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Thread: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

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    Default Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    Hi, so recently I car pooled to my club and then got fired by our manager for some BULLSHIT, so I had to leave but didn't have a ride. I called a lot of my friends but most were busy, blah blah blah. So my little friend from the club, an 18 yr old girl who I've grown fond of, asked her boyfriend if he could give me a ride home. It obviously wasn't my first choice since I don't know him, but I didn't HAVE much of a choice. So, I get in the car and we were just making small chat until he tells me that this girl isn't his official girlfriend (although they live together). He tells me that he's not tied down and he can still talk to other girls. This was shocking to me, because she was complaining that she thought he was cheating and she was worried just a few weeks before. So obviously she does not share his point of view. Worst of all, when we pulled up to my house he asked me for my number. I told him I was taken and wouldn't do that to my friend. But he pursued and I just said no.

    What should I do?? If I tell her this, she'll leave him, and I feel bad because she's told me before that she's so attached to him and doesn't really have any friends besides me (and we aren't even that close). She has a tattoo of his name, they share a car, and she relies on him for mostly everything. I also suspect that she's pregnant. I don't want to start drama but I think she should know that he would be so outwardly nasty. I also considered that he did it as a test, but that would be weird wouldn't it?? Ugh, I don't know... I don't wanna stir the pot, but I feel like I should... Also, now he knows where I live, so he could come back and try to cause problems if I told on him. But he really took the risk with me by hitting on me, because how did he know I wouldn't tell her? Seems like he didn't care. Advice?
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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    Somethings are best left unsaid. That is an issue for them to resolve and not worth the drama to insert yourself into it.

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    I know this is a tough spot to be in, but I would honestly stay quiet even though it's really tempting to share this with your friend. As much as I believe people should should not be lied to about their SO's, I think you'll just cause more trouble than you'll prevent - and most of that trouble will be for you. People, especially girls who are sooo madly in love with and attached to their bf's, usually won't even believe anybody that tries to tell them they're cheaters. They believe his denials over your accusations and then they're still together but you end up the only one screwed because your friend will hate you for being a "liar" out to stir up trouble. And honestly, if she's been talking to you about her fears, she already knows what kind of person he is and probably already knows he cheats - she just doesn't want to face it.

    In high school, I had a friend who's bf was so obviously cheating on her. He showed up one day with a hickey that she didn't give him and when we asked her why she never confronted him about it, her only reasoning was that his grandma had just died so she didn't want to upset him and by the time that crisis has passed, the hickey was gone so she was just like "oh well." Then we had several friends witness him making out with a redhead in a store, she asked him, he started yelling that he "didn't even know any fucking redheads." Someone snapped a picture of him with the redhead a few days later, he still yelled and denied, and despite the fact that we had a freaking picture of her bf with a very obvious redhead, my friend still believed that "he didn't know any redheads" and dropped the subject....

    Girls aren't stupid - they just don't like to face the truth. They tend to "know" when their guys are cheating scumbags - they just don't want to face reality and deal with it. There's no way this guy is that sleazy and your friend just has no idea. Telling her will likely only cause drama that ends with you as the only one shunned. Unless you have hardcore proof that he said these things, I would stay quiet. You're not responsible for fixing her crappy relationship with a loser.

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    It's a tough one. She is obviously quite serious about him even if he isn't about her. I've been in a similar situation once before and I told my friend how her bf was behaving 'inappropriately' with me. But they were a new couple and she was my best friend so she was glad I spoke to her about it.

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    If this is a good friend, definately say something(I would hope someone would do the same).

    Although, you may not have to say anything bc she already suspects his shady ass behavior.

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    I told a friend of mine his girl was cheating on him long ago. She was actually a better friend of mine than he was (I was one of the few guys she didn't sleep with lol--though she did ram her tongue down my throat one night so I could have I suspect).

    I thought long and hard about it, and of course telling him did nothing whatsoever to make him like me any more, far from it. I did it anyway because if it had been me I sure would have wanted to know. He was going to marry her--it's a goddamned good thing he didn't, because she would have broken his heart for sure.

    So they were both pissed at me, but who gives a fuck? I have no regrets, it was the right thing to do. One little slip, I will keep my mouth shut. If someone is banging everything that moves, the poor deluded SO needs to know about it.

