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Thread: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal.

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    Default How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal.

    ONE: WARNING SIGNS- PREDATORY OR OTHERWISE: THE BIG TEN

    1.) He gives you the run around.
    Simply put, if a guy likes you, he will make it happen. He WILL call you, he WILL make an effort to see you. He WILL make you a priority. If you're doing all the work, he's already over you. Dating and relationships, even beginnings, are a two way street. He should be doing equal amounts of "work" (which should actually be fun!)

    2.) He never has any money, or is always saying he'll get you back.
    Self explanatory. Naturally, he shouldn't pay for EVERYTHING, but neither one of you should foot the entire bill the entire relationship. There should be a level of egalitarianism.

    3.) He is ABSOLUTELY too good to be true.
    I know this one having employed it myself. Now this is not to say that you should be suspicious of a GENIUNELY good guy who you have lots in common with. First thing I would do when I was attempting to manipulate someone is to see how quickly and seamlessly I could mold myself into their dream girl so I could better access what it was I wanted from the person in question. Keep your eyes peeled for it.

    4.) He makes references to something being wrong with him.
    This is HUGE. Kisca's thread inspired this. If a guy says this in jest, it's whatever. If he says it IN SERIOUSNESS- back away. He's telling the truth, it's probably messy, and you don't want anything to do with it.

    5.) Being over emotional.
    This is manipulation tactic 9/10ths of the time. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. He's appealing to the nurturing side of femininity or banking on the probability you won't want to hurt his feelings etc, thus allowing him to string you along further. REMEMBER: Any problems he came with are NOT YOUR PROBLEMS and YOU DIDN'T CAUSE THEM. Don't waste time on a charity case- chances are he isn't a charity case at all.

    6.) He neglects you, hurts your feelings continuously, but doesn't care.
    Being someone who lacks a conscience, I know all about this. Apologies come easily, seem sincere, but the behaviour never changes. IT NEVER WILL. I guarantee you this. Throw him back.

    7.) When he does fight with you, he fights dirty.
    People like this will find the one thing you are most self conscious about, and throw it right in your face, like with trudykins' post about her boyfriend making the comments about her body. He knew EXACTLY what would hurt her, and exactly how to deliver the insults. Nonchalant insults that you feel to be true are WAY more damaging. For example, yelling "Stupid fucking bitch!" has far LESS impact than "You really shouldn't wear that skirt. I'm not trying to be mean, but I don't want other people to make fun of your calves. They're pretty weird". Those comments will find their way into your brain and explode, making you insecure and easier to manipulate further.

    8.) Irresponsibility.
    Does he always forget to pay his share of the bills? Does he not help out around the house? Is he constantly late, or not where he says he was? That's because he doesn't care. If this is a SIGNIFICANT repeated pattern, again- manipulation technique. It makes you worry, which will make you less angry... which will make it less his fault. May or may not be coupled with continuous variations of "You just don't understand!"

    9.) Superficial Lying
    Catching someone lying to you about the dumbest shit EVER. Shit that doesn't even really seem to MATTER; could be anything. Say he tells you he loves blue and when you buy a blue shirt, he says he hates blue. When you say you thought he loved it, he will swear you were mistaken (see Gaslighting below). If someone lies to you about dumb irrelevant shit, and when you catch them they seem dismissive, congratulations- you're being groomed (see Grooming below).

    10.) He knows everything about you, but you know nothing about HIM.
    You readily volunteer information, but find months later, you don't know fucking anything about him. When you ask, he's dismissive like it doesn't matter at all. He's especially paranoid or secretive about his personal belongings. I am NOT suggesting you snoop (that's a terrible idea, and disturbing in and of itself), but if you seriously know NOTHING... I'd re-evaluate.

    TWO: TERMS TO KNOW: TACTICS AND BUZZWORDS

    Gaslighting: A technique in which someone will convincingly tell you something you know to be true is not. Example: "Babe, I loved the yellow apartment!" "What yellow apartment?" "You know, the one we just saw." "Oh sweetie, that wasn't yellow, it was green." "No, I swear it was yellow!" "Sweetie, I'm not trying to fight, you're just mistaken. It really was green."

