ONE: WARNING SIGNS- PREDATORY OR OTHERWISE: THE BIG TEN
1.) He gives you the run around.
Simply put, if a guy likes you, he will make it happen. He WILL call you, he WILL make an effort to see you. He WILL make you a priority. If you're doing all the work, he's already over you. Dating and relationships, even beginnings, are a two way street. He should be doing equal amounts of "work" (which should actually be fun!)
2.) He never has any money, or is always saying he'll get you back.
Self explanatory. Naturally, he shouldn't pay for EVERYTHING, but neither one of you should foot the entire bill the entire relationship. There should be a level of egalitarianism.
3.) He is ABSOLUTELY too good to be true.
I know this one having employed it myself. Now this is not to say that you should be suspicious of a GENIUNELY good guy who you have lots in common with. First thing I would do when I was attempting to manipulate someone is to see how quickly and seamlessly I could mold myself into their dream girl so I could better access what it was I wanted from the person in question. Keep your eyes peeled for it.
4.) He makes references to something being wrong with him.
This is HUGE. Kisca's thread inspired this. If a guy says this in jest, it's whatever. If he says it IN SERIOUSNESS- back away. He's telling the truth, it's probably messy, and you don't want anything to do with it.
5.) Being over emotional.
This is manipulation tactic 9/10ths of the time. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. He's appealing to the nurturing side of femininity or banking on the probability you won't want to hurt his feelings etc, thus allowing him to string you along further. REMEMBER: Any problems he came with are NOT YOUR PROBLEMS and YOU DIDN'T CAUSE THEM. Don't waste time on a charity case- chances are he isn't a charity case at all.
6.) He neglects you, hurts your feelings continuously, but doesn't care.
Being someone who lacks a conscience, I know all about this. Apologies come easily, seem sincere, but the behaviour never changes. IT NEVER WILL. I guarantee you this. Throw him back.
7.) When he does fight with you, he fights dirty.
People like this will find the one thing you are most self conscious about, and throw it right in your face, like with trudykins' post about her boyfriend making the comments about her body. He knew EXACTLY what would hurt her, and exactly how to deliver the insults. Nonchalant insults that you feel to be true are WAY more damaging. For example, yelling "Stupid fucking bitch!" has far LESS impact than "You really shouldn't wear that skirt. I'm not trying to be mean, but I don't want other people to make fun of your calves. They're pretty weird". Those comments will find their way into your brain and explode, making you insecure and easier to manipulate further.
8.) Irresponsibility.
Does he always forget to pay his share of the bills? Does he not help out around the house? Is he constantly late, or not where he says he was? That's because he doesn't care. If this is a SIGNIFICANT repeated pattern, again- manipulation technique. It makes you worry, which will make you less angry... which will make it less his fault. May or may not be coupled with continuous variations of "You just don't understand!"
9.) Superficial Lying
Catching someone lying to you about the dumbest shit EVER. Shit that doesn't even really seem to MATTER; could be anything. Say he tells you he loves blue and when you buy a blue shirt, he says he hates blue. When you say you thought he loved it, he will swear you were mistaken (see Gaslighting below). If someone lies to you about dumb irrelevant shit, and when you catch them they seem dismissive, congratulations- you're being groomed (see Grooming below).
10.) He knows everything about you, but you know nothing about HIM.
You readily volunteer information, but find months later, you don't know fucking anything about him. When you ask, he's dismissive like it doesn't matter at all. He's especially paranoid or secretive about his personal belongings. I am NOT suggesting you snoop (that's a terrible idea, and disturbing in and of itself), but if you seriously know NOTHING... I'd re-evaluate.
TWO: TERMS TO KNOW: TACTICS AND BUZZWORDS
Gaslighting: A technique in which someone will convincingly tell you something you know to be true is not. Example: "Babe, I loved the yellow apartment!" "What yellow apartment?" "You know, the one we just saw." "Oh sweetie, that wasn't yellow, it was green." "No, I swear it was yellow!" "Sweetie, I'm not trying to fight, you're just mistaken. It really was green."
Grooming: Laying the groundwork for manipulation. Creating a sense of intimate sympathy, or supposed empathy. Example: "Did you see my watch?" "No, I didn't pick it up." "But it was right here... you're the only one who could have picked it up.." "Honey, didn't I get you the matching necklace for your birthday? Why would I want to take that watch back? It looks beautiful on you." Another variation is to give the impression he is taking care of you, like being short on cash and he offers to pay for it as a gift. DON'T LET PEOPLE DO THIS REPEATEDLY. It is meant to instill a sense of loyalty and entitlement in you and is extremely effective.
Authoritarianism: He knows best, always. It doesn't have to come in vicious form, it could come in the form of a suggestion, or an understanding manner. A good example would be "Let's go for Chinese food tonight!" "Why don't we go for Italian?" "But we did Italian last time" "I know, but you know how much I love it. And it's intimate and romantic. You know we both love chicken parmigiana..." "OK! We'll do Italian!" Remember- it doesn't have to be caustic.
Abuse and Love Cycles: You fight, he gets whacked out angry, says horrible abusive shit to you or maybe hits you, then afterward turns into a comforting sweet partner bestowing their love on you. Don't fall for it- it's a reward system. He screams at you, you tolerate it, you accept the abuse therefore giving him all the power, meaning he has dominated you and now may reward you for submitting to him. This can be dangerous- sincerely!
That's all I'm going to put for now. I implore you if you have questions to ask them, personal or otherwise. If this goes over well, I will post more extensively on the topic. REMEMBER: It's not only men who employ these tactics! Although it is more unusual- females are equally capable.



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