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Thread: Ok, tell me this is weird for guys to say...

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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Ok, tell me this is weird for guys to say...

    (**Weird for guys to say** Sorry about the typo in the title.)

    In every real relationship I've ever had, it seems like guys are obsessed with how long we have been/will be together and feel the need to comment on it - and in really weird ways too. All my previous bf's made comments about us "breaking up someday." For instance, my first bf told me that I was going to "go through a lot of guys besides him," my second bf made comments about how "it's not like we're gonna be together forever. How good of friends we are after we break up is what's really gonna matter" ..... Just.... PLEASE tell me this is weird. I thought it was so odd and when I would tell my friends, they thought it was odd too because that's never happened to them.

    I understand that realistically, most relationships you enter into will end and not become a "happily-ever-after marriage" before you find that one that does... I don't act clingy and start talking about "the future" and saying how we're meant to be or anything. I believe in entering a relationship with the intention of seeing if it can work, and it either will or it won't. But if you look at someone and say to yourself "oh yeah, that's definitely not gonna last" why would you even bother to make it an actual exclusive relationship? It just seems so freaking weird to me to call someone your SO and basically be mentally counting down the days until you break up.

    My current bf has never said anything exactly like this - but he does keep close tabs on how long we've been together like "Hey, I was able to keep you around for 2 months!" making a joke in reference to the fact that he usually gets bored of his gf's after only a few months. He's still very affectionate and a great bf, and I know it's a joke but it's kinda off-putting... like he's warning me that my time is almost up or something....

    I guess I'm just curious about this behavior. If I was super clingy and the kind of girl to get super attached really quickly and start talking about how "he's the one" and "our future" all the time, I would see why they would feel the need to say these things, to back me down. But... I'm not that way at all... Girls, tell me if you've been with guys like this... Guys, wth? lol Please give insight as to what the hell this phenomenon is all about.

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    Veteran Member The_Ecdysiast's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    Hmmm, this is rather interesting. I have not encountered this phenomenon personally, but definitely would like to see the insight given as well!

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    God/dess Trem's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    That IS seriously weird. Wtf who does that?
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    God/dess DesuvsDeath's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    But if you look at someone and say to yourself "oh yeah, that's definitely not gonna last" why would you even bother to make it an actual exclusive relationship?
    You can still enjoy being with someone even when you know it won't work out in the long run. And it's hard to enjoy someone in the mean time when you're sharing them with multiple others, hence the desire for exclusivity with some you don't intend to date long term.

    I make comments like the ones you've mentioned to my SO. I care for him... and I enjoy being around him... but I'm not going to marry him... and I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with him... so I see no point in misleading him into thinking I have those intentions.
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    Quote Originally Posted by DesuvsDeath View Post
    You can still enjoy being with someone even when you know it won't work out in the long run. And it's hard to enjoy someone in the mean time when you're sharing them with multiple others, hence the desire for exclusivity with some you don't intend to date long term.

    I make comments like the ones you've mentioned to my SO. I care for him... and I enjoy being around him... but I'm not going to marry him... and I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with him... so I see no point in misleading him into thinking I have those intentions.
    I figured this was the common reason. I know that sometimes it's fun to be with someone even if you don't know if it'll last long-term. But I would think that people would either not know for sure or say "ok, yeah, let's end this because it's pointless." Like I said, I don't go into a relationship thinking "marriage!" but I don't go into it counting down the days either... I guess if I wasn't serious about someone I would just say "let's be casual" rather than waste my time being exclusive with them. I guess you disagree. I personally would rather have the freedom to keep looking for someone I am remotely serious about than be tied down to someone that I clearly don't see going anywhere.

    It just seems like kind of a cruel thing to say someone after asking them to be your gf... like my first bf literally gave me this speech on our first date.... wth? lol

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    Veteran Member AngelKing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    That behavior is peculiar enough that I can't help but notice that the one common denominator in all those cases mentioned was you. Is it possible that you are giving your boyfriends some kind of signal that your relationship is on a time limit without you even realizing it? Are you not acting committed enough to the point where they are using these comments as a way to feel out your level of commitment?

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    God/dess DesuvsDeath's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    See... that's the thing, though... I think it's more of a waste of time casually dating someone who is dating a bunch of other people...
    Casual dating as what you do with people toward whom you feel no emotion or connection; it typically doesn't last more than a week or two and a couple of dates...
    For me exclusive dating has all been by unspoken agreement in situations where we enjoyed each other's company so much there was no desire to seek out other people.

