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Thread: Industry versus Boyfriends

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    Newbie Malon's Avatar
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    Sad Industry versus Boyfriends

    Hey there,

    I'm 19 and have been wanting to get into this industry for a very, very long time and I have come to the conclusion that this is something I need to do for myself. However, my boyfriend doesn't share the same opinion. He is a wonderful, caring, and almost all the time understanding guy and I can genuinely see a future with this guy. (Don't say I'm too young or naive as I know well enough by now) He bluntly said he is not okay with it and that if I am to enter this industry in any way, he will break up with me and cut me out of his life.

    I know it basically comes down to what I think is most important, but I've read everything from "He should support you and care more about your happiness than his insecurities" to "No wonder he hates it, you're selling your sexuality to other guys". The more I hear people talking down about this industry, the more it irritates me and urges me to go forward. I have no issues with my life other than money, and I genuinely want to do this job as it seems perfect. I am a very sensual, sexy, intelligent and down to earth girl and I figure this is worth a try as I have previously found out how much busting my ass over retail and hospitality jobs for shit pay isn't worth it.

    I was just wondering for anyone who has just started or had the same problem, what are your thoughts?

    :3

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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    Id say compromise, I did the same thing with my bf. He didnt want me to start dancing but I told him i really wanted to do it so he told me he was ok with it as long as I call him every once in a while and I dont go too far with the customers. I also told him that I wouldnt do it if ever he started feeling too uncomfortable or it was affecting our relationship.

    Stripping was important for me to try it and do it for a while but my relationship with my bf is also very important. He respected what I wanted to do and I respected how he felt about it. So far so good.

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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    ^ Yeah. We compromise. We have the option to get nude at my club, so I choose not to. It doesn't hurt my money at all and he feels more comfortable with it. I also work in a very clean club with cameras -EVERYWHERE- and this makes him feel more comfortable, too.

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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    Try to find out why he isn't okay with it. Find the root of his worries.

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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    Normally I would give a response along the line of "fuck him, you're free to do whatever you want, he's an insecure asshole, don't let a man dictate your choices about your job" and all that. And I usually would totally not condone lying. But since you've never actually danced before, and he says that the second you enter the industry, he's done with you, I might consider trying to dance 1 or 2 nights a week for awhile, without telling him just to see if you actually think losing a bf over this is worth it. I know a lot will probably disagree with me. But if you realize you don't actually like dancing, after telling him you're doing it anyway and breaking up, then you're just in a lose-lose situation. If you decide you really do like it, you can broach the subject with him again (don't mention doing it behind his back) and say you really really want to give it a try and want to talk about it again, and if he still says no, you're in a better place to decide if dancing is worth it to you.

    But if you absolutely can't lie to your bf for even a short amount of time, I would try to have another talk with him about why it bothers him and try to soothe his fears and come up with ground rules. If he still doesn't budge, I personally think he's insecure and controlling with very closed-minded views and I personally wouldn't want to be with someone like that anymore anyway. But I'm not you, so I don't know your bf or your relationship.

    But even if he does eventually agree... know that he will never truly be ok with it. You'll probably be back in a few months/a year saying "My bf said he would support me but now he's threatening to break up with me if I don't quit because he can't handle it anymore."

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    Featured Member luscious sadie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    while I agree with what Aurora_Sunset says almost 100% I still have to say "dump the motherfucker and move on" because I believe that NO MAN should ever define what his girlfriend legally does to earn her income.

    he won't LET you dance? You have to choose "him or the industry"? How about you choose YOURSELF and let him beg for you back once you're financially independent and living the life you want to.
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    Newbie Malon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    Thanks guys for your help! I was planning on doing what Aurora said, but the more I think about it the more I think I should just do what's best for me. I'd hate for it to end as us breaking up further down the track and then regretting never doing it!

    I'm auditioning within the next week, let's hope I work out what fits better in my life. :3

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    Featured Member luscious sadie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    good for you. No one has to LET you do anything. The sooner you take shit into your own hands and taste how good that freedom feels the better.
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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    I went through the exact same thing with my current boyfriend. About 6 months into our relationship I decided that stripping was something that I wanted to try. I was nervous to tell him thats what I wanted to do, so instead I subtly brought up strip clubs and my older sister who has been in the industry for years. After some time of bringing it up but never actually telling him that's what I wanted to do, I decided to go behind his back and just go in with my sister for a few nights here and there. Yes, I went behind his back and didn't tell him. This went on for a couple months. I'm not proud for hiding it for that long, but in that time I realized that dancing was something that I really liked. The longer I kept it from him that harder it was for me to sleep at night. After a great deal of thinking I decided that I was going to continue dancing. Period. It was going to help me achieve my long term and short term goals and I truly enjoyed going into work. I made a firm decision that I was going to continue doing this whether he liked it or hated it. Even if meant the end of our relationship. So the day came when I finally told him that I thought I'd like to give dancing a try. He agreed and was okay with it. I also told him (weeks later) that if he ever used dancing as a weapon against me (such as, you're just a fucking stripper) and other such derogatory statements that it would end our relationship on the spot. Even if it was in the heat of an argument. We are now celebrating our 2 year anniversary. He has never told me to quit and he has never used dancing against me in any way shape or form. But believe me, if he ever did then that would be the end of us... even 2 years in.

