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  1. #1
    Member Ebonyqueen's Avatar
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    Default what should i do

    hi! its my 1st time posting here and i am hoping am posting at the right place, if not forgive me.

    so i have been going out with this guy 4 two years and we are in a long distance relationship.i have been through a lot and he has always been there for me through difficult times but what gets to me is he hardly discusses his problems with me because he says i have got problems of my own and he doesn't want to add to that.recently he just stopped calling ,IMing n emailing me.i was so worried because this is so unlike him.i wont go much into detail but then he finally wrote me n email n told me one of his relatives is on life support and his sister needs financial help n he's sorry he hasn't been in touch but needs time to sort everything out n wants me to understand.
    the truth is i am hurt that he's going through this and didn't bother to tell me until i left him more than a dozen voice mails and emails.when he's going through a difficult time i have to drag it out of him always or he'll never tell me n it really worries me.i don't know what to do and it breaks my heart that he's going through this and he doesn't even see the need to come to me.all i want is to be there 4 him like he has done 4 me so many times.i just want him to let me be strong 4 him,love him and be there 4 him, am i asking 4 too much? it always helps to have someone on the outside looking in because you see a lot of things that i don't.i don't know what i want to hear right now but all i know is i am worried, need to talk to him but he said he needs time and wants me to understand,how do i give him time without driving myself crazy.i worry about him a lot because he doesn't talk much u know how man can be, they bottle things up and want to work them out on their own unlike us we talk bout things.
    i just want to be there 4 him without feeling as if i am being too pushy or selfish or... i don't know what to do please help me out.
    Last edited by Ebonyqueen; 08-12-2011 at 09:38 PM.

  2. #2
    Banned zeke's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    I think you should take a class in how to type in English.

  3. #3
    Member Ebonyqueen's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    Quote Originally Posted by zeke View Post
    I think you should take a class in how to type in English.
    why thank you for the observation miss thing. i guess you just had to say something didn't you? i write this way in my posts all the time no1 has ever complained i guess i didn't realise there's some people that are riding the short yellow bus,my bad

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    Veteran Member The_Ecdysiast's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    OP. When you type like this, we are so caught up in trying to decipher wtf it is you're trying to convey that the intended objective becomes null and void. It's like you're speaking some foreign language!

    Don't worry, when people I know IRL text me writing like you did I tell 'em like it is too >.<


    Quote Originally Posted by zeke View Post
    I think you should take a class in how to type in English.

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  6. #5
    Veteran Member Discuntent's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend's situation, that's so frustrating to see anyone in such a position and feeling helpless in terms of being able to console them. Anything would be of help, I'd imagine - food or flowers! Try to keep yourself busy and his family in your thoughts or prayers, and the rest will fall in to place, I promise!

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  8. #6
    Veteran Member Obenta's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    Quote Originally Posted by Ebonyqueen View Post
    hi! its my 1st tym postin here n m hopin m postin at the right place if not forgive me.

    so i bn goin out wit this guy 4 two years n we in a long distance relationship.i bn thru a lot n he has always bn there for me thru difficult tyms but wat gets to me is he hardly discusses his problems wit me cuz he says i got problems of my own n he doesn't want to add to tht.recently he jus stopped callin ,IMing n emailin me.i was so worried cuz this is so unlike him.i wont go much into detail but then he finaly wrote me n email n tol me one of his relatives is on life support n his sister needs financial help n he's sorry he hasn't bn in touch but needs tym to sort everything out n wants me to understand.
    the truth is m hurt tht hes goin thru this n didn't bother to tell me until i left him mo than a dozen voice mails n emails.wen hes goin thru a difficult tym i have to drag it outa him always or he'll never tell me n it really worries me.i dnt know wat to do n it breaks my heart tht hes goin thru this n he doesn't even c the need to come to me.all i wnt is to be there 4 him like hes done 4 me so many tyms.i jus want him to let me be strong 4 him,love him n be there 4 him m i askin 4 too much? it always helps to have sum1 on the outside lookin in cuz u c a lot of things tht i dnt.i dnt know wat i wnt to hear ryt now but all i know is m worried need to talk to him but he said he needs tym n wnts me to understand,how do i give him tym witout drivin myself crazy.i worry bout him a lot cuz he doesn't talk much u know how man can be they bottle things up n wnt to work them out on their own unlike us we talk bout things.
    i jus wana be there 4 him witout feelin as if m bng too pushy or selfish or... i dnt know wat to do pls help me out.

    Speaking and writing properly shows respect to those with whom you are communicating, and in turn elicits their respect of you.

    If you can't be bothered to even attempt to write clearly, why should anyone bother to read what you have to say or respond to you?

