Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 51

Thread: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

  1. #1
    Newbie
    Joined
    May 2011
    Posts
    11
    Thanks
    31
    Thanked 2 Times in 1 Post

    Default Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Hi all,

    Hope this is in the right section, and I'm not asking something that has been asked millions of times before and you're all sick to death of answering it.

    I'll try and keep this short, as I have a habit of writing awfully long winded posts when I get going

    Basically, I've known my current girlfriend for almost 3 years. We met at university while studying abroad, and unfortunately living in separate countries meant we never had a proper bf/gf relationship after that, although did stay very close friends visiting each other regularly.

    Anyway, long story short, we've both fell in love with each other and have decided to commit to each other. I'm moving out to the US and both of us have never been happier to finally be together.

    She started stripping about a year ago to pay for college fees. It was something I supported and was amazed at the money that could be made from it. (If only I had the discipline to get ripped up and become a male stripper ). I never suffered from jealousy, obviously, because I wasn't exclusive with her.

    However, since we've been dating exclusively, I've began to feel jealousy when I think about her grinding on other men, and feel very uncomfortable when we talk about her night of work. I try not to, and try and rationalise it, but then worry that I am deluding myself. I find myself asking questions like "How is it not a form of cheating, just because she is paid for it? If I were to kiss girls who offered to take me out to dinner would that be fine too? Obviously not, so why not?"

    Thats one aspect of it. The other, which actually affects me more is the social stigma that goes with it. I can tell people judge me when I say my gf is a stripper. They assume I'm a gullible fool, and that of course she does 'extras', thats what strippers do. They think I am an idiot to leave my very good job here to move out to the US, and that I am obviously just infatuated with her and its not real love (believe me that is DEFINITELY not the case!)

    Finally, the thing that allows me to not be totally bothered by the stripping is that its a means to an end - i.e it pays for her tuition fees, something I couldn't do for her. However, she has failed this semester, and is considering not going back to uni. I don't know if that is something I can abide. I really don't want to offend anyone here, and I am definitely not someone who would disrespect strippers. I don't go to strip clubs, I have no moral qualms with them, each to their own, I just don't have a need to pay for affection, or sexual gratification.

    I probably know the answers I am going to get, as me and my girlfriend have discussed how it makes me feel, and the problems it causes me. I don't want it to bother me, and when I think rationally it doesn't, its when emotions cloud my judgement that it annoys me. I would love to hear either from dancers, and how their partners cope with it. Some of your own experiences, positive or negative. Or if there are guys dating strippers here, how they deal with it?

    ....so much for keeping its short

    TL; DR
    Dating a stripper, suffering from jealousy and social stigma, looking for advice on how to mitigate these feelings.

    Thanks in advance for any responses
    Last edited by Cú Chulainn; 05-17-2011 at 09:52 AM.

  2. #2
    Featured Member sierra.'s Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2010
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    904
    Thanks
    1,484
    Thanked 1,166 Times in 427 Posts

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Before I can offer my advice, I have to ask...

    Quote Originally Posted by Cú Chulainn View Post
    I find myself asking questions like "How is it not a form of cheating, just because she is paid for it? If I were to kiss girls who offered to take me out to dinner would that be fine too? Obviously not, so why not?"
    Is she kissing guys and that bothers you? Or is it the grinding that bothers you and you are comparing it to kissing?

    hot flirting tips 2k13: tell him, “I’m not like other girls,” then pull down the secret zipper at the back of your neck to reveal your true reptilian form


  3. #3
    God/dess 4everresolutions's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Great White North
    Posts
    3,605
    Thanks
    2,475
    Thanked 2,620 Times in 1,383 Posts
    My Mood
    Chatty

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    I'm asking my boyfriend of 5 years, who's sitting next to me right now, how he deals with dating a stripper (Me. Obviously).

    "Ummm.....I guess I just trust you. And I'm going to support you. That's it, really".

    So, there's his well rounded answer.

    I'll come back and type more...



  4. The Following User Says Thank You to 4everresolutions For This Useful Post:


  5. #4
    Banned
    Joined
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    94
    Thanks
    39
    Thanked 49 Times in 27 Posts

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    You only need to do one thing, grow up.

  6. #5
    Newbie
    Joined
    May 2011
    Posts
    11
    Thanks
    31
    Thanked 2 Times in 1 Post

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Quote Originally Posted by sierra. View Post
    Before I can offer my advice, I have to ask...



    Is she kissing guys and that bothers you? Or is it the grinding that bothers you and you are comparing it to kissing?
    Hi Sierra.

    Its the latter. There is no kissing in the club she works.

    Quote Originally Posted by 4everresolutions View Post
    I'm asking my boyfriend of 5 years, who's sitting next to me right now, how he deals with dating a stripper (Me. Obviously).

    "Ummm.....I guess I just trust you. And I'm going to support you. That's it, really".

    So, there's his well rounded answer.

    I'll come back and type more...

    Thanks 4ever. Its not actually an issue of trust. I do trust her fully. I know she wouldn't cheat. Its the presumption on my friends and families part that a stripper would cheat, and being motivated to superficially cheat for money, means that a line has been crossed that means if offered enough, would do extras. But like I said, I know she wouldn't, but the judging of others and the stigma associated with it is what gets to me.