    I didn't include him in my decision process, because it wasn't his decision to help make. If this is what you TRULY want, then stick to your guns and make it happen. With or without him

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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    Oh man, I got hired after my audition and she wanted me to work that night but I couldn't. She gave me some numbers of dressmakers etc and told me to call back when ready, and the next night she calls and says she's short on girls and wants me to come in, all while the boyfriend is sitting right next to me. After a lengthy and weighty discussion I said I wouldn't do it. God, it was hard, harder than I thought. I love this guy, I really do but I was secretly hoping the whole time he'd just break it off so I wouldn't be put in this position. I hate him for putting me in this mess, as he knows how much I care for him and he knows how much this could have helped me achieve my dreams. My argument never seemed to match up to his and he insists he's not being jealous or insecure, just that he isn't okay with the fact that the girls are okay "being reduced down to their looks and nothing else" and that I "could do so much better than that". It sucks that there isn't really any sort of compromise for this sort of thing.

    I just rang the manager to say I won't be able to start working and that I hope I can at some point in the future. I will do it at some point, and my thinking at this point is if we break up down the track, I'm zooming right back in to audition again and if not, then well I guess we were worth putting my dream job off for.

    Okay, finished my rant. :3

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    Featured Member luscious sadie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    girl, break the fuck up with him. Your arguments didn't weigh up to his? He's not your keeper. He's supposed to be your partner. He is supposed to support you in whatever you want to do as long as it is reasonable and GUESS WHAT? Having a job doing something completely legal is worthy of having YOUR PARTNERS' SUPPORT.

    you are your own person. Realistically, you want to break up now (your words). Realistically, he's not going to support you forever or probably even stay with you forever. Realistically, nothing else is going to make you as happy as you would feel being able to provide for yourself and your future. Who is he to say and argue and convince you against doing what you obviously want to do. He can't control what you want in life - this isn't the 50s and you certainly aren't married to him.

    My argument never seemed to match up to his and he insists he's not being jealous or insecure, just that he isn't okay with the fact that the girls are okay "being reduced down to their looks and nothing else" and that I "could do so much better than that". It sucks that there isn't really any sort of compromise for this sort of thing.
    yes he is being jealous and insecure. There are so many jobs where you are "reduced" to way less than just your looks and get way less control over your life and certainly less money. Think about retail where you hustle your ASS off for the company and make minimum wage. All the while people are asking you to do the stupidest things. But THAT'S okay because you're not a *stripper*. Oh being a waitress where you are expected to be a servant for *less* than minimum wage and have to hope that people will think enough of you to tip you after treating you like shit. Not to mention the shit that you get from your managers at both jobs... or if you work as a cook, like I used to, where you get yelled at non-stop for nothing.

    .... but that's all okay because you're not a stripper.

    now that I am a stripper I am in control of my schedule. I decide when I work, where I work, how hard I work (maybe I just want to chill the fuck out and NOT hustle for one night). I can decide what I wear, how I look, when I tell people to fuck off. I am in control of the abuse that is given to me. If someone says something that is terrible. Boom, kicked out. Before I would have had to take it with a smile. If I'm super sore after work, I don't have to go in the next day. Do you think that I was given that bonus when I was a cook and my arms were all burned up and heat sensitive? Not to mention the fact that besides ALL THOSE OTHER THINGS. Being "reduced to my looks" pays me about 2500$ a WEEK. So you know what? I'm better than my OLD life, thank you very much and if being reduced to my looks means that I have complete control over my life then no, I am not better than that and have no apologies for that. Anyone who wants to tell me that I am "better than that" or who can even think that there is ANY argument over how stripping isn't worth it can suck my dick. It is completely because he is jealous / insecure. You want to take control of your life and it's not okay because you'll be a stripper. But not only will you be a stripper, you will be a self-employed and empowered business woman who won't have to take any of the shit that you used to.

    I seriously can't believe I put up with my "old life" for as long as I did.

    put yourself first and tell him that you are going to dance and that he can 'break it off' if he isn't happy with that. No arguing, no more controlling, no more feeling like you have to answer to ANYONE. Because when you're a dancer, you don't have to answer to anyone.

    what the fuck is it with girls feeling like they need the approval of their boyfriend before they start dancing? HE IS NOT YOUR KEEPER. He is your boyfriend and chances are, he won't even be that in a few years and by then it may be too late to start.
    Last edited by luscious sadie; 08-21-2011 at 11:39 AM.
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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    My argument never seemed to match up to his and he insists he's not being jealous or insecure, just that he isn't okay with the fact that the girls are okay "being reduced down to their looks and nothing else" and that I "could do so much better than that".

    Psh... yeah right. It is about him being jealous and insecure, he just doesn't want to admit it. The whole "respect for women" argument is just used to make someone look morally upright rather than insecure - and it worked. Any argument you have is better than his, because this is a weak and narrow-minded argument. I hope things work out for you, whatever happens, but know that this is a stupid (and probably made-up) argument on his part. And if it's his legit concern, he has a whole separate issue with women, and what he thinks their roles in life are, to deal with. Sounds like a case of "white knight syndrome"....

