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Thread: My Man and Money ... help

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    Veteran Member astarisborn's Avatar
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    Dizzy My Man and Money ... help

    Ok so I'll try to keep this short and sweet. I have been with my man for 2.5 years. He owns his own business & has always made much more $ than me. In fact, I've struggled with $ a lot in the past year or so - money has usually been very tight. He goes on shopping sprees, buys Mac computers and all sorts of gadgets, 2 new cars. I scoot by and try to think positive so $ will improve for myself.

    Here is the problem. For quite some time now, whenever we go to eat or grocery shopping or to run errands, we will get to the cash register or it's time to pay and he suddenly "forgot" his money at home. This man has enough $ in savings to buy a car but does not bring cash with him. He always is apologetic and asks if I have cash to cover it so he can pay me back for his part, which I did happily at first. Now, I huff and puff some but not too much because he USUALLY pays me back. Sometimes, no, but usually it's on smaller purchases. Am I overreacting or is there something wrong with this? I've even gotten so annoyed that I make a point every time we leave the house to ask: Do you have your keys/wallet/phone/money?

    Today it happened again and really irked me because I got a great modeling gig and for once, made a good chunk of $. I plan to use it to pay off some DMV fees so I get my license back in good standing, pay off my boob job and the rest, he said we could make sure to have a good birthday trip for him later this month. Whatever, I don't mind that, we both need a vacation. Well we went to the grocery store and he bought all sorts of things while I got two frozen dinners for a buck each and a water. Surprise! Once they ring everything up, he suddenly forgot his money at home. Can I spot him? I did, with annoyance, and he knew it. As soon as I paid he literally went Oops! And out came a wad of money from his pocket. He told me I always give him a hard time about lending him money. He then proceeded to pay me ALMOST the full amount of what his groceries cost, saying he didn't have the right change. Same thing happened yesterday with lunch. Not that ten bucks is a big deal by any means, but it seems to me that this is some sort of power play and I don't get it?! It's driving me nuts. Any help??

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    God/dess 4everresolutions's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    Do you two live together and share expenses? If so, how do you break down bills every month? That'll help before I try and figure this out. Sounds strange.



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    Featured Member *Jade*Love's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    Yeah this definitely sounds weird. Maybe you should 'accidentally' leave your wallet at home on the next grocery trip and see what happens?

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    God/dess 4everresolutions's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    If the OP and her man (can we call him boyfriend? Man seems like a pimp to me) live together, maybe this is his immature way of trying to get her to pay for her own stuff. Like, the fact that she only bought a few dollars worth of things at the grocery store, and then he paid her back almost all except for a few dollars...it could be his childish way of making her pay for her own groceries/expenses.

    If that's what he's trying it's not the right way to go about it at all.

    Yeah, you should totally 'forget' your money sometime. No man leave home without cash accidently. He knows he has it on him.



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    Veteran Member astarisborn's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    Yes, we live together now. I pay an equal amount of rent as him for the house we live in and we have a roomate.

    It's not like he needs the money (and he's helped me out in the past when I needed to borrow money for an emergency), it's almost like a test to see if I'll do it or not. Even today at the grocery store, he commented, You have so much money now! And I was like, well no, not really - it's all going towards bills already. And when I teased him about needing to spot him again, he made a comment like "you didn't pass my test". I don't get it. The money isn't the issue, it's the habit he's formed and how I feel like 1) I'm being tested and 2) what if once I didn't have the cash on me? what would we do? Be in big trouble, I guess.

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    Veteran Member astarisborn's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    Quote Originally Posted by 4everresolutions View Post
    If the OP and her man (can we call him boyfriend? Man seems like a pimp to me) live together, maybe this is his immature way of trying to get her to pay for her own stuff. Like, the fact that she only bought a few dollars worth of things at the grocery store, and then he paid her back almost all except for a few dollars...it could be his childish way of making her pay for her own groceries/expenses.

    If that's what he's trying it's not the right way to go about it at all.

    Yeah, you should totally 'forget' your money sometime. No man leave home without cash accidently. He knows he has it on him.
    No that's totally fine, I was going to hand him what I owed plus a few dollars for taxes when we got to the check out since he bought more and I assumed he would pay the majority. We ALWAYS split expenses, whether we go to eat or on trips.

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    God/dess 4everresolutions's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    You've been together for 2.5 years and he's 'testing' you? What's he testing for? To make sure you'd stay with him regardless of whether or not he was able to provide for you?

    That's fucked up.

    BTW - if you two are working similar hours in a week and he makes much more than you, but you're both still splitting things 50/50 then that's not exactly 'fair'....