    Like I alluded to I know the answer to my questions already. I know I just need to say 'I really don't care what anyone else thinks... all that matters is what I think.' I just would like some advice on how to adopt that attitude.

    If you ask your boyfriend does he not get feelings of jealousy when he thinks of you dancing for other men? If its simply a case that he never gets jealous, then thats great for him. If he does occasionally feel jealous/uncomfortable, what does he do to rationalise these emotions and not let them affect him?

    Quote Originally Posted by Needshelp123
    You only need to do one thing, grow up.
    Perhaps. Maybe I came off as being completely naive or something in my first post, or maybe I seemed like I was overcome completely with excessive jealousy, but I don't think either is the case. Its really only a small problem for me. It only affects me occassionally, and I would just rather not ever feel like that. Just interested in hearing from other people's experiences.

  7. #6
    Banned
    Joined
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    11,037
    Thanks
    1,891
    Thanked 5,124 Times in 3,086 Posts

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Honestly the one thing you need to stop doing is telling everyone she is a stripper. I once dated a man who told all his friends that and I dumped him for that. Yes you will have jealous feelings but as long as she's not doing anything extra you have nothing to worry about. It's just a job.

  8. #7
    God/dess 4everresolutions's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Great White North
    Posts
    3,605
    Thanks
    2,475
    Thanked 2,620 Times in 1,383 Posts
    My Mood
    Chatty

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Quote Originally Posted by Cú Chulainn View Post
    Thanks 4ever. Its not actually an issue of trust. I do trust her fully. I know she wouldn't cheat. Its the presumption on my friends and families part that a stripper would cheat, and being motivated to superficially cheat for money, means that a line has been crossed that means if offered enough, would do extras. But like I said, I know she wouldn't, but the judging of others and the stigma associated with it is what gets to me.

    Like I alluded to I know the answer to my questions already. I know I just need to say 'I really don't care what anyone else thinks... all that matters is what I think.' I just would like some advice on how to adopt that attitude.

    If you ask your boyfriend does he not get feelings of jealousy when he thinks of you dancing for other men? If its simply a case that he never gets jealous, then thats great for him. If he does occasionally feel jealous/uncomfortable, what does he do to rationalise these emotions and not let them affect him?
    Firstly I want to say if you experience a lot of negativity or sarcasm it's because we get a lot of post in here about men 'dating' strippers. I think you'll be alright because you come off as genuine, artiuclate and it seems you truely care about your GF; but understand any future negativity here's a couple recent threads to consider:
    Married to a Stripper
    My Girlfriend Started Dancing - Or anything by the user Bizmor

    Okay, on to your actual issues. I think Kellydancer is right - it's important that you stop telling people openly that she's a dancer. Unless your GF planning on being an advocate for sex work (trying to change social stigmas associated with it) then it's really not something you want to spread around. Why? For the reasons you mentioned. The sterotypes associated are too difficult to shake; she was molested by her daddy, she's a drug user, she has 5 kids, she's a slut, she does extras etc. You know they're not true, your GF knows they're not true, and that's all that matters.

    It sounds like your family already know. Do you take issue with lying to your family? I lie to mine, and my BF's family. Outside of some friends from work, he's the only one who knows I dance. If you can lie and your GF takes no issue with it then tell your family that the dancing was too much for her, and she's now cocktail waitressing. From now on, that's what you'll tell everyone. They might still hold some preconceived notions about the character of your GF, but it will lessen as time goes by.

    Its difficult, but as many girls on this website have said before, we're not ashamed of what we do, but we still can't be open and honest about it an expect to lead uncomplicated, 'traditional' lives. You and your GF have to talk about your feelings, and decide which is the greater evil; lying about what she does to avoid feelings of being stigmatized, or telling the truth and being open to the prejudices that come with dating a dancer. Hiding what she does might be hard on her, not hiding it will be hard on you. Big decisions which should be discussed at length and not glossed over.

    It's hard to adpot the attitude of "I don't care what others think.". I've always wanted that "water off the back" nonchalance-ness, but it's just no me. Many people can rationalize their emotions, I'm not one of them. You might not be one either. Her dancing might always make you a twinge uncomfortable, but at least your acknowledging how you feel and that is rooted in you.

    How much have you two talked about this? Being completely open and up-front about your feelings and EXPECTATIONS of your feelings is crucial.

    I asked by BF again "Have you ever felt jealous, and how did you deal with it". He just looked at me, blinked and said really matter-of-fact "I don't get jealous."....then we broke out laughing. Jealousy when it comes to my job really is a non-issue with us. If it was the other way around and he was a male dancer, I would have have severe jealousy issues though, and that stems from my own insecurities. Are you in any way unsure of your relationship with her?

    BF has also added "You're selling fantasies while I get the real thing." It's important you remember that. Your GF loves you and comes home to you.

    How much and extensively have you two discuessed her dancing?

    Also, the nerd in me wants desperately to ask rude and personal questions re: immigration (how do you plan to immigrate to the US?).



  9. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to 4everresolutions For This Useful Post:


  10. #8
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Guam
    Posts
    370
    Thanks
    145
    Thanked 155 Times in 109 Posts

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    As your girlfriend, she deserves your complete trust.

    Also, you shouldn't use this job as a platform for your pre-existing insecurities. It will bother you alot less if you were to realize that it isn't the job that is causing you agony, it is something internal and completely unrelated.
    Last edited by ZePeanut; 05-17-2011 at 03:01 PM. Reason: =) I made no sense before.

