My friends and family are pretty much sick of hearing about this...so I really dont have anyone in my personal life to talk to about this, and Im at an alltime low here. Its been an ongoing thing for over two years now, and tonight really hit the point of no return. Ill try and keep this short, please bear with me if it gets a big long, but Ill try...
I was with my ex for over 2 years...two amazing years. We were planning to move in together, and talking marriage...it was so close that I finally let me guard down and introduced him to my family. We flew to cali where he met my sister and brother in law, who are more like mom and dad to me, and then he came home with me and met the rest of my family on Thanksgiving.
The very next day he broke up with me in a text message. Three days later, I found he hed been cheating on me with someone else for nearly 6 months and was telling everyone that we'd already broken up months prior...it also came out though that she knew he was still with me, and was telling him to end it with me...hence I guess the sudden breakup after meeting my family.
Throughout these past two years... I will totally own up to it, my fault that I let myself keep falling for him, believing him, and his intentions. I didnt trust him totally, especially since she kept popping up in and out of his life. He told me that he was not in a relationship with her anymore, and couldn't be with me either cause he could not commit to anything with anyone. His family and friends do not like her, said they could not see it lasting or figure out what they had together since even he complained about her and couldnt stand her.
Shes 15 years younger than him, still lives at home, has a drug and alcohol problem, in and out of rehab, sleeping with his friends, screaming at him in public, the works, there was always some phycho drama going on with her and him and he even developed an entire facial tick due to stress.
At the beginning of the year, she got stopped for a dui, landed in jail and lost her license. He said that was the final straw and he was done with her. Of course I never did like or have respect for her to begin with, but this put me over the top....and he knew it. My father was killed by a drunk driver when I was 2..and I grew up with a mother who never wanted me in the first place, and would flat out tell me she hated me and that I reminded her of him, that my father begged her to have a baby with him and that both him and my only purpose in life is gone, and let me know if my own mother doesnt want me, no one else ever would. Yes, Im all shades of screwed up on an emotional level though Ive tried *very* hard to overcome it, and I have zero tolerance for dui.
Since all that, he swore that they were not talking, and he was done with her. He started dating others, seeing other people...knowing him I figured he didnt stop talking to her altogether but I didnt think much of it that she was any real part of his life. At this point, I still loved and cared him very much, but we were not romantically or sexually involved. He and I became and remained very close friends, talked or texted nearly every day, spent some time together etc.
Last month, I came into some really hard times and he helped me out...last week I sent him an email, just telling him that I appreciate it and will pay him back, and also spilled my guts on a lot of things I was feeling on an emotional level...a lot of it stress and me just being emotional. A couple days later, he calls to ask me if I posted on facebook that he loaned me money...I didnt tell *anyone* I was in a bind and sure wouldnt put on facebook. I freaked wondering who was writing about my situation on fb and how anyone would find out since he was the only person in my life who knew..he told me not to worry about it and everything was okay.
I kept pushing and pushing...he swore he never said anything to anyone. I figured it strange that right after I send him my email he asks me that, and drill him about it...hes acting confused and says he hasnt gotten any emails from me in awhile. Finally, he gets back to me saying he got it out of the girl...while they were in LA together, she snuck his phone, read my email, deleted it, and then gave him hell saying she knows he loaned me money. He figured it was off fb, but yeah she read my email. I was horrified and humiliated to say the least..not just about the money, but I said some *very personal things* And this girl has a reputation for being a grade A bitch.
Then...I get an email from her...telling me how I ruined their trip, and that Ive been a problem for thier relationship since they started dating (mind you, I was still his gf when they started dating, and she knew it!) and shes sick of him sleeping around and seeing other women behind her back and over it...and to have him take me on the trip they have planned for the bahamas because shes done with him. She also said a bunch of other shit...just to get a dig in and piss me off. I was super calm in my reply, letting her know that when she started fucking him behind my back, she knew from day one he was not faithful or honest, and its rediculous of her to now decide its important to her...and to go after a girl who is actually fucking him, Im not one of them.
He went into turbo mode, trying to make things right with me, telling me this time for real its over, and that he is not talking to her, that she crossed the line going through his things and invading not only his but my privacy...she kept emailing me, and I told him...he told her to stop and she did. He asked me to meet him for dinner, we do , we talk, he tells me that our friendship is solid and theres no way hes letting her or anyone get between that..and to not let her get to me because shes anyway a loser, living off her parents, selling her things, etc etc etc, and that shes mroe like a little sister to him, shes a mess and hes just a friend to her. I dont believe a word of it...well, I know shes messed up, but not that he was "just a friend" He and I are just friends, and we're not exactly taking trips and planning holidays together.