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    Veteran Member astarisborn's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    Quote Originally Posted by 4everresolutions View Post
    You've been together for 2.5 years and he's 'testing' you? What's he testing for? To make sure you'd stay with him regardless of whether or not he was able to provide for you?
    This. I suspect, at least. He's voiced concerns and fears over losing his business, it going downhill, earning less and wondering if he fell on hard times would I help him or not. I answered, sincerely, of course I would. He doesn't seem to believe me. It complicates things that I am suddenly making better money (althought still not comparable to him) than I ever have, so he may feel like financially we are switching places.

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    God/dess 4everresolutions's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    That's his problem then and he really needs to get over it. Fear of losing your small business is a legitimate one (especially in the current American economy), but it can be helped if he's putting savings aside. You say he has lots of money, lets hope he's saved for a rainy day.

    You've got to talk to him about it and bring it up. Tell him hes worth more to you than just a dollar sign. ALSO, that his constant 'testing' of you is hurtful - and it's making you feel as if he sees you as some gold-digger or something. He should know by now that you love him dearly and are not a flighty person who's going to jet at the first sign of financial distress. Does he really have such low self esteem that he feels the only reason a good woman would stay with him is because of money?

    I would be hesitant to stay with a man who didn't know my true character after 2.5 years. What he's doing sounds very mean and insulting.



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    Veteran Member astarisborn's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    Quote Originally Posted by 4everresolutions View Post
    That's his problem then and he really needs to get over it. Fear of losing your small business is a legitimate one (especially in the current American economy), but it can be helped if he's putting savings aside. You say he has lots of money, lets hope he's saved for a rainy day.

    You've got to talk to him about it and bring it up. Tell him hes worth more to you than just a dollar sign. ALSO, that his constant 'testing' of you is hurtful - and it's making you feel as if he sees you as some gold-digger or something. He should know by now that you love him dearly and are not a flighty person who's going to jet at the first sign of financial distress. Does he really have such low self esteem that he feels the only reason a good woman would stay with him is because of money?

    I would be hesitant to stay with a man who didn't know my true character after 2.5 years. What he's doing sounds very mean and insulting.
    It does give me pause and make me consider our future carefully. I've never been with him for money - he actually didn't start making any good money until a year after we were together. That's just not in my character; I hate asking for help and I am very independent. It does hurt that he may think I am somehow in this relationship for so long solely for a little bit of money. I do think, as you mentioned, he probably does have much lower self esteem than he lets on. You are also right, however, that I love him dearly.

    Thank you for your insight - it really helped me think a little more clearly. Sometimes when you have an issue like this, you drive yourself crazy wondering if you're overreacting or if it's a legitimate problem. So, thanks so much for taking the time to help me clear my head I appreciate it so much.

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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    No problem - I know exactly what you mean. Often posting things on here helps you just analyze things a little better and helps see them in a new light. You're not blowing it out of proportion at all - it's a very insensitive thing for him to do. I hope you two can talk it out and he stops with the "testing".



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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    Quote Originally Posted by 4everresolutions View Post

    I would be hesitant to stay with a man who didn't know my true character after 2.5 years. What he's doing sounds very mean and insulting.
    ^^^Yes and yes!

    I would slowly pull back and turn this into a friendship instead of a relationship. I say this because he seems resentful of paying for things. He has a right to feel that way. You have a right to find someone else who wants to share freely. Why not find a guy who wants to be in romantic relationship not a glorified FWB situation.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    I would say he is definitely playing a game with you, money is power to a lot of people. You shouldn't have to play back to break him of his insecurity. You should mean more to him than money...money comes & goes.

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    Featured Member vivianbear's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    Stop paying for ANYTHING. Stop paying 50/50, too. Pay a PERCENTAGE of the living expenses, based on your earnings. That is the most fair way to account for cost.

    Your BF sounds awful, to be honest. He's either conning you to drain you of YOUR money or he's just an inconsiderate leech. Seriously, stop humoring it. Pay for your own things separately, for a while, if you have to. Honestly, you both sound like you're living beyond your means (cars, boob jobs, shopping, etc) but you take care of yours and do not tolerate this draining on your resources.
    "SS=stripper shit, in the same spectrum as CS=customer shit, which is within the spectrum of SaS=sales shit, which is all contained in the universe of BS=bullshit." -- Jay Zeno (mod)

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    Member CandyApple's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    It totally sounds like a power play! Trust, guys have all sorts of ways of doing it.
    "If you're going through hell, keep going."-Winston Churchill

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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    ^ agreed. It is a head game and why would you want to be with someone who is playing head games with you?

