's Avatar
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    Sad Are my friends a bit looney or am I soft?

    I guess I'd best describe myself as docile, i'm borderline cowardly but for some reason I seem to attract quite imposing female friends.

    I'll admit firstly that I find women intimidating, i don't want them to judge me so i'm shyer with women until i know them. This is no one problem but mine but i'm a lot more confident about it than i was. Once I do know them though I'm the one who jokes around a lot and gives relationship advice.

    My old best friend was quite dominant she'd decide where we were going, she'd wander off and talk to other ppl but get irritable if i did it or texted my bf. She was lovely one to one but whenever she involved her other best friend i found things hard work sometimes they'd tea up and overdo the banter and it started to piss me off i don't pay £8 taxi fare each way to have my night ruined (i was only in college then so this was a lot of money at the time) in the end we fell out becos instead of me feeling i could express my upsets i ended up having a right go at her all at once. I guess I'm passive aggressive something i'm working on.

    I've made some new female friends where i now live, ones a feminist and although she claims to be excepting of different viewpoints she can be kinda incredulous with me. The other is a bit princessy although it doesnt bother me but she can be very confrontational. Now I like these girls we're all imperfect but after last night i'm wondering if there's a reason i attract such strong and dominant women and how healthy it is for me. With men I'm very relaxed and i feel very much on an even keel.

    Last night me my bf and the more confrontational one went out together this guy basically sat in my bfs seat and i asked him to move, my bf asked him to he did and then started saying stuff to me i said a few things back and walked off thinking everyone would follow next thing i know this bloke has sed something supposedly knocked my bf on the head with an unbroken bottle and my bf has seen red and smashed a bottle everywhere. i get pushed over and curl up in a ball (i told you borderline cowardly) and the other girl is there standing in front of my bf protecting him and she gets pushed into glass n cuts all her arm. to cut a long story short my bf ends up with a bad cut on his nose and the other guy with a cut hand neither get a arrested or badly hurt thankgod but obviously i want to no my bfs ok and why they've put him in a room with an asstard. she's all 'calm down' i was calm like i actually was i was angry but i dont do stupid things i wasnt gonna run in or start any fights i wanted to no why the other lads were allowed to still be lingering about n jeering at me they got dragged off eventually and i got a bit fed up of being told to do this n that by her when i'm an adult and wasnt doing anything to warrant it.

    later that night she thinks she sees this guy who was racist towards her (i swear down it wasnt the same guy) and he's puzzled as when she starts screaming at him and chasing him a lil and i'm like 'are you sure it's him' 'SHUT UP ROXY OFC I'M SURE' and so i shuttup...

    I avoided work today cos i didnt feel like seeing her i was so mad at him for smashing a bottle i made him swear never to agen unless he's actually in danger (eg. dark alley not a club of bouncers) becos he could have put us in more danger by getting everyone more pumped with adrenaline. I guess i feel a bit emabressed that she was protecting my bf not me but i also feel completely weirded out by the both of them i cant comprehend why anyone would get that angry and irrational and it's made me kinda scared of both of them. I'm not always sure people speak to me with respect even when they like me my bf loves me to bits but he still doesnt disrespectful things likes litters in my room etc. and i feel a lot of my female friends tend to disregard how i feel. My mum would never be disrespected like that and I kinda wish I knew how to be like that. I'm still mad at my bfs grandad for waking me up with a call wanting to no where my bf is or summit me being as helpful as possible and him ranting at me and then putting the phone down on me, i've never known any old people tp put the phone down on someone who they're not angry at i kinda thing if even old fogeys are impolite with me maybe i have pushover written on me.

    What do you guys think I know it's long but I could really do with input.

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    Default Re: Are my friends a bit looney or am I soft?

    I'm really not trying to be rude, but you need to grow a bit of a spine. She's probably forgotten the incident already- people yell in the heat of the moment. I've always been very outspoken, really audacious actually, and I know I would have just brushed it off as well. Shit happens. She isn't mad at you.

    Also, am I reading this right? You curled up in a ball on a pub floor in public? Girl. Have more respect for yourself.
    Last edited by mediocrity; 03-26-2011 at 10:19 PM.

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    Senior Member Roxychu's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are my friends a bit looney or am I soft?

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    Last edited by Roxychu; 03-18-2013 at 06:52 PM.

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    Featured Member kandie_kitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are my friends a bit looney or am I soft?

    If someone comes after me or mine, and I don't care about how big the person is, there is no way I'd be curled up on the floor like a doormat...I'd be trying my damn hardest to protect my friends.

    Seriously, you need a spine. Not wanting to be in a confrontation is one thing, cowering when it's happening is another.

    And don't bitch at your boyfriend for smashing a bottle. Bouncers can take a long time to get involved when a fight breaks out, it's hard to see what's going on, get through a crowd, etc. I've seen people get seriously injured waiting for someone else to help them.

    He felt threatened enough he needed a weapon, try and understand that.

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    Default Re: Are my friends a bit looney or am I soft?

