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Thread: My kid will soon have a prison father

  1. #1
    Senior Member NikoWhite's Avatar
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    Duh My kid will soon have a prison father

    Biggest mistakeof my lufe. Ling ass story into simplicity-
    Two days before 18 he foynd me on myspace.
    Day i turned 18 I moved in
    He convinced me to strip
    Lived off me. Loser is over twice my age. With three other kids
    Hid my birth control
    Got knocked up
    Married him dilusional trying to have a family for my child.
    Always has been in and out of jail

    .... To the point now. Hes up for two fraud feloning, repeating DUI's, and drug charges.

    >>>>> what a winner. I know. Now i would look at a girl and say I wouldn't touch that guy with a 10 foot pole. But I was young, dumb (as hell).

    He is so messed up during our divorce (which finally ends july8!!!) he has no custody, no visitation rights. I have an OP on him because he would send me obsession texts at all hours all day and night. Then threatened me and my bf ( to me, because my new bf is huge).

    Im just worried what im going to tell my kid someday. I wish this pos wasnt his father. Its embarrassing. I feel like I skrewed my child in life. Im worried hell blame me. Hate me. Be an angry child because he doesnt have a present father.

    ..... My head spins all the time. I feel sick.

    At a loss

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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: My kid will soon have a prison father

    That's horrible. I'm sorry, and I'm glad you're a stronger person now. Don't worry too much about your kid. If he/she asks about their father, you can choose to tell them the truth without too much detail ("your father made some mistakes and is taking his punishment right now") or just tell him something along the lines of "your father can't be with us anymore." As long as they're young, there's no need to go into any more in-depth than that. Kids don't need to know the whole, detailed truth. As they get older, they'll probably figure it out for themselves.

    If my father was a scummy douchebag, I would not blame my mother because he's not around. You didn't make him a douchebag. I would hate my father and be ashamed of him for being such a lowlife. You didn't screw the child - he did. You made mistakes, but what can you do about it now? You had the kid so treat them to the best life you can now. As long as you're being a responsible, loving parent, I'm sure your child will turn out fine. They may miss having a father-figure in their life but as they grow and figure out the truth, they shouldn't blame you for it.

    Yes, you were young and naive. No, it wasn't the best idea to try to have a family with this man. But now you have a kid and you can't take that back. There's no use beating yourself up about it now. Don't stress yourself thinking about what you should or shouldn't have done to make the situation different - you can't change it now. Focus on the present and what you can do to be a good mom.

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    Featured Member pussyinboots's Avatar
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    Default Re: My kid will soon have a prison father

    Quote Originally Posted by NikoWhite View Post
    Biggest mistakeof my lufe. Ling ass story into simplicity-
    Two days before 18 he foynd me on myspace.
    Day i turned 18 I moved in
    He convinced me to strip
    Lived off me. Loser is over twice my age. With three other kids
    Hid my birth control
    Got knocked up
    Married him dilusional trying to have a family for my child.
    Always has been in and out of jail

    .... To the point now. Hes up for two fraud feloning, repeating DUI's, and drug charges.

    >>>>> what a winner. I know. Now i would look at a girl and say I wouldn't touch that guy with a 10 foot pole. But I was young, dumb (as hell).

    He is so messed up during our divorce (which finally ends july8!!!) he has no custody, no visitation rights. I have an OP on him because he would send me obsession texts at all hours all day and night. Then threatened me and my bf ( to me, because my new bf is huge).

    Im just worried what im going to tell my kid someday. I wish this pos wasnt his father. Its embarrassing. I feel like I skrewed my child in life. Im worried hell blame me. Hate me. Be an angry child because he doesnt have a present father.

    ..... My head spins all the time. I feel sick.

    At a loss
    Aww babe - there's a long, long way to go before you have to talk to your child about their Father. Long enough, for you to be a brilliant Mom, and bring your kiddie up the best way possible, knowing right from wrong and having a decent sense of morals and compassion for others.

