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Thread: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

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    God/dess tempest666's Avatar
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    Sad Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    Sooooo the ex got married saturday to her boyfriend that she kicked him out of the house for. There are no lingering feelings between them I'm convinced. He loves me things are going great, we're house hunting thursday. All in all life is good.

    My next question: I know he misses his kids but as most of you know the (formerly) fat (currently) ugly bitch doesn't let him see them and he seems uninterested in pursuing the matter legally, whether it's due to wanting to avoid the drama of a lengthy custody battle or other reasons I don't know. A part of me is secretly relieved. I don't like small children. I am not the most patient person and I know I would transform into the archetypal wicked stepmother or spoil them excessively. One of the two. Plus the thought of 1/2 of his DNA running around with someone else's is enough to make me seethe with jealousy.

    Am I a fucked up and selfish person? Should I encourage him to pursue legal recourse or just leave our life as is? I'm kinda confused....
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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    Leave it be. Ultimately, it's your boyfriend's decision. I wouldn't push him one way or the other.

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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    I wouldn't push it but at the same time I would question why he's not fighting it. I'm of the belief a child deserves two parents in their life if possible.

    I don't think you are selfish at all. I couldn't handle dating a man with kids and that is part of the reason. The idea that a man made kids with someone would make me insanely jealous. I know that most guys had a life before me, including sex but having kids is proof of that life, whereas anything else isn't.

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    God/dess papillonluvr's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    I'm with mediocrity on this one. If you are feeling torn, it's better to not push the issue either way. Let things fall where they may.
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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    assuming the ex is doing a decent job of raising the kids, let it be. it sounds like life is easiest this way.
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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    I truthfully dont blame you. Idk if I would be able to have a relationship with someone who has a kid or kids living with him. Actually I did date someone with a kid. ANd the kid got sort of jealous. It actually would throw a tantrum if I wanted to go run an errand it didnt want to do. I didnt have a problem with the guy bc the guy was very much all about me..It was the kid throwing fits and competing for the attention it used to get that was the problem. I didnt stick around long.. I never was mean to the kid..The kid was cool most of the time. Any problem behavior was directly handled by the father only it was in no way my place to say anything to the kid concerning its behavior..Just my point of view..

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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    He must not be missing them that much if he is uninterested in pursuing the matter legally. I know men who've gone bankrupt fighting to see their kids, if he cared he'd be doing his damn best to be a part of their life.
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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    You shouldn't date people with kids if you don't like kids. Its kind of alarming, you talking about being jealous of them and being the "evil stepmother". If I were a parent, I wouldn't want someone like that to play any crucial role in my life as a partner and also have a role in my child's life. Personally, I do think that's incredibly selfish. He chose to procreate and his overwhelming responsibility is to those children for the rest of their lives. Its cruel to rejoice in him having a poor relationship with them or their own mother. He should be working to compromise with her on any level to remain in his children's lives.

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    He must not be missing them that much if he is uninterested in pursuing the matter legally. I know men who've gone bankrupt fighting to see their kids, if he cared he'd be doing his damn best to be a part of their life.
    I couldn't agree more. It honestly sounds like he's looking for a good excuse to drop out of their lives, as it is and you're enabling it. Your BF will likely soon become just another dead-beat baby-daddy and you two can enjoy talking shit about the single mom who's been stuck raising his offspring. Good luck to both of you. His children's mother is probably better off without the drama you and he would bring to her family.
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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    I agree that it's your bf's decision. They're his kids and the issue of when/if he gets to see them is between him and his ex. Whether you are selfish or not in being happy that you don't have to deal with kids is a moot point - they're not your problem right now. If you know he misses him, I would ask him once if he's sure he doesn't want to do anything about having some sort of custody - you don't want him to regret it years down the line and blame you because he thought you wouldn't want them around. But if he doesn't want to, drop it. He has his reasons. Don't openly rejoice in the fact that the kids aren't around so that if he ever did want to pursue legal recourse, he wouldn't be put off by your dislike of kids. But I see nothing selfish about being privately happy you don't currently have to deal with them. It's not like you did anything to make it happen.

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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    Quote Originally Posted by vivianbear View Post
    You shouldn't date people with kids if you don't like kids. Its kind of alarming, you talking about being jealous of them and being the "evil stepmother". If I were a parent, I wouldn't want someone like that to play any crucial role in my life as a partner and also have a role in my child's life. Personally, I do think that's incredibly selfish. He chose to procreate and his overwhelming responsibility is to those children for the rest of their lives. Its cruel to rejoice in him having a poor relationship with them or their own mother. He should be working to compromise with her on any level to remain in his children's lives.



