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Thread: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

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    Veteran Member AriahsPariah's Avatar
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    Default I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

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    Last edited by AriahsPariah; 06-09-2011 at 03:38 AM. Reason: No need to have my personal issues posted for more than a few hours.
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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Dump his ass. Why you are allowing this freeloading druggie lazy ass to do nothing while you pay the bills and clean up is stupid. No other choice really unless you like being used.

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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    I'm sorry about your situation=( Do you have friends you could stay with? Or...do you have friends that need a place to stay?

    I did the same thing--working 6-7 nights a week supporting my stupid husband and his family of moochers (who were supposed to be helping me out--babysitting but of course I was the one who would get up 2 hours after coming home to cook, clean, take care of the baby, and so on). I tried for ages to save money to move out but he would steal any money I kept in the house and use all of the money in bank accts he had access to for shopping, and food for his friends/family, and nights out and so the money I had been slowly squandering away was always used for rent and bills. I finally got tired of it and had a few of my friends move in. Ahead of time I okayed it with the landlord so there wouldn't be any legal dispute. We managed to get rid of everyone and in one night moved them (friends) in and the moochers' stuff outside. We also changed all of the locks. Alot of people would suggest you move--but other than the obvious financial reasons I found that it was alot easier for me to say to my ex and the rest of his mooching family 'sorry, I don't have any room for you anymore--and my roommates do not appreciate people whom aren't paying rent being here'. It was also good to have roommates there bcause he would come over all the time, and it gave me an excuse to not let him in--
    I don't know if any of that makes any sense, I hope it does=)

    Good luck with everything. Believe me, you are better off without him. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but I really don't think it is right when men sit on their asses all day and expect women to support them.
    KIT^^
    Last edited by ZePeanut; 06-08-2011 at 09:29 PM.

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    Senior Member Candy Girl's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    I understand your sense of responsibility for him cuz you love him.

    But time to cut the cord. Stage an intervention and get him into rehab.

    Do it with love -- tell him you're sorry for enabling him. Then move on.

    I'm not saying you enabled him, I just find telling men what they wanna hear, i.e. you're to blame helps the medicine go down.

    Be safe most of all. Men have egos & tempers; add drug dependence and you're playing with C4 explosives.
    Smoke good, eat good. Drink and f*** good. Comin' to the club, stuntin' how you should. My s*** on fire I don't need no gasolina. I'm comin through the block with the new two seater. Cash rules everything around me -- C.R.E.A.M. -- get the money! Dollar dollar bill, y'all!!! FREEZE!!! You know who it is!!! It's me *****es!!! Showtime!!! -Swizz Beats

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    God/dess DesuvsDeath's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    It sounds like you've both made some bad decisions, but it's time to move on.
    You aren't going to be able to get yourself off of drugs and move forward with your life while living with a drug addict who has no interest is stopping.

    You don't have to kick him out on the street, give him a month's warning to find a job or a place to stay or send him to rehab... but you can't keep supporting him out of guilt... and you need to get yourself out of this situation so you can get off drugs like you've been trying to do.
    He helped you and your family at the beginning of your relationship... I'd say that the years of supporting him have more than payed him back. He agreed to get off drugs, he has no intention of doing so... so you shouldn't feel like you need to keep holding your end of the bargain and supporting him.
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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    God/dess sammii's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Quote Originally Posted by AriahsPariah View Post
    In addition to this story, I visited the Dr. for back pain a couple months back and I was prescribed pain medicine. He took all the pills, except for the few I took for my pain.
    Wow, this is kind of fucked up. Dump his ass. I hope you didn't let him take them; you can't enable him or he will keep taking advantage of you.

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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Quote Originally Posted by AriahsPariah View Post
    I have spent thousands of dollars on him and I have not received anything back. He tells me that when he signs his record contract that it will all be worth it to me at the end. He doesn't help out around our place and barely offers to cook me meals. When I ask him to help out he gives me a sigh. You'd think that after all I've done for him this is the least he can do to repay me. He is living rent free, I pay his bills, I clean after him, I feed him, I buy him video games, I give him gas money, I give him money to rent a room to practice with his band. All day he watches TV, plays video games, smokes weed and practices music. I do not know what to do or how to put up with his ways. I'm going insane.
    Um... then DON'T put up with his ways. I know it's a lot easier to say dump someone than to actually do it, but what is this relationship providing you? If the answer is nothing, you're probably just sticking around out of a sense of loyalty - regardless of what someone has done for you in the past, it's not a reason to put up with their bullshit in the present. It's not "credit" that they get to live on like jackasses for several years. He's hindering your ability to stay clean yourself and be able to move on to a more fulfilling and healthy life. You should want what's best for you and if he truly loves you, he should want the same. He's clearly not what's best for you, so feel no remorse for kicking him to the curb.