    Grooming: Laying the groundwork for manipulation. Creating a sense of intimate sympathy, or supposed empathy. Example: "Did you see my watch?" "No, I didn't pick it up." "But it was right here... you're the only one who could have picked it up.." "Honey, didn't I get you the matching necklace for your birthday? Why would I want to take that watch back? It looks beautiful on you." Another variation is to give the impression he is taking care of you, like being short on cash and he offers to pay for it as a gift. DON'T LET PEOPLE DO THIS REPEATEDLY. It is meant to instill a sense of loyalty and entitlement in you and is extremely effective.

    Authoritarianism: He knows best, always. It doesn't have to come in vicious form, it could come in the form of a suggestion, or an understanding manner. A good example would be "Let's go for Chinese food tonight!" "Why don't we go for Italian?" "But we did Italian last time" "I know, but you know how much I love it. And it's intimate and romantic. You know we both love chicken parmigiana..." "OK! We'll do Italian!" Remember- it doesn't have to be caustic.

    Abuse and Love Cycles: You fight, he gets whacked out angry, says horrible abusive shit to you or maybe hits you, then afterward turns into a comforting sweet partner bestowing their love on you. Don't fall for it- it's a reward system. He screams at you, you tolerate it, you accept the abuse therefore giving him all the power, meaning he has dominated you and now may reward you for submitting to him. This can be dangerous- sincerely!

    That's all I'm going to put for now. I implore you if you have questions to ask them, personal or otherwise. If this goes over well, I will post more extensively on the topic. REMEMBER: It's not only men who employ these tactics! Although it is more unusual- females are equally capable.
    Last edited by mediocrity; 11-09-2012 at 04:32 PM.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Perfect.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Beautiful. I think what it boils down to is that you should never ever ever allow anyone else to make you feel bad about yourself.
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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Completely and absolutely true. They should make this into a sticky.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Very great advice and so true. Unfortunately, even the most experienced people often get fooled sometimes. I know in my last situation I fell for the whole "I'm not ready for a relationship" spiel. Normally, I end it there but for some unexplained reasons I didn't. I kept making excuses like "oh he'll get over his issues". Guess what? I wasted a year on him, a year I could have been using to find a man ready to get married.

    I think as women we overlook warning signs early on that we shouldn't. He gave me warning signs early I overlooked such as him saying he never wanted to marry, he thought oral sex was gross, and things in general he did to me, such as accusing me of trying to get pregnant so he would "have to get married" (though we never slept together). I knew the first time we saw each other again things weren't normal, but I ignored them saying I was over reacting.

    Also, when I go out with a guy the first time (not him) I pick up on comments to see what kind of guy he is. For instance in my past I dated two verbally abusive jerks. The one I ditched right away but the other one started it after I moved in. I knew though I had to move on once I started getting afraid, which I did. Because of this I listen to comments men make on the first date. If he's judgemental about weight for example I know he may be that way to me. I once had a first (and only) date with a guy who spent the evening telling me his dream girl was Calista Flockhart because of her body and kept calling Kate Winslett a "fat cow". Being that I have a bodytype more like Winslett's than Flockhart's, I knew he would judge me if I gained weight.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    This is great Med. You might just consider adding comments about the different types/category of guys.

    For example, women often confuse the "latin lover" or the "poet/artist" with the "player".

    The "latin lover" is passionate and falls in love easily. Unlike the player - who only pretends to have feelings - the "latin lover" does feel love and passion for a woman, but they may be short-lived or he can fall in love with someone else just as fast and as passionately as he fell in love with you. You see this in Hispanics and Italians. They can be very passionate, romantic and worship the ground you walk on, but they are also susceptible to falling in love with someone else down the road and leaving you or keeping a mistress. (My grandpa was like this - loved my grandma dearly and had a major falling out with his parents to be with her - they disapproved because she was from a very poor working class family. Yet, despite a movie-like passionate love story in their early marriage, he also developed passion for other women and had several long-term mistresses and bastard children while married to my grandma.)

    The "poet/artist" is similar to the "latin lover" - he's in love with the experience/thrill of being in love, but his object of affection may shift unpredictably. If he tells you he loves you he is not lying - you're his object of affection and inspiration today. But, tomorrow, someone new might step into that role. Like in art and poetry, there are no rules - just emotions and he follows them wherever they take him, without any commitment to anybody. He can be intense, but also cause a lot of drama.

    The "player" is just in it to score and nothing else. Social interactions are just a "game" to him. He feels nothing and is not emotionally invested, except for his ego - scoring is his thrill/validation - and then he moves on to a new "game", possible a more challenging one. He is fun and drama-free, until he scores and leaves.