    I couldn't agree more. It honestly sounds like he's looking for a good excuse to drop out of their lives, as it is and you're enabling it. Your BF will likely soon become just another dead-beat baby-daddy and you two can enjoy talking shit about the single mom who's been stuck raising his offspring. Good luck to both of you. His children's mother is probably better off without the drama you and he would bring to her family.

    The drama was there long before I arrived, as mentioned in the above post. She was hooked up with her now husband long before I arrived on scene in August of 2010. I have asked him about legal recourse a couple of times and he has brushed me off saying it's his business. I do know that most of the drama was there before we ever got together, and by the time we got together, she wasn't letting him see his kids. It had nothing to do with me.

    I don't rejoice in him having a bad relationship with his ex because it was already nasty. I will admit to calling her a fat bitch and all of the other things that are public knowledge on this forum.


    I think that he should be in his kid's life but like everyone has said it's his decision. I'm not going to tell him what to do apart from being there for him.
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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    Thank you for all the feedback...and please remember opinions are just THAT: Opinions. nobody's e-peen is bigger, better or badder than anyone else's so I'd like to keep this thread from disintegrating into a virtual dramafest please.
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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    If he misses his children, I think you should encourage him to at least talk to a lawyer. It might not turn into a long drawn out custody fight. You won't know without at least talking to someone. I find it cruel of the ex to not let the children see the father.

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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    If his name is on their birth certificates, he has just as much right to see his kids as she does. But unfortunately there's not much you can do about that except talk to a lawyer and bring her to court.

    It seems selfish to consider anything besides the well-being of those children. "Wah, I don't like kids" ... "Ugh, I don't wanna deal with the court system". Okay, well, what's more important? Your own convenience or these kids getting to regularly visit and develop a healthy relationship with their father?

    If the ex is psycho, she'll most likely talk shit about their real father while they're growing up, so by the time they're adults they'll probably think that he's some awful, despicable person, which is really sad and not healthy for their development. But if your boyfriend never makes even the slightest attempt to see his children, then he's probably not worth getting to know for these kids anyway.

    I agree with vivianbear, his primary responsibility is to his children, not you. That's what happens when you have kids. They become top priority. If he does want to fight for custody, you should be prepared to stand by your man and attempt to be a good step-mom to these kids even if you're cringing on the inside. They'll probably grow on you over time anyway.

    I do understand about feeling jealous, though. I can't stand the thought that my man has ever stuck his dick in, said "I love you", or been romantic with other people who are not me, I think I'd go crazy if he had actually procreated with someone else. Still, personal hang-ups like that shouldn't get in the way of what's ultimately the right thing to do.

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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    If it were me, I would probably discourage him from seeking custody if the kids are fine with their mother. It might be selfish, but I don't know what to do with children--especially in a step-mother type position, and if he's not desperate to get his kids back, then they really might be better of with the mom.

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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    It is hard to watch, but I'd let him sort it out himself ( only helping with legal issues ect. IF he asks ). Same goes for discussing it probably ( only IF he asks would I try and go there ).

    I can relate 100% to the anxiety you feel about " ah , what would I even DO in this step mom role ?". I dated a man with children last Spring and the whole thing made me incredibly nervous.

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    Veteran Member Camateur's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    I wouldn't feel right about loving someone who didn't fight for his kids; would make me wonder if he is this way with his flesh and blood, how would he be (down the road) with us?

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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    I've just been hanging on the sidelines, if he brings them up, I'll listen but other than that I'm reluctant to press him. He went through a lot last year. his mother died last may very suddenly and on the heels of that, she kicked him out of the apartment, moved her current husband in, and forbade him from seeing the kids.

    He never brings them up and when anyone does, especially his brother he becomes very agitated and changes the subject. I've never told him "No, don't see the kids." He seems to have opted to maintain a distance and like other posters have said there isn't much I can do. If he decides to pursue legal recourse it has to come from him.
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    Default Re: Let sleeping dogs lie/am I selfish?

    I am on the Let Sleeping Dogs Lie side of the fence.

    But I would also say NEVER have kids with this man, get on the pill, use condoms double wrap his dinga ling.
    Getting with a dead beat Daddy who doesn't see his children is like getting with a cheat, if he did it to her he WILL do it to you.
    Emotionally unavailable men do not make good boyfriends/husbands/fathers

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