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Thread: So confused and frustrated. Im married/seperated/dating...

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    Default So confused and frustrated. Im married/seperated/dating...

    Well I seperated from my Navy husband in 2005. Its not legal, we just have lived in different states. Basically parted ways, without doing anything legal. My choice to leave him, we just grew apart. Anyways thats not the issue. I still have my benefits and ID card until Oct of this year.
    I have been dating a different Navy guy since 2008. I love him and we are very serious, I even moved across the country when he got stationed here a few weeks ago. We have talked about marriage, once the divorce is final.
    Well, since Im the one who wants the divorce, its only fair for ME to pay for it. Well, I dont have a job now. To draw up paperwork ourselves is quite difficult, yet less costly. I prefer NOT to use a lawyer, as we both agree on everything. But having a lawyer do it for us is easier… but very costly. HE wont make any moves to solve this problem, to come up with any solutions. Honestly, he doesnt want this marriage to end, so I can kinda see why he isnt trying to move along with the divorce. But its just not right for me to be with someone else,and married still.
    So WHAT am I supposed to do?
    The thing Im having trouble with is…when I get ready to go to school, or enroll my kid in school, or seek help from the FFSC on base…I get into that awkward conversation MY HUSBAND ISNT HERE..BUT IM HERE, WITH A DIFFERENT SAILOR…. It feels so embarrassing and shameful. While I am entitled to benefits being related to military, I never take advantage of them, because his LES doesnt match my household, obviously. And my current bf LES doesnt match our names/benefits. So im just frustrated with it all.
    I want to hurry up and move this divorce along, but as usual, his ass just sits around and waits for me to do it all. I havent been a resident in this state for 6 months(required length of residency to file), so theres nothing I can do on this end. So its up to him now, who has been in his state for 4 years or so.

    Im so frustrated and I dont know what to do.
    Last edited by AudrinaN; 03-27-2011 at 12:55 AM.

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    Default Re: So confused and frustrated. Im married/seperated/dating...

    Quote Originally Posted by AudrinaN View Post
    Well I seperated from my Navy husband in 2005. Its not legal, we just have lived in different states. Basically parted ways, without doing anything legal. My choice to leave him, we just grew apart. Anyways thats not the issue. I still have my benefits and ID card until Oct of this year.
    I have been dating a different Navy guy since 2008. I love him and we are very serious, I even moved across the country when he got stationed here a few weeks ago. We have talked about marriage, once the divorce is final.
    Well, since Im the one who wants the divorce, its only fair for ME to pay for it. Well, I dont have a job now. To draw up paperwork ourselves is quite difficult, yet less costly. I prefer NOT to use a lawyer, as we both agree on everything. But having a lawyer do it for us is easier… but very costly. HE wont make any moves to solve this problem, to come up with any solutions. Honestly, he doesnt want this marriage to end, so I can kinda see why he isnt trying to move along with the divorce. But its just not right for me to be with someone else,and married still.
    So WHAT am I supposed to do?
    The thing Im having trouble with is…when I get ready to go to school, or enroll my kid in school, or seek help from the FFSC on base…I get into that awkward conversation MY HUSBAND ISNT HERE..BUT IM HERE, WITH A DIFFERENT SAILOR…. It feels so embarrassing and shameful. While I am entitled to benefits being related to military, I never take advantage of them, because his LES doesnt match my household, obviously. And my current bf LES doesnt match our names/benefits. So im just frustrated with it all.
    I want to hurry up and move this divorce along, but as usual, his ass just sits around and waits for me to do it all. I havent been a resident in this state for 6 months(required length of residency to file), so theres nothing I can do on this end. So its up to him now, who has been in his state for 4 years or so.

    Im so frustrated and I dont know what to do.
    The JAG office is free, have them can draw up your divorce papers and ship them back to whatever State your married in. If you don't have a drivers license for the State your in and don't own property your not a resident. You don't need to use the State Legal system at all there is a Federal Magistrate Judge right there on the Base. Your soon to be ex surely doesn't want the marriage over. He is spending all the extra money he gets to support his dependents.