    Issue an ultimatum that he go to rehab and get over his drug habits or get out now. If you can't handle the thought of just kicking him out immediately, tell him he has X amount of days to find a new place - then stand by your word - stay at a friend's for those days if you really can't handle him begging you to change your mind, and tell him he better be gone by the time you get back. If he's not, don't feel bad about kicking him out. It's not a bad thing to feel like you should take care of the less fortunate, but you should not be killing yourself to take care of someone who doesn't even respect themselves enough to seek help. He's living in a fantasy world of "making it big and paying you back" that will never happen, and he won't leave that fantasy, so you need to be the realistic one and get out now!

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    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Here are some signs that a guy you're with is a loser....

    1-He is over the age of 26 and has never lived on his own, and instead has always lived with, and been completely supported by someone else....parents, older relatives, mooched off of girlfriends, or the like.

    2-He has not had a job in over 6 months and has not seriously looked for one; and/or has had a series of low-paying jobs from which he's been let go, or drifted in to and out of for various reasons...especially been fired from. His career, or lack of, is defined by not being able to hold a job and it's never his fault...the manager didn't like him, or they couldn't understand why he showed up late, or there was too much bullshit that he had to go through. His maturity level has prevented him from being steadily employed

    3-He spends an inordinate amount of time playing video games. He'd rather spend Friday night and Saturday afternoon playing video games than taking you out somewhere to do something fun.

    4-He has a baby from some other girl, and was never married to her. This is especially true if he does nothing to support that child and/or has no regular plan to see the child.

    5-He has no money saved up at all, or at least has no plan for saving money, and doesn't care at all.

    6-He has no clear direction in life and doesn't seem to care about this. He lacks any sort of ambition. He has no clear, realistic dreams about making a better life for himself, and, obviously, for you.

    7-Your family and friends tell you he's a loser, or that they don't like him.

    8-He smokes a lot of pot. Or does a lot of any drugs. Drugs are a large part of his life. He thinks the term "420" or pictures of pot leaves are cool.


    9-You pay for everything. Or most things. Or really, he doesn't pay for 80% of things. He lives at your place and doesn't pay any rent or anything. He is a freeloader.

    10-And, of course, there are some baseline things that are obvious....he's abusive, he's controlling/jealous, he tries to isolate you from your friends/family, he tries to tell you what to do all the time.

    11-He does not have good manners around you, your family, and your friends. Does he open doors for you? Does he do little things to show that he cares about you? Does he say please and thank you? Does he have any sense of chivalry?

    and I'm going to add one...

    12-He has unrealistic goals...he just needs to get his rap demo seen by a record company, or his stint as a drummer/musician is just around the corner from taking off....or the like....and this has been the case for a substantial amount of time.

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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Quote Originally Posted by Candy Girl View Post
    I understand your sense of responsibility for him cuz you love him.

    But time to cut the cord. Stage an intervention and get him into rehab.

    Do it with love -- tell him you're sorry for enabling him. Then move on.

    I'm not saying you enabled him, I just find telling men what they wanna hear, i.e. you're to blame helps the medicine go down.

    Be safe most of all. Men have egos & tempers; add drug dependence and you're playing with C4 explosives.
    Even if you don't leave him completely, if you don't get him into rehab you may end up eventually burying him.

    I can tell you do care about him but you need to use tough love, which may or may not work, but if you don't at least try and stop enabling him he's likely a goner anyway and he may even pull you down along with him.

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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Quote Originally Posted by AriahsPariah View Post
    Do you have any experience dealing with situations similar to this? I'm at the end of my rope here. All your thoughts and responses are encouraged and greatly appreciated.

    Thank you for reading.
    This story is one I hear time and time again. My own problem is alcohol, however I'm now long-term in Recovery and work as a D&A Rehab Counsellor. So this is 'from the horse's mouth' as it were.

    I'm going to fairly blunt Sweetie - there are plenty of signs that this guy is dragging you down - they've been listed above - but the fact that he's gotten you addicted to hard-core gear should be enough to get you running out of the door.....not to mention the thousands of dollars you have squandered on him - and his behaviour around his family.

    His is a drug story that's so common they have made movies out of it -struggling musicians hoping to hit the big time - but not gigging or hustling to get there, just staying at home getting stoned - or going out and getting stoned - all on the back of a girlfriend who foots the bills.

    It's difficult for me to say what I'm going to tell you - because I can see this problem from his point of view as the 'suffering addict' as well.....BUT......LEAVE HIM. As long as you stay with him then all the Rehab and second chances in the world will fail. The only person he is interested in, is himself. It's time you did the same - but for different reasons.

    Get out Honey - it's the only way you'll get your life back - really.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "Good Girls keep diaries....Bad Girls don't have the time..!!"

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    Veteran Member AriahsPariah's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Thank you everyone for all your input. It means a lot to me. Like what a couple of you advised, I will be giving him an ultimatum of shaping up or having him leave if he does not show improvement. Thank you all , again.
    "Do what thou wilt..."-Crowley

    http://exoticallyneurotic.blogspot.com/

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    Veteran Member BeBe's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Quote Originally Posted by AriahsPariah View Post
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. We have both seen each other at our best and at our absolute worst...I wanted to see where life would take me, not knowing I'd be ending up in a big hellhole...I'm at the end of my rope here...
    Are you really? It sounds to me like you've been at this place before, but for some reason you're still stuck in the same dysfunctional cycle of waiting for a man's dreams to come to fruition.