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  10. #7
    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    I couldn't get past about two lines of this...can you repost it with proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation? Thanks.

  11. #8
    Featured Member FiendishGyrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    Quote Originally Posted by Ebonyqueen View Post
    why thank you for the observation miss thing. i guess you just had to say something didn't you? i write this way in my posts all the time no1 has ever complained i guess i didn't realise there's some people that are riding the short yellow bus,my bad
    a. they probably never complained because they weren't reading and responding to what you wrote
    b. you're the one with the attitude that needs an adjustment because as one person states, if you're not going to take the time to write clearing, you're showing disrespect to your audience by acting like you expect us to take extra time trying to decipher what the fuck you're talking about, not to mention
    c. write like you're uneducated when you're likely a lot smarter than your writing makes you appear makes YOU look like you're riding the short yellow bus,

    so yes, your bad.

    Take the criticism as constructive and think about how writing like that makes you appear to the vast majority of people both online and in real life.

  12. #9
    Member Ebonyqueen's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    you are all right, i'm sorry that was uncalled for. the fact that am under a lot of stress doesn't give me the right to act the way i did. this is mainly directed at zeke,please forgive me.i came here because i need help with my problem i didn't come here to be a smart ass, make enemies or step on anyone's toes 4 that matter.we learn from our mistakes and i learned from mine. i hope we can all move on from this. i edited the post.thank you

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  14. #10
    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    let's see...as I see it, there is one of a few things going on here....

    1-He's lying to you. You don't indicate that you have reason to doubt him, so I'll dismiss this possibility

    2-He is dealing with some serious shit..and frankly, you are making this all about you. I hear you about wanting him to include you, but what you should NOT do is start getting up in his shit about it. He deals with his life in different ways than you do.

    Now...once this has all passed and you and he can discuss it, you may want to explore this with him. Ultimately if it comes out that this is just the way he is, you may have to make a choice...deal with that aspect of his personality, or cut bait and move on.

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  16. #11
    Member Ebonyqueen's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Hyde View Post
    let's see...as I see it, there is one of a few things going on here....

    1-He's lying to you. You don't indicate that you have reason to doubt him, so I'll dismiss this possibility

    2-He is dealing with some serious shit..and frankly, you are making this all about you. I hear you about wanting him to include you, but what you should NOT do is start getting up in his shit about it. He deals with his life in different ways than you do.

    Now...once this has all passed and you and he can discuss it, you may want to explore this with him. Ultimately if it comes out that this is just the way he is, you may have to make a choice...deal with that aspect of his personality, or cut bait and move on.
    honestly i just want to be there for him but if i'm coming across as if i'm making this all about me, then maybe stepping back is the right thing to do.thanks

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    God/dess PleasureVictim's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    Did he stop speaking to you completely before he sent you the email about his sick relative? I'm wary about people who just drop off the face of the earth...
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    Featured Member Spinnerette's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    Agreeing with PleasureVictim. I too get into moods where all I want to do is be isolated (I love my hermit lifestyle), but if someone contacts me, I always make sure to shoot them a BRIEF message to let them know I'm ok and will talk to them later. You deserve at the very least that if you've been seeing each other for two years.

    ...not to mention I just read an article where women have stated that the sick relative/hospital excuse is a very common one for people who enjoy playing games and stringing people along. :/ I know my ex was always "in jail" when he chose to flake.

    In the case of him telling the truth, no need to feel pushy or exhibit pushy attributes. Let him know that from here on out if he needs to talk, you're there for him and leave it at that. It's his decision on whether or not he wants to take you up on the offer, but you're doing all you can with that. You can't force him to open up.

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  21. #14
    Member Ebonyqueen's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Hyde View Post
    let's see...as I see it, there is one of a few things going on here....

    1-He's lying to you. You don't indicate that you have reason to doubt him, so I'll dismiss this possibility

    2-He is dealing with some serious shit..and frankly, you are making this all about you. I hear you about wanting him to include you, but what you should NOT do is start getting up in his shit about it. He deals with his life in different ways than you do.

    Now...once this has all passed and you and he can discuss it, you may want to explore this with him. Ultimately if it comes out that this is just the way he is, you may have to make a choice...deal with that aspect of his personality, or cut bait and move on.
    Quote Originally Posted by PleasureVictim View Post
    Did he stop speaking to you completely before he sent you the email about his sick relative? I'm wary about people who just drop off the face of the earth...
    yes, i went on for almost a week trying to get him to talk to me and tell me whats wrong and when he finally replied that's when he told me about his sick aunt. i did know about his sister and the financial problems she's having though. he told me about it a while ago. maybe this thing hit him hard Mr Hyde is ryt maybe i am making this about me. i don't know what to think really

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    Featured Member FiendishGyrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    long distance relationships are really hard and you need an even higher amount of crystal clear communication which it sounds like he's unwilling or unable to give.

