Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 45

Thread: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

  1. #1
    Veteran Member crazybeautiful28's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    in your dreams
    Posts
    285
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 13 Times in 7 Posts

    Thumbs down Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Hi ladies (and PREFERABLY men too!),

    I'm writing for some advice. I'm a little concerned about the amount of sex BF and I are having...or NOT having I should say...

    When we first started dating, we'd have sex AT LEAST 2-3 times a week, and now it seems like we barely even have it once a month.

    I've talked to BF about my concerns and discontent with our sex life and he's agreed that we need to have more sex and says that he'd try to initiate more (because for a while I was doing all the initiating). However, after one encounter, we usually fall back into the same routine and go another month w/o sex.

    BF tells me our lack of sex is due to his job and how many hours he works. He works 60 hours/week at his regular job, and goes to school full time on top of that for his masters, so he IS busy. On top of his regular job and school, he has a small business on the side that requires a few hours here and there.

    I just feel that our relationship is suffering because he's so busy all the time. I'm proud of him for all his accomplishments, and I want him to keep pursuing his goals, but I still think our relationship needs attention, more particularly our sex life.

    BF does make time for "us." When we are able to get out and do things, we usually go to a nice dinner and a movie--however, at the end of the night, he's usually too tired for sex.

    I feel BF is a little frustrated with my frustration and feels that I don't understand how busy/tired he is. Is it selfish of me to want sex more than once a month? Is that unrealistic? I know some people have it multiple times a week, but exactly HOW realistic is that once you've been in a relationship for a while? I just know that I don't feel as close to him as I would like to due to our lack of intimacy. I've been questioning whether or not I want to stay in a relationship in which measures aren't taken to ensure balance in our sex life (I've talked to him about it a FEW times).

    BF thinks he might have low testosterone (he is late 30's) because he says it's not that he isn't attracted to me, but that the "drive" just isn't there. Yet he hasn't gone to the dr. about it because he HATES dr's and is kind of ashamed.

    I just don't know what to do, or if my expectations are even fair! For ladies who only have sex once a month, are your guys happy with that? Are YOU happy with it?

    Men, what is your advice on how I should handle this?! And trust me, I initiate more than my share...

  2. #2
    God/dess MargaritaVillain's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    7,464
    Thanks
    6,056
    Thanked 11,733 Times in 4,862 Posts
    Blog Entries
    29

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Sex drive will usually wane due to exhaustion.
    The trick is to have sex BEFORE going out for date night. Make sex the priority, not the afterthought.
    If he's that busy, he's mostly-likely also quite stressed-out (which can also detract from sex drive). You may want to let him know that sex will help with stress... then prove it to him.

    Good luck and happy de-stressing!
    When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and have a party.

  3. #3
    Veteran Member crazybeautiful28's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    in your dreams
    Posts
    285
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 13 Times in 7 Posts

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Oooh good idea! I never thought of sex before going out. It's an added plus that we usually shower before going out too, so we'd be all clean.

  4. #4
    Moderator unbeleavable's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Atl
    Posts
    3,429
    Thanks
    4,881
    Thanked 2,349 Times in 1,220 Posts

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Hormones are very powerful, he may need some testosterone if his drive is that low. He is at the age where that sort of thing comes into play. Hope your sex life gets better, sex is a huge part of connecting.

  5. #5
    God/dess Trem's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    2,958
    Thanks
    1,714
    Thanked 3,253 Times in 1,343 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    You are not unreasonable, you are not selfish. Sex once a month would frustrate anyone with a normal sex drive, specially if you are in a committed relationship. You are entirely right in the way you feel. That however does not mean he can have more sex, or even that he should. I don't know how you handle it, there is really not a whole lot a guy can do if he isn't up for it. Some people are simply sexually incompatible. One thing i will suggest, that you probably already know given where we are talking about this, is that guys are extremely visual. We get turned one when we see a hot woman doing hot things more than anything else.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

  6. #6
    Senior Member DanceMami's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    169
    Thanks
    25
    Thanked 149 Times in 43 Posts
    My Mood
    Cold