    The bottom line is, he's using you as a doormat and you're allowing him to walk all over you. Do you want this behavior to continue or do you want to free yourself of this burden and start living your life for you?

    I've been an enabler myself and honestly when you enable a loved one you're actually not helping them. Your loving getures and acts of kindness are actually hindering that other person because they will come to expect that support, not appreciate it. They will also come to depend on that support and not be able to help themselves.

    Repeat after me, you are not obligated to this man and grown folks need to take care of grown folks. You have babied this man for long enough and allowed him to squander away your resources.

    Who do you love more, you or him? Cause right now it doesn't sound like you love you all that much. You need to get healing and get rid of your guilt. You don't owe this man a thing. You owe yourself everything.

    You need to fight to take your life back. So, what does that mean? I dunno. What do you want out of life? What are trying to do that this relationship is hindering? Focus on that first and everything that you do should be to work towards your goal to succeed, not his.

    This is a hard road we walk, but you can do bad by yourself. If you truly love him, you need to cut him off. You need to let him stand on his own two feet. You need to separate, for his sake and yours. If your love is meant to be, you'll get back together, but for now, it's no good. Your relationship has turned sour and has weakened and robbed you of your peace of mind and your strength.

    Wean him off of your support slowly if that helps you sleep better at night. The end result should be, however, for him to be out of your life until he has proven himself worthy of your time, worth of your respect, and worthy of your love...

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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Ok Im Back I said to my dancing girl friend if we ever go our separate ways, I would never let her have a realtionship with that type of shit. Her GF has a BF in jail for drug shit.
    I said to her no way I will ever let you date a felon or any one on probation shit.

    It seems its common in this profession .

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    Veteran Member BeBe's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Quote Originally Posted by AriahsPariah View Post
    Thank you everyone for all your input. It means a lot to me. Like what a couple of you advised, I will be giving him an ultimatum of shaping up or having him leave if he does not show improvement. Thank you all , again.
    No! No ultimatums! It's going on 4 years. Stop it! Stop, making excuses for this man and feeling sorry for him. Leave him and move on with your life.

    This relationship is cancerous and cancer spreads and kills all that it comes into contact with. The only healing for cancer is treatment. Without treatment, you don't survive and treatment for you is distance.

    You need to distance yourself from him and his problems and you need to take your life back and focus on you. That's it! Talk to any health care professional and they'll tell you the same thing. Stop playing with fire, you've already been burned.

    You obviously haven't hit rock bottom yet because if you did, he would have already been gone. He's already had time to straighten up, but he never will riding your coat tails. He will never be the man you want and need because you're enabling him to be successful. You're enabling him to depend on you. You're enabling him to need your support.

    That's not healing and whatever you're trying to do with him will be a temporary fix. It won't work. It can't work, unless there's a serious intervention and you can't give him that he needs to get it for himself. He needs to walk this road alone. Let him go!

    Best of luck to you.
    Last edited by BeBe; 06-09-2011 at 05:22 AM.

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    Featured Member pussyinboots's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Quote Originally Posted by AriahsPariah View Post
    Thank you everyone for all your input. It means a lot to me.
    Like what a couple of you advised, I will be giving him an ultimatum of shaping up or having him leave if he does not show improvement. Thank you all , again.
    No....sorry babes.....wrong (see 'BeBe' above).

    If you do that, you'll just give him the benefit of the doubt - and it will show him that you still tacitly approve of what he's doing and that you still support his actions. He'll just string you along and milk you dry in the process.

    It's absolutely time that you got some courage - bite your lip - and GET OUT - NOW.

    My best wishes in whatever you do.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "Good Girls keep diaries....Bad Girls don't have the time..!!"

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    God/dess Trem's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Don't give him a damn ultimatum, freaking LEAVE.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Quote Originally Posted by bizmor View Post
    Ok Im Back I said to my dancing girl friend if we ever go our separate ways, I would never let her have a realtionship with that type of shit. Her GF has a BF in jail for drug shit.
    I said to her no way I will ever let you date a felon or any one on probation shit.

    It seems its common in this profession .
    Hey Bizmor you are back! Have you met Brigham? He seems like your perfect buddy.

  30. #18
    God/dess DesuvsDeath's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Seems like you already gave him an ultimatum... and then he stole your pain killers in response.
    Clearly an ultimatum isn't going to work.


    I think this is a clear case of someone who doesn't want to leave the person they're with and is being unrealistic about things as a result.
    She knows she should leave... everyone's told her she should leave... but she isn't ready to and isn't going to do it.
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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    Default Re: I'm supporting my boyfriend+his drug habit

    Strip clubs replaced live music in a big way. Now you're supporting a musician?
    That makes no sense at all.

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