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Thread: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

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    Sad GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Hi newbie here and with a stripper girlfriend. If I have posted this on the wrong forum, please move it to the right forum. If I have broken any forum rules and want to ban me, do so. But for the love of God, let this thread run its course. I really need help.

    My girlfriend (whom I love very much) is a stripper. I don't mind at all and I will be visiting her at work soon. I know she does it for the money because after work I am the one she comes back too. So that is not the problem at all. The problem is that she gets drunk, a lot. Like every day she works and she works a lot. Just these past week she only took off one day from working and she still got fucked up. Don't get me wrong, she is not the throwing up passing out kind of drunk but she slurs her speech. I have tried to talk to her about this in the past (but I always bring it up when she is drunk. Lately, I have been smart about it and wait until the next day when she is sober. Yet she still gets mad or completely ignores it) and it does not ends well. She is really mean when she is drunk, calling me names, telling me to fuck off, it's her life and she does what she wants. Even though in the past she has promised me that she won't get drunk at work and if she does she won't get drunk to the point of falling down (She has fallen down twice in the past). Wrong. She has broken these promises. She has told me that she knows getting drunk at work is wrong yet she still does it. Drunkenly she has recognized she is an alcoholic (mind you, she is a very functional one) but what I am worried about is her health and how, maybe not now, she will grab a beer as soon as she wakes up. I pray not! It will kill me if she does. And I will help her if she needs it but she does not really recognize she has a problem, she will just laught it off, ignore it or get mad at me. All I do is try to make her understand that what she is doing is hurting me and ,in the long run, it will hurt her. I know there's not a damn thing I can do for her (as much as I wish it was different) and I can't help her unless she wants to be helped. I guess I just need some words of encouragement. This is the only place I can talk about it. My family has met her and they absolutely love her, they don't know what she does for a living or her "problems". Leaving her is not an option unless she wants to end our relationship. That's all for now.
    Thank you for reading and have a good night.


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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Have a serious talk with her, tell her you are worried and things need to change. Has she had this problem before she met you? Have you asked her to stop.. or get help if its serious? Have a serious talk with her, if she doesnt change seems like you wont be happy with her in the long run if she isnt willing to change.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Thanks for the reply, Kisca. She had this problem before we fell in love but I never thought it was that serious. I have tried to ask her to stop but she gets mad and tell me she is able to pay for all of her things so she doesn't really see it as a problem. I have asked her, at least, to slow down but no luck either. I will have a serious talk with her but I'm afraid she will just tell me off and never want to see me again. I have to choose my words carefully. I need some tips on how to talk to her and how to bring up this conversation.

    Thank you again.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Express concern, but don't say things like "I wish you'd stop drinking" etc etc. I used to have a pretty intense alcohol problem, and my husband addressed it the perfect way. He would say things like "Honey, I worry about you getting so drunk at work- I just want you to be safe", or "I'm not saying you should STOP drinking, just maybe be a little more conscious of it".

    Bottom line is, stripping is an intense emotional work out, and a lot of times, booze is a way out. You should sit down and have a talk with her and find out the reasons FOR her drinking, and not focus on the actual drunkenness itself. Know what I mean? BUT- if she is a mean drunk and it's directed towards YOU- you have to take a stand. One night, I got really shitfaced wasted and not only embarrassed, but demeaned my poor husband. He took a stand (obviously when I was sober) and was like "Look- I am not going to be the recipient of your abuse. If you want to drink that's one thing, but I am not going to tolerate abuse". She will ultimately have to make a choice about what's more important. I give you mad props because you love her and you're sticking it out. That's a sign you are truly devoted to her, and honestly, people don't seek help until they are ready. But I have a sneaking suspicion that if she loves you as much as you love her... she will make the right choice.

    I was sober for MONTHS, and now I can go out with my husband and have a few, or hell, get drunk with him! But because of my love and devotion to him, I am a changed person who can drink when it's appropriate, and recognise the bigger picture.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Thanks for the reply, mediocrity. I will try that. Thanks for letting me know that there is hope. And I do love her, we are planning to get married, and I will stick to it, no matter what. I just wish it didn't had to be this way.
    Last edited by oxxxes; 04-20-2011 at 08:27 AM.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Was she drinking like this before she became a stripper? Some people choose this industry because alcohol and drugs are much more available and rampant and, to a certain degree, acceptable, than most vanilla jobs.

