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Thread: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    I hate kids, so does my husband, we both always have. So don't worry, there are other people out there who are child free by choice.
    Just curious…what is about kids that you hate so much? Like hate, as in don't want to ever raise one, or just hate them in general. This isn't a mom vs. Childless person question… I would ask the same question if you said I hate black people or something like that.


    To the OP, people who's values don't fall in line with the masses will always face resistance. Those ideas are programmed into us from childhood and a person who dares to do what is best for THEM, regardless is seen as radical. It threatens peoples sensibilities and that is sad. Good luck to you in finding someone who respects your values. Everyone deserves to have that.

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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    Quote Originally Posted by SteveSmith View Post
    Men are attracted to youth and fertility. Men don't want to hear that you don't ever want to have children even though they don't want kids either because it's a sexual and psychological turn off. I dated someone who already had two kids and she had her tubes tied. Knowing she had her tubes tied was a turn off for me even though I didn't want to have any children with her.

    Even though you and your SO agree that you don't want to have children, you have to keep that fertility carrot dangling in front of him to keep his interest in you. It's a psychological thing. If you act like a biological dead end, it takes away him wanting you as much because men are biologically programmed to want to be with fertile women. That's partially what's going on in the Strip Club. Men want to be around young, fertile women.
    Its not what I want to hear but there is some merit to the above comment. Studies have shown it to be true, repeatedly. Heck, I've told my SO many times that I am almost completely incapable of bearing children due to medical issues. It could be possible through some invasive and expensive surgery and hormones. Even then a pregnancy would be very high risk and could kill or damage me.

    But when I make quips and jokes about never having to deal with children and motherhood, by default he gets a bit hurt and tells me, "don't say that" in a consoling voice...like I feel bad about this. But I do not. I have come to terms with it and am not interested in having children. He doesn't mean to do it, or realize what his tone conveys. But I think its the above.

    ...he really doesn't want to face the reality that he has absolutely no chance of spawning with me.

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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    Quote Originally Posted by Pure View Post
    Just curious…what is about kids that you hate so much? Like hate, as in don't want to ever raise one, or just hate them in general. This isn't a mom vs. Childless person question… I would ask the same question if you said I hate black people or something like that.


    To the OP, people who's values don't fall in line with the masses will always face resistance. Those ideas are programmed into us from childhood and a person who dares to do what is best for THEM, regardless is seen as radical. It threatens peoples sensibilities and that is sad. Good luck to you in finding someone who respects your values. Everyone deserves to have that.
    Ok, more like I hate the way most of them have been raised these days. They are SO disrespectful it seems (my husband had a 10yr old kid call him "dawg" at his work? WTF??). They are also messy, loud, and I am not a warm fuzzy cuddly person. They kind of freak me out.

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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    Quote Originally Posted by tampadancer View Post
    WHY is this so hard for men to comprehend? I'm 28 and very sure that kids are not for me. I don't have the maternal instinct, and I have no desire to be a mom. That SHOULD be the end of the conversation on the topic, but I always have to justify my position. It's as if having a vagina should automatically fill me with the desire to grunt out some spawn.

    I ended a four year relationship in November with a guy who was convinced that I'd "change my mind" about kids. He was so sure I'd see the light and change my thoughts on having a family. There were other issues..but it ended up being a big fucking waste of time.

    So I started dating a new guy in Dec (I move on fast!) and I was VERY CLEAR from the start that if he was sure he wanted a family one day, that I was probably not the woman for him. We seemed to be on the same page, as he said didn't think he'd EVER want kids. He's commented on it several times since that... Frankly, he has a hard time just taking responsibility for his dog.

    So the other night we were talking, and I mentioned that I wished I could find a doctor to sterilize me (my age and childless status makes that particularly difficult) and he was like "really"? I asked him if he suddenly had changed his attitude about kids, and he said he didn't know. This pissed me off because I was SO CLEAR about this from the start. Basically, he said that most of the time he doesn't want kids...but then once in a while, he thinks it would be "nice to have the option." He is 39, never married, no children...and he still doesn't know if he wants a family?

    So, I said we should talk more about it (this was a phone convo) in person because it could be a deal breaker. He responded by asking if I would change my mind if I met the right man.

