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  1. #26
    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Don't threaten, just do it. Call someone as suggested above, & at least try to make a plan? You're afraid to leave, but what about staying? You have a much better chance if you leave. Anything could & will set him off anytime. I know you're scared, the longer you stay, the greater the risk. What if he paralyzes or kills you, then what?


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    I am not sure if I am ready. I don't really know how to be strong and leave. I guess I will start making a plan today? I am scared I won't go through with it. I don't know how to explain it because like going to a domestic violence shelter seems dramatic. But I guess my relationship is worse than it seems to me?
    Saying leave sounds so easy and if I was on the outside looking in I would be saying who cares just leave. But when it's real its so hard....

  3. #28
    God/dess roast's Avatar
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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Before we let skepticism run wild just remember that there is definitely someone out there reading this forum who is in or will be in that situation but can't or won't speak up - so I hope for archive purposes they find it... or reading this gives them a moment of clarity.

    To the OP, I think fear or co-dependence is keeping you from acting. I knew a friend who went to a shelter because of longterm verbal abuse and the threat of violence... so no your situation is not dramatic





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  5. #29
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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Quote Originally Posted by xoxDoll View Post
    I am not sure if I am ready. I don't really know how to be strong and leave. I guess I will start making a plan today? I am scared I won't go through with it. I don't know how to explain it because like going to a domestic violence shelter seems dramatic. But I guess my relationship is worse than it seems to me?
    Saying leave sounds so easy and if I was on the outside looking in I would be saying who cares just leave. But when it's real its so hard....
    I wish there was something I could say to just MAKE you leave, but all that could've been said has already been said and the ball, from the start has been in your court, and it still is. I guess all it comes down to is how to view yourself- do you WANT to be abused by this guy? Staying with him is saying yes, but posting on here, asking for help is saying no- so which is it?

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Quote Originally Posted by Sam38g View Post
    Now you seem like a con artist. Would they put him in jail? REALLY! Guess you have never watched a lifetime movie in your life with that statement.
    I just thought if I don't have proof it will be his word against mine?

    He has agorphobia yet your afraid he will chase you down. If he truly had it then you wouldn't be worried at all about him walking out the door at all.
    I think if he was in enough of a crazy rage he would leave just fine. I don't know though maybe he wouldn't...

    I assume you do go to the bank? Grocery store? run errands? pay bills? or do you both live as total shut ins?
    We go to the grocery store 2 times a month if that...everything else is done with online shopping and bills are paid by credit card

    You threaten to leave or call the cops as control. Dail once and see if they don't show up or call back? Because they will.

    Before posting here, I would have assumed you did research on abuse to see what options you had.

    Here are some cold hard facts:

    A man who kills his partner during an abusive relationship will spend less than 10 years in jail. Judges, prosecutors and juries believed she could have left at any time and deserved the punishment for being so stupid in staying with his ass. No matter what the threats of danger there were.

    If a woman kills her abuser then she will get 20 years or more, even if it was proven to be extremely violent relationship.

    I have had several friends in abusive relationships. I have picked them up in the middle of the night, alone to have them go back the very next day. I remained friends with them, but they could not complain about the abuse. If they are willing to tolerate being a victim then why should my ears be victim to the stories of abuse they thought wasn't bad enough to leave over.

    If you truly wanted out, then you would find a way. You would walk out the door and keep going without looking back.

    I do NOT trust those who are just looking for sympathy, you chose to stay.
    I am not looking for sympathy exactly but..some form of help. I don't have anyone to ask for help. I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want to stay but I am scared to leave...

    Sam
    ......

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    I don't know how to do the quote thingies, so I'm just going to wing it...

    You say that you don't know you are ready. Hun, you posted here about your abuse. Believe me you're ready. I can tell you exactly HOW to be strong. For one, take the advice from these ladies, do what they tell you. They didn't get strong by themselves, they had SUPPORT. It's right here in front of you. If you don't go through with it, you may never go through life, get it? You don't have to go to a shelter but it IS an option. That's what it's there for? Do you think you're the only one going to a shelter? Believe me, battered women are EVERYWHERE. I know, it sounds easy. Its easy for me to tell you to leave. I'll tell you something though that a good friend told me and for this situation, it fits perfectly. "Sometimes we must do the very things we don't want to do to save our lives" You are in fear, perfectly understandable. Immobilized.. I get it. You can choose to leave or stay. You know what will happen if you stay.. and you don't know what will happen if you leave. But, you can bet your ASS it's going to be better than what you are going through now. You have a choice. Always. You choose to be with him, you can choose to be without him. It's a choice. He fucking HIT you. Seriously. This is a no brainer here, and you know it. So, do the right thing.