    If you can do that - there won't be much problem when the time comes to tell the story......

    You can do it....trust me.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "Good Girls keep diaries....Bad Girls don't have the time..!!"

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    Default Re: My kid will soon have a prison father

    Everybody makes mistakes and chooses the wrong people sometimes. We make mistakes. All u can do at this point is focus on urself and ur child. U have no control over where the father is..If hes in a nd out of jail etc.. Focus on making things as good and secure as u can. The more positivity u can bring into ur life and the childs even w small little things the better the situation. Its hard not to focus on the negative bc its painful and constantly there. Just keep ur head up and do the best u can with what u have in front of u. U will make it through .

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    Senior Member NikoWhite's Avatar
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    Default Re: My kid will soon have a prison father

    Thankyou so much for the supportive advice. I get so much judgment everywhere else. These few comments have actually given me hope and feel stronger. I really do appreciate it ladies.

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    Featured Member FiendishGyrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: My kid will soon have a prison father

    Here's a great situation where I feel, unless you think the father would come and track ya'll down someday, where it's better to lie and come up with a better father figure for the kid to be proud of than to deal with the reality of being related to such a loser and feeling like they'd have to hear his side one day.

    But then, I don't have kids so not the best source for advice like this.

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    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
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    Default Re: My kid will soon have a prison father

    Quote Originally Posted by FiendishGyrator View Post
    Here's a great situation where I feel, unless you think the father would come and track ya'll down someday, where it's better to lie and come up with a better father figure for the kid to be proud of than to deal with the reality of being related to such a loser and feeling like they'd have to hear his side one day.
    This. If the child is younger than four then he has no long term memory yet anyway, so this guy can be relegated to the discard bin and replaced with a man that can be a good father.

    Now there may be questions when he is older, but an explanation to the effect of "Bill/Bob/etc. didn't want a family but your father (whomever your husband is at the time) loves us and is your father in every way that matters."

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    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: My kid will soon have a prison father

    Quote Originally Posted by FiendishGyrator View Post
    Here's a great situation where I feel, unless you think the father would come and track ya'll down someday, where it's better to lie and come up with a better father figure for the kid to be proud of than to deal with the reality of being related to such a loser and feeling like they'd have to hear his side one day.

    But then, I don't have kids so not the best source for advice like this.

    I wouldnt ever recommend lying to them......You decide how much you want to tell them, and when you think your child is ready for it......a little at a time when they ask about it. If you arent going to let him back into your kids life(sounds like a good idea), you can tell your kid that the father left, and wont be coming back and you dont know where he is and its a good thing, because he was a bad guy.

    My wife's father left when she was very young, she doesnt remember him. Her mom re-married when she was 8 or 9...and after a couple of tough years....he was her dad. The only dad she ever had....she could care less who the biological father was and hasnt given it a 2nd though since i have known her...

    be honest about it when your kid is ready(you dont have to say jail, you can just say he 'left')......when your kid starts asking questions is a good clue that they are ready.

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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: My kid will soon have a prison father

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    This. If the child is younger than four then he has no long term memory yet anyway, so this guy can be relegated to the discard bin and replaced with a man that can be a good father.

    Now there may be questions when he is older, but an explanation to the effect of "Bill/Bob/etc. didn't want a family but your father (whomever your husband is at the time) loves us and is your father in every way that matters."
    I agree that this would be a good solution - if you find someone you want to be a part of your family. Don't just rush into trying to meet a guy so you can give a father to your kid before they get too old. I'm sure that's not what anyone here was implying, but I just feel the need to say it. It's a good idea, but don't try to force a family with a different guy unless you truly think he's fit for it - otherwise, the same shit will just happen all over again, and this time, the kid will be old enough to remember and have it affect them. If you can't find a guy to make a family with, find a different father-figure for your child - a family friend, an uncle, your father. All good choices for a stable male figure to look up to.