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Im having the same problem and I SWEAR everything u wrote… OP , is like U read my mind.Im glad U started this thread.
    I am 26 and horny every 5 minutes. My man is 40, and when I met him 2 years ago…we had sex every chance we could get. Now he will sneak in some porn while Im gone, and he's good…while Im still horny at the end of the day. It kinda is hurtful when the sex isn't matching up…I want him, he doesn't want me. IDK what the deal is….Ive talked to him about it several times, and he;ll do the do…but then we get back into the old habit of me asking him for it and then finally getting it a week later.
    Who knows, but i know if this keeps up…Ill find someone else to do the job. No joke. ANd Ive warned him of this….
    Hope U guys get it worked out girl
    ---MEMBER SINCE 2005---

  7. #7
    Veteran Member crazybeautiful28's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    in your dreams
    Posts
    285
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 13 Times in 7 Posts

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Quote Originally Posted by DanceMami View Post
    Im having the same problem and I SWEAR everything u wrote… OP , is like U read my mind.Im glad U started this thread.
    I am 26 and horny every 5 minutes. My man is 40, and when I met him 2 years ago…we had sex every chance we could get. Now he will sneak in some porn while Im gone, and he's good…while Im still horny at the end of the day. It kinda is hurtful when the sex isn't matching up…I want him, he doesn't want me. IDK what the deal is….Ive talked to him about it several times, and he;ll do the do…but then we get back into the old habit of me asking him for it and then finally getting it a week later.
    Who knows, but i know if this keeps up…Ill find someone else to do the job. No joke. ANd Ive warned him of this….
    Hope U guys get it worked out girl

    Yeah, I'm 26 too and he's 38. He'll look at porn, but won't come fuck me. We've been together for 3 years though, so I don't want to threaten him with "finding someone else" but I am considering asking him to be in an open relationship...?

  8. #8
    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    6,429
    Thanks
    19,845
    Thanked 18,506 Times in 4,919 Posts
    My Mood
    Breezy

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    With that much going on, I would be completely exhausted and not up for much sex either. But if he can find the time and energy to masturbate to porn, he should be able to do the same with sex. When I had an insanely busy schedule a few months ago, I wasn't having much sex - but I also wasn't masturbating. I literally went to do it one time and was just like "fuck this, I'm taking a nap" instead lol

    There's nothing wrong with alone time with the porn but it shouldn't be outnumbering the sex you have with your partner, especially if you always claim you're too tired to have sex. I would bring this up to him and tell him it hurts you. Tell him the next time he's horny and feels like he has enough energy for porn, to come to you instead. If that kills his desire... well... I would say that's a problem.

    If sex is more important to you than time out, the next time he makes time to go out for dinner and a movie, ask to stay in and get delivery instead. Then snuggle up on the couch and get some sex in during the movie. I often am too tired after going out for the night to have sex - and that makes me feel bad but it happens.

    If he really thinks it's low testosterone, he needs to man up and go to the doctor. Even if he doesn't like them, even if he's embarrassed - what's more important to him? His refusal to do anything about this is hurting you - that should be enough motivation to get over it and do what needs to be done.

    You probably shouldn't expect the same level of sex as you had when you were first together, because he got busier and being busy really does take away sexual desire. I know that I often turned down sex because I just felt like I didn't have the energy to put forth effort and be good... I know anything would have been appreciated but... I just couldn't. But he should be working out a compromise that gives it to you more than once a month. If he won't - it's sad, but sex is an important part of a relationship. Maybe it's time to start exploring other options - an open relationship or possibly even a break up.

  9. #9
    God/dess
    Joined
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    6,947
    Thanks
    2,845
    Thanked 5,526 Times in 3,113 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Quote Originally Posted by crazybeautiful28 View Post
    Hi ladies (and PREFERABLY men too!),

    .


    BF does make time for "us." When we are able to get out and do things, we usually go to a nice dinner and a movie--however, at the end of the night, he's usually too tired for sex.