    Or, she could be the type who feels that she needs to be at least tipsy before she can strip. This can be extremely habit forming...the girls who "just want a couple shots" before they go on stage...and if they're on stage six or seven times a night, that's like 12 or 14 shots in a night, usually on a fairly empty stomach. It adds up. Plus the drinks that customers buy them... I strongly believe that you have to be an exhibitionist in order to do this job, and if you are unable to do the job sober, you shouldn't be doing it. Period.

    That said, it sounds like your girlfriend is extremely defensive and tries to start a fight every time you bring up her drinking. You said she is verbally abusive with you? This is not a good sign.

    Unfortunately, you can't make her change. If she feels that you're forcing her to change her lifestyle, even if you aren't, she will always resent you for it. She may even succumb, but it won't be permanent. She's the only one who can make her change. When I was 17, I dated a guy who forced me to quit smoking, even though I didn't want to quit. I would start sneaking cigarettes when he wouldn't find out, and the first thing I did after I dumped him was go buy a pack of Marlboro red 100's at the gas station.

    I suggest explaining to her how she does very hurtful things when she's drunk. A lot of alcoholics or drug abusers tend not to notice when things they say and do are mean and hurtful. But unfortunately, if she doesn't want to stop drinking, you are SOL. Either you will have to learn to deal with it, or you should leave, and you shouldn't make yourself into this doormat because your girlfriend wants to get drunk every night at work, then come home and take it all out on you. Fuck that. I've dated alcoholics. Never, ever, ever again. Not worth even a second of my time.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Thanks for the reply, firemaiden04. I knew she drank but I never knew she drank every day and to get drunk...not even tipsy or buzzed. Sadly, it seems, that you are right. She chose this profession because of the availability of alcohol and drugs. She likes to get fucked up, who doesn't? But every day? That is just a bit too much. Now she has told me that she wants to quit drinking. Only problem is that she wants to pick up cocaine instead and it will be the same as with alcohol. She never bought alcohol and I doubt she will ever have to buy her own coke. I have told her I was in the same boat before (I never enjoyed anything unless I was fucked up on drugs/alcohol. Not even hanging out with my friends was enjoyable unless I was fucked up) It took me years to stop and just enjoy myself sober. Mind you, I still drink and smoke but not every day. Maybe once a week, at most. She knows all of this and she still does not care...I don't know what to do. I'm having second thoughts already. What am I supposed to tell my family if our engagement is off? Oh, she was a drug user and an alcoholic? I stopped using hard drugs because it always ended up bad and I can't and I won't fall for the same shit. I have lost many friends due to drugs and alcohol, it breaks my heart to even think about it. Knowing her personality she won't be able to stop doing it, even if it's only at work, just like she was/is doing it with the alcohol. This is a fucked up world we live in. Why do people even bring that shit? I'm seriously thinking about giving up my life, I am so heartbroken and sad. I don't know. Thanks for "listening" to me and my problems, I really love this girl.
    Oh, did I mention that she promised me that she would not do anymore coke (she used to have a problem with it in the past. She hadn't done it in a while)? Yet, here we are again. Life is cruel.
    Last edited by oxxxes; 04-20-2011 at 02:07 PM.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    I have absolutely no problem with recreational drug use. But there's a big difference between that and plain drug abuse. I've done plenty of drugs, and I've enjoyed the hell out of them. But I love being sober most of the time, and I am very picky about what drugs I take, where and when I take them, and who I take them with. If I take some kind of drugs every six months, it's a lot.

    But your girlfriend does not sound like a recreational drug user. She seriously said she was going to quit drinking every day because she was replacing it with cocaine? Seriously? That's so unbelievably toxic it's hard to picture. Not to mention the fact that alcohol is legal and coke is not, which normally doesn't really faze me...I think morality and legality are two totally different things, and I think most drugs should be legal, regulated, and taxed. However, that doesn't really help her if she gets busted by an undercover cop in the club, or gets pulled over while high and they find it on her. But I digress...

    Unfortunately, she does not sound like somebody who wants to be sober, and those are not fun people to be around. And moving from abusing alcohol daily to abusing cocaine daily is NOT a step in the right direction. You can't make her quit, and if she knows that she becomes verbally abusive towards you while high or drunk, and chooses to subject the two of you to that anyways, then that pretty much speaks for itself. And if she in denial (or just doesn't care) about how bad this behavior is for her and her job, relationships, and life in general, then unfortunately there's nothing to be said. Some people just have extremely addictive personalities and honestly can't just be recreational drug users or social drinkers.