  11. #9
    God/dess
    Joined
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    3,142
    Thanks
    1,158
    Thanked 1,112 Times in 673 Posts

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    Honestly the one thing you need to stop doing is telling everyone she is a stripper. I once dated a man who told all his friends that and I dumped him for that. Yes you will have jealous feelings but as long as she's not doing anything extra you have nothing to worry about. It's just a job.
    I agree, why can't you just tell everyone she is a college student? How does she feel about you telling everyone she is a stripper - some dancers are very private about their work.

    If the stigma is the biggest thing that troubles you, just quit telling everyone that she is a stripper.
    Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
    - Oscar Wilde

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to jack0177057 For This Useful Post:


  13. #10
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    Oct 2006
    Location
    lap dance land
    Posts
    711
    Thanks
    313
    Thanked 292 Times in 132 Posts

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer


    However, since we've been dating exclusively, I've began to feel jealousy when I think about her grinding on other men, and feel very uncomfortable when we talk about her night of work.


    It might help to NOT talk about it with her after work. My hubby likes to know if I had a good happy day at work or whether it was lousy, I was in a bad mood, etc. but he certainly doesn't like to hear the nitty gritty details. Perhaps you should express to her that you might not want to hear all of the details of her day at work (he touched her or tried to touch her, whether she grinds on guys or not during lap dances, the customers she talks to, etc.) but would rather hear generally how her day went.


    I try not to, and try and rationalise it, but then worry that I am deluding myself. I find myself asking questions like "How is it not a form of cheating, just because she is paid for it? If I were to kiss girls who offered to take me out to dinner would that be fine too? Obviously not, so why not?"

    Is she kissing her customers? if she is and you are uncomfortable with tell her so.

    i believe she is NOT cheating if she is at work doing her job. Stripping is a job, you go in, do a few lapdances, pay your house fee (just like hair dressers have to pay a chair fee), and then go home. this activity (lap dances, talking to customers, taking money from customers) takes place in a business establishment, not out on the street somewhere. that's why its not cheating.

    Thats one aspect of it. The other, which actually affects me more is the social stigma that goes with it. I can tell people judge me when I say my gf is a stripper. They assume I'm a gullible fool, and that of course she does 'extras', thats what strippers do. They think I am an idiot to leave my very good job here to move out to the US, and that I am obviously just infatuated with her and its not real love (believe me that is DEFINITELY not the case!)

    you know you certainly dont have to tell other people what she does for a living. you could say she is a cocktail waitress, a bartender, a barista, etc. you could make up anything! its none of their business to know exactly what she does for a living. just tell them she works in a regular nightclub.

    for the friends that do know that shes a stripper, it is just THEIR ignorant opinon and who reall cares about that anyways? if they think shes a slut and youre an idiot then they are really NOT good friends to begin with. real friends dont say horrible things like this.

    Finally, the thing that allows me to not be totally bothered by the stripping is that its a means to an end - i.e it pays for her tuition fees, something I couldn't do for her. However, she has failed this semester, and is considering not going back to uni. I don't know if that is something I can abide.

    that is her choice. tell her youre concerned but eventually it is up to her whether she wants to quit stripping, continue stripping and go to college, or just strip and not go to college. all you can do is tell her how you feel and then make the decision for yourself whether you can
    a. respect her decision and stay with her and work on resolving your feelings about this
    or
    b. break up with her and move on

    there is nothing wrong with breaking up with someone and choosing not to continue your relationship with them if their values dont coincide with yours. life is too short for that.


    I probably know the answers I am going to get, as me and my girlfriend have discussed how it makes me feel, and the problems it causes me. I don't want it to bother me, and when I think rationally it doesn't, its when emotions cloud my judgement that it annoys me. I would love to hear either from dancers, and how their partners cope with it. Some of your own experiences, positive or negative. Or if there are guys dating strippers here, how they deal with it?

    most of the girls i know and work with are in long term relationships. i hardly ever meet a single stripper lol.

    my hubby and i have been together for almost 8 years now. he has no problem with what i do. i was stripping before i met him and continued to strip even after we got engaged and then later married. i dont discuss work too much with him - he doesnt really seem interested. also he has his own life to live to worry about what i do or dont do at work. he knows i am there to make money only and that HE is that i come home to everynight.

    there are many many sucessful relationships that i have seen where the woman strips and the husband or boyfriend does his own thing/has his own job and doesnt worry or get jealous. it CAN be done; however it is not for everyone. if you find yourself worrying over and over again about this, perhaps this is not the right relationship for you. theres is nothing wrong with that. that's just how it is.

  14. The Following User Says Thank You to Elusive21 For This Useful Post:


  15. #11
    Featured Member sierra.'s Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2010
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    904
    Thanks
    1,484
    Thanked 1,166 Times in 427 Posts

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Quote Originally Posted by Cú Chulainn View Post
    Hi Sierra.

    Its the latter. There is no kissing in the club she works.
    Well, then I would advise to stop framing it in this way in your mind. They are not the same thing.