    The part that makes you the most spineless IMO is evidenced by how people treat you. Your right on the money when u acknowledge that even if a normally gentle old fogey yells at you and hangs up on u for something that isn't even your responsibility, that they must see u as a pushover that's convenient to vent on or use as a "blame target" for their frustration. I know this becuz yrs ago I was a loser pushover and my best friends mom did the exact same thing to me, even worse did it to me even after she realiSed from talking to me that I had laryngitis. I didn't tell her to never call me again or anything like thAt, just passive aggressiveLy made "shit happens" comments in the background 5days later when same friends mom called my friend to interrogate her bout why she was 7mins late arriving somewhere (it's called traffic), an action that made her mom start to hate me and disrespect me even more even though my muttering "shit happens" was my way of having a delayed reaction to what she'd done a few days earlier.

    Another way u can tell if ur a pushover is if generally nice people talk to you in a way less nice than they talk to mostly everyone else. +50 if other people, particularly nonfriends or people who don't know you well, say to them "you don't talk to [other folks] the way you talk to her". Many times they say it not just to call out the person for talking to you like shit, but also to call you out to the realization that your doing something wrong, something to "let" people think they can talk to u like shit.

    And, cowering IS rather cowardly. U don't wanna look like ur running with ur tail between ur legs. Another experience of mine: got into a bar fight (verbal only) with some dudes I knew yrs back, and my guy friend walked out becuz he was too chicken for it to potentially turn physical at which point the guys might try to hit him since I was a girl and he was my ally (supposedly). They all laughed at him for it, admittedly at the time even I did. Only time it might be acceptable to cower is if the cops are already there breaking it up and u have to keep nose clean for probation, or if ur having a high risk pregnancy u don't wanna take any risks on.

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    Default Re: Are my friends a bit looney or am I soft?

    One last thing. Becoming more assertive and self defensive is an important skill to learn and it takes time and maybe sonetimes even trying new, something radical, things out before finding a happy balance with it. I went thru it. But being able to garner respect from it, and subsequently all the good things that come with it--job offers,'promotions, more sales (if ur a salesperson), getting bf to propose, being invited to things by friends, lower prices on negotiable items
    Like cars, more self esteem--are well worth it. I recommend u read some books on it or even talk to some assertive empowering people about it. Some chicks on it wrote a thread about the book Why men love bitches...that's a good place to start.

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    Default Re: Are my friends a bit looney or am I soft?

    Quote Originally Posted by Roxychu View Post
    You wouldn't have curled up if people were smashing bottles and throwing fists? by curled up i mean hands over head I was protecting myself I dunno maybe I'm sposed to be one of those girls who humiliates herself by hanging on her bf arm when he's in a fight. I couldn't tell what was going on so after being shoved to the floor my instinct was to stay still and protect my face.

    She wasn't yelling in the heat of the moment she was yelling becos she didn't want t admit she'd just chased a stranger off for no reason. I don't mind people being outspoken, blunt or even borderline rude sometimes people don't even mean to be but i don't like being ordered around. I'm not bothered that she isn't mad at me I'm just concerned as to why people speak to me like that. It makes me uncomfortable.
    Absolutely not. I would have either fought back, or removed myself from the situation. Showing fear is what makes you more of a victim in a situation like that.

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    Senior Member Roxychu's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are my friends a bit looney or am I soft?

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    Last edited by Roxychu; 03-18-2013 at 06:52 PM.

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    Default Re: Are my friends a bit looney or am I soft?

    Wow. I think that's all I can say to that response.

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    Featured Member kandie_kitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are my friends a bit looney or am I soft?

    ^Yeah, that was pretty much my thought as well

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    God/dess DesuvsDeath's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are my friends a bit looney or am I soft?

    Honestly you shouldn't be hanging out with people who get in bar fights if you're the "curl up on the floor" type. What are you going to do when someone comes after you for being out with those people and they're all too busy fighting to come save you? Just lay there and get the shit kicked out of you till the bouncer gets there?
    Last edited by DesuvsDeath; 04-04-2011 at 08:39 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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    Featured Member GlitterBexie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Are my friends a bit looney or am I soft?

    Rox, you're not spineless, youre just nice, and you dont like confrontation. There's nothing wrong with that. Its just part of your personality and how you react to other people and protect yourself.

    If that had happened to me (ie the bottling incedent) then hell yeah id have been putting my hands over my head and trying to escape from the situation, i saw one of my best (male) friends get glassed and his face is scarred forever, i would not be putting myself into a line of fire.

    I have been told im being spineless and a pushover in some situations relating to my ex, but he (as you know) was/is a very controlling manipulative person, and im lucky to be seeing the wood for the trees now without the rose tinted glasses, despite the current situation (which you know about)

    And i know how hard saying "fuck off, NO!" can be to people who you care about cause you get worried that its gonna blow up even worse, so you be gentle and understanding and try and help or whatever. But sometimes, you gotta just say "hold your horses, im not happy with this" your real friends and the ones who love you will accept it and want you to be happy too, not just themselves. They may have a hissy fit and throw a temper tantrum, but you can guarentee that if they do care about you, they will be back armed with an apology. If they dont, then theyre not worth it. You are awesome enough to know that you WILL get proper friends and you WILL find people who are into the same things as yo and who care about you and arnt so ridiculously dominating that all they want is their own way.

    And i know im far away but you always got me!! Youre aces, dont be disheartened, everybody isnt made to be a hellfire and fury girl/boy, just like everyones not made to be placid and accepting, you just gotta get the balance right, and it takes time and a lot of work, but making YOU happy (and SAFE!!) is the most important thing!

    xxx
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