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Thread: He has another kid, ugh

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    Senior Member DanceMami's Avatar
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    Default He has another kid, ugh

    >.< Boo
    Last edited by DanceMami; 11-18-2012 at 11:36 PM.
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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    That is very strange. I've heard of that happening but usually within a few years after the child was born, not 13. How many other kids does he have?

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    There is a possibility she's using him and he's not the father. He needs a DNA asap and if proven he's the father he should ask why now is when she shows up. Sounds awfully suspicious to me.

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    I think its great she is contacting him. Even if she is in a financial bind it is his responsibility to financially support the child. I would be supportive, put yourself in her situation, you would want help also.

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    Yes I would want help also. But I wouldn't wait 13 years to let a man know he has a kid, simply because I need help. Thats real dirty.

    Yes, I suggested DNA test.
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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    While technically he has an obligation to provide support IF the child is his....she had an obligation to advise him 13 years ago that he had a child so he could be a part of his life. How self centered and selfish to not let him know and to not have the child have his biological father be a part of his life. Only because it wasn't convenient for her but now that she is in a different situation she wants things different.....again to her benefit.
    YES....DNA test.

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    she will also get a certain amount of back child support as well so imagine $1,000/month x 13 years (thats 156 months!). Get a DNA test and if it his son try to go for some custody as well. If she wants to ask for that type of money then she needs to give up some custody too... you can't have your cake and eat it too.



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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    Quote Originally Posted by UwishUknewhy View Post
    I think its great she is contacting him. Even if she is in a financial bind it is his responsibility to financially support the child. I would be supportive, put yourself in her situation, you would want help also.
    It's equally up to the mom not to get knocked up if she cannot support the kid on her own. While there are accidents, there are too many heifers out their breeding, either on purpose so they don't have to work as hard to support themselves, or by accident (but really by doing it on purpose in a more passive way by being like, "If I get pregnant, oh well.)

    I would LOVE to see what would happen to the "accidental" birth rate if we took away mandatory child support.

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    Senior Member DanceMami's Avatar
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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    Im all for child support.

    But honestly, and not just saying this because im his girlfriend. I don't believe he should have to give her a DIME. She couldn't even be decent enough to let him know he has a kid for 13 years? This is the one and only time I say no to child support.
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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    Quote Originally Posted by FiendishGyrator View Post
    It's equally up to the mom not to get knocked up if she cannot support the kid on her own. While there are accidents, there are too many heifers out their breeding, either on purpose so they don't have to work as hard to support themselves, or by accident (but really by doing it on purpose in a more passive way by being like, "If I get pregnant, oh well.)

    I would LOVE to see what would happen to the "accidental" birth rate if we took away mandatory child support.
    I get what you're saying and mostly agree, except that I don't think anyone should get out of their responsibilities. However, I've known women who intentionally got pregnant so they didn't have to work or to keep men. This is why I think men need to be careful and always wear condoms (that they bring over).

    Of course I've also known women who got pregnant just to get welfare and it's disgraceful.

    I think that if we were stricter about welfare and everything else I think we'd see a drop in these pregnancies.

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    ^

    Think about it though-- if a woman cannot support a kid by herself, what would she do in a situation if the father was in the kids life as her boyfriend or husband AND THEN HE DIED?

    I think being responsible also means being responsible to the kid as a mom for the next 18 years and not having the kid if she thinks she doesn't have the emotional, physical, and financial capacity to raise it herself should the guy a) skip out on paying her, or b) die.

    Because who's really going to suffer here since this isn't an ideal world? The kid.

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    True, but I was thinking of these guys I knew who got girls pregnant then never paid support. Many of them lied to the women. That's my only reservation. I do feel that both people need to be able to support the child on their own because you never know. I will not have a child until I can support it by myself (though in reality I probably won't support it on my own).

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    I agree. He laid up with her, sans protection. This is the result.
    I now have a different view.
    Shoulda wrapped it up.

    Ugh.
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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    True, but I was thinking of these guys I knew who got girls pregnant then never paid support. Many of them lied to the women. That's my only reservation. I do feel that both people need to be able to support the child on their own because you never know. I will not have a child until I can support it by myself (though in reality I probably won't support it on my own).
    I agree, absolutely, but people lie, and stupid people (and sometimes the not so stupid, but still) sometimes don't even look askance at the most asinine lies; if we took away the child support issue, than maybe a lot more women would be thinking to themselves, "hmm, maybe I shouldn't believe his pledges of love until we're married."

