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    Default bf advice

    i have to be blunt. my bf is driving me CRAZY. he does a lot for me, don't get me wrong, but i am just feeling neglected.

    i haven't had a job since...07/08, not for lack of trying, went back to school, graduated with a massage degree last year, passed my licensure exam, but haven't gotten my license because it's $200 (where the dancing is supposed to be coming in) anyway, my two girls and i live with him, the youngest is his, he got me a car and pays for everything, house, gas, etc...so he does a lot for us...problem is...he parties ALL the time. we are both really into edm, and we used to travel to events TOGETHER even after i wasn't working, we would go to WMC every year and stuff. well, that has long since stopped. HE keeps on going, but i'm stuck here ALL THE TIME. it's just really pissing me off. he travels for work during the week, i get that, but every fkn weekend he is off to miami, orlando, denver, ny, california, and now EDC VEGAS!!! not to mention he's planning a solo trip to spain. i'm just really sore about this. am i out of line here??? after i found about his vegas trip i called him and we started fighting about it...my thing is he could sacrifice some of the trips, and we could BOTH go instead of being so selfish. but he says it's not his problem i don't have a job, ergo, no cash to travel with him, and that I am being selfish. my thing is i am his freaking personal assistant, plus a full time mom. (i do admit i am a shitty house keeper though, i don't know if it is my add or what, but i have a hard time keeping shit uncluttered, toys, clothes, etc) ...i mean...edc vegas is coming up in another week or so. i really want to go. and i feel really ...just GRRRRRRR towards him. i just want really neutral advice...like from people not friends with either of us...what do you think? am i in the wrong? please keep in mind, i hardly EVER get to go out, even to the grocery store ALONE. going out partying is even more rare.
    anyway, thanks for the input.
    <3

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    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: bf advice

    it doesnt sound much like a bf/gf situation.......

    sounds like he pays you for being a nanny.

    You are using him to pay for your food/shelter/clothing and for your kid(that isnt his). Your job on the other hand is to take care of the house and kids.

    He doesnt care enough about you to sacrifice any of his fun or travel, in order to take you or spend more time with you. It doesnt sound like he is gonna be much of a dad to either of your kids......

    so imo, your job is to be a good mother. Yes, you are going to sacrifice a lot of what YOU want to do, but that is what happens when you have young children. THEY come first.

    When they get to school age, then you can get work and earn money for yourself. Because, like most employers, it doesnt seem like your bf cares if you have any fun or not.......just that you do your job.

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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: bf advice

    To an extent, I have to agree with your bf that it's not his problem if you don't have a job and the money to go on trips. Once I start working again next month, I plan to really hit it hard and start traveling fairly often (not like every month, but a few times a year - most will be striptrips, so work related, but still to fun places, and I really want to go on a cruise), and I honestly don't see my bf coming with me. Not because I wouldn't love to have him along, and I plan to go to fun places that he would probably enjoy, but because I know he won't have the money to travel, and I don't feel like I should be paying for him to come along all the time. Every once in awhile, for a shorter, cheaper trip, sure. But it's my hard-earned money, and if I want to go have fun with it, I shouldn't have to either a) pay his way for expensive things like that or b) just not go so his feelings don't get hurt.

    Think about how much trips cost - would you want to pay your way and the entire expenses of another person? Plus a babysitter? If not, would you want to just not go indefinitely until maybe someday hopefully that person gets a job and has the money, all the while resenting that you can't go?

    If it was your specific arrangement that you were to be a stay-at-home-mother/housekeeper and not worry about a job, then, yes, if he wants to take trips, he should bring you. That's the arrangement - you take care of the house and he pays for you, even if he wants to take a trip. But if the idea was always that you would start working eventually and it's still not happening, it's not his responsibility to dish out money to have you tag along every time he wants to go somewhere. Granted, it shouldn't be every week/month that he's jetting off to other places, but that's more an issue of why does he want to get away so often - not so much why won't he pay for you to go...

    I understand your frustration, but look at it from your bf's POV - he's probably equally frustrated that he spends so much money to take care of you and the kids, and has dished out money for trips for you in the past, and you still don't have any job (I know it's tough, but even picking up a mediocre-paying part-time job could give you your own fun money without relying on him), and he's probably out bitching to his friends "Why does she think I should pay for her to go everywhere with me when I already support every other aspect of her life? Why doesn't she have a job already?" Not trying to attack you, but I guarantee that's where his line of thought is. He paid your way on trips for several years and is probably just sick of it.

    However, I will grant you that when he's not out traveling, he shouldn't be out partying every weekend and leaving you alone. He should take you with him or stay home with you - or better yet, every once in awhile, it would be nice of him to take the kids so you can go out and party and relax and have some time to yourself. I would honestly try to win that battle first, and if the fun-trips are way too often, focus the conversation on why he wants to get away so often, not why he won't bring you - that seems like the bigger issue here.
    Last edited by Aurora_Sunset; 06-08-2011 at 03:40 PM.