    Kinda keep your new relationship as secret as you can, and never admit to sexual relations. Adultery is very frowned on in the Military and your new Sailor can get burned. Bad.

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    Default Re: So confused and frustrated. Im married/seperated/dating...

    Army…Wow thank you for that reminder…because I was gonna go into this spouse support meeting..for spouses new to the area, and I might have otherwise slipped this out had I not read your advice first. Didnt even think about the adultry thing. Is it still adultry even though we have been seperated for 6 years? Either way, thank you for that advice!
    And JAG? Im guessing thats an Army term? I believe its just Navy Legal here.
    And yes, I believe he is loving the extra pay, to take care of our one daughter, while he sends NOTHING to me for his other daughter. I asked him to cover daycare until I find a job, and he said he will cover half. Well hello where is the other half coming from?? My new sailor isnt responsible for this child, and I certainly dont expect him to be! My ex disgusts me now, when I think Im paying all my student loans out of pocket when i could have used what I was entitled to being a Navy spouse, but didnt because I felt bad. And here he is going on trips with money he gets for being married to me.
    ::angry now::
    I will go to Navy Legal right away.
    I guess I will just say that I moved out here for family??

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    Default Re: So confused and frustrated. Im married/seperated/dating...

    The military rarely prosecutes for adultery, that said just be tactful and careful. Unless the Navy is a bit more strict that the Army? JAG will help you in the right direction, give you info on your state laws and such, but they won't draw up any paperwork. Divorce is handled by city/state court.

    Is it necessary to give all that information? I haven't lived with my ex in years and still take advantage of benefits since the divorce isn't final. Can't you answer with he's deployed or training? Don't waffle on the answer, say it firmly and finally while handing over what information you have for them.

    Can your boyfriend help with the expenses? I understand why that is in bad taste, but any guy I'm serious with has offered to expedite the process of divorce- they didn't like me being in limbo so to speak.

    You can still go to the meeting, just don't give them your whole background. Ask if you can join as a fiancee. I doubt they will say no. They'll probably figure he brought you on the base to go to the meeting or something. If there is other info you have to give, like how your child is in school etc, just say you were previously married to another sailor. No need for divorce papers at a meeting right?
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    Default Re: So confused and frustrated. Im married/seperated/dating...

    Quote Originally Posted by AudrinaN View Post
    And yes, I believe he is loving the extra pay, to take care of our one daughter, while he sends NOTHING to me for his other daughter. I asked him to cover daycare until I find a job, and he said he will cover half. Well hello where is the other half coming from?? My new sailor isnt responsible for this child, and I certainly dont expect him to be! My ex disgusts me now, when I think Im paying all my student loans out of pocket when i could have used what I was entitled to being a Navy spouse, but didnt because I felt bad.
    Actually, IMHO both of these "sailors" should both go out to sea if they aren't willing to meet their responsibilities.

    First, with respect to your ex, of course he doesn't want to be divorced. Not only will he lose his extra money, but do you realize how easy it is to collect child support from someone in the military? And whatever happened with him before does not matter now, because it is not about you, or him, or anyone else anymore, but rather about your little girl. IMHO you should be doing everything humanly possible to get her every advantage. Not only should you go after child support once you are divorced, but I believe that you can also keep her on military health benefits while he remains active.

    Now with the current sailor, you just tore up roots and moved yourself and your child across country to be with him. That was quite a committment, and there is no reason that he shouldn't be helping you now. To be fair, I have no idea if he has offered to help and you have refused, or if it something else. But if he is offering, then IMHO you should accept, and if he is not offering, then I would start to question why not and if he is serious about this. And btw, if he really does want to marry you, then he will need to be prepared to be a father to this girl as he, not the other guy, is going to be the one there while she is growing up.