    I don't even support the institution of marriage, but my thinking is, if you can't even get a guy to legally commit to you, then he's probably not sincerely in it for the long haul. And once you start thinking kids, there needs to be a commitment in place aside from the negative reinforcement of child support. Negative reinforcement doesn't even fucking work that well anyway.

    Now-- if a woman marries a guy and gets knocked up-- that's different-- there was a commitment there, and if he walks away from that, he should be nailed to the wall six different ways.

    However, you can't cure stupid, and as long as there is a way out for women in the form of child support, they probably will continue to not look too carefully at who they're choosing to potentially spawn with. And that's really what it is to have sex with a person-- to be prepared for the worst possible scenario in the form of STDs or children or abortion. If women (and men as well) have not considered these three scenarios before sleeping with a particular person, then they deserve to catch an STD, have to figure out an abortion, or have to support a kid.

    But once it gets to the point of a kid, the kid's the one who's going to get screwed in 99% of the scenarios with (a) ditzy, bad, weak, and financially-fucked parent(s).

    Plus...think of all the little brats running around with biological parents like this-- What does that really say about the genetics that are increasingly overwhelming the genetic pool?

    Idiocracy? Anyone?

    Post Note: raising a child is hard, and two parents are necessary. Single parents can do it, but you really need to have super deep wells of energy, not to mention money if at all possible. A single parents could even have a kid who's not wanting for anything, but in this situation-- there either needs to be money for help, or an extended family to help care for the kid.

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    I was in this exact same situation... When I was married, my husband sat me down one day and told me that a woman he was seeing in Germany contacted his unit to let them know that she wanted him to pay child support, and that the kid was I think around 10 or 11 years old.

    In this situation, she waited partly I guess because she didnt know that she could even go after him...she met up with another soldier who I guess clued her in, and encouraged her to find my husband to make him pay. Im the midst of everything, I guess he proposed to her and decided he wanted to adopt the child, so after just a few months of paying child support my husband signed papers giving up parental rights so that this guy could adopt.

    Those few months *killed* us though...I mean, I just didnt know how to feel. It happened way before me and he didnt even know this child was out there, but he said considering the relationship they had back then and what kind of girl she was, he didnt doubt that the baby was his. So it not like he lied or anything he could have avoided. It just felt very wierd.

    Then when he put in to give up parental rights, I didnt like that... I have serious abandonment issues though, so the idea that a child out there would know that their father purposely gave them up just really hurt me...like how is that child to feel that their father found out about them, and so easily gave them up like that.

    And then on the financial side of things, he had to pay something between 500-600/month, which killed us financially cause we just didnt have that kind of money. She didnt want back supprt though, or coudlnt get it, I dont know at this point...but he didnt pay anything back, just from that day forward. So the financial strain was tough too. But even with all of that, I was still hurt that he gave up rights. And then I was super pissed at him when he got the bright idea to give up rights of his other 2 kids with his ex-wife so that we'd have even more money. I felt that was beyond selfish and probably the beginning of the end for us..

    But anyway...the biggest thing is...I know that wierd feeling, but the best thing to do really is be supportive, cause it came before you. Definitely if theres a feeling that this girl is getting one over, to get blood testing done. At the base of it all though, he has a responsibility...shes obviously pulled the weight on her own all this time for whatever reason and he didnt have to do anything....and instead of 18 years, he has less than 10 years left to pay. Its just circumstance at this point, and for you to decide to stand by him through it or not.

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    Quote Originally Posted by OJenni! View Post
    she will also get a certain amount of back child support as well so imagine $1,000/month x 13 years (thats 156 months!). Get a DNA test and if it his son try to go for some custody as well. If she wants to ask for that type of money then she needs to give up some custody too... you can't have your cake and eat it too.

    Different states, different laws......but he was never ordered to pay child support in the past......Usually the only way they can go after past child support is if he was court ordered to pay, and didnt.....

    So i imagine he would only have to pay going forward. But it doesnt matter when or why she is coming to him now...if its his kid....he is responsible.

    I see it again and again on here and the cavalier attitude that people have about bringing kids into this world without much concern as to how they are going to raise them, shocks me and makes me sad.