    The "right man" doesn't have anything to do with it for me. The "right man" for me will NOT WANT KIDS. Why is this so hard to understand? Are there any good men out there who don't want babies?! (and not those who don't want kids because they already have some by another woman). ugh.
    Unfortunately part of being female is having to accept that a large proportion of the world's population still think in Neanderthal terms, and view any woman over reproductive age as walking wombs. Just like men who don't fight are considered sissys, women who don't have children are considered odd. People have to clasify them in their brains as barren, fridgid, lesbian, or selfish, just to make some sense of it.

    I just smile and nod, and continue on with my day. I *don't* feel the need (tried and failed too many times in the past before i gave up), to explain to them how overpopulated the planet is, and that by having children instead of adopting i would actually be BEING selfish, or that so many pregnancies and births result in serious complications up to and including death of the mother and/ or child that i'm just npot prepared to take the risk, or that childbearing does so much damage to the body, and certainly not the fact that on average a parent/ caregiver will PAY for that child for 20+ years.

    There are many, many otherr reasons... but suffice to say, a woman's choice is her own, she does NOT need to explain her reasoning to others. And if asked, she should remember that the person asking is doing so because they are unable to comprehend this anomaly in life. It is a lack of understanding, and not usually a deliberate attempt to insult/ subjugate/ interrogate etc.

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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    Just to sympathize....

    I didn't really want kids, and ended up having one because my husband would've been heartbroken if I'd had an abortion. So now we have an adorable daughter. I love her to death, but am occasionally wracked with regret.

    I don't have a very good "mommy" temperment. I don't have a lot of patience for her nonsense and have high standards expected of her. My husband is SOOOO much better with her than I am.

    I DO NOT EVER WANT another child. I don't like babies and little kids and loathed being pregnant. I would adopt an older child later on, but will never ever have another baby. If a doctor would sterilize me, I would do it, but since they won't I settle for IUDs.

    I told him this, and he does want another baby, but is respecting my decision. However, his parents and my dad are bugging and nagging me about another baby, when I wasn't sure I even wanted the one I now have. Why do grandparents become grandbaby obsessed? And why do random people ask me when I am going to have another one? I sometimes want to scream at them to just lay off and mind their own business.
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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    *hugs* papillonluvr, and don't ever feel guilty about thinking things like that, it's perfectly natural, and does NOT make you a bad person! Your daughter is a blessing and was obviously coming into this world whether you liked it or not LOL. Cherish her, and don't worry about what other people want. I was an only child, and can say from experience i had a wonderful, spoilt childhood with no brothers or sisters to have to share with

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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    Ok, more like I hate the way most of them have been raised these days. They are SO disrespectful it seems (my husband had a 10yr old kid call him "dawg" at his work? WTF??). They are also messy, loud, and I am not a warm fuzzy cuddly person. They kind of freak me out.
    I agree with you and feel the same way. If I have kids they will be respectful of adults and I will not raise brats. However I blame the parents, not the kids. We live in a society where parents think their kids are terrific and refuse to discipline them like previous generations.

    I will fess up and admit I am not baby obsessed. Babies are cute but once they start crying I get frustrated. I know the only way I could have a baby is if dad was more baby centered than me. If he was the type of guy who expected me to do all/most baby duties I wouldn't even consider having kids. I'd rather be a single mom doing all the work than married to a man who does little.

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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    Ok, more like I hate the way most of them have been raised these days. They are SO disrespectful it seems (my husband had a 10yr old kid call him "dawg" at his work? WTF??). They are also messy, loud, and I am not a warm fuzzy cuddly person. They kind of freak me out.
    I don't suffer that bullshit. If a 10 year old kid were to call me "dawg" he'd get an earful on respect.

    Thankfully nothing like that has happened to me yet.

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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Hyde View Post
    I don't suffer that bullshit. If a 10 year old kid were to call me "dawg" he'd get an earful on respect.

    Thankfully nothing like that has happened to me yet.
    Yeah, my husband freaked out on him. My kid tolerance is about 15 - 20 minutes. I'm generally a pretty serious person, and don't like silliness so I don't like talking to them, never mind having one address me in such a manner.

    On the flip side though, not being from the south, I hate the tradition of calling someone Miss or Mr and then their first name. If I tell a kid it's ok to call me by my first name, don't call me Miss Mediocrity, it's just Mediocrity. If the parents are insistent, then I'd rather just be called Mrs. NolaManager.

    End tangent.

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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    On the flip side though, not being from the south, I hate the tradition of calling someone Miss or Mr and then their first name. If I tell a kid it's ok to call me by my first name, don't call me Miss Mediocrity, it's just Mediocrity. If the parents are insistent, then I'd rather just be called Mrs. NolaManager.
    Too many parents raise their kids to be little animals now. This is due, IMHO, to the need of some parents to be friends with their children or to have constant approval from them.

