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Thread: leaving child with grandparents

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    Default leaving child with grandparents

    how to you all feel about women who leave their children with the grandparents for a year or so while they get themselves together??

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    I don't think that's a bad thing as long as everyone agrees. What about the dad though? I have a few friends that were raised by grandparents and they turned out fine. If I have kids one of the sets of grandparents will likely watch my child while at work. I know that's not what you are talking about but I know several who have the grandparents watch the kids while the parents work.

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    I was sent to live with my grandparents for almost two years in another country. I was physically and mentally abused by my grandmother everyday. I was far away from the only people I trusted and had no one to turn to when older family members started trying to sexually abuse me. Thats my experience.

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    I think it takes a lot of courage for a parent to confess that she's not up to the task of caring for her children. I think it even takes more special grandparents to take them in. Hugs and prayers for everyone involved!

    XOXO
    Z

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    If the parent is really getting themselves together (and the grandparents provide a safe and loving home) then it's great.

    If the parent is just using the grandparents as free babysitters so she can party and pretend she doesn't have any kids, then she should just admit it to everyone and look for a permanent family for her child.

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    I read an article earlier that make my chest tight. A woman had a daughter, tried raising her for a year and gave her up for adoption because she wanted to finish school and make a life for herself. 22 years later her daughter finds her and ask to meet. The woman agreed to meet her and told her flat out, she was a mistake and wanted absolutely nothing to do with her, and she would appreciate if she didn't try and contact her again. Now that's a true heartless bitch!!! I don't know where the father was when all this happened or the grandparents, but I'm glad the woman didn't end up keeping the child because who knows what she would have done to her, just to keep the child from "ruining" her life.

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    Quote Originally Posted by MarinaTurner89 View Post
    how to you all feel about women who leave their children with the grandparents for a year or so while they get themselves together??
    Sounds to me like code for: Should a woman feel guilty about abandoning her child by dumping the child on her parents so she can go live however she wants to?

    Sorry to say it like that, but if she couldn't get her shit together when she had the child to care for, I seriously doubt that she is going to be more focused or motivated once she's relieved of the responsibility. I can easily see one year becoming 2,3,4, etc., with occasional visits or calls that will no doubt just confuse the child further.

    Idk, but IMHO, unless the mother is completely deranged or fucked up, an imperfect parent is better than no parent at all.

    Anyway, just my

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    Sounds to me like code for: Should a woman feel guilty about abandoning her child by dumping the child on her parents so she can go live however she wants to?

    Sorry to say it like that, but if she couldn't get her shit together when she had the child to care for, I seriously doubt that she is going to be more focused or motivated once she's relieved of the responsibility. I can easily see one year becoming 2,3,4, etc., with occasional visits or calls that will no doubt just confuse the child further.

    Idk, but IMHO, unless the mother is completely deranged or fucked up, an imperfect parent is better than no parent at all.

    Anyway, just my
    Your two cents came off as a bit harsh. I've seen it happen, when a mother needs a reprieve from looking after her children for a year or two while she cleans up her act and finds some stability.

    Getting your 'shit together' with little ones to look after can't be easy; especially if the mother is raising her children alone, has addiction issues or a psychological illness that needs serious long-term in-patient therapy, or if the parent has no education/steady income.

    I have a girlfriend who was looked after by her grandmother for 2 years while her mother went away to go to school. It wasn't financially feasible to take her daughter with her, it was a better arrangement to leave her with the Grandmother, she wouldn't have to change schools, locations, friend etc. It all worked out well in the end.

    If a women is just pawning her kids off to her parents due to laziness or lack of owning up to their responsibility then shame on them; but in many cases it's preferable to leaving children in a poor home environment or putting them in foster care.



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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    Quote Originally Posted by 4everresolutions View Post
    Your two cents came off as a bit harsh. I've seen it happen, when a mother needs a reprieve from looking after her children for a year or two while she cleans up her act and finds some stability.
    You know what is harsh? It is harsh when a little girl has to grow up wondering where her mommy is and why her mommy doesn't love her enough to be with her. It is harsh when that little girl sees all the other kids with their mommies, but doesn't have hers to comfort/hug/play with/care for her. THAT is harsh. The psychological damage and insecurities that may be faced by that child in the future are horrible to even think about.

    I have no sympathy for the parents in these situations, period. IMO they gave up the right to live their ideal lives the second that they brought a child into the world. Being a good parent involves a lot of sacrifice.

    Now I can see some rare instances in which someone legitimately needs to go into drug rehab or deal with some truly outlandish issues, but in the cases I have seen (and I've seen a few) the mothers that left their kids behind just went on to fuck around even more or otherwise live their lives with a free spirit unencumbered by the inconvenient children that they gave birth to.