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    I am sure there are many help lines and the police can help you.
    Call 911
    They can help you leave.

    Doesnt get more simple than that. Being scared of the world, is not going to help you.
    You have let his phobia take over your life.

    pick up any phone and just dial 911. It is really that easy.

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Quote Originally Posted by xoxDoll View Post
    ......
    Honestly, there's really nothing else to be said here. As Sam said, if you really wanted to leave, you already would have.

    Leave or don't leave, it's your life- you make your decisions and you pay for them. You are responsible for yourself.

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Quote Originally Posted by roast View Post
    Before we let skepticism run wild just remember that there is definitely someone out there reading this forum who is in or will be in that situation but can't or won't speak up - so I hope for archive purposes they find it... or reading this gives them a moment of clarity.

    To the OP, I think fear or co-dependence is keeping you from acting. I knew a friend who went to a shelter because of longterm verbal abuse and the threat of violence... so no your situation is not dramatic
    I feel bad that you guys are thinking that my post is not for real. But still thank you for helping.

    Like everyone is saying why would I be scared to leave when bad stuff is already happening...is because its almost normal to me. I'm scared when it happens but its just become part of life. I don't want it to be like that and I know it shouldn't. I am also scared to be alone. I know that's not healthy but I have been around him for 4 years every single day. I can see how stupid a lot of this sounds. I know this is not healthy at all but I just don't know how I find the strength to leave.

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    Featured Member bubblegumbitch's Avatar
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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    i totally agree with what has been said here. when you do leave definately get a PPO against him, sometimes that is enough to keep him away, but to ensure your safety for if he does come after you, you can call the cops and he can be arrested! i know abusive relationships are really fucking hard to get out of, but once you do, it is soooo worth it. it is not as easy some may think cuz it really is sooo much more than the physical abuse but the mental prison they keep you locked into. but it really does help that you are the breadwinner for sure cuz alot of women don't leave cuz they are so financially dependant on that person...it really saddens me to see women be abused like this or any way for that matter, but you deserve to be free and not be imprisoned in a horrible relationship. NO WOMAN derserves any type of abuse and YOU ARE WORTH soooo much more than this, i will keep you in my heart and prayers...just remember that there is a rainbow after every horrible storm...you will get through this!

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Quote Originally Posted by Blueyedgirl View Post
    I don't know how to do the quote thingies, so I'm just going to wing it...

    You say that you don't know you are ready. Hun, you posted here about your abuse. Believe me you're ready. I can tell you exactly HOW to be strong. For one, take the advice from these ladies, do what they tell you. They didn't get strong by themselves, they had SUPPORT. It's right here in front of you. If you don't go through with it, you may never go through life, get it? You don't have to go to a shelter but it IS an option. That's what it's there for? Do you think you're the only one going to a shelter? Believe me, battered women are EVERYWHERE. I know, it sounds easy. Its easy for me to tell you to leave. I'll tell you something though that a good friend told me and for this situation, it fits perfectly. "Sometimes we must do the very things we don't want to do to save our lives" You are in fear, perfectly understandable. Immobilized.. I get it. You can choose to leave or stay. You know what will happen if you stay.. and you don't know what will happen if you leave. But, you can bet your ASS it's going to be better than what you are going through now. You have a choice. Always. You choose to be with him, you can choose to be without him. It's a choice. He fucking HIT you. Seriously. This is a no brainer here, and you know it. So, do the right thing.
    Thank you so much for this...I don't know exactly what you said that made me feel so much better about leaving but something did. I will do it.
    Thank you all for your help

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  17. #37
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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    If he beats you so that camming is no longer a job you can do. Guarantee he will leave the house to find another younger prettier girl to live off of.

    A dick knows no loyalty.
    Where will you be when you cant cam due to illness, pregnancy or old age? Will he still love you then? Or will he have you out on the streets hooking for him?

    This is a pimp. You owe no pimp loyality or love. You owe no pimp money. This is what pimps do, is con woman and beat them.

    If he beats you now when you don't want to work, imagine what he will do when the money runs dry.

    Stop being his meal ticket and punching bag.

    Parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, old friends, there is someone out there with a couch you can crash on until you get a handle on life.

    Call 911 no matter what you will get a beating. What is one more if it leads to your freedom. Call the police and tell them the truth you are being held hostage and forced to be a sex slave. See how fast you get help.

    Sam

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Everything that can be said to help you has pretty much been said.There is only so much any of the ladies on here can say or do for you. Maybe you don't have anyone and you feel like you can't do this alone. Truth is that you're gonna get killed by this guy one day and then its gonna be too late! you wont have time to post for help after that and no one will know what happened to you. Seems like the only time you have the balls to do anything about this is after he hits you so maybe next time he hits you (IF YOU SURVIVE) then maybe you can use that as motivation to leave. There is so much to live for. Love you're self and value you're life because if you don't then no one will!

    PS he does not love you! he's using you!

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  21. #39
    Senior Member BadNews's Avatar
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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    No one can do this for you. Being alone is not as scary as a grown ass man punching you? Your choices are call the police and press charges and follow through...or stay and possibly be beaten to death (not a great way to die I am sure) or be severely beaten (also not fun) and spend your life with someone who doesn't love you. YES I said he DOESN'T LOVE YOU. Sounds harsh I know, I have been hit in the kidneys so hard I couldn't walk, by a man I bore children for. You would think he loved me since I gave him the greatest gift in life huh? Nope. Walk now or be carried out, either way it's your choice. No one can do it for you.

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    wow.

    okay. apparently some people live in a fantasy world where the police are always there to help you and your family will save you from everything. the fact is, a lot of the time, the police will not do shit - it depends a lot on where you live and who the police are and what color your skin is and how much money you have and how lucky you are. i have had several family members die from domestic violence, even when the perpetrators were violating their parole months beforehand. the police did absolutely fucking nothing about it, despite numerous house calls, reports, requests for help, and attempts to get protection orders (there are no domestic violence shelters where i am from, the closest ones are a few hours car trip away). also, not everyone has family (i have almost none), especially family that has the resources to help in a situation like this.

    please research victim's advocates and domestic violence groups in your area. if you don't know where to start looking, let someone know your location and research for you (i would be happy to do this). they can help you work with the police and get out of there and are usually a better long term solution than the police. they can help with housing, shelter, anonymity and safe space in ways the police sometimes cannot and will not. they can also help you navigate the legal system, which is NOT cut and dried and does not always err on the side of the victim in cases of domestic violence.

    i'm not saying don't contact the police. take pictures of the beatings. DO contact the police. please take his ass to court and have him sent to jail. but i also want to be realistic...calling 911 first may not be your best bet - in my experience that leads to the police coming to the house and telling him politely not to do it again and leaving. you might get lucky - they might believe you and do something about it - but you might not, and then you will end up in a worse situation. having an advocate who knows the legal system and can fight for your rights can make a huge difference, and they can hook you up with resources so you can find another living situation.
    Last edited by tinydancer23; 07-20-2011 at 03:17 PM.

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    I don't want to call the police. I don't want to cause drama. I just want to sneakily save money. Move to some place far away and forget about it all.

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    anyone who treats you like this truly does NOT LOVE YOU!!! actions speak louder than words and he has proven so time and time again...know you're worth and get out asap!

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Quote Originally Posted by xoxDoll View Post
    Saying leave sounds so easy and if I was on the outside looking in I would be saying who cares just leave. But when it's real its so hard....
    No. It's really not.
    I had a boyfriend get mad and hit me. I called the police. They showed up. I grabbed what was important, filed a report and left.
    I called and requested their supervision when I came back to get the rest of my shit... so he couldn't do anything. I moved... didn't tell him where... problem solved.

    It's not hard. It's not complicated. It's not dramatic.
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Quote Originally Posted by DesuvsDeath View Post
    No. It's really not.
    I had a boyfriend get mad and hit me. I called the police. They showed up. I grabbed what was important, filed a report and left.
    I called and requested their supervision when I came back to get the rest of my shit... so he couldn't do anything. I moved... didn't tell him where... problem solved.

    It's not hard. It's not complicated. It's not dramatic.
    i agree, putting it into action isn't hard, it's finding the strength to do it is the real challenge for most cuz of all the abuse that has been endured. abusive relationships suck alot of energy out of a person so you just gotta dig real deep to find yours.

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Quote Originally Posted by MzStar View Post
    Plan?! wtf just move out or move him out.
    Moving yourself out is the best bet.
    I personally have issues believing this post.
    Domestic Voilence laws are so strict if a neighbor even thought you are being abused they would arrest him. If you have no neighbors. then what about the family ? 4 years my ass .......
    I Cry TROLL!!!!

    Disregard if you are real......but this simply doesn't even sound like 2011 more like 1998.
    Just call the fucking Police.
    mmz star i think your post is very unsensitive and dumb sometimes relationships aren't that easy where you can just get out especially if you love the person and he is using psychotic bullcrap on you thats like when people would tell me to just eat when i was anorexic its not that easy theres alot of psychological stuff to get over so dont just say o have him arrested or just leave because when your in a situation like that its not as easy said as done this girl came here for help and your belittling her calling her a troll because she is calling out for help well maybe your the one whos a troll
    slut it out responsibly and don't forget to smile while you're whoring out!!

    Glitter is like herpes that shit never goes away!



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    And I am thankful for every minute of it!

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  35. #46
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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Quote Originally Posted by xoxDoll View Post
    I don't want to call the police. I don't want to cause drama. I just want to sneakily save money. Move to some place far away and forget about it all.
    a dv or victim's advocate could help you come up with a plan to do that and support you to make it real. can your family help at all?

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Quote Originally Posted by natilinia rouge View Post
    mmz star i think your post is very unsensitive and dumb sometimes relationships aren't that easy where you can just get out especially if you love the person and he is using psychotic bullcrap on you thats like when people would tell me to just eat when i was anorexic its not that easy theres alot of psychological stuff to get over so dont just say o have him arrested or just leave because when your in a situation like that its not as easy said as done this girl came here for help and your belittling her calling her a troll because she is calling out for help well maybe your the one whos a troll
    OMG longest run on sentence ever!

    Anywhoo, I dont think she was trying to be insensitive. See this was posted on the internet, where anyone can scam you for any purpose. She did put, " sorry if your not a troll."

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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Quote Originally Posted by natilinia rouge View Post
    mmz star i think your post is very unsensitive and dumb sometimes relationships aren't that easy where you can just get out especially if you love the person and he is using psychotic bullcrap on you thats like when people would tell me to just eat when i was anorexic its not that easy theres alot of psychological stuff to get over so dont just say o have him arrested or just leave because when your in a situation like that its not as easy said as done this girl came here for help and your belittling her calling her a troll because she is calling out for help well maybe your the one whos a troll
    At first glance i believed the OP when i read her post but then just like MzStar i thought hmm... what if this is some guy who is just into this kind of roll play and is taking us all on a ride while he sits back and enjoys himself. You know because we are not alone on this forum ladies. So i don't blame Mzstar for how she reacted and she did say please disregard if this is real.

  38. #49
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    Default Re: please help, abusive boyfriend :/

    Quote Originally Posted by xoxDoll View Post
    I don't want to call the police. I don't want to cause drama. I just want to sneakily save money. Move to some place far away and forget about it all.
    Being screamed at & beaten is drama.

    Life is drama.
    Leaving him with be drama no matter what.
    There is no way to avoid drama.

    There maybe no sneaky way to save money. I am sure he knows exactly how much you make at all times.

    You think planning is the way out, when just walking out the door maybe the answer and being broke is much better than being broken.

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  40. #50
    Veteran Member natilinia rouge's Avatar
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    Default Re: please help

    haha i sucked in English class but still if some girl was in that situation and was looking for help seeing that wouldn't be helpful now would it? this forum is to help girls out in the industry and everyday i see people fighting each other calling people names etc instead of doing what this forum is really about im not trying to say someones wrong or someone is right im just trying to say watch how people say things because we are human and we do have emotions no matter if its the internet or not
    slut it out responsibly and don't forget to smile while you're whoring out!!

    Glitter is like herpes that shit never goes away!



    Nothing has turned out the way I planned.

    And I am thankful for every minute of it!

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