    Men, what is your advice on how I should handle this?! And trust me, I initiate more than my share...
    Why not do the sex instead of movie and dinner. Have something delivered after.

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to slowpoke For This Useful Post:


  11. #10
    Senior Member DanceMami's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    169
    Thanks
    25
    Thanked 149 Times in 43 Posts
    My Mood
    Cold

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Also keep in mind, its natural for sex to dwindle down a little bit after the first few months of a relationship…the "lust" stages.
    Which sucks…cuz Im naturally horny all the time… but I cant expect him to want me as often as i want him.
    The more disappointing part is, like U said, the porn. I can walk around naked fresh from the shower, hint that i want sex, give up and go to the store or whatever for a snack, come back and he has watched porn. ( i know from the nut rag under the bed has that fresh wet spot on it he doesn't know i know bout that)
    Its a bit hurtful…but Im thinking its laziness. Its easier to watch a porn real quick, get off, and go about ur business. Rather than fuck…try to get you off, then himself. Takes more work. Which brings me to my next point, selfishness….
    Men ::rolls eyes::

    Oh hey OP…. what does he say if he knows U are doing it yourself? If he finds that your vibrator has moved? Or that U have watched a porn without him around? Does he act jealous? If my man keeps me waiting too long, Ill use my vibe…and when he notices that its not in the same spot as it was before (im sure he notices it, secretly, like i know his nut rag, secretly) he gets jealous about it. . . .

    Selfish!
    ---MEMBER SINCE 2005---

  12. #11
    Veteran Member lfr's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2011
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    211
    Thanks
    64
    Thanked 40 Times in 31 Posts

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Quote Originally Posted by crazybeautiful28 View Post
    Men, what is your advice on how I should handle this?! And trust me, I initiate more than my share...
    it's hard, he's obviously under a LOT of stress and work right now. I think, if the rest of your relationship is solid, and you care about him, you can only wait it out. I mean, he'll probably want sex as much as you do, but when living stresses come out, he may be figuring he's helping you out more by providing and doing work stuff.

    Maybe a couple of days and/or nights you may have to actually wrestle him away from concerns and work, and force him to be romantic, but until certain things start to work out(probably in a few years) then, work will definitely outweigh sex for now. Figure, this is what some married people go through. If you can make this last, a marriage would probably work out (if wanted).

    BUT do NOT let his sexual stresses wander. This happens a lot! LET him know that you are to be the focus of his sexual moods, whenever they occur. DO not let him forget why he was attracted to you in the first place.

    Wish you guys all the best.
    I wish I knew what I was doing...

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to lfr For This Useful Post:


  14. #12
    Veteran Member crazybeautiful28's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    in your dreams
    Posts
    285
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 13 Times in 7 Posts

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Quote Originally Posted by DanceMami View Post

    Oh hey OP…. what does he say if he knows U are doing it yourself? If he finds that your vibrator has moved? Or that U have watched a porn without him around? Does he act jealous? If my man keeps me waiting too long, Ill use my vibe…and when he notices that its not in the same spot as it was before (im sure he notices it, secretly, like i know his nut rag, secretly) he gets jealous about it. . . .

    Selfish!
    He doesn't know, and BELIEVE ME, I am. I haven't masturbated this much since I was a virgin! He doesn't exactly go to my side of the bed (where I have my own drawer) so I doubt he would even ever notice. Hell, I'm not even sure he knows I even own a vibrator.

    As far as the porn goes, he only looks at porn, not watch movies. And I'm not 100% sure he's even masturbating! I have no clue! If he had a nut rag, I'd know, lol. (which BTW, that KILLED me).

    I think I will take your approach DanceMami and walk around naked fresh out of the shower. If he's resisting that, I'm whipping the vibrator out in front of him! Not a bad idea actually...

  15. #13
    Banned SweetNaughty's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    236
    Thanks
    49
    Thanked 57 Times in 44 Posts

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Hey I just want to post that not all men over 40 suffer from low testosterone!

