I'd love to get this thread started with a good dirty joke of my own, but I can't remember a damn one. That's why I'm asking for your help-
Got a good dirty joke? Share it here!




I'd love to get this thread started with a good dirty joke of my own, but I can't remember a damn one. That's why I'm asking for your help-
Got a good dirty joke? Share it here!
"I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them"
- Mae West
What's the worst part about eating your vegetables?
Getting them out of the wheelchair.
I lol'd for three minutes straight when this old man told me that. He went on forever telling me the dirtiest, most offensive jokes at the expense of any and every group of people and I found it all to be quite hilarious.





A princess, walking past a pond in the royal gardens, looked down and saw a hideous frog. "My, you're an ugly frog!"
To her surprise, the frog replied, "I know. I had a really bad spell cast on me."
"Well, I've seen frogs with bad spells before, but none as ugly as you."
"Look, lady; just leave me alone. Like I said, it was a really bad spell."
The princess wavered. "So, if I do kiss you, will you turn into a handsome prince?"
The frog concluded, "I doubt it. A spell this bad will probably take a blow job."
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and have a party.





Two gay guys watched a stunning redheaded woman walk past them.
One guy, Neil, shook his head and said, "You know, Bob, it's times like this that make me wish I was a lesbian."
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and have a party.





Two women were at a bar one night having a drink.
A guy walked past them and one noticed that he had a bit of dandruff.
She turned to her friend and said, "That guy needs Head and Shoulders."
The friend replied, "How do you give shoulders?"
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and have a party.










A couple were arguing in their car on the freeway. Things got so heated that she took out a pocketknife and chopped her boyfriend's dick off and threw it out of the speeding car. It landed on the windshield of the car behind them. Inside of the car was a father and his 5 year old daughter. The father saw the dick and quickly turned on the wipers. "What was that?!!" the daughter asked. "Just a bug, honey." replied the father. "Wow daddy! That bug sure had a big dick!"
LOL..
Quasimodo meets Esmerelda outside the Notra Dame cathedral.
Esmerelda says WOW Quasimodo is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
neither replies Quasimodo its a picture of my DAD!!!!!!!





These aren't dirty but I think they're pretty funny...
I met a fairy today, and she said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die only after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"
"You’re a crafty little bastard," said the fairy.
An old guy was working-out at the gym when he spotted a very shapely, young woman in spandex stretching against the wall.
He asked the trainer that was standing nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet young thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and have a party.





Sorry, one more favorite....
How many cops does it take to throw a suspect down the stairs?
None. He fell.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and have a party.
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, ‘Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?’
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
‘Oh, no,’ says Dave. ‘He's on my bowling team.’
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,’How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’
‘She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.’
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says ‘Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, ‘Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.’
A man and his 6 yr old son, Joey, were walking in the park and see 2 dogs mating. "Daddy, Daddy, what are those dogs doing?"
Well, son, they are making a puppy.
Later that night he is banging his wife in their bedroom, and Joey walks in on them. "Daddy, Daddy, what are you doing?"
Well, son, we are making a baby...
Joey thought about it and said...."could you turn her over, I would much rather have a puppy"
Three old ladies are sitting on a bench in a park.
A man walks over to them, opens up his trench coat and flashes them.
Two of the old ladies have a stroke, the third couldn't reach.





Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The lady says "It's Frank, the dwarf."
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and have a party.





A woman found out that her dog, a schnauzer, could hardly hear... so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear just fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the woman that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
She went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The woman said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
The woman replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and have a party.





A high school boy came home from school and told his mom, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh, God! Go to your room! And just wait until your father gets home!" said his mom. When the father arrived home, she couldn't even tell him the sordid story; she told him to ask the boy.
The father headed upstairs and asked the son why his mother was so mad. "All I said was: I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Wow, son. Way to go! You know, women don't view these things like men do. But I'm proud of you. You know what? I'm gonna take you out and buy you that motorcycle you've been wanting!"
They did just that and, as they prepared to leave the dealership, the father asked his son, "Do you want to ride it home?"
The boy replied, "Nah. My ass is still sore."
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and have a party.





Then there is the new special at Starbucks, the Osama bin Latte:
Tall, skinny, quite dark with a frothy head with two shots in it!





A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight, the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord. "If you went there dressed in robes and some glowing paint," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of God. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!"
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade... then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and have a party.




Whats green & smells like pork?
Kermit's finger
"You're better than no one and no one is better than you."
-- Bob Dylan
“There's never going to be a great misunderstanding of me. I think I'm a little whacked.”![]()




Two gay guys & two lesbians are on their way to the airport -who gets there first?
The two lesbians get there lickety split, because the two gay guys are still at home packing their shit
"You're better than no one and no one is better than you."
-- Bob Dylan
“There's never going to be a great misunderstanding of me. I think I'm a little whacked.”![]()




i use a joke on a napkin BUT it works to sell a lapdance....more like a riddle, what to say is if you can't solve this riddle then you buy a dance, if you solve it then i'll give you a free lapdance ( believe me they won't solve it) ok so write: the word: hole on a napkin spelt just like that lowercase letters. Then draw 4 ]]]]lines and tell them to "plug" the hole using only those 4 lines. you wouldn't believe the shit people come up with! after they give up you put one of the lines on the H to make it a k then one line over the l to make it an x then make a t at the end of the word to make it whole and what do you have: KOTEX that sure plugged that hole and got you a dance! it works like a charmxoxo





i am into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism.
am i just flogging a dead horse ?
What do necrophiliacs call morticians? Pimps.
Necrophilia: putting the 'mating' into cremating.
Necrophilia, it puts the FUN into Funeral!
A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia.
The judge said to the man, "In the 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
first of all, it's none of your damn business...
second of all, she was my wife...
and third of all, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way in bed!"
Last edited by tempest666; 09-13-2011 at 02:17 PM.
"Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
Tempest
Bookmarks