    Sorry for the seeming rant and I wish you nothing but the best, but you seem awfully eager to give two grown men passes here. They both have obligations and, for the sake of your daughter, IMHO you need to make them both step up.
    Last edited by rickdugan; 03-27-2011 at 11:04 AM.

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    Default Re: So confused and frustrated. Im married/seperated/dating...

    Rickdugan…Thank you. And I don't feel it was a rant.

    My first priority is my daughter. Thats why she is with me in the first place, and not there with him. She is always taken care of, and has every one of her needs met….Im just saying he's not doing his part while Im struggling to do so, or (thinkin about) asking my current for help. Its not fair. But trust, she is FIRST.

    My current sailor has offered to help in every way he can…I just have always been very prideful and I guess I feel its MY job to handle her, and her fathers, not anybody else's. But my current sailor will do anything and everything for both of us.
    My ex, I even told him I dont want anything from you. I dont need a dime. I dont even care for child support. I'm thinking now, that Im gonna try to get it. But the thing is…he has one of our children and I have the other. So wouldnt it be pointless for him to send me support? Wouldnt that mean that I would send support as well?
    Im definitely gonna need some legal advice.

    And about the extra money. He always tells me I CAN ONLY CLAIM ONE DEPENDENT TO GET PAID EXTRA FOR, AND THATS OUR DAUGHTER. So according to him, hes not making anything extra for being married to me.

    Either way, I see I need to go to Navy Legal tomorrow and get some advice.
    And as for my current sailor, I wont disclose him. Ill just say I live here with friends or something, I guess..

    Thanks for the help everybody.

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    Default Re: So confused and frustrated. Im married/seperated/dating...

    Audrina, I never had a doubt that you were caring for your girl and I obviously did not understand the full situation when I posted, particularly the fact that he has one of your kids. Just out of curiosity though, any risk that he could be deployed or sent to a remote base in some foreign country?

    It was also good to hear that your current BF will help you - IMHO right now you probably need it and should not be too proud to ask him for it. You've already shown him your devotion by moving out there, so IMHO it is ok to give him a chance to show his.

    I agree that you need legal advice. I am also guessing that the legal folks on base will only get you so far and that you'll ultimately need to deal with this in your last state of residence. I hear you on the child support front - and no doubt the lawyers will have an opinion on that - but at the very least you should be able to secure health benefits for your daughter if she does not already have them from the military. Also, I agree that he will never file for divorce, so you will need to find an attorney in your former state to help you - a lot of the filings and legal work can usually be done remotely except for a couple of actual court appearances, so the fact that you are in another state should not be a barrier to getting started.

    In any event, good luck!

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    Default Re: So confused and frustrated. Im married/seperated/dating...

    JAG = Judge Advocate General. The JAG Corps handles legal questions for Commanders on Law of War and it handles the Legal needs of the Community from any like free notary public and Powers of Attorney, to Legal Defense.

    At minimum you Ex is drawing in addition to his Base Pay the following Entitlements that are intended for the care of Family Members.

    BAS/Separate Rations Basic Allowance for Subsistence - A supplemental groceries allowance.

    BAH/BAQ - Basic Allowance for Housing/ Basic Allowance for Housing. A supplemental allowance to pay for a place to live that is tied the Service members pay rate and the average for the area.

    You and your Daughter should also be signed up for Delta Dental and TriCare for you health needs.

    IF you Ex is not sending them to you then JAG and Finance can see to it that the money is sent directly to your account.

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    Default Re: So confused and frustrated. Im married/seperated/dating...

    We both have our medical benefits, and my daughter will keep hers even after divorce. I will have to get my own insurance, but im cool with that.
    He doesnt send ANYTHING at all to me.
    I looked online at the Navy Legal site and JAG and it just refers to me all the DIY forms, and tells me to get a lawyer. I dont even know where to begin with all this. :/
    Thanks guys

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