  16. #14
    Veteran Member crazybeautiful28's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    in your dreams
    Posts
    285
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 13 Times in 7 Posts

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Quote Originally Posted by SweetNaughty View Post
    Hey I just want to post that not all men over 40 suffer from low testosterone!
    I know that. I'm just saying that's what he THINKS it might be. And he's later 30's, not even 40 yet.

  17. #15
    Curious Guest SidneyScarlet's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2011
    Location
    meowtown
    Posts
    3
    Thanks
    3
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    this has been an issue in my relationship from the get-go. After the first few lusty months wore off the sex stopped. Normal, of course. And now reading with you ladies, the porn-when-we-sneak-off thing is relatively normal. It absolutely hurts my feelings, and I have told him numerous times. The problem is resolved for a week or two and then it's back to square one. It also bothers the SHIT out of me that whatever we do has to be on his terms. I mean I can't even cuddle him or hold his hand unless he initiates it. When I try it's like he gives me enough to push me away again, you know?
    Whaaaaaat gives.
    Last edited by SidneyScarlet; 07-03-2011 at 09:07 PM.

  18. #16
    Veteran Member crazybeautiful28's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    in your dreams
    Posts
    285
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 13 Times in 7 Posts

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Quote Originally Posted by SidneyScarlet View Post
    this has been an issue in my relationship from the get-go. After the first few lusty months wore off the sex stopped. Normal, of course. And now reading with you ladies, the porn-when-we-sneak-off thing is relatively normal. It absolutely hurts my feelings, and I have told him numerous times. The problem is resolved for a week or two and then it's back to square one. It also bothers the SHIT out of me that whatever we do has to be on his terms. I mean I can't even cuddle him or hold his hand unless he initiates it. When I try it's like he gives me enough to push me away again, you know?
    Whaaaaaat gives.

    YEAH! Sex is on his terms only. Only when HE wants it. It's irritating.

  19. #17
    Senior Member DanceMami's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    169
    Thanks
    25
    Thanked 149 Times in 43 Posts
    My Mood
    Cold

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Well, I left my bf today. Packed up and moved out and am staying with a girlfriend now.
    I was in bed naked with him this morning, wanted sex but he didn't get the hint i guess ( i only sleep naked when i want it) so he got up. i got up went to the store, came back 10 minutes later..the nut rag is wet. Ok i let it go… i make him breakfast. took a shower, came over to sit with him on the couch, told him i want sex. he said U want some candy baby? (candy was what i call his thing lol) i said YES he said im almost done with this game… he was playing Madden. so i said Ok and went in the bed and waited. i heard the game end. i get excited. I hear the game start again. I think Ok he's gonna set it up then come in here. NOPE. He played a few minutes. So i got my vibe, did it myself, then went to the book store for a couple hours, irritated. I come back…THE NUT RAG IS WET AGAIN!! so i got pissed off and told him im done. I didn't say why, he didn't ask. I came over here to my friends house… then went home about 5 hours later cuz i forgot something….checked the nut rag… its GONE. But his laptop was out this time next to him on the couch. I figure he shoved the rag under the couch when I walked in. Then I left.

    WTF????
    ---MEMBER SINCE 2005---

  20. #18
    Senior Member DanceMami's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    169
    Thanks
    25
    Thanked 149 Times in 43 Posts
    My Mood
    Cold

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    But of course i cant confront him with this…without telling him I SNOOPED AROUND FOR YOUR NUT RAG TODAY… i mean…WHO DOES THAT?? lol So he has no idea why Im upset…. he didn't even ask. But he probably knows that i know, and just didn't say nothing.
    But its hurtful.
    wow sorry OP to thread jack…
    Im moving along! hope the shower idea helps!
    ---MEMBER SINCE 2005---

  21. #19
    God/dess 4everresolutions's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Great White North
    Posts
    3,605
    Thanks
    2,475
    Thanked 2,620 Times in 1,383 Posts
    My Mood
    Chatty

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Quote Originally Posted by slowpoke View Post
    Why not do the sex instead of movie and dinner. Have something delivered after.
    Screw date night. Seriously - stay home and screw. Who needs dinner and a movie when you're just horny and tired? Put a movie in the DVD player, and fuck on the couch. Then order sushi, go at it again in the shower, and get some extra sleep.