    Do you think it's possible that he's just busy with another woman and stringing you along? It sounds like you should just move on and find someone who's going to be emotionally there for you and treat you like an equal who he can confide in and not someone he has to protect from what's going on in his life.

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  24. #16
    Member Ebonyqueen's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    Quote Originally Posted by FiendishGyrator View Post
    long distance relationships are really hard and you need an even higher amount of crystal clear communication which it sounds like he's unwilling or unable to give.

    Do you think it's possible that he's just busy with another woman and stringing you along? It sounds like you should just move on and find someone who's going to be emotionally there for you and treat you like an equal who he can confide in and not someone he has to protect from what's going on in his life.
    to be honest i don't think he's cheating on me or maybe i'm just naive but of the two years we've been together i have never suspected him of cheating. he has never given me a reason to think that.every time he told me he loves me i felt it i can't describe the connection i have with him but its something i have never had with any other man,most of the times when something is wrong i can feel it before he even tells me.that's what i was saying in my first post sometimes i have to force him to open up then and only then he tells me something is wrong.i have never loved anyone the way i love him and i feel so many things that i've never felt before with anyone else . he taught me so much,we've been through a lot together and i never had a doubt in my mind or question his love for me.its just not knowing how i can help him that's driving me crazy.

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    God/dess PleasureVictim's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    Men, well anyone, can shower love and attention on one person, while still sleeping around with others. I don't want to label your guy a cheat, he very well may be as stressed out as he says he is, on the other hand I would be wary of anyone who can just shut me out like that.

    No phone call, text or even email for days? And then when he contacts you, it's through email?? Even email has a few more steps involved than sending a text or picking up the freaking phone. That's what sounds suspicious to me. Either way, you can't force anyone to accept your shoulder. Let him know you are there, and be supportive. Just try to keep your eyes open, and don't make excuses for any other strange behaviour.

    Good luck.
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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    Quote Originally Posted by Spinnerette View Post
    Agreeing with PleasureVictim. I too get into moods where all I want to do is be isolated (I love my hermit lifestyle), but if someone contacts me, I always make sure to shoot them a BRIEF message to let them know I'm ok and will talk to them later. You deserve at the very least that if you've been seeing each other for two years.
    This exactly. Even if his process of dealing with things is to do it himself, I find it unacceptable to disappear completely for god knows how long. You've been together 2 years - he at least owes you the courtesy of a quick text back saying "I'm dealing with some things right now. I'll tell you about them in a few days. Please understand I need that time to myself right now." We all handle stress differently, and I know what it feels like to be the person that people get mad at for not sharing my problems. But there's a difference between acknowledging there is a problem and you just need to be alone for a bit, and just dropping off the face of the earth without a peep to the people who care most... like your gf of 2 years...

    If it's already long distance, I don't know how much I think it's the cheating excuse. Why would he need an excuse for his not being around if he's already not around and you can't see what he's doing? It would be easy to keep up a text/email relationship while with another woman far away if that's what he was up to. He probably really is just a horrible communicator. I would give him his space for now, but once this crisis has passed, you need to have a serious talk about this. It's ok for him to say that he needs some time alone when he's handling a lot - it's not ok for him to become completely incommunicado without telling you a damn thing first.

    I don't think it's selfish to expect the smallest level of communication from your SO after 2 years together, no matter what he's going through or what he's "always been like." No matter how much a hermit you are, you have the ability to text the vaguest message possible just let your SO know you're alive. If this is the way he's always been, he may not change and you can't force him to. If that's the case, the next time he disappears, I would go about your own life and not wait around worrying about him. Doesn't sound like he thinks of you as much of a gf if he leaves you in the lurch, wondering whether he's even alive or not, for several days/weeks. So I would follow his lead, and not treat him like much of a bf and start looking for someone new if talking about this does nothing.