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    Default Re: bf advice

    I agree with Aurora, 100%.

    At the same time, I feel that there are other ways that your bf can make you feel special. He doesnt have to take you out on one of his trips. It could just mean spending time with you, going for a date or out to dinner. Lots of ways to make a girl feel special without having to drop too much money. It's not much of a relationship if he's not investing any time or effort into it.

    So I would start there. Get him to take you out for a night, away from the kids. That's definitely something that good bfs should be doing. It might even make him rediscover how much he likes your company, and pave the way for him inviting you to one of his trips.

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    Default Re: bf advice

    That is what my marriage was like. For me it was important to be at home with my daughter, but I didn't realize my ex would look at it as, he makes money so I have no say-so in our house. I didn't like it so I left with my baby girl.

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    Default Re: bf advice

    LOL @ lem, I NEVER thought of it like before but yeh, sometimes it DOES feel that way hahahaha
    and @ aurora and desk... Thank you! That is all I needed to hear. Especially coming from a fem perspective. Im not happy per se, but your words are grounding.
    And loki, ooohhhh girl, sometimes I think I want to leave, but I really dont. I do love him and he does love me. I have just been waking up on the bitch side of bed since I heard about this new trip
    Hahaha. My thing is just, I wouldnt and didnt (when I was working) plan solo trips but not everyone is that way. What I am thinking is maby I shouldnt take it as personally as I have been. I mean the way aurora says it, it kinda makes sense. Thanks for the input!!! <3

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    Default Re: bf advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    ...focus the conversation on why he wants to get away so often, not why he won't bring you - that seems like the bigger issue here.
    Actually do both. I'm surprised he travels so much considering. It would make me wonder if he's not cheating or something. What the hell! Why wouldn't he want you to come with him on these trips. We all need a break. I don't think it's fair and I would be pissed as hell if he kept leaving me home again with the kids.

    If he truly loved you, putting money aside, he should have no problems footing the bill for your trips. If he's trying to get away with his boys all the time something's up. At least that's what I would be thinking. He's not single, but it sounds like he's swinging a single lifestyle. I'm just saying.

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    Default Re: bf advice

    He insists it's just a money issue. I honestly don't think there's any hanky panky. Im just because it seems selfishto me and yeah, a BREAK from the children woukd be fab. We talked last night about planning a couples trip to Hawaii. Like he let me pick the destination and the activities. Were mostly cool. Im just having a hard time digesting this. He thinks this is his only chance to do alll this party stuff because next year he may not be able to. Or something. I dont understand his logic. Apparently its some promise he made to himself. I think hes just being a tool personally, like a band groupie. When youre over 24/25...it really looks lame. But whatever. Im def not gonna be broke forever. And turn about is fair play.

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    God/dess laurielegs's Avatar
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    Default Re: bf advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Dizzygurl View Post
    He insists it's just a money issue. I honestly don't think there's any hanky panky. Im just because it seems selfishto me and yeah, a BREAK from the children woukd be fab. We talked last night about planning a couples trip to Hawaii. Like he let me pick the destination and the activities. Were mostly cool. Im just having a hard time digesting this. He thinks this is his only chance to do alll this party stuff because next year he may not be able to. Or something. I dont understand his logic. Apparently its some promise he made to himself. I think hes just being a tool personally, like a band groupie. When youre over 24/25...it really looks lame. But whatever. Im def not gonna be broke forever. And turn about is fair play.
    I'm guessing he won't be as understanding as you are when/if the tables are turned.

    Traveling during the week plus gone every weekend?

    Sounds really like he does not value time with you at all. Just that one thing would be a total deal-breaker for me.

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    Default Re: bf advice

    IIf I didnt have kids, it most likely would be. Why would I sit home alone with my imaginary boyfriend? No thank you. Stuff just gets kinda complicated when there's other peoples' lives and tiny futures involved. ;(

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    God/dess laurielegs's Avatar
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    Default Re: bf advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Dizzygurl View Post
    IIf I didnt have kids, it most likely would be. Why would I sit home alone with my imaginary boyfriend? No thank you. Stuff just gets kinda complicated when there's other peoples' lives and tiny futures involved. ;(
    I definitely understand!

    I hope you find a way to make the best of it somehow if you can't move on yet.

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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: bf advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Dizzygurl View Post
    He insists it's just a money issue. I honestly don't think there's any hanky panky. Im just because it seems selfishto me and yeah, a BREAK from the children woukd be fab. We talked last night about planning a couples trip to Hawaii. Like he let me pick the destination and the activities. Were mostly cool. Im just having a hard time digesting this. He thinks this is his only chance to do alll this party stuff because next year he may not be able to. Or something. I dont understand his logic. Apparently its some promise he made to himself. I think hes just being a tool personally, like a band groupie. When youre over 24/25...it really looks lame. But whatever. Im def not gonna be broke forever. And turn about is fair play.
    I really didn't think it looked like cheating anyway... it just seemed like he was going overboard on the fun and I wondered why...