    The only thing that can truly confirm that a guy has deep and long-lasting love for a woman - is time.
    Last edited by jack0177057; 04-27-2011 at 12:22 PM.
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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post

    4.) He makes references to something being wrong with him.
    This is HUGE. Kisca's thread inspired this. If a guy says this in jest, it's whatever. If he says it IN SERIOUSNESS- back away. He's telling the truth, it's probably messy, and you don't want anything to do with it.

    5.) Being over emotional.
    This is manipulation tactic 9/10ths of the time. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. He's appealing to the nurturing side of femininity or banking on the probability you won't want to hurt his feelings etc, thus allowing him to string you along further. REMEMBER: Any problems he came with are NOT YOUR PROBLEMS and YOU DIDN'T CAUSE THEM. Don't waste time on a charity case- chances are he isn't a charity case at all.

    6.) He neglects you, hurts your feelings continuously, but doesn't care.
    Being someone who lacks a conscience, I know all about this. Apologies come easily, seem sincere, but the behaviour never changes. IT NEVER WILL. I guarantee you this. Throw him back.


    8.) Irresponsibility.
    Does he always forget to pay his share of the bills? Does he not help out around the house? Is he constantly late, or not where he says he was? That's because he doesn't care. If this is a SIGNIFICANT repeated pattern, again- manipulation technique. It makes you worry, which will make you less angry... which will make it less his fault. May or may not be coupled with continuous variations of "You just don't understand!"

    Abuse and Love Cycles: You fight, he gets whacked out angry, says horrible abusive shit to you or maybe hits you, then afterward turns into a comforting sweet partner bestowing their love on you. Don't fall for it- it's a reward system. He screams at you, you tolerate it, you accept the abuse therefore giving him all the power, meaning he has dominated you and now may reward you for submitting to him. This can be dangerous- sincerely!


    Be safe and sound, ladies. The way I see it, strippers have to look out for each other.
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    I will probably quote this in a few posts, haha.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Wow, this is a trip. Thanks for sharing your knowledge on the subject -- it's such a shame when people fall for these techniques, and there are so many different threads on this forum about girls who are being manipulated. Ugh...

    The whole post reminds me of my friend's ex-boyfriend, who I swear was an undiagnosed sociopath.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    It's really sad that this isn't common sense for most women

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    It should be noted: I have an equal amount of disdain for women who follow "The Rules" and other 'how to manipulate a man' texts. ANYONE who plays games with other people's affections deserves a lonely death.

    Edit: With the obvious exception of escorts, adult entertainers and suchforth. If someone is paying you to manipulate their affections, it's not your fault if they get too caught up in the fantasy
    Last edited by johnjdick; 04-27-2011 at 02:48 PM.
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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Quote Originally Posted by Pure View Post
    It's really sad that this isn't common sense for most women
    I think its just experience.......everyone makes mistakes...smart girls learn from them.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Quote Originally Posted by johnjdick View Post
    It should be noted: I have an equal amount of disdain for women who follow "The Rules" and other 'how to manipulate a man' texts. ANYONE who plays games with other people's affections deserves a lonely death.

    Edit: With the obvious exception of escorts, adult entertainers and suchforth. If someone is paying you to manipulate their affections, it's not your fault if they get too caught up in the fantasy
    I hate those books. I am not one to play games and when people play games I move on. For instance, the whole idea that women should turn down a man when he asks so he can ask again is insane. My experience has been when I've tried this the guy moved on. The guys who asked again were those who I didn't want to date at all.

    People have often thought I am playing a game to manipulate a man into marriage by not rushing into sex. That's not it at all, I just don't want sex to cloud my judgement. I want to make sure I am on the same page as the guy and sometimes early sex avoids this issue. Since I am dating to eventually marry I don't want to waste my time with guys who don't want this.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    I'd say this warning sign isn't necessarily a red flag all on it's own:
    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    10.) He knows everything about you, but you know nothing about HIM.
    You readily volunteer information, but find months later, you don't know fucking anything about him. When you ask, he's dismissive like it doesn't matter at all. He's especially paranoid or secretive about his personal belongings. I am NOT suggesting you snoop (that's a terrible idea, and disturbing in and of itself), but if you seriously know NOTHING... I'd re-evaluate.
    I say that because this one is normally a problem with ME. I don't even realize I'm being dismissive and not letting people get to know me.
    My ex explained that talking to me typically went something like
    "So what'd you wind up doing last night?"
    "Oh, you know. I went somewhere with someone."
    "Oh. Where'd you go?"
    "Some place down town."
    "...who'd you go with?"
    "Oh just someone I've known for a while."

    LOLOL
    Poor thing apparently spent months trying to get to know me/my friends/what I liked to do while I provided him with NOTHING.
    I'm also weird about my shit. I don't even like people in my apartment, and I nearly have a heart attack if someone touches a personal belonging.
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    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Quote Originally Posted by johnjdick View Post
    It should be noted: I have an equal amount of disdain for women who follow "The Rules" and other 'how to manipulate a man' texts. ANYONE who plays games with other people's affections deserves a lonely death.

    Edit: With the obvious exception of escorts, adult entertainers and suchforth. If someone is paying you to manipulate their affections, it's not your fault if they get too caught up in the fantasy
    My belief is that anyone desperate and stupid enough to buy and read and use those books on how to manipulate men or women has a lot more important problems than just being single.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Quote Originally Posted by lemiwinks31 View Post
    I think its just experience.......everyone makes mistakes...smart girls learn from them.
    I agree. It's not always easy to see through that kind of behavior, even if you've been exposed to it before. Most of us expect people to be nice and trustworthy, not to downright take advantage of us.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    I got a cosmo once.. never read it, was too busy looking at the pictures..

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Quote Originally Posted by johnjdick View Post
    It should be noted: I have an equal amount of disdain for women who follow "The Rules" and other 'how to manipulate a man' texts. ANYONE who plays games with other people's affections deserves a lonely death.

    Edit: With the obvious exception of escorts, adult entertainers and suchforth. If someone is paying you to manipulate their affections, it's not your fault if they get too caught up in the fantasy
    I think "games" get too bad a rap... They could be used for evil (selfishly using a person for sex), but they could also be used for good (LTR or marriage) - call it "positive influence", "positive encouragement", etc.

    Example: girl meets a guy whose been single for a LONG time and is a consummate playboy, but he's got a lot of good potential in a LTR situation and he has very redeeming qualities (a common chick-flick theme). She will have to play some "games" to distinguish herself from all the other women he dates - which may include - presenting him with a challenge, being coy and mysterious, showing her high self-esteem and independence, etc.

    Example: guy is in love with a pretty and smart girl and wants to date her long-term, but all the guys she's dated share similar traits of being egotistical, shallow, non-commital and non-emotional. If he shows too much interest/emotions and insecurity from the getgo, he's going to scare her off, because it will be too unfamiliar to her and may turn her off (even though it may represent what she's always said she wanted). He has to first present himself in a way that is familiar to her and then gradually help her appreciate a better type of man than what she is used to.
    Last edited by jack0177057; 04-28-2011 at 08:38 AM.
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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post

    Example: girl meets a guy whose been single for a LONG time and is a consummate playboy, but he's got a lot of good potential in a LTR situation and he has very redeeming qualities (a common chick-flick theme). She will have to play some "games" to distinguish herself from all the other women he dates - which may include - presenting him with a challenge, being coy and mysterious, showing her high self-esteem and independence, etc.
    The fact that it's a common chick flick theme should tell you how unrealistic it is. The only game a girl looking for a relationship should be playing with a consummate playboy is the "run away as fast as you can in the other direction" game.


    Example: guy is in love with a pretty and smart girl and wants to date her long-term, but all the guys she's dated share similar traits of being egotistical, shallow, non-commital and non-emotional. If he shows too much interest/emotions and insecurity from the getgo, he's going to scare her off, because it will be too unfamiliar to her and may turn her off (even though it may represent what she's always said she wanted). He has to first present himself in a way that is familiar to her and then gradually help her appreciate a better type of man than what she is used to.
    I really don't even know what to say to this. You might be watching too many movies my friend.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Yeah, jack... no thank you. I don't want someone else deciding they know what's best for me and then trying to use games to manipulate me into their ideal. Fuck. That. Noise.
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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    I wouldn't want any of those characteristics in a friend much less a lover....no time for games.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    So Jack, your theory is that one should play games with someone else in order to try to sway that person into liking something that he/she doesn't already really want? Interesting...

    Trying to change another grown adult is a fool's game. People change all the time, but only when self-motivated. You can't trick them into wanting something that they don't. The most likely result from these games is heartache on the part of the game players and bitterness/anger from those initially deceived.

    If one is looking for a relationship, one is best off by trying to find people of like mind.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Anyone who is good at sales or is skilled at presentations knows that a presentation can easily bomb if you are not tuned into and calibrated to your target audience, and vice-versa, a presentation will be hugely succesfull if you are tuned into and calibrated with your target audience. Talking about my career and my assets might impress one girl and totally turn off another. Being overtly sexual in a silly/comical way might seem "playful" to one girl and "vulgar" to another. Getting mushy-romantic after just one date might seem "sweet" to one girl and might seem "clingy" to another. Calling twice a day might seem "cute" to one girl and "clingy" or "possessive" to another..... etc., etc., etc.

    If a girl I liked was romantic, I've given her that. If a girl I liked was cerebral/intellectual/witty, I've given her that. If a girl I like was naughty/kinky, I've given her that. I haven't deceived any of them, because I am all those things - I just emphasize the common attributes. Everyone has fantasies. I find out what her fantasies are and I play that role, according to my abilities. (My life has forced me to play many different roles, so I am comfortable doing that.) Of course, this assumes that I am really interested in her. If I don't have a genuine interest, then this is waste of our time and evil.

    If you only look for "like minded" people, you will be missing out on a lot. My most rewarding relationships have been with women that were "different" minded.
    Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    I think "games" get too bad a rap... They could be used for evil (selfishly using a person for sex), but they could also be used for good (LTR or marriage) - call it "positive influence", "positive encouragement", etc.

    Example: girl meets a guy whose been single for a LONG time and is a consummate playboy, but he's got a lot of good potential in a LTR situation and he has very redeeming qualities (a common chick-flick theme). She will have to play some "games" to distinguish herself from all the other women he dates - which may include - presenting him with a challenge, being coy and mysterious, showing her high self-esteem and independence, etc.

    Example: guy is in love with a pretty and smart girl and wants to date her long-term, but all the guys she's dated share similar traits of being egotistical, shallow, non-commital and non-emotional. If he shows too much interest/emotions and insecurity from the getgo, he's going to scare her off, because it will be too unfamiliar to her and may turn her off (even though it may represent what she's always said she wanted). He has to first present himself in a way that is familiar to her and then gradually help her appreciate a better type of man than what she is used to.
    None of this has ever happened to me.

    My husband was a bit of a "play boy" before we got married (ok, a LOT) but when we met, we just clicked and neither one of us felt like we were sacrificing anything. It has nothing to do with games- it has to do with not only finding the right person, but being READY.

    And what's up with this "scaring" of people I hear about so much? I've never encountered this either.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    If someone is going to be scared off by you being yourself then you shouldn't be in a relationship with them, period. This whole pretending to be someone you are not so they can get to know the real you bullshit is for shitty teen comedies, not real adult relationships.

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    Default Re: How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal

    When I hear about "scaring" people I assume it means the people who get too serious too soon. I get scared when I meet a guy and right away (I'm talking a first date) he's talking of "our future". Yes, I've had that happened. I've even had guys tell me on first dates they want to get married to me. Creepy and scary. However, I do not like when guys play stupid games to get me interested. I'm either interested or not and playing games bores me.

    Here's another tip that I've noticed while dating that many people don't think of: look at his relationship with his mother. The last guy I dated was a mama's boy and he went everywhere with her. He lived with her, went on vacation with her, told her EVERYTHING about me (probably told her I was a dancer). Because of this he resented her and he thought all women nag because of her.

    Also, if you are looking for a husband as I am, look at the background of his mother. While there are exceptions, I've noticed men who had stay at home moms tend to want that, and men with career women want that. There are exceptions, especially if he resents his mom for her choice, but for the most part I've noticed this. Also look at his family as well. If they are traditional people who feel gender roles are correct, and you are a modern woman this won't work. People have often told me to go through a holiday before marriage to see what kind of gifts you receive. I always said this sounded stupid, but friends of mine did, and received presents like towels and dishes while the husband got CDs, and they found out his family expected her to be a housewife, or at least take care of the house. Of course this isn't always possible, because many families won't buy presents for the girlfriend, just the wife. Another variation is going to his familiy's house for a holiday and seeing who does the work. I've actually had friends who went to his parents house for Thanksgiving and the mother expected her to help clean up while her boyfriend watched football.

    The last guy I went out with was no chauvinist, but was still screwed up because of his mother. I wish I had looked at that better.

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