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  29. #19
    Member Ebonyqueen's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    hard to hear but you making a lot of valid points. Mr Hyde said i sound more like someone who is making this whole thing all about me and for a minute there it came across to me that way too,but reading your posts, that is my point exactly i would think he'd at least tell me something as his gf not much but "i need time," i am confused am trying to make sense of everything but i feel like i am going around in circles. he doesn't talk much but this is the 1st time he has done the disappearing act.that's why this whole thing has me shaken i mean i don't know how to deal with it.i am trying to make sense of it all but i just don't understand and i don't want to be pushy he asked me to understand but how do i understand something that's half baked? he's not giving me much to work with so i am going to worry.

    i just want to stop feeling this way i feel like its taking over my life.if he doesn't feel the need to talk to me why do i care so much i just want to let this go.i wish i could just switch off my feelings.you are right it doesn't take much to tell me he's ok just that.i am left here worried about someone that doesn't give a shit how i feel,its coming across that way now.i understand him going through a tough time but you right you are so right i am making myself sick and feeling like shit half the time because i am thinking maybe i am being selfish but how is wanting to know what my bf is going through being selfish,how is expecting him to talk to me even for 30sec being selfish? selfish NO i think i have blinders on my eyes i feel like shit right now
    Last edited by Ebonyqueen; 08-13-2011 at 10:19 AM.

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    Default Re: what should i do

    Exactly. Now, if he were to tell you he just needs time, that would be understandable. I know how it feels to want to be there for someone you care about and how hard it is to not be able to because they pull away... but I also know how it feels to be the one who wants to deal with things on their own and have people get mad at me just because I won't share the intimate details of everything in my life with them. Getting mad at someone who says "I'm having xyz problems but just let me deal with them on my own - I'll update you when I feel like I can handle it" is rather selfish - that's making it all about you and not them. But getting mad at someone who disappears without even saying there's a problem first, is perfectly understandable. That behavior is unacceptable, and no matter how I've felt that I want to be alone, I've never pulled that crap on someone. It's rude and selfish. You can tell someone "It's ok, I'll be alright, don't worry" and yeah, they'll probably still worry just because they care. But if you don't even say that... you're making them worry endlessly about all possible scenarios for your silence for no reason, and that is cruel.

    Like I said, wait until this has passed, because bringing it up now, while he's stressed, will surely set him on the defensive and not help. But you need to set ground rules for how things like this will be handled next time. He owes you some communication - you're his gf of 2 years for Christ's sake. Even if it's not all about you, it's also not all about him anymore. There needs to be a compromise between his wanting to be left alone and your wanting to be in the loop. If he can't give you anything, then he doesn't understand what it means to be in a committed relationship.

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  32. #21
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    Default Re: what should i do

    You said he's told you he's having financial problems? He's not asking you for money is he? Cause if he is that is a major red flag.
    Have you always been doing the long distance thing, or were you together in the same place in the past?
    I think if you can elaborate on your situation it would help us understand.

    As for the spelling and grammar - I've seen far worse on here!

  33. #22
    Member Ebonyqueen's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    they were referring to the post i 1st put up,i edited it.anyways its not him that's going through financial difficulties hun its his sister and no he has never asked me for money not b4 and not now and yes we've always been doing the long distance thing.

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    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    Actually, now that I think about it again, it does seem odd that he wouldn't at least just be courteous about getting back to you...but I don't know how much you were "on him." If it was 1-2 calls, a text, and one email....he should have gotten back to you. If it was daily, multiple calls and texts and emails, he might have felt smothered.

    Tough call, but I still wouldn't make this about you at this point....however, at some instance in the future, if this is the way he is, you'll have to make a choice. If you want a guy who will easily include you when stuff like this happens, you may need to cut him loose and go find the guy you want.

  35. #24
    God/dess laurielegs's Avatar
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    Default Re: what should i do

    Quote Originally Posted by Ebonyqueen View Post
    i just want to stop feeling this way i feel like its taking over my life.if he doesn't feel the need to talk to me why do i care so much i just want to let this go.i wish i could just switch off my feelings.you are right it doesn't take much to tell me he's ok just that.i am left here worried about someone that doesn't give a shit how i feel,its coming across that way now.i understand him going through a tough time but you right you are so right i am making myself sick and feeling like shit half the time because i am thinking maybe i am being selfish but how is wanting to know what my bf is going through being selfish,how is expecting him to talk to me even for 30sec being selfish? selfish NO i think i have blinders on my eyes i feel like shit right now
    Some men will shut down like that when stressed, but to me going that long with no contact was totally inconsiderate. I think it was very unreasonable of him not to at least let you know he was okay.

    I wonder how he would have reacted if you had done that to him?

    (((hugs)))

    I know exactly what you mean about the blinders. I've been there. It is difficult, especially when you've been together awhile. I'm sure that you'll see clearly what to do if things don't get better.

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    Default Re: what should i do

    Always long distance? Did you meet online? Have you ever actually met? What's the longest time you've spent together? Have you done a background check on him?

    I'm sorry, but he's lying. His aunt was in the hospital? Being in a hospital means sitting and waiting a long time. If he really cared he would have called you, confided in you.

    This guy is playing you and I am 99.9% confident of this. Do a background check on him.

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