    He made a "promise to himself" to what?? Quit partying when he reached a certain age? That is really dumb. It's not like once you hit a certain age, you can't travel anymore. He could take a couple months off. Maybe he's seeing all his friends getting married and settling down and thinks "oh no! I better party with them while I can!" ??? No idea, his logic does sound stupid lol

    Once you get back on your feet, you should start planning all the fabulous places you want to go. If he's all "partied out" - well, he can't blame you for going without him. He "promised himself" to be done lol

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    Default Re: bf advice

    He is so fucking selfish that this is pissing me off! This is so unfair to you- basicallly, this guy is living the life every man dreams of- which is basically having his cake and eat it too. This guy is not taking responsibility of his life decisions- which is having a family. He decided to be with YOU so he has take care of YOU instead of running out on you like this!! He is totally neglecting you and not holding up his bargain. And what about his children?!? He's abandoning them TOO!! Just because he pays for everything doesnt mean he has to treat you like shit.

    He is robbing you of your life and then youre the one whos gonna end up like one of those people who party in their 60s because they couldnt do it in their 20-30, and start having a VERY LATE mid life crisis- total social outcast and your kids will be embarresed of you.

    I'd say hang on for a bit and milk him while you can untill you can get on your own feet til you get your own job, friends, events etc- try leaving his ass with the kids for a week and see how it feels. Because let's face it- he has the upper hand here aka the money and yes, money powerful.

    Once you get your indepenece back, he sure as hell will change his behavior!
    Last edited by JoJoX; 06-13-2011 at 09:10 PM.

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    Default Re: bf advice

    This bf has total control and that would be a very uncomfortable situation. If only u could bring some money in and feel like u were standing on ur own two feet...Maybe he would feel threatened if u did find a job.

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    Default Re: bf advice

    First of all, I'm in the exact situation as you except I'm your bf.
    My hub just got out the MC. He doesn't have the money to travel with me to Ultra, EDC Orlando, EDC Vegas, etc. Its expensive. I paid his way for Ultra but like EDC Vegas is super expensive and I shouldn't have to put my plans and finances on the line to pay someone elses way. What you need to do is get a job and chip in for these trips. They are fun, yes. They are a great bonding experience, hell yes but you should chip in. Its not just a ticket to the event which is usually $200, it's also the plane tickets, the hotel, the water/drinks/food at the event, the food outside the event. I mean, these EDM festivals are expensive! Usually I spend at the very least 1-2grand per trip JUST ON ME. Its not fair to me to have to pay for someone else's plane tickets, event tickets, food, hotel, etc. Get a job. Work hard, you can play harder. I understand you stay home with the kids, fine. Pick up some babysitting. You just need a little extra cash to chip in and I'm sure he would love to have you go with him again. I absolutly HATE leaving my hub behind but I mean, its expensive. These parties are some of the biggest events in the US. Ultra & EDC Vegas are the biggest raves in the US. Its not fair that I shoud stay home just because he doesnt have the funds to go and he gets that. I want nothing more then to have him come. I have more fun when he is there but I'm not footing the bill to party. This is not a NEED, this is a WANT. Figure out a way to make some extra money. You have about 2 weeks and buy a plane ticket and go to EDC Vegas. When theres a will, theres a way. See you there.


    PS/sorry if this sounded harsh. I'm actually in this situation so my opinion is more passionate then others might be.

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    Default Re: bf advice

    You just found out about this new trip but like did you really think a huge EDM fan would NOT go to EDC Vegas? I mean you didn't know about EDC or something? You say you are into EDM but didn't know about EDC Vegas?
    I don't think he is cheating for the simple fact that he is there for the music. Thats why I go. I have zero interest in the guys or girls there. I'm there for the music and that's that. Its worth it to me. You really need some way to bring in some money. Even if you're not paying 50/50, he will appreciate the effort and more than likely foot whatever amount of the bill you can't afford.