    Quote Originally Posted by Cú Chulainn View Post
    However, since we've been dating exclusively, I've began to feel jealousy when I think about her grinding on other men, and feel very uncomfortable when we talk about her night of work. I try not to, and try and rationalise it, but then worry that I am deluding myself. I find myself asking questions like "How is it not a form of cheating, just because she is paid for it? If I were to kiss girls who offered to take me out to dinner would that be fine too? Obviously not, so why not?"
    Here is my take on cheating. I don't think there is a universal standard for what constitutes cheating. It's defined differently from relationship to relationship. For example, in my relationship sleeping with someone else isn't necessarily cheating, but for many people it would be.
    Her giving lapdances at work isn't cheating unless you want to define it that way, but why would you? She isn't doing it for pleasure, she's doing it as a job. To decide that this is cheating would be narrow-minded and unsupportive of you, especially since you went into this knowing she was a dancer.

    Here's another way to think about it that may help you. For some people, they would consider their partner giving a full-body massage to someone (who may be wearing little to no clothing) is cheating, or uncomfortably close to it. But for the partner of a professional massage therapist, they would not think of it this way because they know it is their partner's job and they are not doing it for pleasure or to seduce the other person, they are doing it for money.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cú Chulainn View Post
    Thats one aspect of it. The other, which actually affects me more is the social stigma that goes with it. I can tell people judge me when I say my gf is a stripper. They assume I'm a gullible fool, and that of course she does 'extras', thats what strippers do. They think I am an idiot to leave my very good job here to move out to the US, and that I am obviously just infatuated with her and its not real love (believe me that is DEFINITELY not the case!)
    These people are ignorant, and if they are going to judge you and aren't willing to listen or learn anything then they probably aren't very good friends. One solution already mentioned is to not tell people your girlfriend is a stripper. My boyfriend never told his friends, until I told him he could, but they haven't been super judgey about it as far as I know and we wouldn't care even if they were.
    The other solution is to realize that people are going to judge no matter what (they'd probably judge you for leaving your job and moving to be with your gf regardless of her occupation), that their opinions usually don't really matter anyway.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cú Chulainn View Post
    Finally, the thing that allows me to not be totally bothered by the stripping is that its a means to an end - i.e it pays for her tuition fees, something I couldn't do for her. However, she has failed this semester, and is considering not going back to uni. I don't know if that is something I can abide. I really don't want to offend anyone here, and I am definitely not someone who would disrespect strippers. I don't go to strip clubs, I have no moral qualms with them, each to their own, I just don't have a need to pay for affection, or sexual gratification.
    I can understand where this is coming from, I think, because my boyfriend feels the same way. I am dancing my way through school, and we are in a serious relationship (about to move in together). He doesn't have a problem with me dancing, but I think that if that's all I was doing and had ZERO plans for the future he would have an issue with it. But it's not that dancing itself that bothers him, it could be another type of job (like min wage fast food) and he'd feel the same way. Its that he wants to see me succeed in life a) because he knows I can and b) wants me to be partner to him with my own success in the future.
    If this sounds like you, my advice is not to pressure her, but to give her space to figure out where she wants to go. She doesn't have to go to school to be successful. Give her some time, but it's reasonable that she have some kind of plan since you intend on being with her long term and if you don't see her with one after a while talk to her about it.




    I'm not going to proof read this because I am lazy today, so hopefully it all makes sense.

    hot flirting tips 2k13: tell him, “I’m not like other girls,” then pull down the secret zipper at the back of your neck to reveal your true reptilian form


  16. The Following User Says Thank You to sierra. For This Useful Post:


  17. #12
    Newbie
    Joined
    May 2011
    Posts
    11
    Thanks
    31
    Thanked 2 Times in 1 Post

    Default

    Thank you very much for your responses. They've been very well thought out and have been immensely helpful. I have a few things to say and a few of the individual points to address, but its late here, and I'm up early in the morning, so I'll give a better response tomorrow.

    Most of the above responses have echoed my own reasoned thoughts when emotion wasn't clouding my judgments. I suppose I was worried that I was just deluding myself. Its good to get some affirmation from people in a similar circumstance.

  18. #13
    Moderator yoda57us's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2002
    Location
    at the Y
    Posts
    10,035
    Thanks
    2,878
    Thanked 5,834 Times in 2,332 Posts
    My Mood
    Goofy

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Dude, most strippers don't tell people outside of a circle of VERY close and trusted friends that they are strippers. Why on earth do you feel the need to do it?

    As far as the rest of your post goes, well, you either trust her or you don't. You can either handle it or you can't. The fact is, some girls kiss in clubs that don't allow kissing, grind in clubs that don't allow grinding and offer extras in clubs that don't allow extras. In other words you don't really know what she is doing at work. As I said, you either trust her or you don't...
    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine View Post
    yoda, I want you so bad it aches in the swimsuit area.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sophia_Starina View Post
    Sophia_Starina is a sensible stripper...Naked all the way.....
    Quote Originally Posted by tempest666 View Post
    Double team! 2 latinas with big tits!!

  19. The Following User Says Thank You to yoda57us For This Useful Post:


  20. #14
    Featured Member
    Joined
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    1,968
    Thanks
    798
    Thanked 1,121 Times in 605 Posts

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    My boyfriends requested I not share the details of my work to them..unless I really needed a shoulder to cry on. They didn't want to hear about the dude who wasted an hour of my time telling me how good he was at eating pussy, then wouldn't buy a dance, etc....