    I'm sorry, but she has to be the one to make the decision to quit this behavior. From what you've said, she's made it pretty clear that she has no intention of stopping. So, either you stick around and deal with her bullshit and all the extensive drama that comes with dating an alcoholic/druggie, OR you move on with your life and don't waste anymore time on a toxic relationship.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Quote Originally Posted by oxxxes View Post
    Knowing her personality she won't be able to stop doing it, even if it's only at work, just like she was/is doing it with the alcohol. This is a fucked up world we live in. Why do people even bring that shit? I'm seriously thinking about giving up my life, I am so heartbroken and sad. I don't know. Thanks for "listening" to me and my problems, I really love this girl.
    Let's backtrack here just a second to clarify what you mean by giving up your life. I assume you're talking about giving up the life you have together and the plans you've made, not actually giving up your life. No one is worth taking your own life over. You sound like a great guy with a big heart who is genuinely in a lot of pain because someone you love is an alcoholic. That's a heavy load and you're justified to feel like you do. But the world would be a darker place without you, as there just aren't as many guys like you (guys who genuinely care) as there are guys who think only of themselves. You're a good guy who's dealing with one of the hardest relational dynamics there is. Please, if you're feeling suicidal, reach out for help. Locally, or here if you've got no one else. Many of us have been through similar situations.

    As for the alcohol (and drug) abuse, it's a nightmare and I know it intimately. I have two friends, cousins in fact, that are struggling with addiction. Both have been through rehab and counseling. Both have lost their families because of their addiction. Both have been to jail because of their addiction and both have sobered up numerous times only to fall off the wagon again. One of them has given up and doesn't care. I expect he'll be dead within the next two years. The other keeps trying to get and stay sober and it's a fight every day. With someone who's an addict, it's only going to go one of two ways. That person is going to continue to use to the exclusion of every other thing in their life, or that person is going to stop using, slip and fall, and get back up to try again. In your case, I hope for the latter. I hope your girlfriend will recognize that she has a problem and actively, continually, seek sobriety. If that's the route she goes, your being there to help her maintain and overcome is going to strengthen the bond you have more than you can imagine. But it will also take a toll on you, very likely for the rest of your life. She'll "fall off the wagon" many times and you'll have to be willing to deal with that and the consequences it brings. As long as she keeps getting back up and trying again, you and she may be ok. It takes a very special person to maintain a healthy relationship with an addict. But you've also got to weigh your own options and think about the future you want for yourself (and for your children if you have, or will have, any). If you want a future with this girl, right now is the time to take a stand about the substance abuse. Before you get married. Taking a stand doesn't always mean trying to lay down the law though. Sometimes it's as Mediocrity's husband did. You know your fiance, and you know what she responds to (and what she doesn't) better than anyone. If you have plans to get married, the drinking/drugging is something that you're going to have to come to terms over together. Or not. But, at least to me, it sounds like right now is the time to get it all out in the open... for better or for worse. In either case, YOU will be better for it.

    I'm sorry you're going through this. You're not the first, you'll not be the last, and you're certainly not alone in what you're dealing with.

    http://www.soberrecovery.com/ is another place where I think you might find the forums helpful.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    I would get my butt to an alanon meeting if were you. It can be really helpful to talk with people who know what you are going through.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Another guy posting about problems with his stripper SO. And per the usual script, he is a saint looking to save her from herself. This is becoming a trend.

    Quote Originally Posted by oxxxes View Post
    ...I have tried to talk to her about this in the past (but I always bring it up when she is drunk. Lately, I have been smart about it and wait until the next day when she is sober. Yet she still gets mad or completely ignores it) and it does not ends well. She is really mean when she is drunk, calling me names, telling me to fuck off, it's her life and she does what she wants...

    ...And I will help her if she needs it but she does not really recognize she has a problem, she will just laught it off, ignore it or get mad at me. All I do is try to make her understand that what she is doing is hurting me and ,in the long run, it will hurt her. I know there's not a damn thing I can do for her (as much as I wish it was different) and I can't help her unless she wants to be helped. I guess I just need some words of encouragement...
    You said it. There is not a damned thing you can do about it. In fact, she really doesn't give a shit what you think about it.

    Maybe she'll respect her next boyfriend more.

    Quote Originally Posted by oxxxes View Post
    Leaving her is not an option unless she wants to end our relationship.
    That's a big part of your problem. The threat of leaving is the nuclear option when all else fails and you just can't live with something. She either knows that the threat is not there or doesn't give a shit, but either way it does not bode well for you. I noticed that you referred to her as your fiancee in another thread - really? Right now she is no good to herself or anyone else. Are you really planning on marrying her? Perhaps having kids?