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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    My argument never seemed to match up to his and he insists he's not being jealous or insecure, just that he isn't okay with the fact that the girls are okay "being reduced down to their looks and nothing else" and that I "could do so much better than that".

    Psh... yeah right. It is about him being jealous and insecure, he just doesn't want to admit it. The whole "respect for women" argument is just used to make someone look morally upright rather than insecure - and it worked. Any argument you have is better than his, because this is a weak and narrow-minded argument. I hope things work out for you, whatever happens, but know that this is a stupid (and probably made-up) argument on his part. And if it's his legit concern, he has a whole separate issue with women, and what he thinks their roles in life are, to deal with. Sounds like a case of "white knight syndrome"....
    as well, I hope that he never goes to stripclubs or looks at porn or checks girls out...

    it's funny how this argument works really well when it's your girlfriend who wants to be a stripper and not just how you live your life. It is not okay to be reduced to your looks but I will look at porn, go to clubs and check girls out freely and yes, that is okay!

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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    My opinion may be different than other dancers. You don't have to take my advice, I'm just speaking from my personal experience/perspective, and maybe it will give you a different view.

    I've been with my man for a long time now (we are also engaged), and he very honestly does not mind me dancing. I think that's for various reasons. For one; he knows that I just work in it for money and it's flexible with my classes, which he understands. Two; he knows through school that I'll eventually get out of it, which he is looking forward to seeing me work towards and eventually in my real career. Three; he trusts me enough that I will not disrespect him/us by doing something I (or customers) shouldn't do. I'm very honest about my dancing experiences with him. It also helps that he has been to many clubs with me, including ones I work at (not while I was working though)...so it helped him better understand our environment.

    However; could your boyfriend potentially be concerned that being a newbie, for your safety? I know all clubs have security/bouncers, but that doesn't stop people from becoming violent, crossing boundaries in the club, trying to follow you home, paying people in the club to find out your "real information, like your name, car you drive, etc", and worse; STALKERS. These things all can happen. It might be a potential worry of his that his girlfriend might be hurt by someone else. BUT; I don't condone boyfriends jealousy. If trust is there between you both, then he shouldn't be jealous...and it sounds like he is.

    If you really do think this is the man you will end up marrying/having babies with, I'd see if you could exhaust any other option before dancing. If dancing is our only option, do one or two nights a week until (if) he can be comfortable with it. It's a risk if you do choose dancing over your man and lose him. You just have to decide if that risk is worth it hun. Hope it helps. Good luck.

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    Featured Member Laurisa's Avatar
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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    If you want to dance then do it.

    Unless you are married or in a long term rental contract/mortgage with this guy where breaking up would hurt your credit then there's no reason to stay if you want to dance more than you want to be with him.

    Money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy shit.
    If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.


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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    Quote Originally Posted by Malon View Post
    Oh man, I got hired after my audition and she wanted me to work that night but I couldn't. She gave me some numbers of dressmakers etc and told me to call back when ready, and the next night she calls and says she's short on girls and wants me to come in, all while the boyfriend is sitting right next to me. After a lengthy and weighty discussion I said I wouldn't do it. God, it was hard, harder than I thought. I love this guy, I really do but I was secretly hoping the whole time he'd just break it off so I wouldn't be put in this position. I hate him for putting me in this mess, as he knows how much I care for him and he knows how much this could have helped me achieve my dreams. My argument never seemed to match up to his and he insists he's not being jealous or insecure, just that he isn't okay with the fact that the girls are okay "being reduced down to their looks and nothing else" and that I "could do so much better than that". It sucks that there isn't really any sort of compromise for this sort of thing.

    I just rang the manager to say I won't be able to start working and that I hope I can at some point in the future. I will do it at some point, and my thinking at this point is if we break up down the track, I'm zooming right back in to audition again and if not, then well I guess we were worth putting my dream job off for.

    Okay, finished my rant. :3
    My bf was the same way but I was able to manipulate the fuck out of him into believing that it would be the best thing for the both of us, etc...and he ate that shit up, hell I can convince him that night is day and day is night if I wanted to. Seems like this guy has the upper hand on you in general. You need to be more persuasive, convincible.. It really is a great job but you have to be a strong woman who is always in control.

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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    I am are new to the forum and wanted to introduce myself .. I decided to enroll after a while 'I was reading the forum and all the good advice ..approaching the summer and I decided to get back a bit 'in the form .. I do sports (tennis and running) and I always tend to control what I eat, with ups and downs! I then discuss some interesting 'tricks and tips for proper nutrition ..I guess we will be fine!Good afternoon everyone!

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    Default Re: Industry versus Boyfriends

    Either you break up with him, and go and try to be in the industry as you were waiting many years.

    Or you stay with him and dont work in this industry.



    I went behind my bfs back and began stripping, he found out made me quit and paid my bills. Then he would be ok with me stripping, then I would go and work when he wasnt ok and he gave me lots of problems with it. In the end, he hated it and didnt want me working so we broke up. Im still a stripper and im loving it.

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