    If this comes off as harsh then so be it. Maybe it is the fact that I am a father to two beautiful little princesses, but I just cannot imagine doing this to my child.

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    You know what is harsh? It is harsh when a little girl has to grow up wondering where her mommy is and why her mommy doesn't love her enough to be with her. It is harsh when that little girl sees all the other kids with their mommies, but doesn't have hers to comfort/hug/play with/care for her. THAT is harsh. The psychological damage and insecurities that may be faced by that child in the future are horrible to even think about.
    I went through that and worse and I did have a mother around. I wish I had caring grandparents to look after me while my mother went into a mental institution and cleaned up for 2 years. Would have been a much healthier living environment during those rough times and after. A small period of time when the kids are wondering about where mommy is is worth the psychological trauma if it means that Mommy can come home in a year and look after them properly. It's not as ideal a scenario as Mommy being able to look after them completely from the start, but it's far better than foster care or abuse/trauma/poverty brought on by the mother not getting help from family/friends/parents.

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    I have no sympathy for the parents in these situations, period. IMO they gave up the right to live their ideal lives the second that they brought a child into the world. Being a good parent involves a lot of sacrifice.
    I don't disagree that being a good parent involves sacrifice - but some people are sick and not able to make the sacrifices needed for their children. Other people are not in a situation to financially provide for their kids. Thus...they need some help to provide an ideal life, not for themselves, but for their kids. If someone again and again fails to provide a supporting, safe, loving home then they don't deserve kids.

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    Now I can see some rare instances in which someone legitimately needs to go into drug rehab or deal with some truly outlandish issues, but in the cases I have seen (and I've seen a few) the mothers that left their kids behind just went on to fuck around even more or otherwise live their lives with a free spirit unencumbered by the inconvenient children that they gave birth to.
    You must know a lot of shitty people. That would piss me off too. I'm going to assume the best of the OP though (not sure if it's about her or not), and that the woman involve actually will work on bettering herself for a year, getting a stable job, housing and has full intention of taking back full responsibility of her children.

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    If this comes off as harsh then so be it. Maybe it is the fact that I am a father to two beautiful little princesses, but I just cannot imagine doing this to my child.
    Neither could my father, who loves me completely, but you can't control all the factors around you. Mom was mentally unstable, dad took his frustrations with the relationship out with other women (Strippers, actually), mom snapped and my brother and I suffered. I said it once and I really mean it - If someone had been around to help my mother out, look after my brother and I for a year while she got the medical attention she desperatly needed; things in our life would have been much, much better. As it was I ended up on the poie at 18. Maybe if our extended family had stepped in I wouldn't be a stripper (although I am very thankful for my job...but that's another post ).

    This is why I think it can be a very good thing to have Grandparents step in and help the mother out, or if necessary completely take over the child-rearing for a few years - as long as the mother is sincere about straightening her life out. I wish I had been so fortunate.



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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    If mom is diligent about getting her life in order and does so to the best of her ability, why is it a problem? She takes her child/ren back and they continue on with their lives. In most cases there should be no long lasting damage or abadonment issues. Are the grandparents trustworthy and helping because they genuinely want to, or is it out of guilt or duty?

    Children are resilient and when they get older an look back, mom can explain further why she did what she did. Plus, she should be spending as much free time with her child and giving mom and pops a break.

    Gotta make hard choice in life sometimes. As long as the children are the top priority, it should not matter what anyone else thinks of the situation.
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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    Quote Originally Posted by PleasureVictim View Post
    Gotta make hard choice in life sometimes. As long as the children are the top priority, it should not matter what anyone else thinks of the situation.
    Good summary. Very true.



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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    Even if she is not all that comitted to getting her shit together, it may be better for the kids to be in a stable enviornment with adults who love them and provide stabiity and a normal life. I taught schol for a year on Chicagos west side, and many of the kids were being rasied by grandparents while the parents were god-knows-where. If I had to choose a hard-working grandma vs. the crackhead who delivered this former crack-baby, I'd choose grandma any day.


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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    I am gonna have to agree with Rick..being a parent IS hard and time consuming and expensive..but its also the most rewarding and joyous thing in the world (IMO) to see such love in your childs face.
    Like someone else posted is the mother needs to go to rehab or something absolutely necessary like that then fine BUT the mom shouldn't be on anything anyways because
    1..was she doing drugs while pregnant?
    2. If she was near her kids on drugs then that's just being a bad parent period and she shouldn't have had kids..no excuse.. millions of people live normal lives without the need for substances..so can a mom.
    Not trying to sound harsh but these subjects just make me mad..kids don't have a say so in things like this..its just so very sad.