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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    Make sure to never carry any money on you. If you are going to the store, lunch. movies etc. Only carry enough to pay for your portion. Let him feel a little humiliation at having to send his groceries back a few times, and I guarantee that he'll start bringing his own money.


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    This will fuck with him but in the end do you want to be tested?....I don't.

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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    From my perspective I tend not to carry any $$$ around. Sometimes maybe $20 or something less. I use my Chase or Discover card's (cash back). Or if I forget my wallet in the car and my SO picks up the tab through the years I've never gotten the "hay can you pay me back"
    "The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works" -GORDON GECCO

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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    If my man "forgot" his wallet in the car, I'd look at him and say: "Your legs aren't broke, go back and get it and pay for your shit."
    "SS=stripper shit, in the same spectrum as CS=customer shit, which is within the spectrum of SaS=sales shit, which is all contained in the universe of BS=bullshit." -- Jay Zeno (mod)

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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    vivianbear has written an excellent reply. i'll add my 2 cents. i do make more $$$ than bf. call me a bitch, but if bf and i lived together, we would split it 50/50. HOWEVER, i am willing to live below my means so we both can afford it. keep in mind, i don't ask my bf for anything either. if we lend each other $$$, it is because one of us truly just doesnt have the $$$ at that moment and right after we head to atm to pay it back. or we put a post it up on my fridge and pay up when we see each other. i like to be completely fair when it comes to money because the treatment you are enduring is bs and i don't want that in my relationship. i also am the first to make sure bf can afford to do something before we do it- if he can't, we don't do it. funny, but i am the more frugal one out of the two of us.

    i think your bf is acting like a childish douchebag. this is a foolish thing to start an argument over, which he is doing. he does not understand how a relationship works. it is two people coming together and it requires fairness. making note of his spending habits, i am seeing that he is not smart with his $$$ either. sorry, i know you love him, but i'm seeing too many financial 'red flags' here- don't do any joint financial adventures with this man. i think it would also be wise for you do draw up some sort of financial agreement in regards to living together if you have not already done so.

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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    Quote Originally Posted by alice_island View Post
    i also am the first to make sure bf can afford to do something before we do it- if he can't, we don't do it.
    Exactly. Either change the plans to something he can afford or leave him home, entirely. I've certainly stayed home, when an SO has/wants to go somewhere and I can't afford to attend. I've even been the one to insist that I should stay, so as not to inflate the cost. On the other hand, I have no problems taking separate vacations, if I make plans and an SO either can't or doesn't want to make the trip.

    Just because you can do something doesn't mean you have to pay everyone else's way to do it with you.
    "SS=stripper shit, in the same spectrum as CS=customer shit, which is within the spectrum of SaS=sales shit, which is all contained in the universe of BS=bullshit." -- Jay Zeno (mod)

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    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    You guys arent married...so you have your own separate money, fine. You are both living in an apartment so you should split the living costs 50/50, which you are doing(if you cant afford 50/50, you two need to find a cheaper place.) But this part of it seems to be working fine for you. The problem is when you go out to eat or go shopping.

    Those solutions are pretty easy.

    Stop going shopping with him....Dont tell him when you are going shopping. That way, you never have to worry about him not paying you back, because you dont buy anything for him.

    Before you go out to eat...ask him if he has cash with him.


    Or.......

    You can have a talk with him and tell him that it is bothering you. Dont hint around it or act annoyed hoping he will notice. If he owes you money, YOU tell him exactly how much and tell him...."OK...you owe me $45" If he gives you 2 $20s, say "You still owe me $5"

    He has helped you out in the past, so it seems only fair that you help him. You just know that you have to keep track

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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    Quote Originally Posted by astarisborn View Post
    Yes, we live together now. I pay an equal amount of rent as him for the house we live in and we have a roomate.

    It's not like he needs the money (and he's helped me out in the past when I needed to borrow money for an emergency), it's almost like a test to see if I'll do it or not. Even today at the grocery store, he commented, You have so much money now! And I was like, well no, not really - it's all going towards bills already. And when I teased him about needing to spot him again, he made a comment like "you didn't pass my test". I don't get it. The money isn't the issue, it's the habit he's formed and how I feel like 1) I'm being tested and 2) what if once I didn't have the cash on me? what would we do? Be in big trouble, I guess.
    Dump this loser.

    And don't refer to your boyfriend as your "man." It sounds...wrong, or something.

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    Default Re: My Man and Money ... help

    Quote Originally Posted by 4everresolutions View Post
    You've been together for 2.5 years and he's 'testing' you? What's he testing for? To make sure you'd stay with him regardless of whether or not he was able to provide for you?

    That's fucked up.
    Eew..i dislike these 'tests' what's up with these tests?! I sometimes can't understand men

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