    That's, I guess, the point of this sort of thing - To enjoy the experience of being with someone you care about... regardless of the future.
    You can never know what may happen in a relationship, or even in a marriage... there's a good chance it'll end eventually... so why should you eliminate what could be a good experience and a good relationship with someone just because it won't last forever?
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    Quote Originally Posted by DesuvsDeath View Post
    You can never know what may happen in a relationship, or even in a marriage... there's a good chance it'll end eventually... so why should you eliminate what could be a good experience and a good relationship with someone just because it won't last forever?
    I understand what you're saying and I appreciate the insight. But I guess this is exactly my thought process - you never know. So if you don't know, why bother saying "well, you know we're gonna break up someday, right?" I think comments like "Well, it's not like we're getting married" are one thing to kinda put a reality check on someone, but specifically talking about the future breakup like it was for sure gonna happen in a few months was really a downer... once someone basically sets in stone that you will break up - not just that they don't know for sure - I, at least, lose my enjoyment in the relationship thinking "will today be the day?" I mean, you might wonder if it'll end eventually anyway, but at least you don't know for sure and are just waiting for the inevitable bomb to drop.

    Idk, I guess personally, I would rather not waste my time if I knew for sure it would end, no matter how good it may be in the meantime. I guess others are different. I appreciate the insight on this.
    Last edited by Aurora_Sunset; 07-07-2011 at 04:36 PM.

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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    Quote Originally Posted by AngelKing View Post
    That behavior is peculiar enough that I can't help but notice that the one common denominator in all those cases mentioned was you. Is it possible that you are giving your boyfriends some kind of signal that your relationship is on a time limit without you even realizing it? Are you not acting committed enough to the point where they are using these comments as a way to feel out your level of commitment?
    Yeah, I thought it was weird that this happens to me all the time but none of my friends have had it happen to them... I really don't know what kind of signals I send out. I think I act committed, but I try really hard to keep a semi-laid back attitude in the beginning so I don't come off as clingy and pushy. These comments always happen within the first month. I mean, clearly I like them and I act like it, but I hardly start thinking or acting along the lines of "will it last forever or not" in that very first month. And once a guy says something like this, I don't wanna be creepy by being like "well, how do you know we won't get married?" after only a month of dating... I think if you're gonna say anything like this, I mean, jeez, at least wait a few months so you get a an actual feel for the relationship before deciding that you know for sure how things will play out...

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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    I would kinda find it weird because Ive never casually dated. I either really really like someone (as in potential for forever) or sort of like them. If I sort of like them then I dont see the point. If you really like the guy he might be testing your reaction. Instead of saying "wait a minute, arent we getting married?" If a guy mentions about breaking up Id probably just joke with them and say "breaking up? Why when I realise you fart in your sleep? Honey I already know that" and tickle and cuddle him or something. Or "no way man you arent going anywhere... Im almost finished the rape dungeon Ill be keeping you in".

    These comments are kinda my sense of humour so I dont know if they would work per se but there is truth in every joke right? Its how I personally would signal I want things to last without scaring him away. And if the conversation became more serious I would just be straight up and tell him you like him and although your not about to turn psycho on him but that you like him and want to be with him and just leave it at that. If he's still saying its a temporary thing, then its probably time to move on and keep looking.

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    Veteran Member innes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    I haven't dated much but neither of the guys I've been with have said anything like that. That does seem odd. With your current boyfriend though, I don't think that's too long. "keeping you around for 2 months" - that's kinda cool, if anything. You should be happy to be with him for 2 months, right? I would think of it positively.

    When someone is predicting you will break up, that is a problem!

    Yeah, like it logically seems like something you do as it is not very common. But acting laid back, like you're loyal but not obsessively committed - I think that's the way to be.
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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    How old are these guys? I remember guys saying stuff like this but it was when I was like 17-21 and they were young and stupid.

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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    I think it is a pretty common thing. I personally think it is because the guy feels insecure with himself or has been burnt before. I think it is even more common when you work in the sex industry or just good looking enough to wear other people comment on you. I think it's their way of trying to gauge whether or not you will stay exclusive with him or not. Like, saying it just to hear your reaction. I also think in some cases it's their way of trying to talk you out of the relationship because aye they have doubts. Rather than just plain out dumping you, they are trying to implant it in your brain that the relationship will not last, so that way you already have that in your mind for when the breakup is coming. I dunno. Men are nuts. But I do think it's a great way to doom a relationship no matter what they are trying to do.
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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    How old are you? Those comments would bother me so much. Only when I was very young could I see the end of the relationship. When you talk about your expectations with a partner you should be clear that is not that you expect to get married, but that you don't want to be in a relationship where one of you can already see the end.