    Speaking of delusional, I really hate to say it, but I cannot count the times I have seen this shit happen to women I was working with. It's as though they go out looking for the very worst guys they can possibly find, and sign over their lives and belongings to them. And the fucking unwanted pregnancies, jesus christ. More than half the time it really hurts their future prospects as dancers, too, what with stretch marks, sag, leftover weight, hassle raising a kid who dad has vanished, etc.

    Then they blame men for all their problems...

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    Quote Originally Posted by Vyanka View Post
    If this is a good friend, definately say something(I would hope someone would do the same).

    Although, you may not have to say anything bc she already suspects his shady ass behavior.
    ^yes...if its a GOOD friend.

    I would try emailing her....very briefly, just tell her what happened.
    - he behaved inapporpriately
    - he said they were not in an exclusive relationship
    - he tried persistently to get your number after numerous rejections.

    then say you thought she should know and if she would like to talk about it, you would be happy to. And if not, you wont bring it up again.

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    instead of specifically telling her i would agree with her when she mentions he might be cheating. try to push her in the right direction. if you tell her he hit on you though then she might blame you or think you were flirting to make him do it. girls who are deluded like this are rarely reasonable about who is actually at fault.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    If you really feel you must say anything, I would try to casually bring it up when she talks about him cheating like "Well, the other night xxx was saying that you guys have an open arrangement in your relationship." If she keeps the conversation going and wanting to know more, just say "Well, he kinda seemed like he was trying to hit on me. I don't know if you approve of him doing that sort of thing so I thought I should bring it up."

    But again... this girl doesn't seem like a super-good friend that you've known for a long time. Her bf will deny up and down everything you've said if she brings it up to him. He'll call you a lying whore and ask who she's going to believe... it will most likely be him. A friend of mine practically got raped by her "best friend's" bf one time and when she tried to tell her, the friend just got mad and started yelling at her about what a whore she was and how she was going to marry this guy... I just have witnessed girls not wanting to face the truth too many times to suggest inserting yourself in that situation... If you will feel better telling her, go for it - but be prepared that it may backfire on you, so you better have the mindset of not caring what happens to you as long as you did the "right thing."

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    ^^^That's true.

    She could turn on you and blame you for him hitting on you--even if she was already thinking he was doing this kind of thing. These delusional types will blame anyone but themselves for picking the guys that do this. And the guys will try to say it was all your idea, the 'players' and pimps are very good at avoiding any blame for anything.
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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    TELL HER ABOUT IT RIGHT AWAY... The guy is an asshole and she deserves to know it. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you if your BF was doing the same thing? He is such a low-life and staying quiet makes you a facilitator. The longer you wait to tell her, the more lies her BF can make up, and the more confusing it will be for her.

    She TRUSTED you by asking her BF to give you a ride. To say nothing is a betrayal of her trust.

    I cannot believe that other women are asking you to stay quiet and not say anything. That is so WRONG. She deserves to know the truth. How could you keep a secret like this and consider yourself a friend?

    So, maybe she cannot handle it,... she blames you,... accuses you of lying,... maybe she hates you and never talks to you again.... So effing what? -- You did the RIGHT thing - your KARMA is clean. If she turns out to be a stupid cu$% and kills the messenger (figuratively speaking) rather then deal with the truth, that's her problem.

    You should just say -
    - You are right about [guy's name]. [Pause, give her time to absorb it. She might ask you - "Did he hit on you last night."]
    - He hit on me last night. [Pause, stop or continue, depending on her reaction.]
    - He said you are not his official girlfriend. [Pause, stop or continue, depending on her reaction.]
    - He feels he is not tied down and he can still talk to other girls. [Pause, stop or continue, depending on her reaction.]
    Last edited by jack0177057; 06-27-2011 at 01:42 PM.
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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    You don't need to mention that he hit on you, but you should tell her how he was saying they're not exclusive, etc. I agree with others that if you tell her he hit on you she might blame you or something. But she does need to know that they're not on the same page.

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post

    I cannot believe that other women are asking you to stay quiet and not say anything. That is so WRONG. She deserves to know the truth. How could you keep a secret like this and consider yourself a friend?
    I only say to think it through carefully because it's really not her responsibility to rescue this girl from her shitty man. My biggest deciding factor is that this girl is not bouncing around in la-la land, totally oblivious, thinking all is great in her relationship. If she was, that would make it more obvious that she was being totally bamboozled and should be warned. But she clearly knows the guy is a scum bag - that's why she's been talking about how she thinks he's a cheater. If she hasn't done anything about finding out the truth by now, she clearly doesn't want to face the truth, and will probably react badly if anyone tries to put the truth in front of her when she is probably avoiding it.

