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Thread: PLEASE help. relationship question.

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    Default PLEASE help. relationship question.

    So I have been dancing for 4 years, and I met my SO at work (I know, I know, I KNOW mistake #1). We were always friendly then starting dating a year ago. We connected over the months more than I have ever felt. He is the one for me, he feels the same.

    Only recently however he has for lack of a better word been a complete dick. He stopped working any shifts that I work which I completely understand but he has made numerous hurtful remarks about what I do for a living. He snapped this morning and said he cannot "handle" it anymore. I wish I could quit today but I am in not in a financial position to do so.

    I am so lost.

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    Default Re: PLEASE help. relationship question.

    My first inclination is to say if he met you while you were dancing, he knew what he was getting into and should have assessed his possible feelings then. He can't punish you for a decision you made before you knew him.

    That being said, sounds like he is getting to the point where he doesn't want to "share". You guys should sit down and have a calm, serious talk about it and see if you can come up with a mature solution.

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    Default Re: PLEASE help. relationship question.

    ...is he paying your bills? do you have a problem with what you do for a living? if he weren't in the picture, would you still want to stop?

    imho, there is nothing wrong with what you do for a living, and any guy that tries to make you feel less because of it is not worth your time...regardless of how long you've been with him. and unless he's planning to foot the bill for everything (and in some cases even if he were), he has no right to say anything about how you pay your bills.

    i totally understand that things have been good up until now and that you are really into him but...for me, i would not want to be with someone who made hurtful comments to me about what i do. it's a deal breaker.

    i agree that talking things out is a good starting point. i find it a huge red flag that he's making these cutting comments though and not actually bringing his concerns to you if it's just that he's uncomfortable with the situation.

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    Featured Member Amy Lee's Avatar
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    Default Re: PLEASE help. relationship question.

    Quote Originally Posted by jade07 View Post
    So I have been dancing for 4 years, and I met my SO at work (I know, I know, I KNOW mistake #1). We were always friendly then starting dating a year ago. We connected over the months more than I have ever felt. He is the one for me, he feels the same.

    Only recently however he has for lack of a better word been a complete dick. He stopped working any shifts that I work which I completely understand but he has made numerous hurtful remarks about what I do for a living. He snapped this morning and said he cannot "handle" it anymore. I wish I could quit today but I am in not in a financial position to do so.

    I am so lost.

    Sorry your going through this, but it sounds to me exactly what he said: that he can't handle it anymore. It may be finally getting to him that you dance.

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    Default Re: PLEASE help. relationship question.

    Taking what you wrote at face value, it sounds like he's feeling things are more serious now too. Like maybe settle down/plant roots serious and is struggling to come to terms with separating "dancer jade" from "partner jade" now that he is. He's likely struggling with jealousy too because he's not quite getting there.

    The cutting remarks are crap and not good for any relationship, but it doesn't sound like he's a hurtful guy or you wouldn't feel like you do. Sounds more like he's lashing out because he's jealous. It's not right, but it's how some people react. Fortunately, many people mature out of it. If he's the one, hopefully you two can handle and grow through this together. Can you guys talk without fighting or yelling?

    Breeze

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    Default Re: PLEASE help. relationship question.

    dump him

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    Default Re: PLEASE help. relationship question.

    It sounds like you love each other & you can make it through this. If you both want out then write down a goal to get out & start working on it. If he feels so strong about it then he should work as well as you on getting you out of that environment. It is odd that he turned a dick all of a sudden, he must have seen something.

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    Default Re: PLEASE help. relationship question.

    Quote Originally Posted by JoJoX View Post
    dump him
    Idk, he's being a complete dick, making numerous hurtful remarks about your job, won't work the same shifts, and all of a sudden snaps as an excuse he can't take it anymore?

    I know you don't want to hear this but it sounds like he is interested in someone else, probably at the club.

    At this point why would you still want to continue a relationship with him?

    Why would the thought of giving up your job cross your mind??

    You described him as being mean and hurtful to you so what are you lost about?


    I am with JoJoX, dump him! He sounds like he's bringing you down.

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    Default Re: PLEASE help. relationship question.

    Try talking to him and find out exactly why he is suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of you dancing. This has happened to a lot of girls I know, maybe his friends give him shit about it or he sees/hears about other girls doing extras and gets worried. There are totally valid reasons why it might've recently become an issue for him, try and find out what they are and talk through them, hopefully he'll see how unreasonable he's being.

    If on the other hand he's just saying it to hurt you and be a jerk then I would say sorry but it sounds like he's just looking for reasons to start a fight to feel justified in ending it or try to get you to end it (I only say this because I have done it several times myself). I really hope it's not the case for your sake but if he can't talk maturely about his problems then I wouldn't be surprised.

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    Default Re: PLEASE help. relationship question.

    Quote Originally Posted by tinydancer23 View Post
    ...is he paying your bills? do you have a problem with what you do for a living? if he weren't in the picture, would you still want to stop?

    imho, there is nothing wrong with what you do for a living, and any guy that tries to make you feel less because of it is not worth your time...regardless of how long you've been with him. and unless he's planning to foot the bill for everything (and in some cases even if he were), he has no right to say anything about how you pay your bills.

    i totally understand that things have been good up until now and that you are really into him but...for me, i would not want to be with someone who made hurtful comments to me about what i do. it's a deal breaker.

    i agree that talking things out is a good starting point. i find it a huge red flag that he's making these cutting comments though and not actually bringing his concerns to you if it's just that he's uncomfortable with the situation.
    Completely agree. He met you through you being a dancer, so he completely knew what he was getting himself into when you started dating. It's ridiculous of him to act like it's a problem now. Unless he wants to pay all your bills and provide you with the lifestyle that dancing allows you, he can STFU. As his feelings for you grow, he's probably feeling more jealousy from watching you flirt and grind on other guys, but this is a poor way to handle it, and, again, he knew what he was getting into.

    I wish I could say dump his ass, but I know realistically, you can't just up and dump someone you thought was "the one." But if talking isn't helping, I would really reconsider losing your bf rather than your job. I always want girls to think about it in terms of any other job: if you were in any other line of work, would you think it acceptable for your bf to make degrading comments and demand that you quit? Stripping should be no different.

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    Default Re: PLEASE help. relationship question.

    I have dealt with this myself. I fight back and I am constantly defending myself. I hate that within the first year of being with someone the dancing doesnt seem to be an issue but once the relationship goes on longer than the asshole side comes out. Guys are so stupid sometimes. Y get involved w a dancer if u know u cant handle it or accept it without making hurtful comments?

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    Default Re: PLEASE help. relationship question.

    O..thats right the hot factor(of dating an attractive dancer) has worn off and reality finally sets in..

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    Default Re: PLEASE help. relationship question.

    1. he just can't handle it. i don't think i could handle a woman or man doing what i do

    2. "hes just not that into you"... anymore

    sweetie, ive been there, done that. this is a slippery slope. if you try to appease him, you will most likely have less $$ (unless u can find a job that pays the same as dancing), indirectly be giving him power, and then resentment will start to set in with you. its not fun!

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    Default Re: PLEASE help. relationship question.

    I've said this so many times, but it comes from personal experiences, & something I WISH someone would have told me when I was younger:

    "Your career will never leave you, physically hurt you, emotionally hurt you or cheat on you... only people will."


    In other words, you need to do what makes YOU happy. Even if he were paying the bills, if dancing makes you happy then you need to keep doing it! Marilyn Monroe used to say that on cold nights you can't cuddle up with your career, & that is true, however I'd rather have what I KNOW makes ME HAPPY in my life than someone who has already proven to me that they will do me wrong. That includes saying things to upset you. When a man comes along into your life that makes you feel that the people around you are not anywhere near as wonderful as he is, & when giving dances to others you get to where you can't stop yourself from wishing you were dancing for him & making you appreciate him even more... then it may be time to re-consider. People that wonderful are very rare though... & even then there's still a chance that something could happen to them (tragic or not) or that they will turn out to be less than what you thought. In that case, because of that, I still say its better to continue DOING what makes you happy, particularly if your future finances could one day depend on it.
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    Default Re: PLEASE help. relationship question.

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    My first inclination is to say if he met you while you were dancing, he knew what he was getting into and should have assessed his possible feelings then. He can't punish you for a decision you made before you knew him.

    That being said, sounds like he is getting to the point where he doesn't want to "share". You guys should sit down and have a calm, serious talk about it and see if you can come up with a mature solution.
    yeah. it takes a 'strong' guy to date someone in a sex biz. and yeah, he can't call her out for something he was aware of upon first meet. that is kinda dickish.

    girls may laugh at this, but for a guy I would imagine it takes tons of maturity, trust, self-confidence, material well-being. something I would imagine not many guys have until they are possibly 32 or older.
    I wish I knew what I was doing...

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