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    You know what is harsh? It is harsh when a little girl has to grow up wondering where her mommy is and why her mommy doesn't love her enough to be with her. It is harsh when that little girl sees all the other kids with their mommies, but doesn't have hers to comfort/hug/play with/care for her. THAT is harsh. The psychological damage and insecurities that may be faced by that child in the future are horrible to even think about.

    I have no sympathy for the parents in these situations, period. IMO they gave up the right to live their ideal lives the second that they brought a child into the world. Being a good parent involves a lot of sacrifice.

    Now I can see some rare instances in which someone legitimately needs to go into drug rehab or deal with some truly outlandish issues, but in the cases I have seen (and I've seen a few) the mothers that left their kids behind just went on to fuck around even more or otherwise live their lives with a free spirit unencumbered by the inconvenient children that they gave birth to.

    If this comes off as harsh then so be it. Maybe it is the fact that I am a father to two beautiful little princesses, but I just cannot imagine doing this to my child.
    You know what's even harsher? Seeing other little girls play/be comforted/loved by their mommies, and wondering why your mommy beats you, tells you she hates you and that you don't deserve her love.

    I say if it needs to be done to improve the stability and mental health of everyone, put the kids where they need to be. Maybe if my mother would have given me to my father's mother while my father was at sea, things could have been different. I have to give credit where credit is due though- my dad sincerely did the best he could, and he is responsible for not only saving me from her (once he found out about it), but building me up to be who I am today.

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    I agree with some of you. I feel as long as the child is loved it shouldn't matter who raises them. It would be ideal that the parents would be stable, but sometimes it doesn't work like that. Sometimes the dad leaves for no apparent reason and no one looks down on him. Sometimes the mother really does have to get her shit together and in that case I feel as long as she's not off partying and pretending like she doesn't have a child MORE POWER TO HER. But I agree if she's just being lazy then she should be punched in the face
    Oh btw the post wasn't about me. I love my daughter more than anything in the world and I couldn't imagine being away from her for more than a couple days at a time She's only 18 months though. I know when she gets older she'll want to go off the camp and things like that, but right now I like her by my side at all times.

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    Quote Originally Posted by colleen View Post
    Even if she is not all that comitted to getting her shit together, it may be better for the kids to be in a stable enviornment with adults who love them and provide stabiity and a normal life. I taught schol for a year on Chicagos west side, and many of the kids were being rasied by grandparents while the parents were god-knows-where. If I had to choose a hard-working grandma vs. the crackhead who delivered this former crack-baby, I'd choose grandma any day.

    Exactly!!! Thankfully my biological mother gave me up for adoption because she knew she couldn't raise me and my twin, along with all my other brothers and sisters.

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    I'm not sure how women do it. I leave my son with my mom maybe twice a month when I have a lot of errands to do or she bugs and bugs and bugs me to let him sleep over. Even if it's only a night or two I miss him too much to have any fun.

    I just keep thinking about him, even though I know he's safe and I'll see him in a few hours, there's a guilt and stigma attached to a mother without her child. But for a woman struggling with addiction or chronic illness, a case where the child is truely safer and better taken care of by someone else.... that takes a lot of courage to admitt. And it must hurt like hell.

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    My biological mother/father left me with my grandparents so that my dad could go to another state for work for 2 weeks which turned into 6 months which turned into a year. I was 1 year and 6 months old when my parents faced child abandonment charges and my mother signed away her parental rights (my dad retained his, since he could prove he legitimately had work in another state). I'm so incredibly thankful for my grandparents and for the fact that they unselfishly took me in and raised me like I was their own child. My mother divorced my father and went on to have 3 more children (each by different men) one of whom is cared for by his father and one of whom was raised by my aunt (my mother's sister). The youngest is 6 months (my mother is very young. she was only 14 when I was born) and is raised by my mother. If it had not been for my wonderful grandparents who support me in everything I do, I firmly believe that I would not be here today. I think in certain cases giving a mother the time to take care of some of her needs and the time to mature some more isn't a bad thing. I grew up understanding that my mother was a child when she had me and that it took her this long to grow up. I was never envious of the other children with their mothers because grandmother was my acting mother. I never lacked love, attention, or anything for that matter. My grandfather spoiled me like daddies spoil their little girls. I always felt loved and was always well cared for. Something I strongly doubt would have been the case had I been raised by my biological parents.
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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    Quote Originally Posted by MarvelGirl View Post
    If the parent is really getting themselves together (and the grandparents provide a safe and loving home) then it's great.

