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Thread: conundrum-- when to advise a friend and when to shut up.

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    God/dess Athenathefabulous's Avatar
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    Default conundrum-- when to advise a friend and when to shut up.

    Ok, so i have a friend of mine who plays/manages a band (i.e. he is the guy who is in charge and does all the work of getting them booked etc). he left to go traveling with the expectation when he returned that the reigns would be handed back to him.

    Anyway, i hear from another good friend (the music community down here is very tightknit... they share a mutual bandmate) that friend#1 might not be getting this band back. i guess everyone in friend#1s band is very close buddy buddy, except friend#1. friend #1 demands more rehearsals than the band is happy with and doesnt interact with them completely on a friendly level. However, to his credit, friend#1 is responsible for getting this bands name out in the local scene.

    But basically, what i hear, is there is a sizeable chance that his band might not let him back in when he returns in a couple of months.

    what do i do? on one hand, im a loyal friend. on the other hand, i am not sure what good telling him this could do. Aside from ruin his trip. The only thing that he could do as far as i can tell is to stay in touch on a friendly level with his bandmates as often as possible. however, i dont want to pass on inflammatory news.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Default Re: conundrum-- when to advise a friend and when to shut up.

    maybe ask if he's discussed reassuming his position after asia with the band. emphasize "DISCUSS"

    i find men often think, "hey dude i'm leaving for two months" is a discussion. you can play dumb and push him in that direction. if he doesn't take the hint, well, you did your part.

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    Default Re: conundrum-- when to advise a friend and when to shut up.

    Don't tell him , let him have a fun trip.

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    Default Re: conundrum-- when to advise a friend and when to shut up.

    Is telling him going to change anything? If the band seems set on ditching him based on something as petty as not being close enough to them and making them work too hard then they are not likely to reconsider. Would he even really want to be friends or bandmates with those guys after that in the first place? I think his being part of that band is done either way, I'd just let him go and have fun on his trip, that is no disloyalty on your part.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: conundrum-- when to advise a friend and when to shut up.

    I wouldnt tell him...thats for him and his band to work out.

    Dont be a Yoko! If you say *anything* it will be on you that you broke up the band. Believe you and me...youll end up being the scapegoat somehow.

    My ex has a band, and stuff like this happens all the time. Heck, half the time anyone start talking about stuff, it takes months or years for something to actually happen. He complained about his drummer and I swear, every other show was like...thats it! Thats his last show he sucks and hes always drunk on stage! But he helped book a lot of shows for them, so he always changed his mind at the last minute. Took two years before he finally got a new drummer...

    So like...put that in example..say all that talk was going down and someone said to this guy...hey look, theyre talking about kicking you out the band..and this guy is freaking out and angry, and the band will be like...woah woah woah who told you that? And keep him on to save face...and theyre all looking at you like...soo why you starting drama with the band?

    And then kick him out anyway when he least expects it.

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    Default Re: conundrum-- when to advise a friend and when to shut up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Athenathefabulous View Post
    Ok, so i have a friend of mine who plays/manages a band (i.e. he is the guy who is in charge and does all the work of getting them booked etc). he left to go traveling with the expectation when he returned that the reigns would be handed back to him.

    Anyway, i hear from another good friend (the music community down here is very tightknit... they share a mutual bandmate) that friend#1 might not be getting this band back. i guess everyone in friend#1s band is very close buddy buddy, except friend#1. friend #1 demands more rehearsals than the band is happy with and doesnt interact with them completely on a friendly level. However, to his credit, friend#1 is responsible for getting this bands name out in the local scene.

    But basically, what i hear, is there is a sizeable chance that his band might not let him back in when he returns in a couple of months.

    what do i do? on one hand, im a loyal friend. on the other hand, i am not sure what good telling him this could do. Aside from ruin his trip. The only thing that he could do as far as i can tell is to stay in touch on a friendly level with his bandmates as often as possible. however, i dont want to pass on inflammatory news.
    friend#1 wants to rehearse a lot so the band is tight and he wants to take on the responsibilty of managing. If this is in conflict with the others it's a big problem. He's taken on too much.
    Don't say anything. This is typical band politics going on. If your friend is good then he should let the others worry about when to rehearse and promote the band accordingly. If they think they're too good for friend#1 or he/she's not the right fit then let them prove it.
    People set themselves up to be used sometimes and they just need to learn from it.
    Some bands can take a step up by backstabbing the right person at the right time. Your friend should avoid doing this player/manager thing in the future.
    Last edited by bucket; 06-13-2011 at 08:46 PM. Reason: more info

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    Default Re: conundrum-- when to advise a friend and when to shut up.

    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    maybe ask if he's discussed reassuming his position after asia with the band. emphasize "DISCUSS"

    i find men often think, "hey dude i'm leaving for two months" is a discussion. you can play dumb and push him in that direction. if he doesn't take the hint, well, you did your part.
    Bad idea. You never know what's really going on in a group situation and it's best not to get involved.
    I've never seen anything quite like this. This group of guys are tight and they don't want to rehearse too much. Here's friend #1 who's playing with them, acting as their manager and he thinks they don't rehearse enough?
    Doesn't add up. Looks like a dead end but you have to let it play out by itself.
    Last edited by bucket; 06-13-2011 at 09:22 PM. Reason: spelling

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    Default Re: conundrum-- when to advise a friend and when to shut up.

    Leave well alone. This is 'musical politics' and besides, the running of the band is their affair.
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    Default Re: conundrum-- when to advise a friend and when to shut up.

    There is probably nothing good to come from telling him now. And I hear what you are saying about his efforts and all, but taking such an extended absence from the band in order to go on a multi-month trip is probably not helping matters in the eyes of his bandmates.

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    Default Re: conundrum-- when to advise a friend and when to shut up.

    yea i decided to keep my mouth shut. i feel like i am being a bad friend, but i dont want to get involved.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Default Re: conundrum-- when to advise a friend and when to shut up.

    If u feel u must say something what about throwing out hypothetically "Hey, have u thought of starting a band on your own?" Idk maybe push him in the idea that maybe he would be happier if he started something completely new since his wants and desires dont match the band's.

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