    On the one hand, I would want someone to tell me, but if someone knew and didn't tell me and I found out later, I would not blame them for not wanting to throw themselves into the middle of that drama because I've seen how it ends. If she tells the friend, her conscience is clear, but if it doesn't do anything to relieve the situation, all she did was create needless drama with no solution. Bunni sounds like she really wants to tell the girl, so she probably will, but I was just warning her what will probably happen because most girl, regardless of whether they think they would want to know or not, won't believe it when it does come out. Don't want her to be shocked and dismayed when her friend starts yelling at her for "seducing her bf" and "making up lies" and then stays and has his kids anyway...

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    Well, I think you should tell her, or stop telling yourself and other people that you are her friend.

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    I only say to think it through carefully because it's really not her responsibility to rescue this girl from her shitty man. My biggest deciding factor is that this girl is not bouncing around in la-la land, totally oblivious, thinking all is great in her relationship. If she was, that would make it more obvious that she was being totally bamboozled and should be warned. But she clearly knows the guy is a scum bag - that's why she's been talking about how she thinks he's a cheater. If she hasn't done anything about finding out the truth by now, she clearly doesn't want to face the truth, and will probably react badly if anyone tries to put the truth in front of her when she is probably avoiding it.

    On the one hand, I would want someone to tell me, but if someone knew and didn't tell me and I found out later, I would not blame them for not wanting to throw themselves into the middle of that drama because I've seen how it ends. If she tells the friend, her conscience is clear, but if it doesn't do anything to relieve the situation, all she did was create needless drama with no solution. Bunni sounds like she really wants to tell the girl, so she probably will, but I was just warning her what will probably happen because most girl, regardless of whether they think they would want to know or not, won't believe it when it does come out. Don't want her to be shocked and dismayed when her friend starts yelling at her for "seducing her bf" and "making up lies" and then stays and has his kids anyway...
    Women are just strange creatures - she already knows or suspects that her BF is cheating, yet, she might end up blaming the OP and/or accuse her of lying?

    We don't know for sure what's going to happen when she hears the news, but its not fair to just assume she's going to be an idiot.

    Also, she trusts, confides in, and looks up to the OP, and even did the OP a favor by asking her BF to drive the OP home. Keeping this secret from her would be a big slap in her face.

    Also, what is weird about this it that, if you think your BF is a scum and a cheater, why would you ask him to take your hot dancer friend home? It is probably not the first time he's hit on one of her friends. Was this a set up?
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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    Women are just strange creatures - she already knows or suspects that her BF is cheating, yet, she might end up blaming the OP and/or accuse her of lying?

    We don't know for sure what's going to happen when she hears the news, but its not fair to just assume she's going to be an idiot.

    Also, she trusts, confides in, and looks up to the OP, and even did the OP a favor by asking her BF to drive the OP home. Keeping this secret from her would be a big slap in her face.

    Also, what is weird about this it that, if you think your BF is a scum and a cheater, why would you ask him to take your hot dancer friend home? It is probably not the first time he's hit on one of her friends. Was this a set up?
    Yes! Agreed that women are strange creatures, but yes, despite her fears, she may end up getting angry and blaming Bunni. Especially if she already has fears but clearly isn't doing anything about it.... people like that are voluntarily living outside reality and probably know but not want to face it. I'm not saying that her freaking out and blaming her will happen or that the girl will be an idiot, but yes, it is a very real possibility. It's not uncommon at all. It would be great if Bunni told her and she dumped his lame ass. But I'm just warning her. I don't want her coming back and being shocked that she no longer has a friend because the girl accused her she's a whore out to seduce her bf. At least if she tells her and this happens, she'll know it was possible.

    I wondered briefly if it was a setup... I honestly don't know. Maybe the girl was just really nice, maybe she wanted to see what would happen and would like Bunni to report back to her... I feel like Bunni really wants to tell her so I assume she will and I hope that the advice on here will help her when she does.

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    Yes, if I was in your friends position I would want to know. She may be pissed but she needs to know the truth about how he is when she is not around. Tell her gently of course. I wouldnt do it through the phone or email, I would do it in person.