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    Quote Originally Posted by FiendishGyrator View Post
    I agree, absolutely, but people lie, and stupid people (and sometimes the not so stupid, but still) sometimes don't even look askance at the most asinine lies; if we took away the child support issue, than maybe a lot more women would be thinking to themselves, "hmm, maybe I shouldn't believe his pledges of love until we're married."

    I don't even support the institution of marriage, but my thinking is, if you can't even get a guy to legally commit to you, then he's probably not sincerely in it for the long haul. And once you start thinking kids, there needs to be a commitment in place aside from the negative reinforcement of child support. Negative reinforcement doesn't even fucking work that well anyway.

    Now-- if a woman marries a guy and gets knocked up-- that's different-- there was a commitment there, and if he walks away from that, he should be nailed to the wall six different ways.

    However, you can't cure stupid, and as long as there is a way out for women in the form of child support, they probably will continue to not look too carefully at who they're choosing to potentially spawn with. And that's really what it is to have sex with a person-- to be prepared for the worst possible scenario in the form of STDs or children or abortion. If women (and men as well) have not considered these three scenarios before sleeping with a particular person, then they deserve to catch an STD, have to figure out an abortion, or have to support a kid.

    But once it gets to the point of a kid, the kid's the one who's going to get screwed in 99% of the scenarios with (a) ditzy, bad, weak, and financially-fucked parent(s).

    Plus...think of all the little brats running around with biological parents like this-- What does that really say about the genetics that are increasingly overwhelming the genetic pool?

    Idiocracy? Anyone?

    Post Note: raising a child is hard, and two parents are necessary. Single parents can do it, but you really need to have super deep wells of energy, not to mention money if at all possible. A single parents could even have a kid who's not wanting for anything, but in this situation-- there either needs to be money for help, or an extended family to help care for the kid.
    I do agree actually, I just think of the kids in all of this. I have posted this often but I am waiting for a very serious relationship before I will have intercourse again because of this issue. I am very careful to being with but am terrified of having a baby with a guy I know wouldn't stay around. In the past I slept with a few guys who wouldn't and I realized I dodged a bullet.

    I wish people were more serious about who they slept with to avoid issues like this. I will admit this issue terrifies me because as I've often posted I avoid men with kids. Perhaps my biggest fear about dating is that I'll find a guy without kids then years later find out he had kids he didn't know about (or suspected). I would hope this is somewhat rare but still scary to think about.

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    Quote Originally Posted by Raider View Post
    While technically he has an obligation to provide support IF the child is his....she had an obligation to advise him 13 years ago that he had a child so he could be a part of his life. How self centered and selfish to not let him know and to not have the child have his biological father be a part of his life. Only because it wasn't convenient for her but now that she is in a different situation she wants things different.....again to her benefit.
    YES....DNA test.
    My thoughts EXACTLY.
    What a selfish, horrible woman to not even give him the option of being involved with his child... until she wants money.
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    Quote Originally Posted by BlkSharpie View Post
    ...And then I was super pissed at him when he got the bright idea to give up rights of his other 2 kids with his ex-wife so that we'd have even more money. I felt that was beyond selfish and probably the beginning of the end for us...
    Idk, I suppose that there may be two ways to look at this. While I agree that a father that doesn't want his kids is despicable, if he's going to be like that then the least he can do is stay out of the way. IMHO it is better for the mother to remarry with someone who wants to be a father to her chidren than to have some absentee father keeping just enough rights to gum up the works when he chooses to.
    Last edited by rickdugan; 06-21-2011 at 11:35 AM.

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    Idk, I suppose that there may be two ways to look at this. While I agree that a father that doesn't want his kids is despicable, if he's going to be like that then the least he can do is stay out of the way. IMHO it is better for the mother to remarry with someone who wants to be a father to her chidren than to have some absentee father keeping just enough rights to gum up the works when he chooses to.
    Except that his daughter adored him...

    Just in case, for clarification, it was the german girl he had a fling with that contacted him about a baby he didnt know about who got married, not his ex-wife that he had 2 kids with.

    I cant speak for all fathers and all kids, but I do know that I was not happy at all that he would give up parental rights just for the sake of having more money. It had nothing to do with being an absentee father, he talked to his daughter at least once a month...or his ex-wife remarrying, that wasnt even on the table at the time...

    He was just thinking about the money and got the bright idea that if he can give up parental rights of the baby he had with the german girl, he can do it with the kids he had with his ex-wife too.To me, that revealed a lot about his character that I didnt see before.