    Not my children. My oldest is very polite in public and the whole Mr. and Mrs. thing is a part of that, though of course with the use of last names. Similarly, anything other than Mom or Dad in reference to my wife and I is not tolerated.

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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    Yeah, my husband freaked out on him. My kid tolerance is about 15 - 20 minutes. I'm generally a pretty serious person, and don't like silliness so I don't like talking to them, never mind having one address me in such a manner.

    On the flip side though, not being from the south, I hate the tradition of calling someone Miss or Mr and then their first name. If I tell a kid it's ok to call me by my first name, don't call me Miss Mediocrity, it's just Mediocrity. If the parents are insistent, then I'd rather just be called Mrs. NolaManager.

    End tangent.
    Haha...I AM from the south, and I'm used to "Mr. Firstname" from kids. I actually think it's a sign of disrespect for anyone under the age of 18 to call me by my first name. For little kids, I kind of expect "Mr. Firstname." For older kids, I expect "Mr. Surname."

    That said, if you're weirded out by being called "Ms. Firstname" then just say "I prefer "Ms. Surname." Most southern people understand that.

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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Hyde View Post
    Haha...I AM from the south, and I'm used to "Mr. Firstname" from kids. I actually think it's a sign of disrespect for anyone under the age of 18 to call me by my first name. For little kids, I kind of expect "Mr. Firstname." For older kids, I expect "Mr. Surname."

    That said, if you're weirded out by being called "Ms. Firstname" then just say "I prefer "Ms. Surname." Most southern people understand that.
    I'm with you - and I actually like "Ms. Firstname," especially if it's a little kid and they say it with a bit of a twang... so cute I was brought up that way - Ms., Mr., ma'am, and sir. I can't even tell you how many times, through my angry teenage years, this conversation occurred with my mom:

    mom: <*angry> Do you understand me?
    me: <snarl, eyeroll, big sigh>: YES.
    mom: <angrier> excuse me?
    me: I said YES.
    mom: <giving me the, "oh, you wanna play hardball" eyes>: YES WHAT?
    me: <through gritted teeth>: yes, MA'AM! <stomps away>

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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    My daughter is being raised half southern, half northeastern, so the Sir and Ma'am thing comes and goes, depending on which half of her family she's been around more. But on a good day, she does say yes ma'am when asked a question. On a bad day, she says yep.

    But I think maybe Ill start asking what the adult prefers to be addressed as. Whether it's sir, ma'am, miss Firstname or just Firstname.
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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Hyde View Post
    Haha...I AM from the south, and I'm used to "Mr. Firstname" from kids. I actually think it's a sign of disrespect for anyone under the age of 18 to call me by my first name. For little kids, I kind of expect "Mr. Firstname." For older kids, I expect "Mr. Surname."

    That said, if you're weirded out by being called "Ms. Firstname" then just say "I prefer "Ms. Surname." Most southern people understand that.
    Ah, see my parents are European. I was told to address all adults as Mr. or Ms. Last Name, unless they told me otherwise.

    In regards to the ma'am and sir thing, my dad never liked it. If I ever said "Yes sir!" in jest, he would sigh and say "I'm not "sir", I'm your father. Dad will do just fine". I've never referred to an adult as ma'am or sir- when kids call me ma'am, it actually makes me feel old!

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    Default Re: what part of "I don't want kids" is so hard to understand?

    I just don't understand the expectation either. I'm 28 with no children and I can not tell you how many people have looked me straight in my face after I told them I had no children and asked me what was wrong with me? I have been asked so many stupid follow up questions:am I a virgin, do I have some type of illness, am I a lesbian, did I have a female problem? I want children someday, but I want a life, career, and husband first.

    As for the quality of children these days: I think of the fact that the 12-16 yr olds these days are the children of the girls who started having babies when we were in 7th/8th grade and totally understand why they are the way they are. Their moms weren't that smart/careful then and 15 yrs later they are still mentally the same misguided women. I'm from the south and I call 16 yr old girls at Dairy Queen and Walmart miss and ma'am. Some people teach their children manners, but most don't bother. A friend from home has a niece that's 21 who just had her second child and thinks it's cute that her 4 yr old curses at adults. I see how the current teen generation was lost. I just don't know or if it'll ever be found.
    Thank Goodness I smartened up! The old me is dead and gone.

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