    I had girlfriends, then later SW, to go and vent. It wasn't ideal, as I preferred total honesty. But it was worth it for me to do in order for my boys not to worry about me.

  21. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to KS_Stevia For This Useful Post:


  22. #15
    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2002
    Location
    NY Capital District
    Posts
    3,775
    Thanks
    758
    Thanked 1,943 Times in 696 Posts
    My Mood
    Cynical

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    I find the answers in this thread reasonable and mature. Since there is a lack of crass and immature answers, I'll happily fill the void. My advice is to have sex with your gorgeous girlfriend and quit shitting on what is, to many, a fantasy scenario.
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

  23. The Following User Says Thank You to lestat1 For This Useful Post:


  24. #16
    Newbie
    Joined
    May 2011
    Posts
    11
    Thanks
    31
    Thanked 2 Times in 1 Post

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    @4everresolutions:

    Firstly I want to say if you experience a lot of negativity or sarcasm it's because we get a lot of post in here about men 'dating' strippers. I think you'll be alright because you come off as genuine, artiuclate and it seems you truely care about your GF; but understand any future negativity here's a couple recent threads to consider:
    Married to a Stripper
    My Girlfriend Started Dancing - Or anything by the user Bizmor


    lol! I was actually slightly apprehensive having read some of the other threads here of people asking for 'advice'. I guess a dose of cold hard truth is exactly what some people need at times!

    It sounds like your family already know. Do you take issue with lying to your family? I lie to mine, and my BF's family. Outside of some friends from work, he's the only one who knows I dance. If you can lie and your GF takes no issue with it then tell your family that the dancing was too much for her, and she's now cocktail waitressing. From now on, that's what you'll tell everyone. They might still hold some preconceived notions about the character of your GF, but it will lessen as time goes by.

    Actually, I worded it pretty badly. I haven't told my family, except for my brother. But based on his reaction I won't be telling the rest. He didn't actually say anything. It was more the look of incredulity when I told him. He had a look on his face as if to say 'What a poor naive fool my brother is' and then as I tried to explain why its not a big deal, I could see he thought I was just deluding myself.

    The only friends that know, know because my gf told them. She's kept it a secret for the last year. But I think its been like a 'coming out' for her in the last couple of weeks, and she's told her close friends (and some not so close), who, since I'm moving to live with her are going to be my friends too. So maybe, I need to make it more clear that I'd prefer if she kept it more private.

    BF has also added "You're selling fantasies while I get the real thing." It's important you remember that. Your GF loves you and comes home to you.


    I like that line. It really sums it up nicely.

    Also, the nerd in me wants desperately to ask rude and personal questions re: immigration (how do you plan to immigrate to the US?).

    Hey, no problems. I'm anonymous on here, so don't mind talking about it at all!

    I'm an Irish citizen and qualify for a 1 year working visa as a recent university graduate. Have to fork over some $$ to get it, but at least I'll be legal.

    The real interesting story, is how I managed to convince my employers (the Irish Defence Forces) to release me from my contract. It involved oscar winning performances and stories involving fake pregnancies. It should make lying about my girlfriend's job a very easy thing to do!


    @ elusive

    Thanks very much! Some solid advice there. I appreciate it and will take it on board.


    @ sierra

    Great reply! Thanks very much!

    Here's another way to think about it that may help you. For some people, they would consider their partner giving a full-body massage to someone (who may be wearing little to no clothing) is cheating, or uncomfortably close to it. But for the partner of a professional massage therapist, they would not think of it this way because they know it is their partner's job and they are not doing it for pleasure or to seduce the other person, they are doing it for money.

    Thats an excellent analogy actually, and really puts my misplaced jealousy in context.

    I can understand where this is coming from, I think, because my boyfriend feels the same way. I am dancing my way through school, and we are in a serious relationship (about to move in together). He doesn't have a problem with me dancing, but I think that if that's all I was doing and had ZERO plans for the future he would have an issue with it. But it's not that dancing itself that bothers him, it could be another type of job (like min wage fast food) and he'd feel the same way. Its that he wants to see me succeed in life a) because he knows I can and b) wants me to be partner to him with my own success in the future.

    If this sounds like you, my advice is not to pressure her, but to give her space to figure out where she wants to go. She doesn't have to go to school to be successful. Give her some time, but it's reasonable that she have some kind of plan since you intend on being with her long term and if you don't see her with one after a while talk to her about it.


    You've hit the nail on the head with that one. That is exactly how I feel. Very well put, and sound advice.

    Again, thanks to everyone else for their thoughts. Interesting reading.

  25. #17
    Newbie
    Joined
    May 2011
    Posts
    11
    Thanks
    31
    Thanked 2 Times in 1 Post

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Quote Originally Posted by yoda57us View Post
    Dude, most strippers don't tell people outside of a circle of VERY close and trusted friends that they are strippers. Why on earth do you feel the need to do it?

    I didn't make myself clear in the earlier posts. I haven't told too many of my friends. Its just a few of the ones that I did tell, like my brother, had a reaction that made me feel like shit. Most of the people who know, know because my girlfriend is much more open about it, and has told most of her friends.
    As far as the rest of your post goes, well, you either trust her or you don't. You can either handle it or you can't. The fact is, some girls kiss in clubs that don't allow kissing, grind in clubs that don't allow grinding and offer extras in clubs that don't allow extras. In other words you don't really know what she is doing at work. As I said, you either trust her or you don't...
    I do trust her. I said that multiple times.

