Its all getting weird with my ex.
We've remained friends in the past 3 years since we were together, but now time has passed and we're both single at the same time.
We live in a small town with 8 guys to every girl, and with the same friends in common its inevitable that we end up hanging out sometimes.
But its like history is repeating itself. We've been dropping acid together, chilling at the lake together, reminiscing about when we were together.
I think its safe to say my feelings for him never went away completely.
But he broke my heart when we split.
All I wanted for so long is for him to realise what a mistake it was to let me go, so I could be the one to turn him down.
But I find him magnetic. It feels like we're such a natural pairing of people.
I see whats happening. When he invites me to hang out several times in a week and texts me at 3am when I didn't think he even still has my number since he lost his phone...when he mentions a picture buried way back in my history of photos on facebook and says he 'saw it the other day' and comments on pictures from the time we were together....
Its quite subtle but I see it.
I don't know what I'm doing. I can't stop myself. I don't know if I want to stop myself.
I don't want to get hurt again, but I can't stay away.
I've grown up and changed since then. I'm still me, but better. Every reason he gave when he broke up with me is no longer valid. I feel like if we were together again it would be better than the last time.
Part of me thinks I deserve better, that I deserve the perfect man with money and opportunity, not my ex who is constantly broke and often unemployed but who I fall so deeply and madly for.
I don't want to be the stereotype of a stripper with a deadbeat boyfriend, but then this guy was my bf when I had no money or job and he paid for everything, treated me with respect and made every inch of me smile. I would have done anything for him.
I'm so torn up inside. I hate myself for feeling the way I feel about him.



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