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    Blksharpie, sounds like you did the right thing in divorcing him. That's just awful that he would want to give up rights to his other kids. He probably had a bond with them and everything. While I don't date dads, I would definitely date one over a guy who renounced his rights because that tells me he's an uncaring jerk.

    Quote Originally Posted by lemiwinks31 View Post
    I see it again and again on here and the cavalier attitude that people have about bringing kids into this world without much concern as to how they are going to raise them, shocks me and makes me sad.
    I think in this society this is a problem and why we have the problems we do. I've known so many people that don't care if they get pregnant or cause a pregnancy.

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    Badly enough, that wasnt the reason I divorced him, but that whole thing was definitely the beginning of the end...once I saw him in that light, there really was no going back...and after about 4 years together, our marriage really fell apart like lightning over the next maybe 6 months we stayed together.

    A guy who is that heartless towards his kids is heartless period.

    Thats why I say though, for the OP...to stand by him while he goes through this, if thats something you are up for that is. I mean, at the very least, while its a very weird thought and feeling that all of a sudden he has a child out there hes responsible for..how he handles it says a lot about him, which could mean a *very* good thing in the kind of man that he is...or a very bad thing, depending on what he chooses to do.

    ETA: Actually being in the military, he doesnt have much choice...so its really mostly his reaction to it. Blood testing like i said is a good idea to be sure, if he has any doubt, but for sure, if hes a stand up guy or annoyed with it will say a lot.

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    My bf will do what he's gotta do.
    Im not asking him about it, and Im not trying to talk about it.
    Not saying that I don't care. I just don't really want to face it.
    It kinda seems uncomfortable for me to talk about, for some reason.
    We'll see what happens.
    Praying its not his. Y'all keep your fingers crossed.
    Finally found a man with only one baby mama. Let's keep it that way!
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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    Quote Originally Posted by FiendishGyrator View Post
    It's equally up to the mom not to get knocked up if she cannot support the kid on her own. While there are accidents, there are too many heifers out their breeding, either on purpose so they don't have to work as hard to support themselves, or by accident (but really by doing it on purpose in a more passive way by being like, "If I get pregnant, oh well.)

    I would LOVE to see what would happen to the "accidental" birth rate if we took away mandatory child support.
    I'm trying to figure out what you mean by this. You're saying that child support should be abolished so all these "heifers" will stop getting pregnant on purpose? I'm sorry but you have a seriously twisted view of the world if you think that the majority of unmarried women who get pregnant are doing it "on purpose" so they can get free money in the form of welfare checks and child support. Since when does having a child mean not having to work as hard to support yourself? Having kids makes your life fucking hard whether you're single or married, receiving child support or not. Pumping out babies is not a method for achieving "the easy life".

    A quick Google search and I found this:

    (Summary: 62% of custodial mothers do not receive child support. However, of that number, three-fourths of them simply do not want child support, have not asked for it, have accepted other financial arrangements instead of child support, or the father does not have the money. Only 11% of those custodial mothers who do not receive child support, is because of "deadbeat dads".)
    and this:

    So what do studies comparing how weak and strong child support laws effect single motherhood find? It’s men, not women, who have their incentives changed by child support laws. The stronger child support laws are, the lower the rate of single motherhood.
    So I really don't see how your claim is at all accurate or based in reality.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    Of course I've also known women who got pregnant just to get welfare and it's disgraceful.

    I think that if we were stricter about welfare and everything else I think we'd see a drop in these pregnancies.
    I find this hard to believe. Average welfare benefits in the US do not exceed $1000 per month and most of that is in food stamps. This is not nearly enough to live on, let alone live some kind of "glamorous" lifestyle. Even if the woman is lucky enough to receive child support, that's only an extra $350 (average) per month, much less if the man lives below the poverty line.

    again from here:

    All told, the typical child support payment in the USA covers much less than half the expense of raising a child. Custodial parents – usually mothers – are taking on not only the majority of the work involved in childrearing, and the majority of the opportunity costs – they’re taking on the majority of the cash expenses, as well.
    Quote Originally Posted by FiendishGyrator View Post
    Think about it though-- if a woman cannot support a kid by herself, what would she do in a situation if the father was in the kids life as her boyfriend or husband AND THEN HE DIED?