    Sometimes sex is kinda - work. You have to make time for it and make it a priority or it falls by the way-side, especially after you've been together for a couple years and the "new-couple" phase has passed.



  22. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to 4everresolutions For This Useful Post:


  23. #20
    God/dess 4everresolutions's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Great White North
    Posts
    3,605
    Thanks
    2,475
    Thanked 2,620 Times in 1,383 Posts
    My Mood
    Chatty

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Quote Originally Posted by DanceMami View Post
    But of course i cant confront him with this…without telling him I SNOOPED AROUND FOR YOUR NUT RAG TODAY… i mean…WHO DOES THAT?? lol So he has no idea why Im upset…. he didn't even ask. But he probably knows that i know, and just didn't say nothing.
    But its hurtful.
    wow sorry OP to thread jack…
    Im moving along! hope the shower idea helps!
    The idea of a nut-rag really grosses me out. Is it like - the same rag he uses to splooge into every time he gets off? Does he just leave it laying around? Does he wash it? Ughh.......

    What happened to good old tissue paper? Just flush it when you're done.

    But a Nut-rag? :barf:



  24. #21
    Senior Member DanceMami's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    169
    Thanks
    25
    Thanked 149 Times in 43 Posts
    My Mood
    Cold

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    IDk he just uses it and throws it in his closet in a bag in the corner. . .
    ---MEMBER SINCE 2005---

  25. #22
    Featured Member smeca's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2011
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    1,150
    Thanks
    474
    Thanked 1,338 Times in 566 Posts
    My Mood
    Shocked

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    I read an article about this kind of situation today... the couple involved started a kind of 'date night' thing, where each week one would set up a seduction for the other. Like, notes around the house when you get in telling you to go the bedroom and wait naked on the bed... going to dinner with a remote control vibrator that he controls (!) etc. Seemed kinda fun.

  26. #23
    God/dess MargaritaVillain's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    7,464
    Thanks
    6,056
    Thanked 11,733 Times in 4,862 Posts
    Blog Entries
    29

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Wow, he would rather whack-off than have actual sex? Good move to leave his warped ass.
    Mami, Sidney & Crazy... sorry to hear you are all dealing with this.
    There are some fucked-up men out there.

    btw... that "nut rag" concept described above is really nasty
    When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and have a party.

  27. #24
    Senior Member DanceMami's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    169
    Thanks
    25
    Thanked 149 Times in 43 Posts
    My Mood
    Cold

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    Yes. The thing that frustrates me is that he says NO I DIDNT when I ask him why he did himself rather than me. He was like DO U HAVE A CAMERA IN HERE OR SOMETHING??? I know he's wondering how the fu*k I know every time. That damn rag gives it away! So gross.
    ---MEMBER SINCE 2005---

  28. #25
    Senior Member DanceMami's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    169
    Thanks
    25
    Thanked 149 Times in 43 Posts
    My Mood
    Cold

    Default Re: Sex in a relationship....or lack thereof...

    crazybeautiful….. Let us know when U get ya some!!!
    SHEESH might as well get my excitement thru you! LOL
    ---MEMBER SINCE 2005---

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Frustrated with lack of sex
    By Allice in forum Life Support
    Replies: 41
    Last Post: 04-16-2011, 06:25 PM
  2. less money from stripping due to lack of customers or lack of them buying shows
    By catseyes in forum Stripping (was Stripping General)
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 05-06-2010, 02:57 PM
  3. Replies: 13
    Last Post: 01-26-2008, 11:22 AM
  4. my abs...or lack thereof, lol
    By Vivre et Respirer in forum Body Business
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 04-15-2007, 11:32 PM
  5. Sleep.. or lack thereof
    By Kalligirl in forum Stripping (was Stripping General)
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 09-08-2006, 02:08 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •