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Thread: He proposed and then got scared???

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    Default He proposed and then got scared???

    I dunno if he got scared but that's my best guess.

    He asked me to marry him and I got so excited I told my mom and sister and cpl of other people. Thank God I didn't go and make a grand annoucement though.

    He pretty much started a fight with me for no reason after this. I could go into details but it's a dumb fight that means nothing and I think he did this because he got scared and freaked out that he proposed.

    Now we are not talking. I am so mad, hurt, and just ugh...

    So I just deleted a whole bunch of stuff I wrote because I don't want to make this too long. Basically, what can I do?

    I can't chase him, cause if he is scared, I will just freak him out. For now, I am just letting him be.

    I would love to hear any guy's opinions on this as well.


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    Veteran Member Redwolf's Avatar
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    Default Re: He proposed and then got scared???

    Why did he propose? Was is because he unabashedly wanted to commit his whole life to you? Did he do it because he knew that you wanted to be asked? Or something else? The question is: did he really mean it?

    If he didn't really mean it or is not ready yet, then it is good that you hold off, continue building your relationship, or do anything other than get married unready and unprepared. That could possibly even be moving on, if he can never be what you want your man to be.

    If he meant it, then maybe he is scared. He might be thinking about the commitment. Maybe he is overwhelmed by thoughts of the responsibility of a wife and children and her family and a singular, exclusive relationship. Maybe he needs a little break to reevaluate his proposal: "Is this what I REALLY want to do?" If you think that he really meant it, talk with him. If you are comfortable, let him know that he can take some time to think things through. (I wouldn't let him wait forever, though) Then, when he has his act together, make the grand announcement.

    How long have you know each other? How long have you dated? Exclusively? Have you discussed marriage a lot? Have you decided that you would get married already? If you know him well, you might already have some insight into what is going on in his head. Does he have any friends that might have questioned his decision? Old girl friends?

    If it were me, I would want a girl friend to be excited that I proposed to her. But, could your excitement perhaps have overwhelmed him? Maybe he expected you to be excited, but your response was more than he was ready for.

    Giving him some time might be good, if you can handle it. Communicating and working it out together is a good sign for your potential future marriage.

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    Default Re: He proposed and then got scared???

    just show him plenty of love and avoid the arguements.. he probably did them to save face coz things probably didnt go as planned. then when youre all good, a month or so later ask him if its still on and he still meant it, coz it would mean a lot to u if it did
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    Default Re: He proposed and then got scared???

    This happened to me once. He'd proposed because he felt like he "should" do it but he didn't actually want to do it. The good news in your situation is that the guy I was with was actually gay and freaked after proposing, then decided to just dump me and come out. I don't think that'll happen to you.

    In your case, I think you should, now that some time has gone by, try to create a chill, non-judgmental space in a neutral environment and talk about it. Make it clear that you're ok no matter what, that he doesn't have to protect you and that you won't freak on him -right now- no matter what he says. Maybe have some beers or some a joint. Then just hash it out.


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    Default Re: He proposed and then got scared???

    Quote Originally Posted by Redwolf View Post
    Why did he propose? Was is because he unabashedly wanted to commit his whole life to you? Did he do it because he knew that you wanted to be asked? Or something else? The question is: did he really mean it?

    If he didn't really mean it or is not ready yet, then it is good that you hold off, continue building your relationship, or do anything other than get married unready and unprepared. That could possibly even be moving on, if he can never be what you want your man to be.

    If he meant it, then maybe he is scared. He might be thinking about the commitment. Maybe he is overwhelmed by thoughts of the responsibility of a wife and children and her family and a singular, exclusive relationship. Maybe he needs a little break to reevaluate his proposal: "Is this what I REALLY want to do?" If you think that he really meant it, talk with him. If you are comfortable, let him know that he can take some time to think things through. (I wouldn't let him wait forever, though) Then, when he has his act together, make the grand announcement.

    How long have you know each other? How long have you dated? Exclusively? Have you discussed marriage a lot? Have you decided that you would get married already? If you know him well, you might already have some insight into what is going on in his head. Does he have any friends that might have questioned his decision? Old girl friends?

    If it were me, I would want a girl friend to be excited that I proposed to her. But, could your excitement perhaps have overwhelmed him? Maybe he expected you to be excited, but your response was more than he was ready for.

    Giving him some time might be good, if you can handle it. Communicating and working it out together is a good sign for your potential future marriage.
    Great post. Many of those questions determines why he proposed. Some guys propose because they feel the pressure to do so, though they aren't ready.

    However, for some reason some men do things they later take back. My last ex asked me to be exclusive, talked about our future, etc then took it all back. I still don't know why but some men do this. My advice is to let him be and if it's meant to be he'll come back.

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    Default Re: He proposed and then got scared???

    He definitely hasn't been pressured. Maybe even the opposite. And I am thinking that maybe my response did have something to do with it, but not that I was overly ecstatic, more like cynical.

    I asked him again and again if he was serious. I mean he did ask me on April Fool's day and he always swore he would never get married again and also has told me in the past that we are not right for eachother.

    This came out of the blue. I was dumbfounded.

    So did he really mean it, Redwolf? I dunno. I guess not.

    I have known him for like 7 years. He was previously married for 10 years. Been divorced for the last 2 and seperated for the last 3.

    He told me that he knew I was a good woman and the right woman, but that he didn't feel that he was in the right place financially and whatnot and that we would be "struggling". I dunno wtf he is talking about. I own a house and a business and am not "struggling" at all. Maybe he feels eclipsed by me. I dunno.

    So then he starts a useless fight about nothing and tells me he thought I "changed" and that one day I should "grow up" and will see my life getting better. My life is fine. He is the one whose life has fallen apart after his own divorce. He lost his house, his business, and his life. But he is the one who starts a useless fight with me to tell me how my life should get better when I grow up. He left me some text message about how he shouldn't "settle".

    I sent him an email and told him he is right. He should go find the woman of his dreams and I should go find the man of my dreams.

    I fucking hate him right now.

    Why did he even start this shit with me?

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    Default Re: He proposed and then got scared???

    If there is one day of the year NOT to propose on, April Fool's Day seems to be it!!!

    Without knowing a whole lot more, my initial instinct is say, "Move on." Who proposes to a girl on April Fool's Day and then acts like he really did mean it, but won't say that it was an April Fool's prank?

    IMO, the fact of being proposed to should not be surprising (marriage should be discussed well be proposal), but the time, place, and way of doing it should be surprising!

    My guess is that he mostly liked how things were before. Comfortable. Not challenging. No commitment. Probably enjoying time together and good sex. He thought of a good April Fool's prank (or a friend/co-worker suggested it) and discovered that you were interested in marriage when he really was not. So now, he changes his tune and blames it on you.

    If he was serious about marrying you (and it sounds like he wasn't) and was worried about finances, i.e., felt inadequate because he wasn't bringing as much to the table as you, then he should get out there and get a promotion, a better job, or a second job. Or he should learn to appreciate the skill and hard work that you have exhibited in developing your business and growing your assets. It didn't bother him that you are doing better financially when you were together, but it does when marriage is actually being considered.

    IMO, give him a break. Go do stuff with girl friends and family. See if he will figure himself out.

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    Thumbs up Re: He proposed and then got scared???

    This reminds me of something the wife said on the first date. If you love someone let them go. If they come back you'll know they really love you. If they don't it never was.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    Default Re: He proposed and then got scared???

    Quote Originally Posted by lilmisssunshine View Post
    I dunno if he got scared but that's my best guess.

    He asked me to marry him and I got so excited I told my mom and sister and cpl of other people. Thank God I didn't go and make a grand annoucement though.

    He pretty much started a fight with me for no reason after this. I could go into details but it's a dumb fight that means nothing and I think he did this because he got scared and freaked out that he proposed.

    Now we are not talking. I am so mad, hurt, and just ugh...

    So I just deleted a whole bunch of stuff I wrote because I don't want to make this too long. Basically, what can I do?

    I can't chase him, cause if he is scared, I will just freak him out. For now, I am just letting him be.

    I would love to hear any guy's opinions on this as well.


    To me, you said it right "I can't chase him, cause if he is scared, I will just freak him out." I would give it a day or two and then call him and ask him to meet you at your house, for coffee, etc...and then talk face to face. This way things will not be misunderstood and you can see his facial expressions and take it from there.

    You shouldn't be walking on egg shells because he wanted to pick a fight with you...and do you really want to marry a ,an who is scared and not ready?

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    Default Re: He proposed and then got scared???

    Quote Originally Posted by TinkerBall View Post
    This reminds me of something the wife said on the first date. If you love someone let them go. If they come back you'll know they really love you. If they don't it never was.
    My sister in law said this to me and it's true. Her and my brother broke up so many times dating but she knew he'd come back and he did. I thought my last guy would come back, he did, but then disappeared again.

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    Default Re: He proposed and then got scared???

    Quote Originally Posted by TinkerBall View Post
    This reminds me of something the wife said on the first date. If you love someone let them go. If they come back you'll know they really love you. If they don't it never was.
    Quote Originally Posted by Amy Lee View Post
    You shouldn't be walking on egg shells because he wanted to pick a fight with you...and do you really want to marry a ,an who is scared and not ready?
    I like both of these a lot--not to knock any of the other excellent advice here.

    Sorry it's upsetting right now, and who could blame you for being upset? But thank god he did this now and not 3 days before the big wedding!
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

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