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    Women are just strange creatures - she already knows or suspects that her BF is cheating, yet, she might end up blaming the OP and/or accuse her of lying?
    Human beings are strange creatures. The guys play the games, the women fall for them, then blame guys for everything. Or vica versa. An endless chain of people of both sexes blaming everyone else for being idiots themselves.

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    We don't know for sure what's going to happen when she hears the news, but its not fair to just assume she's going to be an idiot.
    We already know she's an idiot and almost certainly delusional for staying with the guy. I have seen so many delusional types twist the truth around, nothing surprises me anymore. From what I've seen of dressing room brawls and white trash catfights in general, there are good odds she could get blamed for everything just for trying to tell her friend the truth.

    I still think she should tell her, but be very careful how (and maybe where) she tells her.
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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    i dont know if the OP is still reading this.. but I hope she does!
    and this is why..........
    I have went threw the EXACT same thing.. and I did not tell my friend right away.. and it turned out so bad for me... I have lost my best friend ... and it hurts...I was only 23 back then and I blame it on not knowing any better... but I know now and I am telling you... BE HONEST! Tell her! Wash your hands off it... If u dont say anything about it, it will hunt your down...trust me..
    Yes she did turn on me , telling me that I provoked it which was not true, but she was right to call me a liar ...
    This was a girl who was like a sister to me, we were doing most of the things together and spending so much time with each other.....
    Thinking back, to this date, that has to be the biggest mistake of my life...
    she trusted me with everything and I 've let her down...
    (Nothing ever happened with the bf... we did not even meet... BUT I did hide it from her and I pray to God something like this will never happen to me...)
    Edit: the more u wait, the harder it will become.... I;ve hid it from her a couple of days... maybe a week... and that was too long..

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    MY EXPERIENCE: my ex bf, my best friend, and I used to go out to the bar together every weekend. I thought he was sweet as pie and cute as a teddy bear, that is until he hit on my best friend. She is the straight-up, blunt, tell you to your face, kind of girl. She said,"hey when you were in the bathroom, he was feeling up on my leg and all like, how are YOU doin?"
    Well I was in love with him, and I was scared, but I broke up with him a few weeks after that. Im still grateful she was honest with me. If you never tell her, she might still be with this loser years from now.
    i'st a scary thing to tell someone they are being cheated on, but it shows that you value them enough to shed light on a shady situation to help them.")

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    Women are just strange creatures - she already knows or suspects that her BF is cheating, yet, she might end up blaming the OP and/or accuse her of lying?

    We don't know for sure what's going to happen when she hears the news, but its not fair to just assume she's going to be an idiot.
    Honestly, if this sort of thing seems odd to you, you just haven't grown up around women or dealt with that many in general. When girls are emotionally attached to a guy, this behavior is actually the rule and not the exception.

    You think that's bad?...There are plenty of cases out there where a woman finds out her SO is having sex with her underage daughter, and she not only keeps the guy but blames the young girl for "seducing" him and even throws her out of the house. This happens quite often. There were at least a couple of girls on this board who went through that.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nini Nieb View Post
    It is OK to have different opionens in my opionen

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    I agree with what a lot of others have said here: I'd tell her, if she's a GOOD friend. I wouldn't hesitate telling my best friend Anya if her bf ever made a move on me, and then I'd watch her kick his sorry ass to the curb.

    But if this is just some girl you're kinda friendly with at work...I don't know. Unfortunately, it sounds like this girl already knows, deep-down, that this guy is a cheater. But for whatever reason, she's in denial about it. She won't face it until she's ready, and the truth of the matter is that you could very well be blamed for the whole situation if you tell her about it, especially if she confronts him and they end up staying together.

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    Be blunt. I have had so many guys with girlfriends hit on me the second the gf is a earshot away.. And everytime I told them what happen and said believe me or not cause its your man.. not mine. Then I walk away. Mind you I want not even semi-friends with any of these girls but if it were me I would want to know right away.

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    Id tell her the truth...You are not the one whos hurting her HE is!..Its better for them to break up b4 she has any kids with him and for her to get her life on track! She she takes it out on you than she has a lot of growing to do! Tell her

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    Default Re: Telling my friend her bf hit on me...

    Have you told her yet?
    let us know what happened......

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