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Thread: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

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    Sad Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    My man and I have basically been arguing for the entire month of May almost. And its just gotten worse and worse. I admit, I am clingy. But for justified reasons. #1 I basically have NO friends, one friend I did loose because of him, but others were just shady and I recently realized it. #2. I have no hobbies! I work, come home and thats it. I cant think of anything I like to do, so I cant develope a hobby. #3 We have been in each others lives for a year, and when I lost my friends, he took over the role.

    He was my lover, my man, my friend, etc. I felt like nothing else even mattered. Then all of a sudden, he hits me with "I need my space". I'm not going to say it came out of no where, because we had been fighting like cats and dogs, over him disrespecting me at times, or him not wanting to spend time with me, or something like that. So when he first said he needed his space, I took it lightly obviously, and continued to call him and text him. But that only made matters worse.

    Its to the point where I feel like he is disgusted by me. And it doesn't help that his BM has decided that she's all of sudden wanting to try again with him. My mind just has so much on it, and my heart has so much hurt in it. I love him, I feel like this is the person that I want to be with, because our happy times, are AMAZING but our not so happy times, will make me feel like the lowest of the low.

    So now that he has decided that he needs his space, how much space do I give him? How long is too long? How long should I wait before I just give up?

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    God/dess BlkSharpie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    One thing that stands out is...both of the things you listed are things that you can, and should handle for your own personal self growth, which in turn would make things better for your relationship. Its not a matter of giving him space until he warms back up, because if nothing has changed for you, then its just a matter of time before the same issues come right back up again.

    Even if it is just getting yourself a hobby, something that interests you and is just for you...and also gives you something interesting to talk about every once in awhile with him to...that can keep things fresh in the relationship too.

    All my hobbies are goofy...I like playing games on my phone, I crochet and just started teaching myself to knit, and I watch brit-com and golden girls. I also like going out myself...even if its just for lunch, or to have a drink, and Ill also go to the theatre and opera as well...when I was dating, if my guy was busy, Id just go and tell him about it later.

    He didnt feel obligated, since he knew I was just doing something I was interested in, whether he was there or not. And it came to a point where he was so curious about the things I was excitedly telling him about, that he started wanting to spend more time with me and get in on it.

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    Men like the thrill of the chase, even after you have been together a long time. Give him time to miss you. Change up your schedule so when he expects you to be home, you wont be. Go to the gym, walk around the mall, take dance classes solo, take classes online. Just make it to where you are not available anytime he wants or calls. You will know when enough space is enough.

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    sigh.

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    I hate to say it but now when I hear a man say "I need space" I assume it means "I don't want you anymore". This happened to me where I reconnected with what I thought was my soulmate, he asked me to be exclusive, then he said he needed space, which I did. Yes he eventually came back, but disappeared again. I was never clingy at all. In fact I hate clingy people and I have broken up with clingy men. People always need to have activities they enjoy regardless of the person.

    My advice is to go out there and do things you like. I would also advise you to date others because in the event he never comes back then you may find a better man. But most importantly, DON'T BE CLINGY! Men hate clingy women and I don't blame them. Don't call him, let him call you.

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    I agree a LOT with BlkSharpie. You need to start developing your own hobbies, activities, and friends. Not just so you stop annoying your bf, but also to make you realize that there is much more to your life than him. He should not be the center of your world, for both your sakes. My ex hated the fact that I had no friends when we were dating (well, I did have friends but they were back in Wisconsin and this was when I had just moved to Indiana and was having a hard time meeting people) - he was really skittish about the idea that he was the only thing going on in my life. I wasn't even clingy! If anything, I was incredibly distant and acted too much like I didn't care - so, I think that even if you tried not calling or texting but didn't develop your own life, he'll still be wary about the same thing happening again.

    I also agree with Kelly that "I need space" may mean he doesn't want the relationship anymore. "Needing space" is often what people say when they know they need to break up but just can't do it yet. I would say give him as much space as not calling or texting or contacting him at all - let him contact you. If he wants you back, he'll let you know when his "space" time is up. If he doesn't contact you within the next couple weeks, he probably wouldn't need more "space" unless he's ready to be done completely. Either way, don't contact him - it'll only piss him off further and not let him miss you; and start working on your own life as though he's already gone so that if he does leave completely, you will be fine on your own.
    Last edited by Aurora_Sunset; 05-28-2011 at 03:05 PM.

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    Don't make excuses for being clingy, fix those problems and stop doing it. I agree with Kelly, once a guy doesn't want you around anymore he is pretty much done with you. Your partner shouldn't be your whole life, they should be the person you share you wonderful life with.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    Being the center on someone elses world and the only thing they have of interest in their life is an enormous burden. You need to find other things that interest and inspire you. As far as how much space to give him, if you don't give him enough he will be gone, so you need to give him as much as he needs. A pretty face, hot body, and good sex are great things to attract a guy, but there has to be more substance to keep a relationship long term.

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    give him as much space as you possibly can. it may seem like too much space at first but then he'll start to miss you. work an extra day or two every week. turn your phone off. go to the movies by yourself. go shopping all day. go the salon! book a pampering day just for you! go get your hair and nails done, get a massage, get a facial, etc. go to a party and don't invite him. you say you don't have friends but there must be girls at work that you talk to. invite a girl out for drinks. ask a girl to be your workout buddy. take a kickboxing class with her. let your man take a back seat and just do you! it'll make him appreciate you more and most importantly you need to appreciate yourself. go buy yourself a diamond necklace or a designer bag that costs wayyy too much. who cares?! treat yourself well and don't buy him anything, cook him anything, or do anything special for him unless he deserves it.

    clingy is unattractive. clingy says "I need to be with you" and it's a turnoff. a guy likes a woman who can stand on her own and say "this is me, take it or leave it. I want you, but I don't need you."

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    ^^ Basically all of the above - with one more point that you should remember for the future.

    Never, EVER, give up your own friends for a man.

    Now would be a good time to start getting back in touch with them.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    Quote Originally Posted by pussyinboots View Post
    ^^ Basically all of the above - with one more point that you should remember for the future.

    Never, EVER, give up your own friends for a man.

    Now would be a good time to start getting back in touch with them.
    I should have commented on this earlier but I forgot - yes, NEVER lose friends over a guy (unless it is truly justified). There are some instances where your friends are genuinely crazy/unstable/jealous and just make trouble to cause trouble. But most of the time, friends know you much better than a new man and can tell when you're acting out of character and will call you on it. I had a friend who dated some guy I hated for 6 months and he knew I hated him so he acted like a complete dick to me even after I tried to apologize and offered to start over. He only acted that way when she wasn't within hearing distance and she never believed me when I tried to tell her the awful things he would say to me when she wasn't around... It got to the point where she just ceased to be my friend, basically, and never invited me over or kicked me out because she didn't want us to cross paths. She eventually realized the error the of her ways after they broke up and apologized to me, but it's still shitty that it happened.

    I don't know you or your situation with your friends or what their problem was with your bf. But, especially now that you're taking some time apart (hopefully) and you have a clearer head, maybe you'll realize that the friend had a point... maybe not, but I think that friends should almost always come first unless you KNOW that they are crazy-possessive of you. If they've usually been calm and level-headed, their complaints are probably valid... think deeply about them.

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    You need to respect your self. You obviously don't respect him either if you didn't listen to him the first time. You don't feel embarrassed by your behavior ? Come on. I acted like this in High School.

    Maybe you aren't mature enough to be in a relationship if you don't love yourself first. Self love is important.

    If you feel like he is disgusted w/ you -he probably is. Gut feelings are usually right. Not trying to be a complete bitch, but you should really step back & think about yourself alil more

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    I agree with what's been said by others.

    I'll just add that, you need to know what "space" means, and the best way to find out - from a strong position, rather than a weak/clingy position - is to turn the tables on him. Tell him something like this - "I agree that space is good, I need to make my life more interesting - but I don't want to hurt you in the process, so we need to decide how much space we are comfortable with?"

    The effect of this is:
    (1) you don't seem clingy/pathetic;
    (2) you seem to embrace the idea;
    (3) you seem confident;
    (4) you seem to be ready to try new things and pursue new interests;
    (5) but, at the same time, you seem concerned about not hurting him and propose a sensible idea.

    At this point, he will reply with:
    (1) if he still loves you, he might feel insecure about you dating other guys and crawfish a little. He'll say - "I don't want you to go out and date other people, I just want to have some 'me' time once in a while and also some time to hang out with my friends, that's all"; or
    (2) if he has no more feelings for you, he'll say something like - "You can do anything you want, I'll be fine with it."
    Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    he wants to break up with you. i don't see how this could be more obvious. i'm not sure why people are giving you advice to play weird mind games when he has, in more ways than one, told you he doesn't particularly want to be around you anymore.

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    ^ You could be right, but I don't think every time a man needs "space" from a clingy woman, it means he wants to break up with her. Maybe he just wants to spend some time with his friends and wants free time to do something else besides the BF thing 24/07. Short breaks (not break-ups, just time away) are good for a relationship.

    Reminds me of a 'Everyone Loves Raymond' episode were the wife wanted to go along with the husband on his golf trip with his friends. He hates the idea, but reluctantly agrees. He resents her intrusion into his "space" and they end up in a nasty fight on the golf course.
    Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    Quote Originally Posted by pussyinboots View Post
    Never, EVER, give up your own friends for a man.
    no don't gve them up, but one of my g/f told me how important her friends were to her, which we were, initally, but then, becoming the b/f messed things up, cause then, she was claiming that her friends were more important to her than I was. I dislike when girls have some weird need to separate friends and SO's and all...

    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    he wants to break up with you. i don't see how this could be more obvious.
    yeah. he's trying nicely though. he's unsure of how it will be without her, but that's why he's leaving the option (though slight) open for later.

    he wants space, just dump him and save yourself future anguish.

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    ^ You could be right, but I don't think every time a man needs "space" from a clingy woman, it means he wants to break up with her.
    I think it does. the only time guys say they need 'space' from a girl and not wanting to hook up with others, is when they mean it, literally, like, she's asleep on his arm or something and he has to move it.
    I wish I knew what I was doing...

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    ^ You could be right, but I don't think every time a man needs "space" from a clingy woman, it means he wants to break up with her.
    When you can't even stand to be around someone there really is no going back.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    I am a little surprised about all of the posters who jumped on Jazelle for being "clingy." Why shouldn't she have been able to rely upon him? They had been together for a year, long enough that mutual support and understanding should have been part of the dynamic.

    Jazelle, IMHO if he didn't want to be in that position then so be it, but don't blame yourself. The only thing that sucks about this is that he could have moved on sooner if this dynamic was not for him. I guess on the next try you will just need to find someone who wants to be needed.

    Anyway, just my

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    I am a little surprised about all of the posters who jumped on Jazelle for being "clingy." Why shouldn't she have been able to rely upon him?
    What the hell does one thing have to do with the other?
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    i love when these threads start getting funny.

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    What the hell does one thing have to do with the other?
    I don't think the two things are related either. People should be able to depend on each other, but when one person expects their life to be the other that's a problem. Clingy is not attractive.

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    Exactly what BlkSharpie said.
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    Well, I dont agree that men always want to break up when they say they want space. I used to assume that, but then was informed I was wrong when I moved and changed my number a couple of weeks after a serious ex asked for time.

    I ran into him a yr later and we got back together.....but he was furious because he just needed a month or so to straighten out his life and I vanished for over a yr.

    I do think you need your own interests tho! You cant be interesting if you have nothing to talk about!
    "I hear you calling and it's needles and pins. I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name...You're poision. but I don't wanna break these chains.... I wanna love you but I'd better not touch."

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    When you can't even stand to be around someone there really is no going back.
    wrong. you can salvage a relationship if you're diligent. the problem is that clingyness doesn't go away overnight.

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    Default Re: Giving Him Space..How Much Is Enough?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    I don't think the two things are related either. People should be able to depend on each other, but when one person expects their life to be the other that's a problem. Clingy is not attractive.
    Agreed. It's one thing to be able to depend on someone and another to rely on them being your whole world. That's too much pressure and it's not attractive of someone to have no real personality because they're just leeching off your life instead of developing their own hobbies and interests. If a guy can introduce you to things you both like, great - but that's no excuse for just giving up on pursuing other things so you can take a break from each other once in awhile.

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    I guess on the next try you will just need to find someone who wants to be needed.
    I don't think people should need one another... there are times when you actually require help and do need someone there, and if you have a SO, you should be able to rely on them when you need it - but you shouldn't just need someone in your life to make your existence worthwhile. You should want to spend time with your SO, but if you need someone constantly around just because you don't know what to do with yourself if they weren't there, that's a personal issue you need to work on. Relationships should be two complete people sharing each other's lives and also creating a new one of their own - not one incomplete person leeching off another person's life because they aren't comfortable with themselves on their own.

    I'm sure she could find a guy out there who wants to be needed all the time, but that guy would probably be just as insecure and clingy as she is, or he'd be manipulative and thrive off of her relying on him constantly - neither of which are healthy either.

    Either way, she can try to keep him around or she can give up and leave - if she wants to try to make it work, he's given her the exact thing that bothers him and he's probably not going to change his mind. So she can work on what he wants fixed or, if she doesn't want to change either, accept that it'll just keep bothering him until "space" turns into a break-up.

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