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Thread: Stuck and going no where after relationship

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    God/dess Kisca's Avatar
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    Last edited by Kisca; 04-29-2011 at 03:04 PM. Reason: ........

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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    I'm dealing with that now myself. Part of me really wants a relationship but then part of me doesn't because the guys I meet aren't my type. I'm going to this singles group soon but really doubt I'll meet a guy I want. Even when I've done the online thing I rarely found a guy I really wanted to meet. I've asked people close to me and they say it's probably a defense mechanism so I don't meet someone and can continue to feel sorry for myself. I'm trying to get back on track and date several men at once so I can avoid that again.

    To answer your question, I think part of it (at least in my experience) is that most men are taken, especially at my age. Seems all that is left are the dads (I will not date dads ever) or the extremely unattractive who are jerks, or the guys with mental problems. When I was younger seemed like all I found were clingy men or guys wanting sex only.

    Just do what I am doing and get out and do things. I am going to a singles group and rejoining the gym. I am involved in several activities as well. I am going to concentrate on me for awhile but still keeping my eyes open for a man.

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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    That's exactly what I'm planning to do, date several casually, no sex until it becomes exclusive (or even later than that). Maybe I'll meet someone, maybe not but it'll be fun and who knows maybe I will meet the one. I'm not repeating my mistake of getting too serious too soon, I'll probably date a few guys a few months or so.

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    Veteran Member AriahsPariah's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    Sorry to hear you're going through this. Look at your situation positively by taking this time to invest in yourself. What I mean by investing in yourself is find new hobbies, read uplifting books such as The Alchemist or Why Men Love Bitches, workout, blast your favorite music while your room mate isn't home and do some cleaning...naked (I do this and it makes cleaning more fun for some reason ) Do anything for yourself to lift your spirits. Also spending time with positive and supportive people help tremendously. Take this time to re-evaluate your life and think about the ideal relationship you want to be in. Look at it as a "spring cleaning" for your mind, body and soul.
    "Do what thou wilt..."-Crowley

    http://exoticallyneurotic.blogspot.com/

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    Veteran Member AriahsPariah's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    One more thing..I'm sure your friends and their boyfriends know a few single men. Have you asked them?
    "Do what thou wilt..."-Crowley

    http://exoticallyneurotic.blogspot.com/

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    Featured Member tampadancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    Really, I think the best way to get over a relationship is to focus on yourself. Spend time alone and be comfortable with your own company. Invest in you - workout, pick up some new hobbies, take yourself out for a drink, go somewhere for coffee and people watching...whatever. I think that joining a bunch of dating sites isn't the answer...you will probably meet a few more assholes (because they are EVERYWHERE!). Spend some time figuring out who you are and what you want. So often, we lose part of ourselves when we become involved in longterm relationships, and you have to sort of remind yourself of who you are when you get out of them.

    And, most guys in their 20s are still in their asshole phase, naturally. I would never date guys my age...EVER! They don't mature until early to mid thirties - unless they had a family young and were forced to grow up earlier. Just my .02.

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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    When i want some good conversation i come here

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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    Enjoy the single life!!!!!
    & like the other ladies said ^ take this time for you! If your not into dating right now, dont.

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    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by livingdeadgirl View Post
    Enjoy the single life!!!!!
    & like the other ladies said ^ take this time for you! If your not into dating right now, dont.

    yes^

    take the energy you were going to expend to find a new guy..........and try to find some new girlfriends to do stuff you like with.

    You are not unhappy because you are alone.....you are unhappy because you are going through a breakup.

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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by tampadancer View Post
    Really, I think the best way to get over a relationship is to focus on yourself. Spend time alone and be comfortable with your own company. Invest in you - workout, pick up some new hobbies, take yourself out for a drink, go somewhere for coffee and people watching...whatever. I think that joining a bunch of dating sites isn't the answer...you will probably meet a few more assholes (because they are EVERYWHERE!). Spend some time figuring out who you are and what you want. So often, we lose part of ourselves when we become involved in longterm relationships, and you have to sort of remind yourself of who you are when you get out of them.

    And, most guys in their 20s are still in their asshole phase, naturally. I would never date guys my age...EVER! They don't mature until early to mid thirties - unless they had a family young and were forced to grow up earlier. Just my .02.

    I'm a guy & I agree 100%

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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Kisca View Post
    After my ex and I broke up and I moved out, I didnt do anything. My house is a damn mess, I didnt even leave my place for 2 days. All my girlfriends have long-term boyfriends, and my social circle doesnt exsist. My roomate is going to be gone 5 days out of the week to be with her boyfriend as well. Im the only single one! Dating of any kind doesnt seem interest me, I dont want to do anything! Maybe if men were more interested in having a conversation but all the ones I did talk to online were just "eh" and didnt even have interest in me. What's going on? Is it the men, me, the world? Gah. Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions, did anyone exp this? Anyway to get back to normal, on track, and happy ? Thanks
    if you dont have a social circle or any other social connections right now because you were dating, then the best thing to do is to not focus on dating and focus on building up those things. i would focus on new hobbies, finding new friends, and yourself. you should NEVER let a relationship consume all of yourself. i would advise finding enough stuff to fill your time so in the future when you do get into a relationship then you wont make the same mistake again.

    Also, arent you really young? if im not mistaken, you are younger than me and im only 23... that is too young to be worrying about finding a committed man IMO.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    Some great advice in this thread. I wholeheartedly agree with the prevailing opinion that you devote this time to yourself and not worry about finding anyone new right now. Which from the sounds of it is what you are doing.

    If there's one thing I can't stand, it's all the bullshit games superficial people play when they are out looking for someone. The guys are as bad as the girls in this respect. No one is ever REAL, it seems. Whenever this gets to me, I have no hesitation whatsoever--fuck the dating games, I put me first and do whatever the hell I want.

    The working out thing is a great idea, not only is it great for your health and appearance, it will pump endorphins into your bloodstream, and that will make you feel very good indeed, with or without a SO.

    If there's one thing I've learned it's that the better you feel about yourself, the more people will be drawn to you. While this can be tough to pull off in some environments, the worst thing you can do is immediately seek self-affirmation by latching onto the first available dating partner. Not that it sounds like what you are thinking about, but it's what an amazing number of women and men seem to do, because they cannot handle being alone, even for a couple weeks.

    But it's deceptive--it's not really self-affirmation at all, it's 'other-affirmation', and it's nowhere near as good as the real thing, coming from within.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    ATHENTHEFABULOUS----trying to PM u..but it says ur inbox is full
    please pm me when u have a chance..wanted to ask u a question

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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    ugh this is one of the reasons im having a hard time breaking up w my current boyfriend...i know im going to get super depressed and all my friends are married or work too much to do anything i have no friends lol...my plan is to stay busy. i know how i am and if i get depressed and dont stay busy i will be in the house all week long...do you work out? try to create a routine for yourself like every morning hit the gym...as far as socializing goes--i wouldnt worry about meeting other guys right now let yourself heal from the break up, you need to be comfortable "alone"... i guess come here lol...the ladies on this board are real encouraging. but do try getting out of the house atleast once a day.

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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Djoser View Post
    Some great advice in this thread. I wholeheartedly agree with the prevailing opinion that you devote this time to yourself and not worry about finding anyone new right now. Which from the sounds of it is what you are doing.

    If there's one thing I can't stand, it's all the bullshit games superficial people play when they are out looking for someone. The guys are as bad as the girls in this respect. No one is ever REAL, it seems. Whenever this gets to me, I have no hesitation whatsoever--fuck the dating games, I put me first and do whatever the hell I want.

    The working out thing is a great idea, not only is it great for your health and appearance, it will pump endorphins into your bloodstream, and that will make you feel very good indeed, with or without a SO.

    If there's one thing I've learned it's that the better you feel about yourself, the more people will be drawn to you. While this can be tough to pull off in some environments, the worst thing you can do is immediately seek self-affirmation by latching onto the first available dating partner. Not that it sounds like what you are thinking about, but it's what an amazing number of women and men seem to do, because they cannot handle being alone, even for a couple weeks.

    But it's deceptive--it's not really self-affirmation at all, it's 'other-affirmation', and it's nowhere near as good as the real thing, coming from within.

    I am real with people outside of my work environment and to a certain degree inside of it as well. I admit it too I am one of those who will start looking as soon as a relationship crumbles bc I can not be alone wish I was strong enough to be like some of u and almost insist on wanting no one in my life for a while. If my relationship ends I would be so much better insisting on being with no one for a while. But u have to be honest and admit that its extra hard meeting someone when u r a dancer. So many guys cant handle it or wont take u seriously-- its even harder bc as a dancer u r automatically even more alone. You really have to be a super strong person to handle that.

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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by shift_6x View Post
    I am real with people outside of my work environment and to a certain degree inside of it as well. I admit it too I am one of those who will start looking as soon as a relationship crumbles bc I can not be alone wish I was strong enough to be like some of u and almost insist on wanting no one in my life for a while. If my relationship ends I would be so much better insisting on being with no one for a while. But u have to be honest and admit that its extra hard meeting someone when u r a dancer. So many guys cant handle it or wont take u seriously-- its even harder bc as a dancer u r automatically even more alone. You really have to be a super strong person to handle that.

    Hey I was a basket case the first time I broke up with my first live in SO (of 5 years). I wanted someone else right away, and was miserable until I found them.

    It was perhaps fortunate that they were 1200 miles away. This meant I found myself anyway, without depending on them too much.

    it's really hard being alone when you are used to someone around a lot. Especially if you are an affectionate person or like affection.

    What I found was that every breakup gets easier, and every time time I have focused more on finding myself than on the big hole that wanted to be filled.


    And yeah, you are correct, it's a lot harder if you are in the business. Better to be single I have found. Make as much money as possible for a few years, then get out.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

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    God/dess Will's Avatar
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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Kisca View Post
    After my ex and I broke up and I moved out, I didnt do anything. My house is a damn mess, I didnt even leave my place for 2 days. All my girlfriends have long-term boyfriends, and my social circle doesnt exsist. My roomate is going to be gone 5 days out of the week to be with her boyfriend as well. Im the only single one! Dating of any kind doesnt seem interest me, I dont want to do anything! Maybe if men were more interested in having a conversation but all the ones I did talk to online were just "eh" and didnt even have interest in me. What's going on? Is it the men, me, the world? Gah. Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions, did anyone exp this? Anyway to get back to normal, on track, and happy ? Thanks
    Ah, the post breakup blues. It can last longer then we want to admit. Don't force it, don't feel like dating yet, don't. But, be social, make effort to see friends, family, attend stuff you planned to attend, alone or other. Biggest mistake I see people is (especially women...) is the minute they are in a relationship, the rest of the worlds fails to matter, and they don't keep in touch with their friends. Once single, they have few if any friends to hang out with.

    I hate it when guy or gal friends do that. Not when I was married, or in a relationship, did I stop communicating with friends.

    Can't say the revers is true of some of my friends, who the second they got married, in a relationship etc, dropped off the face of the earth. That really pisses me off and bodes poorly on a person's character in my view.

    Learning to enjoy doing things on your own is also worth learning, so alone or with someone, it don't matter.

    Ever go on vacation alone? I rather enjoy it. Yes, it's different then going with someone, but has it's own benefits too.
    A cunning linguist...

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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    I agree, Will--except I don't think we should be too hard on people that let friends go like that. It seems to be an all-too human failing. I see it happen so often.

    Also, not only does it put way too much strain on the relationship (trying to be everything someone else needs for years on end, an impossible goal if I ever heard of one), but it means the hole left when the relationship ends is that much bigger.

    I think that hole you feel after a big breakup isn't just missing the other person. It's looking at what what is missing from your life, and that usually means a lot more than some asshole/bitch who either didn't deserve you anyway, or whose time has come no matter how cool they may have been to start. People either change or they stagnate, and people changing often means they drift away. Stagnant people will drag you down with them.

    Not many people can really look into that big void, not really. So they run right out and find someone else, and never fix the things inside that could use fixing, do the things that will make them need others less, fill the hole themselves so it won't be such a giant chasm the next breakup.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    Glad to hear you are doing better.

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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    good for you lady

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    Default Re: Stuck and going no where after relationship

    i read somewhere that cleaning is one of the best things you can do for recovery.
    you place, you diet, you workouts whatever.
    start making you place your own- decorate or get it how you want.

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