    But of course if she doesn't change and you don't leave, maybe it would be more fun to simply join her instead of worrying so much.

    Cocktails anyone? :
    Last edited by rickdugan; 04-22-2011 at 11:03 AM.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Quote Originally Posted by oxxxes View Post
    Hi
    . Yet she still gets mad or completely ignores it) and it does not ends well. She is really mean when she is drunk, calling me names, telling me to fuck off, it's her life and she does what she wants. Even though in the past she has promised me that she won't get drunk at work and if she does she won't get drunk to the point of falling down (She has fallen down twice in the past). Wrong. She has broken these promises. She has told me that she knows getting drunk at work is wrong yet she still does it. Drunkenly she has recognized she is an alcoholic (mind you, she is a very functional one) but what I am worried about is her health and how, maybe not now, she will grab a beer as soon as she wakes up. I pray not! It will kill me if she does. And I will help her if she needs it but she does not really recognize she has a problem, she will just laught it off, ignore it or get mad at me. All I do is try to make her understand that what she is doing is hurting me and ,in the long run, it will hurt her.

    I know there's not a damn thing I can do for her (as much as I wish it was different) and I can't help her unless she wants to be helped.


    I guess I just need some words of encouragement. This is the only place I can talk about it. My family has met her and they absolutely love her, they don't know what she does for a living or her "problems". Leaving her is not an option unless she wants to end our relationship. That's all for now.
    Thank you for reading and have a good night.

    Either get her into AA and rehab, or leave. You cant help her.

    It has nothing to do with her occupation. Alcoholism is an equal opportunity disease.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Quote Originally Posted by charlottepower View Post
    I would get my butt to an alanon meeting if were you. It can be really helpful to talk with people who know what you are going through.
    That too.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Best thing to do is get away now but you probably arent going to do that. So buy the book and read the first 168 pages. Then read them again.


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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    If this were a pink complaining about her abusive alcoholic BF, every lady on this thread would be screaming - LEAVE HIM... LEAVE HIM NOW!

    Look OXXXES, if she wants to get drunk every night, there is nothing you can do to change that. She has to want to change it, not you.

    You're planning to get married to this woman?... Start a family?... Bring children into this horror?

    Don't...

    Do you realize there are about 3 billion other women on this planet?... I am not trying to be mean, I'm just saying - you can do better.
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    ^ My advice to pinks complaining about similar situations has been the same. You can't ever change them...you can't MAKE them change...as long as you tolerate their behavior, you are rewarding it and encouraging it...so you can either choose to live with it, or you can leave. Pretty simple.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Quote Originally Posted by slowpoke View Post
    Best thing to do is get away now but you probably arent going to do that. So buy the book and read the first 168 pages. Then read them again.


    It's his girlfriend who needs to read the book - not him. All he needs to know is that she's probably an alcoholic and won't stop drinking until she realises that she has an illness and that it's her problem to deal with.

    I'm a recovering alcoholic - into my 10th year Clean and Sober this month. I drank like a fish for nearly 26 years and I was just like 'oxxxes' girlfriend. Over the years I broke my husband's heart many times over with my self-destructive behaviour. He hauled me out of car wrecks, hospital beds, hedges, fences and all kinds of arguments and fights with friends and relatives.....and he stuck by me all the way.

    I didn't get anywhere with not drinking - until I finally realised that I HAD THE PROBLEM....not everyone else.

    'Oxxxes' honey - if you really love this girl, the only things you can do are to try to help her see the problem, and be there for her when she falls down and needs picking up. It's a REALLY tough ask - but I think she may see the light, eventually. She sounds like she's a beautiful girl underneath the drinking - and you are for sure a lovely guy to be feeling the way you do about her, and for having the patience and understanding. Only you can decide if you want to stay and be there for her, or not.

    Meantime - if you need help, understanding and encouragement - go to Al-Anon. They are wonderful, and are there to help the relatives and partners of active alcoholics.

    You can also PM me if you want to ask any questions or let off steam.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Quote Originally Posted by pussyinboots View Post
    It's his girlfriend who needs to read the book - not him. All he needs to know is that she's probably an alcoholic and won't stop drinking until she realises that she has an illness and that it's her problem to deal with.

    I'm a recovering alcoholic - into my 10th year Clean and Sober this month. I drank like a fish for nearly 26 years and I was just like 'oxxxes' girlfriend. Over the years I broke my husband's heart many times over with my self-destructive behaviour. He hauled me out of car wrecks, hospital beds, hedges, fences and all kinds of arguments and fights with friends and relatives.....and he stuck by me all the way.