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    Featured Member FiendishGyrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: My kid will soon have a prison father

    Here I was thinking telling the kid the bio father died a hero, and then eventually giving him a real father figure to look up to.

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    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: My kid will soon have a prison father

    Quote Originally Posted by FiendishGyrator View Post
    Here I was thinking telling the kid the bio father died a hero, and then eventually giving him a real father figure to look up to.
    And then what happens when the bio father goes through rehab and reaches out to kid when he/she is 12 to ask for forgiveness.......or somehow contacts her in another way.......Now you have moody pre-teen who will now realize that her mom is a liar, and start to question everything she has told her.

    there is almost zero % chance that this wouldnt come back to bite her in the long run...

    Kids are tough, they will realize that not having a father is just the way their life is. Realizing that their sole parent has been lying to them about something so important for years.....will be MUCH harder for them to come to terms with.

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    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: My kid will soon have a prison father

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    I agree that this would be a good solution - if you find someone you want to be a part of your family. Don't just rush into trying to meet a guy so you can give a father to your kid before they get too old. I'm sure that's not what anyone here was implying, but I just feel the need to say it. It's a good idea, but don't try to force a family with a different guy unless you truly think he's fit for it - otherwise, the same shit will just happen all over again, and this time, the kid will be old enough to remember and have it affect them. If you can't find a guy to make a family with, find a different father-figure for your child - a family friend, an uncle, your father. All good choices for a stable male figure to look up to.

    yes...

    Loving involved mother AND father > Loving involved mother ONLY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Loving involved mother and uninterested father

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    Senior Member NikoWhite's Avatar
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    Default Re: My kid will soon have a prison father

    It's weird you would think id be super happy releived. But today in the mail I received his inmate/court details my son points at thim and says Dada. I know he does't know but I started to cry. It's just so sad. I literally made myself sick over it. Hit a depression. I was sooooo happy before, but then reality set in I guess.
    Why am I sad when me and my man have talked about marriage and adopting my son? He treats him like he is his. He loves him, even says it. I should be so happy. It's what I've wanted ever since I was pregnant. Now I have a workaholic makes great money (electrician), is great to my son, does anything I need, treats me better than any man ever has. Never been in trouble with the law. He's a great romodel.
    I have no reason to be depressed... But I am. I feel myself pushing away my boyfriend. It's messed up.
    Self sabatoge maybe? Afraid to try the family thing again and my son and I get hurt? I just dont get it.
    I have no emotion towards his father. He can be ass raped in jail snd bleed to death for all I care. He's a horrible man. Mentally cruel, possesive, pimped me, lived off me.
    Shouldn't I be toadting drinks to these papers? My son and I never have to deal with him again. He is safe now.

    I dont understand why I am so emotional.

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    God/dess Kylea2's Avatar
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    Default Re: My kid will soon have a prison father

    Quote Originally Posted by NikoWhite View Post
    Why am I sad when me and my man have talked about marriage and adopting my son? He treats him like he is his. He loves him, even says it. I should be so happy. It's what I've wanted ever since I was pregnant. Now I have a workaholic makes great money (electrician), is great to my son, does anything I need, treats me better than any man ever has. Never been in trouble with the law. He's a great romodel.
    I have no reason to be depressed... But I am. I feel myself pushing away my boyfriend. It's messed up.
    Self sabatoge maybe?
    Hindsight 20/20! It can be really hard to accept & face previous mistakes we've made, but the important thing is to learn from them. It's also hard to trust someone new when people in our past have been so horrible. You may want to go see a relationship counselor. A couselor could help you to realize all the things you learned from your ex or things you could have learned. Plus, they can help you get & stay on the right track with this new guy. If he's good to your son, & he's willing to adopt him, that could be one of the best things for you. My father adopted one of my brother's from a wife's previous marriage & the brother has no contact with his biological father... though my stepmother never lied about him. Boys tend to not be nearly as sentimental about family & parents as what girls are. Its more important that your son has a good father figure who loves him & will be there, but less important how that person comes into your son's life.
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