    I think being responsible also means being responsible to the kid as a mom for the next 18 years and not having the kid if she thinks she doesn't have the emotional, physical, and financial capacity to raise it herself should the guy a) skip out on paying her, or b) die.

    Because who's really going to suffer here since this isn't an ideal world? The kid.
    I agree with you that a woman should be independent and be able to support herself and her children financially, but you seem to be absolving men of ALL responsibility, which is not at all fair or right.

    Quote Originally Posted by FiendishGyrator View Post
    I agree, absolutely, but people lie, and stupid people (and sometimes the not so stupid, but still) sometimes don't even look askance at the most asinine lies; if we took away the child support issue, than maybe a lot more women would be thinking to themselves, "hmm, maybe I shouldn't believe his pledges of love until we're married."
    Why should it be solely the woman's responsibility? If two people have sex, BOTH are responsible for the consequences. A child is just as much the father's responsibility as it is the mother's. If the woman lied about being on birth control or something like that, tough shit! Maybe it'll make the man think, "Hmm, maybe I shouldn't believe everything women say and start wearing condoms every time".

    I don't even support the institution of marriage, but my thinking is, if you can't even get a guy to legally commit to you, then he's probably not sincerely in it for the long haul. And once you start thinking kids, there needs to be a commitment in place aside from the negative reinforcement of child support. Negative reinforcement doesn't even fucking work that well anyway.

    Now-- if a woman marries a guy and gets knocked up-- that's different-- there was a commitment there, and if he walks away from that, he should be nailed to the wall six different ways.
    The guy should be nailed to the wall whether or not they were married. Just because a committment is written down on a piece of paper doesn't make it any less risky. People get divorced all the time. As someone who doesn't support the institution of marriage it seems odd that you would make this a requirement.

    Women are allowed to have sex outside of marriage, and if they do so they must acknowledge the possible consequences. But men must do the same. There is no reason why a woman should have to suffer for getting pregnant and a man just walk free.

    However, you can't cure stupid, and as long as there is a way out for women in the form of child support, they probably will continue to not look too carefully at who they're choosing to potentially spawn with. And that's really what it is to have sex with a person-- to be prepared for the worst possible scenario in the form of STDs or children or abortion. If women (and men as well) have not considered these three scenarios before sleeping with a particular person, then they deserve to catch an STD, have to figure out an abortion, or have to support a kid.
    Yep I agree, but child support is not a "way out" for women. Women can spawn with whoever the fuck they want to. If a woman purposely pokes holes in a condom or skips her BC pills, that's unfortunate, but men should acknowledge that that is one of the "risks" of having sex, that some women are crazy and twisted and will do that. It doesn't mean that they can just walk away from the responsibility of a creature that shares 50% of their DNA.

    Post Note: raising a child is hard, and two parents are necessary. Single parents can do it, but you really need to have super deep wells of energy, not to mention money if at all possible. A single parents could even have a kid who's not wanting for anything, but in this situation-- there either needs to be money for help, or an extended family to help care for the kid.
    So this seems to be contradicting your previous statements. Single parenthood is hard? Gee, I thought it was super easy, after all, so many welfare queens just like to get pregnant over and over again to suck men dry and live the sweet, sweet easy life where they never have to work again!

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    Default Re: He has another kid, ugh

    I don't know the mother of this 13 year old child, nor do I know her reasons for waiting so long. I don't know what her relationship was like with your current boyfriend and how it influenced her decision to hide the child from him.
    It is BOTH the man's and woman's responsibility to raise a child, regardless of how the pregnancy happened. Maybe this 13 year old child has asked about their father and wishes to meet him? We don't know what the situation is, really.
    But anyway, I think he should be held responsible to provide some sort of support for this child if it is his. He hasn't done a thing for this kid in 13 years (whether or not it was by choice) and she isn't asking for back pay, so that's a pretty damn good deal if you ask me.
    I am a single mom, and I do want to re-marry someday, but I won't be marrying someone who has kids. That sounds off, but if you don't want to deal with the drama there are plenty of men out there who don't have these compromises.
    I don't get along much with my dad, but one thing I do admire is that he never denied us. If he ever came across a woman he might have liked but she had issues with 'baby momma' and his kids he moved right along. There should be more men like that in this fucked up world.
    Having a kid myself so young is probably the reason why I couldn't have disparaging feelings towards an innocent child.

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