OK, this will probably be a long one... sorry ya'll.
I found out earlier this week I am pregnant. I am a little less than 5 weeks along.
My boyfriend and I always always always use a condom (I do not like HBC because of the way my body reacts to it). We had sex and the condom failed, but it was a Sunday night and we could not go get Plan B until the next day because everything was closed. Unfortunately this just also happened to be right during my most fertile window... so yeah now I am pregnant.
I am pro-choice and always believed I would get an abortion if I became pregnant. My boyfriend and I have talked about this in the past and we both agreed to this. When I first saw the results of the test I wasn't scared or upset, because I knew I was going to have an abortion and I did not feel bad about it at all. My boyfriend and I use protection and bought the Plan B because we do not want a child and I did not want to be pregnant. I did everything I could to prevent this from happening, and I did not feel any obligation to continue the pregnancy just because it did. I didn't feel sad or guilty. I was 100% confident in my choice to have an abortion.
I told my mother (who I am close with) about what was going on and how I was going to handle it. Right away she told me she thought I was making a mistake (which was not the response I was expecting). At first I just didn't want to hurt her feelings or make her sad, but now I think some things she has said to me has really gotten to me.
After a few days my confidence started to falter. She's encouraged me to keep it, which I am not ready for and do not want to do. Then she started encouraging me to consider adoption.
This is when I really started to feel uncertain. Now part of me feels like I should continue the pregnancy and put the baby up for adoption. I feel so torn between the two choices.
I am a student and I plan to strip my way through school (and I'm planning on a lot of school). I love dancing, the flexability is perfect and I make enough money work 2-3 days a week to support myself and build a savings. I am happier now than I have been in a long time and my job is part of that. If I continue the pregnancy I will have to quit stripping, I'm not sure for how long but I know it could be for a while (from when I start showing until I give birth and get back in shape). I don't know how I will support myself or continue school during this time. I live with my boyfriend, but it seems unfair to ask him to support me while I'm pregnant since he wants and has always wanted an abortion.
This may sound very shallow, but I have to be completely honest with myself. I love my body and the way I look (for the most part). I know there are beautiful women out there with children, I don't mean to offend anyone. But I am terrified that my body will change and that I won't like it. It took me a long time to get to point where I truly loved my body and I am afraid to lose that. I'm afraid my body won't bounce back and I'll have to give up dancing. I was recently hired at a club with notorious high standards, and as silly as it sounds I took some pride in that. Like I said it all sounds so shallow but these are my real feelings and I have to be honest about it.
I am also terrified of giving birth, and the possibility of having a c-section. Really, I have never wanted to be pregnant and don't want to be now. I was never sure if I wanted kids, but if I did I always knew I would want to adopt.
However, on the other hand, I feel like I have this voice inside of me saying "What? You want to get an abortion so you can stay hot and be a STRIPPER?" I know on some level this isn't entirely true, because it's not just being hot and a stripper it's school and money and the security that comes along with it. It's also something that brings me happiness. Plus the general desire to not go through a pregnancy and birth. And I didn't feel any obligation to start with, and when I really think about it I still don't think I do, so it shouldn't even matter WHY I want it... But then again it's not like being a stripper is a forever job, it's only temporary. And it's not like looks are permanent anyway.... I guess I'm just afraid if I get the abortion that voice will become the main voice, and I'll find all my reasons silly and superficial and regret what I've done.
Anyway, it's late and I can't sleep. I don't know if the hormones have anything to do with it, but tonight I had my first real meltdown since I found out. I just needed to let it out, and sometimes when you hear advice/opinions/experiences from other people it helps put things in perspective...









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