    As for your current situation, I don't really see the problem. Sounds like your BF is trying to give himself a pat on the back for not fucking it up.
    Last edited by shasta; 07-12-2011 at 01:45 PM.

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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    Quote Originally Posted by shasta View Post
    How old are you? Those comments would bother me so much. Only when I was very young could I see the end of the relationship. When you talk about your expectations with a partner you should be clear that is not that you expect to get married, but that you don't want to be in a relationship where one of you can already so the end.

    As for your current situation, I don't really see the problem. Sounds like your BF is trying to give himself a pat on the back for not fucking it up.
    Yes, I am fairly young. Realistically I knew I wasn't going to marry the guys I was dating at 18/19 years old. They weren't super-serious relationships by any stretch of the imagination. Which is fine to know and think - and even say something to the extent of not being serious - it's just weird to have someone say "well you know we're gonna break up, right?" after only a month or, christ, on the first date like my first bf did. It was especially weird to me since I asked all my friends of the same age and no one had ever had a guy say something like that to them.... well, I guess now I'll know to run as soon as I hear it, if I ever hear it again.

    You're right - I shouldn't worry about my current bf. Thank you for offering that explanation.

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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    Yep get these comments often. To me it either says he just thinks of me for sex, a meantime girlfriend (meaning he's still looking)or he's insecure. I personally know when I meet someone within a few dates whether I will be together with them for a long time or if it's just now. The guys who I've dated who were insecure will often say something like "I know you'll get bored of me" or "I know you won't to marry me because I'm not good enough". These guys tend to be clingy and clingy men annoy me.

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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    I have experienced the completely opposite thing with every guy I have ever dated.... Like 3 months into every relationship the guy has told me that he want's to/is going to marry me eventually. I think its because my nature is to be selfless/a total pleaser to someone I love.

    weird thing is that I'M the one who has ended every relationship... haha.


    Maybethe reason they say stuff like that to you is because they care about you and are insecure about themselves and are fishing for a statement that will provide them with a sense of relationship security... ??? IDK.
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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird for guys to say...

    depends how soon they ex's said that stuff close to the break-up. maybe their mind was already made up to leave or deep down knew it wasnt gonna work out.

    maybe they just down have a brain to mouth filter.
    my so n i sometimes say we cant believe we been together for 2 year already but its mostly out of amusement how quickly time flies and were the longest partners we had.
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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird to guys to say...

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    That IS seriously weird. Wtf who does that?
    Totally agree! Who the hell says shit like that??

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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird for guys to say...

    ^^ Right? I mean, I get saying something to extent of not being "serious" or whatever. But the second a guy would say something about breaking up with me, I would pretty much withdraw and that's what would ultimately send our relationship down the shitter. I would get accused of "not really caring about the relationship" and I'm like "Dude, you told me point-blank that you were gonna break up with me anyway - why would I put forth effort into a relationship I know is going to end?"

    Actually, I talked to one of my exes the other day. He's had this other "girlfriend" for the past year, but they've been technically "not together" for like 6 months. He told me "We were gonna break up in June." I'm like "oh really, why?" He just shrugged and said "That's just when we decided we would break up." Like... he went beyond saying "someday we'll break up" to actually planning the specific date... It didn't stick but still... wtf? He keeps planning break-ups with this girl and he wonders why it isn't working out?

    Just wanted to share that story lol

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    Default Re: Ok, tell me this is weird for guys to say...

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    My current bf has never said anything exactly like this - but he does keep close tabs on how long we've been together like "Hey, I was able to keep you around for 2 months!" making a joke in reference to the fact that he usually gets bored of his gf's after only a few months. He's still very affectionate and a great bf, and I know it's a joke but it's kinda off-putting... like he's warning me that my time is almost up or something....
    Maybe you're reading too much into it. In the first case, usually depending on the guy's age, they're just not ready for commitment - at least they're being honest! In your BF's case - maybe it is actually a case of him feeling a bit insecure about what he may think could be a real possibility of losing you to someone else! If the relationship is going well, enjoy it, you're obviously doing something right and are a good match. Don't over think it or think the worst.

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