He tells me its over and done with and he has no respect for her yadda yadda. yesterday, I find out she called up his mom, tell him the details of my email and blowing up my situation telling her that Im depending on him for money. I tell him, and he said dont worry about it, he'll handle it and tell her to knock it off.
This weekend was the anniversary of my fathers death, always a really rough time for me..he and I even talked about it. His sister called me up to invite me to spend the weekend with her and some friends, and that pretty much saved me from spending the weekend in bed doing what I do every Memorial Day weekend...sleeping the weekend away so that I dont think of my dad and everything since him. My ex texted me asking how I was doing and said hes happy Im having a good time etc. I get home to an email from a friend telling me to check out this girls fb page.
She posted that shes in the bahamas with my ex, and posted up pictures of them there together. I LOST it. Didnt even matter to me so much that they were together, or there together, but that he lied to me...again...gave me a line of bullshit and I fell for it..again. This girl can talk shit about me, degrade me, do whatever she wants...and he doesnt give a fuck. And I really doubt at this point that he said anytihng to her beside not to email me again...He already fucked up as a boyfriend...and now as a friend...he failed on every single level.
I sent him an email...pissed off to the core...told him he was a liar, always was...that our relationship and our friendship is nothing but a joke to him. That he will talk about what a loser this girl is, went into detail the things he said about her and why she is nothing to him, how I dont believe him for a second that shes just a little sister to him that he was lying to me that they werent even in a relationship all the timec and that all he is, is her little bitch who lets her control who his friends are, how he spends his money, and what hes allowed to do...
I also went off on how he decided to reward her for the shit she put me through last week, harrassing me, talking shit about me, and telling everyone my personal business and humiliating me by taking her on vacation on the anniversary of my dads death....at the hands of an irresponsible drunk driving loser just like her.
I told him I dont want to go to Disney with him...something he offered saying it would be great to go away together and make ammends, I dont want him coming over to make me dinner, I dont want him telling me he loves me or that the moments with me are the moments in life that he lives for...that I appreciated our friendship, but want nothing more to do with him and his lies.
I said a lot oif stuff...longer than this post here...i said a lot of very mean nasty stuff..about him, abotu her, about what hes said about her, about what shes said and done as well, and exactly what I thought of both of them. And then....I told him Im going to end it with the exact same thing I told my mom the last time I talked to her 2 years ago....that the next time I see him will be at his funeral, and the next time I talk to him will be at his grave..and if I die before him, hes welcome to come and say all the bullshit lies he wants cause then I dont have to hear it...and that until then, I want nothing to do with him.
Then I emailed it to her as well...telling her since she enjoys reading my emails to him, that, Im just going ot go ahead and send a copy directly to her, and that I hope it closes any doubt in her mind that I have any involvement with him now or ever in the future.
Its really not like me to be mean...really its not. But I do get a sense of satisfaction to know they are on their first day of their vacation, stuck together in the bahamas for who knows how long after reading the email I sent...where she now will know hes been telling me all along they have no relationship and shes a loser and only a little sister to him that hes worried about, that he was still telling me he loves me and him knowing that everything is completely out in the open now.
I also blocked her email, on facebook, and Ive blocked his email, texts and calls. I already know how this vacation is going to go...I dont need to hear about it from either of them. And Im serious, I do not want to hear from either of them again.
It doesnt make me feel better though....my stomach is in knots...I hate that hes a liar, that I fell for it. I hate that once again...I got fucked over and Im the one being treated like Im the one who stole her guy, when in fact....it ws the other way around...and even so...I never fucked with her, I never was a bitch about her, I had my doubts that he closed things off totally with her, but he and I werent involved anyway, so I didnt figure it any of my business who he was dating, fucking, whatever...hes with someone new all the time anwyay...I was simply just a friend, and I really believed that though it didnt work out with us...that we still loved and cared about each other and that I actually mattered.
And now, Im sitting here feeling like I have so many times before...I hate my dad for begging to have me and leaving me alone with my mom. I hate my mom for putting me through hell reminding me every chance she got that she didnt want me and would have been better off with out me. I hate that every guy Ive trusted and loved has proven her right that no one will ever want or love me. I hate that while i feel strong enough to not do something stupid like I did 10 years ago, that I feel like I only need to hold out long enough for my daughter to be on her own....and in just 4 years, Ill have no real purpose anymore, cause she that she needs me and would have no where to go without me is the only reason I havnt tried some shit like that again.
I just hate feeling this way....I hate my life right now.



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This feeling of loss is just so overwhelming right now...and it feels so silly, I do have friends and family and people who love me, yet I feel like Im totally alone.
I actually got it before I even met him and have re-read it a million times in the past 4 years.... 

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