    If the parent is just using the grandparents as free babysitters so she can party and pretend she doesn't have any kids, then she should just admit it to everyone and look for a permanent family for her child.
    I agree. Parenting is very hard business. Every parent in the world has moments that they wish they could leave their children with a relative to "get themselves together". If you have a serious plan and are committed to it, which will drastically improve your life and the life of the children, then it seems to have some merit. But, I suspect 9 times out of 10, the person will never "get themselves together" - they are just running away.

    My sister was a big mess 12 years ago and then she got pregnant. Actually, being a mom and facing that ENORMOUS responsibility was what forced her ass to get herself "together". She has become a very responsible person now. However, if she had pulled this stunt - leaving her daughter with the grandparents while "she got herself together" - she would be a way bigger mess today and would have NEVER ever pulled herself "together". That child saved her. (Of course my parents did offer a LOT of help along the way and continue to do so.)
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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    I can think of very few reasons why a mother needs to completely abondon her child while she is "getting it together." Now serious drug addicitions or severe mental illnesses are understandable, particularly where institutionalization is involved, but anything else smells a lot like bullshit.

    Many mothers have raised their children while poor and there are an infinite number of social programs (foodstamps, WIC, housing assistance, welfare, state sponsored health insurance for kids, discounted and/or free school lunch programs, etc.) that help make this possible. Single mothers are also obviously eligible for child support. Many single mothers also live with, or otherwise receive help from, their parents, all while continuing to care for their children. Many single parents also go to school or take classes, something made even easier by the plethora of online university offering nowadays.

    I've seen this "I need to leave to improve myself" nonsense play out a few times and never did the mother come back "improved." Hell, for the most part they didn't come back much at all, but rather just enough to fuck up their kids' heads once in a while. It seems that, in their quests for continuing improvement, every so often they felt the need to reconnect with their children. Their selfishness clearly had no limits.

    If you don't want your kids, then just give them up to someone who does and give them a chance at a normal life. There are many childless couples, with their shit together, who would kill to have what so many of these selfish mothers squander.

    And for those that said that their mothers abused them and that they would have preferred to be with their grandparents, I cannot blame you. But that just makes your mothers horrible and selfish people too, just for different reasons.
    Last edited by rickdugan; 06-02-2011 at 12:53 PM.

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    ^My mother, at that point, was a very, very SICK woman, not necessarily a horrible, selfish person.



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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    ^^ My mother is a selfish, sick, twisted plague on the earth. The world would be a better place if she would blow her own brains out, but I'm not that lucky.

    I think the most important thing is STABILITY, and LOVE for a child. If you can provide those two... you're doing a lot better than most. Whatever the situation may be, if those are the resources being gathered for the kid- I say do what needs to be done.

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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    I left my daughter with her memaw and pepaw for 3 months at one point, while my husband was deployed, so I could finish my Teacher education program. Yes, I could have done it with my daughter here, but then I would have needed a consistent, reliable, trustworthy sitter, and I much rathered she be with grandparents who love her and whom I could trust no matter what.

    The next time my husband was deployed, Memaw came and lived with us to help out while I was just starting teaching.

    Again, I could have done it without Memaw around, but it was much easier with her here. And she was more than willing to do it.

    I am just thankful I have a mother-in-law like that. She offered the help, and I accepted. It really is not so different from having a grandparent live in town and me dropping off my daughter there. At least unlike many people, I am not a drunk or drug addict. I was legitimately trying to finish my B.A. and get a job. Many people with children just drop off their kids with sitters and grandparents so they can go party.
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    Default Re: leaving child with grandparents

    A lot of the posters on this thread are assuming that the mother actaully COULD be a good mother, but is just UNWILLING to be. I think that is very poor logic. There are many many women in this world who never should have been mothers, but who became mothers anyway. you can argue they should have used birth control/kept thier legs crossed/had an abortion/.whatever but the fact is, they didnt. For whatever reason.

    Whether they are too immature, abusive, self-absorbed, personality-disordred, whatever--there are lots of women on this earth who have no business being mothers, but who managed to drop a kid anyway.

    So for the sake of any kid who lost the mommy-lottery, I say let 'em go live with someone who has the resources to care for them properly and give them the emotional support they need.

    As for the mothers who, after a period of time trying to play mommy and say to themselves, "I just cant do this," good on them. Even if their primary motivation is to free themselves up for a life surfing on the beach or being a lifetime groupie or some other ridiculous, irresponsible lifestyle, Good on them for letting go, for not letting pride or fear or other people's judgement stop them from releasing their kid to a better situation.

    Why on earth would you want to shame a woman into keeping a kid with her, that she knows in her heart she doesnt want or cant handle? How does that benefit anyone?


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