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    Default Re: bf advice

    Ohmygawd Ariel LOL I swear I dont live under a rock! Nonono, thesr events are not suprising, specially not Miami! But the thing is he says he wont go and the last min go! For instance, orlando, he was berating this event sayibg it was gonna be busted and then lsat minute after everyone else was talkwd out of gong,he decided to go. And the vegas one, last I heard he was talking about us BOTH going, then two days later I found outfrom a friend that he booked a solo trip. I had to call him while he in car on way to atl to.see above and beyond to find out whst was going. I totally respect everyone who says they are on the reverse sitch and they still party w/o so...it has calmed me down a lot. But fact is, im his personal assistant and full time mom and even though I dont work a jobby job, I put it in as many hours if not more and I feel I deserve a nice weekend trip out. But I mean, you DO have a point, you work hard for YOUR money and these trips ARE expensive. But why go to every fucking one. He flew out to la to pvd sat nite. He could do one big trip a month.we could both do instead of big trips EVERY FKN WEEKEND. I feel it is selfish. But hopefully i will see u.there! Im.trying to.get up a carpool because I thinkfor me it would make it more affordable

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    Default Re: bf advice

    And YEEEEEEEEAAAHH JOJO when I get some money,its on like donkey kong!

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    Default Re: bf advice

    So pissed again, bf booked ten day trip to Ibiza today. He said I can go if I can pay, I said let me dance, ill come up with 3k in mo time, he said no. im mad as fucking hell. Plus, hes been lying to me about who he is staying with. Weve been together five years...we both love to party...but enough is enough. Im teetering right on the fence of giving him his papers. You say you want me to go...i say I cam come up w the cash by stripping...but thats not good enough bc u dont want to share me??! Fuck I been sharing him with every rave imaginable! Once again mad as hell...just venting...and undecided. These r trips he just books. No talking about it...i had to snoop around to fond out and confront him...ladies, I am livid.

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    Default Re: bf advice

    Ariel, input...you seem to be in a good place to give advice, u like edm, have a jobless bf...am I overreacting???

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    Default Re: bf advice

    Honestly I don't see how a man could treat a woman he loves that way. Something is very wrong there.

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    Default Re: bf advice

    If I had a live in GF there is no way I would be so inconsiderate to go to Spain on vacation by myself. Especially when your having a hard time financially. It just sounds really selfish. Best Wishes.

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    Default Re: bf advice

    Quote Originally Posted by laurielegs View Post
    Honestly I don't see how a man could treat a woman he loves that way. Something is very wrong there.
    1000 times this. This is his girlfriend and the mother of his young child. They are not on equal footing as she bears the brunt of the child rearing while he's flying around the world living one big party. WTF? Where is his relationship commitment? Why does he want to be away from his child and GF so much?

    And btw, there is no altruism involved in his having her live in his home either. No doubt that he knows that it is probably far cheaper just to keep her in his house than it would be if they lived apart and she rang his bell for child support, which in some states can be as much as 25% of a man's net income for the first child.

    Dizzy, I am sorry to say it this way but this treatment is unacceptable - period.
    Last edited by rickdugan; 06-15-2011 at 08:43 AM.

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    Default Re: bf advice

    Actually now that you say he's going away just see small gigs too like PVD in LA & A&B in ATL. That's extremely rediculous. I can understand Ultra & EDC but not little gigs like that. He's a little too in over his head in my opinion. && Ibiza by himself? I would never go by myself. And my hub just finally got a job. He got his scheadule today. He asked me to pay for his flight to EDC and he will pay me when he gets his check so I'm taking him. .
    && something that bothers me is he won't take you because you don't have the money (understandable) but he wont let you do what you gotta do to be able to afford to go? I don't like that. That's not fair.

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    Default Re: bf advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Dizzygurl View Post
    So pissed again, bf booked ten day trip to Ibiza today. He said I can go if I can pay, I said let me dance, ill come up with 3k in mo time, he said no. im mad as fucking hell. Plus, hes been lying to me about who he is staying with. Weve been together five years...we both love to party...but enough is enough. Im teetering right on the fence of giving him his papers. You say you want me to go...i say I cam come up w the cash by stripping...but thats not good enough bc u dont want to share me??! Fuck I been sharing him with every rave imaginable! Once again mad as hell...just venting...and undecided. These r trips he just books. No talking about it...i had to snoop around to fond out and confront him...ladies, I am livid.
    Every weekend away is ridiculous. He doesn't necessarily have to pay for your trips but he needs to cut his trips waaaay back. If not, he's just being selfish. Even if you did have the money to pay for going with him, would you even want to go away and leave the kids as often as he does? Probably not - he's running out way too often. And if he wants you to get a job and start paying your own way, he's in no position to veto your job choice. I can't stand guys who say "no, you can't do this job" anyway - umm... when did your job become his decision? Personally, this would be the breaking point for me. This is starting to sound like a power trip - he wants to take trips all the time, won't take you because you can't pay for them, but won't let you work a job that would let you pay for them.... very controlling. Honestly, I think you should start dancing anyway (hell, if he's gone so often, how will he even know?) and start saving everything so you can leave him and move out on your own asap. You've talked to him, he won't curb the partying; there's no honest communication on his part; and he now thinks he can tell you that you're not allowed to go make good money. As much as I may agree with some of his logic regarding paying, I have to agree more with the people who think he's a tool. You should do what you want and leave to find better.

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