    As for not knowing whether she offers extras or not. Of course I can never know with 100% certainty. But in the basic usuage of the word I know she doesn't. I suppose like you said, its down to trust, and she told me she doesn't, and thats good enough for me to know she doesn't.

  26. #18
    Moderator yoda57us's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2002
    Location
    at the Y
    Posts
    10,035
    Thanks
    2,878
    Thanked 5,834 Times in 2,332 Posts
    My Mood
    Goofy

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Quote Originally Posted by Cú Chulainn View Post
    I do trust her. I said that multiple times.
    You probably did but I didn't read the other responses. I read your OP and responded to it.

    If you trust her than that's half the battle. The other half is being honest with yourself.
    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine View Post
    yoda, I want you so bad it aches in the swimsuit area.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sophia_Starina View Post
    Sophia_Starina is a sensible stripper...Naked all the way.....
    Quote Originally Posted by tempest666 View Post
    Double team! 2 latinas with big tits!!

  27. #19
    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    6,430
    Thanks
    19,846
    Thanked 18,507 Times in 4,919 Posts
    My Mood
    Breezy

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    In regards to being uncomfortable with her quitting college - I guess it just depends on how comfortable you are with stripping being an actual job. It sounds like you're only ok with it as long as there is a very specific financial goal in mind with a specific end date: she strips to pay for college and once those loans are gone, she stops stripping. It seems you're uncomfortable with the stripping continuing if college is not. It's reasonable to expect her to have a plan for when she no longer wants to dance, but it's a little demeaning to think that dancing is only good as a stepping stone to higher education. I understand wanting her to be the best she can be, but unless she is putting off her real dream because she feels "stuck" in stripping, dancing is just as empowering of an occupation as anything else. She is self-employed, working hard, and being independent. As long as she isn't stuck because she feels she can't do any better, I see nothing wrong with this.

    If she actually has something she wants to study, college would be the right path, but if she doesn't actually have a goal in mind with her education, it's silly for her to keep going for now. I just graduated with a general degree, and yeah, it would be great if I really wanted to enter the "normal corporate" workforce, but I don't, and now I'm just angry that I just went to college and didn't drop out when I wanted to to figure things out because everyone was pressuring me to keep going. Leaving school might be the best thing for her right now if she doesn't see herself going anywhere with it. And if dancing is going to take care of her for however long it takes for her to figure out her future, and she doesn't hate herself for doing it, I would encourage it. Honestly, if I danced until I was 30 and then got a "regular" job at what is still a relatively young point in life, I would be perfectly happy with that... but that would still be another 8 years of dancing.

    I'm guessing since she is only a few years into college, that you are both only in your early 20's as well. She has plenty of time to figure out what she wants to do for the rest of her life, and she very well may take that time. You need to decide if you're ok with the dancing possibly continuing for quite awhile after she leaves school. Of course you want her to have a plan for the future after dancing, since it doesn't sound like she wants to be a career stripper, but at a very young age, that plan might not come about for a few more years. Can you handle that, if that ends up being the case?

  28. The Following User Says Thank You to Aurora_Sunset For This Useful Post:


  29. #20
    God/dess
    Joined
    May 2006
    Location
    Rhode Island
    Posts
    2,420
    Thanks
    36
    Thanked 291 Times in 210 Posts

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    My advice to you is that you ought to resolve this with her before you come over and live with her. If you are uncomfortable knowing and hearting about her work, it will be a lot harder for you to watch her go out to work while you sit at home waiting for her to return.

    The sooner you realize and accept the fact that it is (I'm guessing) nothing more than a job to her, the better off you'll be. I've gotten very close (though not exclusively dating) a handful of girls over the years. The fact they danced never fazed me because I only met them because of that and I knew for a fact they did not care for their customers much (if at all) and were only interested in bleeding them dry.
    "never trust a big butt and a smile"-- Bell Biv DeVoe

    If you're in your twenties and aren't a liberal, you have no heart. If you're in you're forties and aren't a conservative, you have no brain - Winston Churchill

  30. #21
    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    1,338
    Thanks
    247
    Thanked 1,580 Times in 667 Posts

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Try just viewing the whole thing as her job.....not the specific acts that she does in her job....

    for example, say she was a school janitor.....just viewing the big picture, no problem....but if you start to imagine her reaching into a shit filled toilet to pull out a lodged roll of toilet paper....you probably arent going to suck on her fingers...

    Its just her job....you trust her... dont worry about the nuts and bolts of it.

  31. The Following User Says Thank You to lemiwinks31 For This Useful Post:


  32. #22
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    Oct 2006
    Location
    lap dance land
    Posts
    711
    Thanks
    313
    Thanked 292 Times in 132 Posts

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Having read the whole thread again, I just want to say that you seem like a really nice guy and I think it's sweet that you are so concerned about her future.

  33. The Following User Says Thank You to Elusive21 For This Useful Post:


  34. #23
    God/dess
    Joined
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    3,142
    Thanks
    1,158
    Thanked 1,112 Times in 673 Posts

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Are you looking for advice or for a magic pill that will make the jealousy and stigma go away?

    Quote Originally Posted by lemiwinks31 View Post
    Try just viewing the whole thing as her job.....not the specific acts that she does in her job....
    I want to go along with the "its just a job" argument - but, if it does becomes a long-term career for her, the OP has to give due consideration for the implications of her career.

    A wife's career is a big part of her life, and therefore, also big part of her husband's life and vice-versa.

    For example - if you married a policewoman, you have to consider the pressure, danger, violence and stress that are inherent with her job and how this may spill over to your marriage. You have to be very sensitive to this and be very emotionally supportive in times of tragedy and/or crisis. This will require more "work" than if she was just a teacher. (Of course in some school districts, being a teacher is more life-threatening than being a policewoman.)

    If you married a military woman - you have similar issues, plus, she may have to leave home for extended periods of time for military duty, she may be involved in combat, come back with post traumatic stress disorder, etc.

    If you married a lawyer or business executive, she will often work late hours (usually with male colleagues), not have time to be a traditional mommy, and may travel often (usually with male colleagues).

    If you marry a career dancer - the issues you will face for the rest of your marriage will be jealousy and stigma. If you guys are short on money and she comes home with twice or three-times what she normally makes in one night - you will inevitable ask: "What did you have to do tonight to make the extra money." If a rich guy praise/worships her and buys her expensive gifts, you will wonder whether she will become enticed by his money/success/charm and leave you. When you guys are out on a date and guys stare at her, you will wonder - is that guy staring because he recognizes her from the SC? - Did she grind on him? People will judge her and you - and you may be ostracized from some circles.

    To some guys, this is not an issue. Some guys might love that their wife is a sex goddess worshiped by other men "but only I get to take her home". Instead of being jealous, they feel envied -- rightfully so, they are lucky bastards.

    But, no one here can change your personality, the way your emotions are wired, and the way you deal with jealousy and stigma. Either - you can handle it or you can't. If you can't, and if her choice is to dance on a long-term basis - your relationship is doomed - it is a recipe for disaster and no one here can save you from the train wreck.

    Just tell her this - I love you, but I can't deal with you dancing long term. I'm not judging you or giving you an ultimatum. I'm just being honest with us. Then, hold your breath, and prepare yourself to lose her.
    Last edited by jack0177057; 05-18-2011 at 02:31 PM.
    Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
    - Oscar Wilde

  35. The Following User Says Thank You to jack0177057 For This Useful Post:


  36. #24
    Newbie
    Joined
    May 2011
    Posts
    11
    Thanks
    31
    Thanked 2 Times in 1 Post

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    In regards to being uncomfortable with her quitting college - I guess it just depends on how comfortable you are with stripping being an actual job. It sounds like you're only ok with it as long as there is a very specific financial goal in mind with a specific end date: she strips to pay for college and once those loans are gone, she stops stripping. It seems you're uncomfortable with the stripping continuing if college is not. It's reasonable to expect her to have a plan for when she no longer wants to dance, but it's a little demeaning to think that dancing is only good as a stepping stone to higher education. I understand wanting her to be the best she can be, but unless she is putting off her real dream because she feels "stuck" in stripping, dancing is just as empowering of an occupation as anything else. She is self-employed, working hard, and being independent. As long as she isn't stuck because she feels she can't do any better, I see nothing wrong with this.

    If she actually has something she wants to study, college would be the right path, but if she doesn't actually have a goal in mind with her education, it's silly for her to keep going for now. I just graduated with a general degree, and yeah, it would be great if I really wanted to enter the "normal corporate" workforce, but I don't, and now I'm just angry that I just went to college and didn't drop out when I wanted to to figure things out because everyone was pressuring me to keep going. Leaving school might be the best thing for her right now if she doesn't see herself going anywhere with it. And if dancing is going to take care of her for however long it takes for her to figure out her future, and she doesn't hate herself for doing it, I would encourage it. Honestly, if I danced until I was 30 and then got a "regular" job at what is still a relatively young point in life, I would be perfectly happy with that... but that would still be another 8 years of dancing.

    I'm guessing since she is only a few years into college, that you are both only in your early 20's as well. She has plenty of time to figure out what she wants to do for the rest of her life, and she very well may take that time. You need to decide if you're ok with the dancing possibly continuing for quite awhile after she leaves school. Of course you want her to have a plan for the future after dancing, since it doesn't sound like she wants to be a career stripper, but at a very young age, that plan might not come about for a few more years. Can you handle that, if that ends up being the case?
    Thanks Aurora.

    Well, its really a decision for her. I'm not going to pressure her either way, because I don't want her to look back in a few years and say "Y'know I loved that job, and wasn't so sure if I wanted to continue with school, and because of my bf pressuring me to do what he wanted, I ended up in finishing this degree I hate and working this 9-5 job that I despise". Its her decision to make, and I'll allow her make it, and I'll make my own mind up. There's no sense in forcing your SO when it comes to relationships. Ultimatums are just going to end in either a going with the ultimatum and being bitter about being forced into a decision, or the relationship ending. Neither are good situations to have.

    But I know my gf very well. I know that while she does enjoy stripping, she would be disappointed if thats where she was in 10 years from now. Like I told her recently, she's twice as smart as me, ten times more creative, and can accomplish so much. I'm just going to be there and support her to better herself, but I won't be forcing her to do anything.

    But when push comes to shove, if she decides to 'settle' for stripping with no long term goals, then I think I would end it. It would kill me to see someone with so much potential just settle. Its not me trying to be a white knight or anything, I just want my partner to be the best she can be, like she does for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by lemiwinks31 View Post
    Try just viewing the whole thing as her job.....not the specific acts that she does in her job....

    for example, say she was a school janitor.....just viewing the big picture, no problem....but if you start to imagine her reaching into a shit filled toilet to pull out a lodged roll of toilet paper....you probably arent going to suck on her fingers...

    Its just her job....you trust her... dont worry about the nuts and bolts of it.
    Haha! Thats another great analogy! I wonder is there somewhere where the wive's of janitors can go to talk about how they feel when they imagine their husbands unclogging shit filled toilets!! Makes me feel bad for worrying about my girl!

    Quote Originally Posted by Elusive21 View Post
    Having read the whole thread again, I just want to say that you seem like a really nice guy and I think it's sweet that you are so concerned about her future.
    Aww thanks Elusive!

    By the way, like the sig! But... don't give up hope, l! So we can change!

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    Are you looking for advice or for a magic pill that will make the jealousy and stigma go away?



    I want to go along with the "its just a job" argument - but, if it does becomes a long-term career for her, the OP has to give due consideration for the implications of her career.

    A wife's career is a big part of her life, and therefore, also big part of her husband's life and vice-versa.

    For example - if you married a policewoman, you have to consider the pressure, danger, violence and stress that are inherent with her job and how this may spill over to your marriage. You have to be very sensitive to this and be very emotionally supportive in times of tragedy and/or crisis. This will require more "work" than if she was just a teacher. (Of course in some school districts, being a teacher is more life-threatening than being a policewoman.)

    If you married a military woman - you have similar issues, plus, she may have to leave home for extended periods of time for military duty, she may be involved in combat, come back with post traumatic stress disorder, etc.

    If you married a lawyer or business executive, she will often work late hours (usually with male colleagues), not have time to be a traditional mommy, and may travel often (usually with male colleagues).

    If you marry a career dancer - the issues you will face for the rest of your marriage will be jealousy and stigma. If you guys are short on money and she comes home with twice or three-times what she normally makes in one night - you will inevitable ask: "What did you have to do tonight to make the extra money." If a rich guy praise/worships her and buys her expensive gifts, you will wonder whether she will become enticed by his money/success/charm and leave you. When you guys are out on a date and guys stare at her, you will wonder - is that guy staring because he recognizes her from the SC? - Did she grind on him? People will judge her and you - and you may be ostracized from some circles.

    To some guys, this is not an issue. Some guys might love that their wife is a sex goddess worshiped by other men "but only I get to take her home". Instead of being jealous, they feel envied -- rightfully so, they are lucky bastards.

    But, no one here can change your personality, the way your emotions are wired, and the way you deal with jealousy and stigma. Either - you can handle it or you can't. If you can't, and if her choice is to dance on a long-term basis - your relationship is doomed - it is a recipe for disaster and no one here can save you from the train wreck.

    Just tell her this - I love you, but I can't deal with you dancing long term. I'm not judging you or giving you an ultimatum. I'm just being honest with us. Then, hold your breath, and prepare yourself to lose her.
    Cheers Jack!

    Yep, stripping like other jobs has consequences, and I gotta decide how they affect me. Just in the same way, as she's going to have tough decisions to make in a year when I go back to the army, and how I might be absent for tours of duty etc. Every decision in life is a weighing up of the pros and cons. At the moment thanks to the sound advice from people on this site, the pros of dating a stripper are looking like a 300lb girl on a seesaw with a 90lb skinny guy on the other end as a con!



    Thanks again for all your thoughts people. Its been an eye-opening experience reading this site. I'm pretty green when it comes to stripping and strip clubs. Everything I know comes from what my gf tells me.

    I think I might stick around

  37. #25
    Veteran Member SteveSmith's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2009
    Location
    At Dream Girls getting a dance from the top earner
    Posts
    292
    Thanks
    116
    Thanked 151 Times in 90 Posts

    Default Re: Advice for dealing with stigma and jealousy of dating a dancer

    Quote Originally Posted by bem401 View Post
    The sooner you realize and accept the fact that it is (I'm guessing) nothing more than a job to her, the better off you'll be. I've gotten very close (though not exclusively dating) a handful of girls over the years. The fact they danced never fazed me because I only met them because of that and I knew for a fact they did not care for their customers much (if at all) and were only interested in bleeding them dry.
    Your statement is contradictory. You're saying that it's nothing more than a job to her and the dancers don't care for their customers and just want to bleed them dry. You also say you've gotten close to a handful of dancers that you met at the strip club "though not exclusively dating."

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. dealing with stigma
    By MISS.NY in forum Other Work
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 07-23-2011, 05:13 PM
  2. Jealousy is a ugly thing..need advice
    By abaddon248 in forum Stripping (was Stripping General)
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 01-19-2010, 09:08 PM
  3. Jealousy issue ....need good advice
    By Hello_Kitty27 in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 06-09-2006, 07:51 AM
  4. Dancer jealousy
    By Antihippie in forum Customer Conversation
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 01-31-2004, 03:17 PM
  5. Dealing with HIS ex as a dancer...
    By Shawn in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 01-14-2003, 07:14 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •