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Thread: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

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    Lightbulb MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    There's been MANY discussions on this site bout baby moma drama and all the headache that can occur if a childless woman (ESP one who wants kids of her own) dates or marrys a guy with prior kids. Kellydancer has been extremely adimint on this issue. I agree, bein I was adamint too bout not dating dads before having kids of my own, and even now I dont think it's fair to a childless guy to have to care for my kids who aren't theres.

    I also wrote more then a few times bout a former friend of mine who was a doormat in general and let people (including sc customers & staff) walk all over her, disrespect her, and rip her off. The epitome of her bein a doormat occurred a few yrs ago when her long time bf, who she'd always wished to marry and make babies with, got another girl pregnant during there brief breakup, and she still crawled back to him, not even a few yrs down the road but WHILE he was still "pregnant"! That soon! I was shocked he even proposed to her a yr later, but Needless to say the relationship ended in disaster, ended when he dumped her and told her to move out of his place and back home to her parents.

    Well today I was watching Steve wilkos show and they had a clip that seemed to be the story of my former friend, but with reverse genders. U can watch it here:



    This clip basically exemplifys all the points Kelly and others made about what they're tryin to avoid by refusing to date dads, and it also exemplifys what my ex friend went thru and even some stuff that I don't know if she went thru or not, but is probable. Like the way that guy (guest on Steve wilkos) wanted a baby of his own, but his now-wife didn't want a kid becuz she felt they had enough work with her current kid...thus making it MORE difficult for him to get the baby he wanted from a mom, then perhaps from a childless woman with family goals. So he's supporting a kid that isn't is, with no realistic chanse of ever getting a kid of his own anytime soon. Not only that, but the way the girl went about not having a baby with her now-husband, was underhanded and scumbaggish!...she took birth control BEHIND HIS BACK, then LIED bout it to him and to the lie detector! What a time waster!!

    No wonder theyre having so many rifts and fights in there marriage.

    Also, after all this guy did by taking her back after the pregnancy and supporting someone else's baby at the expense of getting the baby of his own he'd always wanted, he finds out she cheated on him. As Steve wilkos said, "no surprise there." granted he cheated on her too, but I wonder if sinse he suspected she was cheating on him, mebbe it was revenge cheating of some sort (revenge cheating...another issue discussed very frequently on this site lately). The girl wouldn't even tell her husband who the baby's father was, after all he was doin to support both of them...makes me suspect it's becuz she's still fuckin her baby's daddy.

    And now if he decides to divorce her, he'll def be stuck payin child support for this kid and mebbe even alimony, esp sinse he was dumb enough to sign a birth cert for a kid he knew wasn't his, after his wife was dishonest to him (in that she pretended it was his kid at first, then when she admitted it wasnt, refused to reveal who the daddy was). But IMHO I don't see him divorcing her becuz the fact that he's put up with so much shit already, shows hes a doormat. For most it's once a doormat, always a doormat.

    Moral of the story? Dating/marrying parents when ur childless urself is not worth it!...esp if u want kids of ur own soon...and even moreso esp if the parent is some1 who didn't become a parent until after u started dating them (e.g., pregnancy resultin during a brief breakup stint like this example, or worse, pregnancy resultin from cheating).

    Ideas?

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    I think the more people see stories like this the more it proves my point. The fact is childless people who marry parents often get screwed. People don't realize that childless often have to support children not their own. I know several cases myself where a parent married a childless and the childless had to pay. I know a woman who married a man with kids, then his exwife sued them for more child support. The thinking is step parents are parents and should support the kids. The reality is they are not the parents and shouldn't have to pay. Plus, yes I know people who got divorced over the kid issue.

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    ^that's obnoxious that women actually do that. if I ever had a kid and the father and I split up I wouldn't make his new wife pay for MY child. that's just immature

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    It is obnoxious but does happen. I suspect these are cases where the ex is bitter but still is wrong. I have known a few guys who had no money because they were paying the ex everything, including child support, alimony, mortgage, etc. I've mentioned a few guys I dated who were so broke that either I paid (which I have no issue with)or he was cheap. It's not fair to the person the parent dates not to have a full dating experience.

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    yeah baby mama drama is the LAST thing I need. sorry single dads!

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    It's bad drama. I saw it firsthand with the guys I dated and though they weren't serious relationships I could see it would be a major problem. The one guy's exwife stalked him everywhere. I used to listen to people who told me to give dads a chance so I did and I saw so much drama. Even if it means I am alone I am fine with this. I know people say that even childless men can have ex drama, but it's less likely if he doesn't have children with them. With kids she'll always be in his life.

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    I could date a guy (given if all things were good with him) with a child as long as "baby mama" was in total:

    - not a welfare queen
    - completely over with his and her romantic/sexual relationship
    - has a good life for herself - independent
    - and wasn't a nut job

    but in my experience, one of the ingredients was missing from the pot

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    I got called a "gold digging bitch" on a dating site because of this comment:

    When I date a man I expect to be spoiled and I spoil him in return. In general men who are wooing me spend lots of money on me. I've gotten lobster dinners, fancy gifts, etc. When dating a man with kids I have never been that spoiled. Instead I got budget movies and dinner at cheap restaurants. I don't mind spending money on him (and do spend money on him)but don't want to spend money if he's not spending as much on me.

    People said "what if he doesn't have money to spend" to which I replied that it's not even the money but if he's supporting another family he has no choice to spend much money on me and this will be the case if we married. I will ALWAYS come second to his kids and his exwife in many cases too. One guy I was dating around Christmas and he couldn't afford to buy me a present so I kept the one I bought him.

    Not to mention the inconvenience of dating a dad. Many times they had to cancel a date or bring the kids along. One time I was paying for dinner and I then had to pay for his kid as well. That was the last straw because all his kid did was complain all night. She actually told me her mom told her to be mean to me.

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    Kelly, ever read the book "the quality of life report" by Meghan dahm? It's a novel about a girl (who works as a tv journalist) who moves to the Midwest and starts a new life for herself. Anyway, in the novel she dates a guy named mason clay who has 3 kids by 3 baby momas (only 1 who be was ever married to; the last one was a one nite stand), and the last baby moma was a total golddigging bitch who used the child support $ for manicures and to buy the little brat too many toys. Oh and she always used mason (baby daddy) and masons gf (the tv journalist; the books protagonist) to constantly babysit her daughter. She would tell her spoiled brat daughter mean things bout the protagonist, such as "she has no kids, she doesn't know what she's doing" when the protagonist was always the one stuck babysitting for free at last mins notice.

    There's more to the novel then just the kids dynamic...e.g., the protagonist not only lays the live for this bfs kids but also ends up suffering for this bfs meth addiction too. (and surprise!...it's the psycho baby moma prior described, who sets her up to get in legal trouble for the bfs meth ) there's other problems the protagonist faces too, such as disrespect from her job, scorn & criticism from the town for giving mason the bf a chance, mason the bf mooching off her, etc.

    An interesting book for many of u.


    Another thing I must mention about the guy on Steve wilkos show today. As much as it sux to be childless and date someone who has prior kids from way b4 u met him/her, it sux 10000 times more to date someone who was childless when u first started dating him/her, and had the kid duRing the time u've known him/her. Like the guy on Steve wilkos today. Far worse if a partner cheats on u, a pregnancy results from said affair, and the person stays with the cheater thru the child's birth and all.

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    I mean, think about it. Imagine u date a guy for 6yrs, dreaming of weddings and babies with this guy thru these 6 yrs. 6 yrs and no proposal but u figure u'll be patient and hopefully good things will come to those who wait. Then after waiting for this guy, he has his 1st child with somebody else. Ouch. I can't even imagine the emotional pain and jelousy I'd feel if I were the waiting gf in that spot. And to make matters worse, not only are u unable to have his 1st baby, but u soon find out that YOU can't have a baby at all with him, becuz he's too occupied with his child to have time or resources to even think bout another anytime soon. What a betrayal. It's still wrong, but I could see how somethin like this would drive the childless left-out partner to cheat (not condoning it, only sympathizing).


    Here's another example of the whole staying with a bf/gf that has a baby with someone else topic. A few yrs ago I was reading a magazine and there was an article bout a girl's experience, how she was in the same situation with a long time bf who had briefly broken up, gotten back together, then rite afterwards found out the girl he'd hooked up with during the brief breakup was now pregnant. In this case the gf/author stayed with the bf, and put a positive spin on the experience. I remember reading that and thinking, "wow I would NEVER be ok doing what she did in that spot by staying". I was annoyed by the article becuz I felt it incouraged girls to act like all-faithful doormats like that. Fuck that.

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    I've never eard of that but sounds like an interesting book. I'll look for it when I go to the library tonight. I know it's fiction but guys who have multiple baby mamas and never married any of them are bottom feeders as far as I'm concerned. I tell everyone never to date someone who has out of wedlock kids from more than one person. Just bad news.

    I've heard of situations you mentioned where someone has a child during a breakup. That to me is actually worse especially if the other person wanted a child.

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    ^ yeah I agree. The only thing worse than a partner getting someone else pregnant during a brief breakup, is having the partner get someone else pregnant DURING the relationship (ie, cheating).


    I also agree that most guys with mult baby momas he hasnt married are bottom feeders. Example, mason clay (the bf in the book with mult baby momas). He was a pushover to the 1 baby moma (the one who resulted from one nite stand, who golddug and was a bitch to the protagonist) by giving into her too much. He ended up being a meth head. While he was a meth head, he contributed NOTHING towards the rent for the farmhouse he shared with the gf/protagonist, even tho he was the one who begged the protagonist to get the farmhouse with him. Ohh but he looked a lil like brad Pitt, and he had a decent heart WHO CARES?? he was a DIRTBAG!

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    Here's a very DISASTROUS example of a bf having a baby with someone else during the relationship, and how it basically ruined the poor childless gfs life:



    That was written in march 2010. Here's an update of her situation, which has gotten WAY WORSE, basically ruining her life in ways beyond her control. The cheating whore bf didn't want anything to do with HER (even tho it shoulda been the other way around, since HE was wrong), he was a deadbeat on the bills they shared, he ended up moving in with the baby moma and making her his new gf, and now the childless now-ex gf looks to be facing possible foreclosure on her home in the near future:

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    I got called a "gold digging bitch" on a dating site because of this comment:

    When I date a man I expect to be spoiled and I spoil him in return. In general men who are wooing me spend lots of money on me. I've gotten lobster dinners, fancy gifts, etc. When dating a man with kids I have never been that spoiled. Instead I got budget movies and dinner at cheap restaurants. I don't mind spending money on him (and do spend money on him)but don't want to spend money if he's not spending as much on me.

    People said "what if he doesn't have money to spend" to which I replied that it's not even the money but if he's supporting another family he has no choice to spend much money on me and this will be the case if we married. I will ALWAYS come second to his kids and his exwife in many cases too. One guy I was dating around Christmas and he couldn't afford to buy me a present so I kept the one I bought him.

    Not to mention the inconvenience of dating a dad. Many times they had to cancel a date or bring the kids along. One time I was paying for dinner and I then had to pay for his kid as well. That was the last straw because all his kid did was complain all night. She actually told me her mom told her to be mean to me.
    gold digging bitch? wow. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship if my guy couldn't buy me little things to show appreciation. *sighs and smiles at the roses sitting on nightstand* in high school I dated a dude who didn't have a job and I had to give him money for gas all the time and I can only imagine how annoying it would be as an adult

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    Quote Originally Posted by xGigi View Post
    gold digging bitch? wow. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship if my guy couldn't buy me little things to show appreciation. *sighs and smiles at the roses sitting on nightstand* in high school I dated a dude who didn't have a job and I had to give him money for gas all the time and I can only imagine how annoying it would be as an adult
    Yep according to them I should be happy just to have anyone because I am "old". Sure, I am 40 and I know there are less guys, but there are still guys out there without kids. Even if by chance there weren't I would rather not have anyone than someone who can't give 100% to me. I've dated guys without much money (childless and dads)and it's not much fun. I know people fall on hard times but in the case of dads there will never be a time where they can spoil me like a childless man. I'll always come after the kids.

    They also called me selfish because dads spend time with their kids and how would I feel if I had my own kids. I told them that the difference is kids I had with a guy would be OUR kids whereas kids he had before me are HIS kids. Big difference that most people understand but not them.

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    This is a sore subject for me...Done it,more than once....never again.If some women can handle it,great for them,good luck!I could never play a second or third,or last for that matter,fiddle to someone else.IMO a spouse,or the couple,has to come first,a united front,if they want to make it.I just can't deal with someone else's drama and jealousy.Of course,some will disagree...for each their own.

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    you all need to stop being so judgmental and treat people as individuals

    when you meet them don't go on perceived notions, just because one person is a bad person doesn't mean all people with kids are or people in general.
    people are people, we are all different.

    stop judging people or have preconceived notions about them when you haven't even met them yet



    you all just sound old, alone and bitter

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    Quote Originally Posted by rusdancer View Post
    This is a sore subject for me...Done it,more than once....never again.If some women can handle it,great for them,good luck!I could never play a second or third,or last for that matter,fiddle to someone else.IMO a spouse,or the couple,has to come first,a united front,if they want to make it.I just can't deal with someone else's drama and jealousy.Of course,some will disagree...for each their own.
    I can't handle it either. At least women like us admit it upfront and refuse to pretend. It's the very first thing I ask a man and if he says he does then I tell him I can't date him.

    What I don't understand are the men who have kids yet pursue childless women. Why would these guys ignore single moms and want us? I've had to turn down the same guys repeatedly about this issue and they don't get it. It's not changing no matter how nice he is.

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    I'm not super outspoken on this issue but I also attempted to date a man with children and it went badly in the end. We had GREAT physical chemistry too which was a bummer.
    Having kids v.s. kids free lifestyles have a VERY different pacing ect.
    I'm not sure how to explain it ( since I'm a hungover mess in particular ) but I don't recommend trying this. I'd consider if if the children possibly lived on the opposite coast or out of the country or something.

    I just RE-ATTEMPTED this ( unknown to me because this person left kid talk out of month of conversations ) and it ALSO ended badly.

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    Thumbs down Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    Quote Originally Posted by Flower420 View Post
    you all need to stop being so judgmental and treat people as individuals

    when you meet them don't go on perceived notions, just because one person is a bad person doesn't mean all people with kids are or people in general.
    people are people, we are all different.

    stop judging people or have preconceived notions about them when you haven't even met them yet



    you all just sound old, alone and bitter
    Um. Way to be the hypocrite callin us judgmental, then callin us old alone and bitter. Actualy I have a partner and a son, another on the way, and I'm still in my (very late) 20s

    And, yea when I was still childless and first wanted to have a baby, I started getting turned off on the idea of dating dads in general...and yea I think it's too much baggage for a childless woman to date a dad, esp if that childless woman wishes for babies of her own the way I did. But KEEP IN MIND this thred is about mostly childless people who STAY AND/OR GET BACK TOGETHER WITH PARENTS WHO PREVIOUSLY WEREN'T PARENTS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP. Duh. Watch the Steve wilkos show clip I posted, and read all the examples I wrote about. U say "not all parents are bad people", and mebbe that's true, but I'd be a naive idiot to want to give a chance to a guy who becomes a dad WHILE DATING ME, DUE TO CHEATING THAT RESULTS IN A PREGNANCY!!! any person who does that IS a bad person. Unless he was raped, and the odds of that are VERY slim, even slimmer for a guy! Other examples I described on this thred revolve mostly around people who may not have become a parent due to cheating, but became a parent during a very brief break in the relationship...not as bad as explicitly cheating but almost. What kind of person rebounds that quickly from a serious relationship, and without protection too?...wow that guy musta realy had strong feelings for me if he picked up a new gf only a day after dumping me! ...and he musta realy loved me for me for him to get back with me as soon as his pregnant new gf dumped him for someone else!! ...surely it must have nothin to do with the fact that I give him free rides, an allowance, and am so baby obsessed that I can always be counted on for free babysitting services for all those sat nites that he's partying at the local club!!

    SERIOUSLY.

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    And, as much as this kinda situation can suck for anyone, esp childless folks, it sux MOST OF ALL for childless folks who want to have kids of there own. Like the guy in the Steve wilkos show episode. He always dreamed of having babies with this chick, then she goes off and has a baby with someone else, he marries her & cares for her baby anyway, and how does she treat him?... She refuses to have kids with him becuz she's too occupied with her existing kid. And worst of all, she doesn't tell him that she doesnt want more kids before he marries her, nor does she tell him AT ALL... nope, instead she LIES to him bout wanting kids, meanwhile taking birth control on the sly. THE ULTIMATE SLAP IN THE FACE.

    I didn't become so "anti dad" until I got broody and wanted to get pregnant. That's when I realized that most dads wouldn't want me getting pregnant (moreso then the average childless guy), since they already had there hands (and finances) tied with there existing kid(s). Yea the possibility that dads had less money to wine n dine me was a good reason, but bottom line what REALLY turned me off on dads wasnt there lack of date money, but there lack of motivation or desire to voluntarily get me pregnant any time soon. Along with some admitted jealousy issues; specificaly, that the baby he had with his ex, was the very thing I wanted so badly but couldn't have (often due to HIM not wanting to give that to me). Ugh!!


    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    What I don't understand are the men who have kids yet pursue childless women. Why would these guys ignore single moms and want us? I've had to turn down the same guys repeatedly about this issue and they don't get it. It's not changing no matter how nice he is.
    UGGGHHHHH!!!! I know what u mean and here's MY experience with it and why guys do this. A while back before I had kids but was feeling awful broody, I cocktail waitressed at this one club and the same-age bouncer told me that childless girls were like "gold coins", he prefered them. Kinda hypocritical IMO since he had a 4-yr-old himself. So I asked him why he said that. He said he prefered childless girls becuz they were cheaper (eg, u don't have to buy the girl's kids Christmas or bday presents, sinse there ARE no kids). He also said childless girls have "more money"...um that's a bad sign becuz that means he will at some point expect her to pay his way or me be even his kids ways too. He then also said childless girls are better becuz theyre available around the clock to hang out with him (in other words, boooooooty call central! ) I knew he was gonna have some shallow annoying response, that's why I asked him, to prove my suspicions true. So bottom line, the reason some dads go after childless girls is becuz they're not realy looking forma serious mature relationship, just a cheap date.
    Last edited by kthnx; 08-03-2011 at 08:09 PM.

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    I am not surprised about the cheap date and saw that myself. Not so much a booty call, but the dads I dated expected me to pay more for dates than had there been no kids. Another dad expected me to buy his kids gifts.

    To me though the men who get another woman pregnant during a breakup are complete morons. I would never take back a man like this.

    ETA: I do have a story like this one. I dated this guy back when I was 18 but it was a long distance relationship. It broke up because I had heard rumors of another girl which were proven right when the money I sent him to visit me were spent on another girl. Anyway, years later he tried to come back (actually he tried several times)and in between that time he got married and divorced twice and had several kids. He kept pursuing me and I told him if I didn't want him without the baggage (I never forgive cheaters)why would I with kids?

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    ^ yea seriously. It's even worse IMHO if someone gets back with a "new parent" ex so soon that the pregnancy is still in progress. That's what Happened to my former friend I wrote about on this thred and several others. About 3-4 months into this girl's new ex's pregnancy with another woman, the pregnant "other woman" broke things off and pursued someone else. This left the ex bf free. That's when my former friend crawled back to him. In the months that followed, insteada going thru engagement and wedding planning, she went thru the bf watching his child being born (an event she was not invited to), paternity tests, and the stress of custody hearings for the bf. I could tell she was very upset and stressed thru all this. Yet she reacted (IMHO) stupidly and passively by volunteering to babysit, buying the baby Christmas gifts, etc. She didnt have the balls to tell him how she realy felt bout the situation til a week after he dumped her, made her give back the ring, and made her move out even tho it meant her moving back home to her parents at age 28. By that point it was way too late, and just made her look two-faced and insincere.

    I might sound like a bitch but I didn't sympathize with her, instead i formed an even lower opinion of her, for putting up with the situation the way she did. They say U get treated only how u allow urself to get treated; well she let others treat her like shit time and time again, so after a while o stopped feeling sorry for her and even stopped associating with her. She'd let bfs and friends mooch off her, steal her shit, get her evicted (due to there mooching), talk to her like a child, etc. About a yr after I dissociated from her I ran into her somewhere and she told me how much happier she was...working things out with her bf, quitting stripping (a job she neither liked nor made enough $$ at), etc...I actualy thought mebbe she'd changed, then less then a yr later I heard bout how she crawled back to her bf after his brief breakup from her resulted in a pregnancy (even after he and the pregnant "other girl" had publicly mocked her about it during the breakup!!) The fact that she was so damn subservient during this whole thing lowered my opinion of her yet again.

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    Ok so was that Lie detector real? Because they almost seemed convinced that they didn't cheat on each other. The funny thing though was when she came out at the beginning of the show and said " i don't sleep around with 5 , 6 men" I thought hmm probably 2 or 3. After the lie detector results that said it wasn't 5, 10 15., so it's funny it narrowed it down to 2 to 3.

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    Default Re: MORE reasons not to marry a mom/dad if ur childless

    Quote Originally Posted by BringOnTheMen View Post
    I think its ridiculous to swear off dating dads as a whole. It is like profiling at the SC. Sure, a lot of Indian dudes are grabby and cheap, but every other week I get one or two who are good spenders, respectful, and overall so awesome that I'd totally hang out with them OTC had we met somewhere else.

    I feel like most people do not have "sneaky baggage." You should be able to figure out if they have baggage or not within your first few weeks of getting to know them. If this is continually not the case for you, then you need to take a step back and address your dating history and how you go about dating.

    And having offspring is different from having babies. Babies and young kids do present considerable time from the father which may hinder your relationship. But after 10ish all of the baggage with the ex-wife should be gone and the father should be able to care for his child while still having an active life. My parents married while my dad had a 10 year old from a previous marriage. It was fine. The ex-wife is one of my favorite family members and my mom loves her. No drama at all. Because my dad divorced an ADULT and married another ADULT and surprise surprise, they all behaved like ADULTS. If you are dating an adult father (aka a father who dates actual adults), you should have no problems. If you are dating someone who for some reason decided to marry a emotional, insecure child, then you shouldn't be dating him in the first place.
    But the thing is the majority of parents do have severe drama. While there are cases where everyone gets along these are the minority. There is still drama after 10, especially if the marriage was recently dissolved. I know people who had drama with adult kids and the exes.

    There are many reasons I don't date dads and not all are drama. It's also religious. I am Catholic and I can't marry a divorced dad unless I want a civil (not church)wedding. I don't, I want the church wedding because of my religious views. This is why I am now trying a Catholic dating site and singles groups.

    I quite frankly don't want to be a stepmom either. I don't want to support or help raise kids not my own and not related to me.

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