    I didn't get anywhere with not drinking - until I finally realised that I HAD THE PROBLEM....not everyone else.

    'Oxxxes' honey - if you really love this girl, the only things you can do are to try to help her see the problem, and be there for her when she falls down and needs picking up. It's a REALLY tough ask - but I think she may see the light, eventually. She sounds like she's a beautiful girl underneath the drinking - and you are for sure a lovely guy to be feeling the way you do about her, and for having the patience and understanding. Only you can decide if you want to stay and be there for her, or not.

    Meantime - if you need help, understanding and encouragement - go to Al-Anon. They are wonderful, and are there to help the relatives and partners of active alcoholics.

    You can also PM me if you want to ask any questions or let off steam.
    Yes, she needs to read the book, but she isn’t going to unless and until she wants to get sober. Until then, he should read it.

    Congratulations on your ten years.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Remember, alcoholism is an illness. Your girlfriend can't just be cured of it overnight, and she can't stop drinking cold turkey or she'll just relapse. Have a serious talk with her and explain how it hurts you and how it will eventually hurt her in the long run. Bring up the fact that drinking will eventually age her. Also, see if she will go to an AA meeting if you go with her. Alcoholism is often times a genetic trait, and it's likely one or both of her parents' were alcoholics, so the addictive personality may have been out of her control. Try to put yourself in her shoes, then help her take steps to recover.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    I don't really have anything new to add, but I wanted to throw my support behind some key ideas that were mentioned in this thread:

    - You can be a loving and supportive partner, but ultimately she's the only one to can make the choice to deal with her drinking problem. She will have to do this in her own time. You are not responsible or at fault if she's not ready to take that step yet.

    - Watching a loved one succumb to addiction can be heart-breaking, but you don't have to deal with this by yourself. Al-Anon is a great resource where you can talk to people who truly understand what you're going through, and they can help you find the best way to deal with your situation.

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I've been in a relationship with an addict, and I know how sad and helpless it can make you feel sometimes. Make sure you take care of yourself, though. It sounds like you are suffering from depression, and it's important you deal with these feelings first. If and when she's ready to get treatment, she'll be lucky to have you there supporting her through it - BUT, that can only happen if you make sure that you are healthy first.

    You might also want to have a serious talk with yourself at some point. I know you love her, but you may have to face the possibility that she won't want to deal with her drinking issue. It's important to set limits with yourself and her. Sometimes the hardest thing is also the best thing you can do for yourself (and maybe ever her - enabling helps no one):decide what your limits are as far as what you are willing and able to put up with, and stick to them. Make sure that you are in a position to help her up, and not the other way around. If her problems start dragging you down, nobody wins.

    My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you're able to find a support network nearby that can help you through this.
    "I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them"
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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Maybe this has been resolved? I was doing a search on drinking/working and this came up. I was a doppelgänger of your GF 2 years ago. Well, except I didn't work that much! Haha. But FWIW: the man I was with never gave me any ultimatums, I knew he would not leave even though things were bad. So I stopped on my own willpower and just ended up smoking a ton of pot instead. After a year of this I got fed up with my situation and just left him out of the blue. My drinking steadily increased over the course of another year and once again I have found myself just slogging away and using work as the excuse. But I made sure there was no one around me to be hurt this time. I wish I could go back and pick up where I was with that guy sometimes but part of me recoils at the thought because he stood passive for so long. There has been an alcoholic in every generation on my moms side. I won't let it be me!! Ok well it might already be me but I won't let it define me. Just going off of what I experienced in the last couple years, the only chance you guys have is if your personality can do a 180 and you get real bossy, and if she can get off her high horse and see that in losing you she is not the "catch" but you are. Think about what I mean by that. And if you can't see yourself as being able to do better than eventually she might think that she can. Or shell just want to be left alone to her own devices. Which clearly is not good. Love stinks when it's like this.

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    Default Re: GF Gets Drunk (A Lot)

    Wow at first I was thinking talk to her and try not to judge her. At times I definitely have drank too much and my husband really attacked me for it and that was the wrong thing to do because it just made me want to hide it from him. Eventually I realised what it was doing to my health and now I try not to drink too often or too much.

    But reading the thing about switching to cocaine... I think you should leave her. Drinking and cocaine go hand and hand. If she starts on the coke she will only drink twice as much. This is just bizzare to me... no one WANTS a cocaine habit. She will seriously destroy herself and you if she starts down that path.

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