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Thread: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

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    Senior Member amorescudero's Avatar
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    Angry Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    Hi. WARNING this will be long....
    SO I know there is alot of posts about Bfs, husbands, and the industry. But I really need to vent and see if anyone can relate to this.....

    I currently bartend in a strip club. Its a small club, only one bartender on duty... only like 3-8 girls on at a time. I like bartending there, I make good money. Just as much, and many time more, then the dancers. BUT I have to work a 12 hour shift and I have alot of responsibilities (the bartender is the manager during the shift). Well I, I had to cut back my hours bc of my BFs job (bf, fiance, husband...whatever you wanna call him. We own a home together, we have kids, we live a "married life".) I also am in school and had to cut back my hours bc of this. I NEED MONEY. BAD. To pay my tution, day care for kids, bills, my wants and needs. My boyfriend pays the mortgage, utilities, but I pay for the food to feed our family of 5, gas, household items etc....My boyfriend never gives me money form myself. SO its up to me to make it.

    Well I have been considering dancing at my bar, bc I will be able to go in late at night, work a few hours, and walk out with the same I make bartending. I plan to keep bartending there too on the weekends. But 2 week nights I want to dance so I can make some extra cash I deperately need. I think I would make good money, I CONSTANTLY get told I am the hottest thing in there...I CONSTANTLY get asked to give dances, etc. My manager says he is totally ok with me bartending and dancing, and wants me to start immediately.

    Now heres the problem. My BF says hell no. HOWEVER...his last fucking girlfriend was a stripper!! And to add to that, before he met me, he constantly hung out in strip clubs. His good friends owned one, so he practlically lived there. He also messed around with tons of dancers...Also, he looks at porn, and naked girls online all the time sneakily behind my back, despite me not being ok with things like that.

    Why was it ok for his last girlfriends to be dancers, was why it ok for him to frequent strip clubs, and me not be able to be a dancer?? Why is it ok for him to look at naked girls, but not for me to be naked for other men? At least I am getting PAID for it! His only response is that "he loves me, and doesnt want me to do that".... well My response is that until he starts paying ALL my bills, he cant tell me how I can and cant earn my money.

    Anyone else deal with something like this??

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    Member Kedamono's Avatar
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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    i'm not in the same situation but i completely agree that until he pays for everything, he can't tell you what to do for your money.
    unfortunately, if you go ahead and do it anyway, it sounds like it will cause some conflict in your relationship.
    i think the best idea would be to have a serious talk and see if you can get to the root of his concern. is he worried you'll sleep with someone else? worried you'll suddenly be independent and not need him? i dont know, i'm just throwing those out there.
    it really bothers me when men disapprove of their significant others wanting to strip.. do they think the strippers they pay at the club are somehow "less" than their own girlfriends? and if so, why the hell are they going there still? ugh.
    i'm a lesbian and my girlfriend loves strippers so i feel pretty lucky.
    let us know what happens!

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    Senior Member pollywogg's Avatar
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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    I'm sorry to hear about this situation ... I would suggest that you ask yourself/him these questions before you make the decision to do this whether he likes it or not:

    How important is this man to me?

    Why do I stay with this man when he is doing things that he knows hurt me?

    What would he do if I asked him to do or not do anything reasonable for the sake of our relationship and out of respect for me?

    If a buddy asked him to go to a strip club would he not go out of concern for your relationship?

    Does he understand double standards?

    Does he understand that when he goes to a strip club, or looks at porn it is for his own enjoyment vs. the dancer who does it to pay bills?

    Does he not want me to do this because he is REALLY concerned for me or is it about his own egotistical testosterone driven subconscious selfish desires to control?

    In what way will dancing be a bad thing for you, in his opinion?

    Are we really going through life together as team with real concerns about the welfare of each other or are we really just roommates having sex?


    The last question is probably really the most critical one for you to analyze... (I'm a natural analyzer, so this comes easy to me LOL) I've found that many people move in together for convenience rather than as an alternative to marriage. The difference is huge.

    I moved in with a man thinking that we would be committed and it really turned out that we were just roommates having sex and I was very unhappy, but that was me. Other women may be fine with a scenario like this. I just find that often, the man in these situations is not capable of, or understands what it means to be a partner with a woman and the women often do not really understand either, however, it seems that most women are more ready, willing and able to be concerned & act accordingly about the overall state of their partners wellbeing, while men seem to be more blind about the women's needs, even after she spells it out to him politely. Not that this is always the case, because I do know some great men who find themselves concerned more about the relationship than their signifigant other femmes, but I believe the scales are more likely to be tipped toward the first scenario.

    This whole situation may be a test of your relationship. I feel like I'm stirring things up a bit, but I've been around the block and call em like I see them. At any rate, it would be most excellent to get some dialogue going to get some clarity about the real status of your relationship, because if I had a stand up guy that I truly loved and adored with a real partnership and commitment, I would NOT do something that would hurt the relationship and unfortunately, the fact of the matter is that the profession of dancing IS most certainly something that causes a LOT of strife in most relationships. The chances of having a good relationship with a man while dancing is very slim, not impossible, just not likely... so if you are going to do this, you need to get some clarity and support from your man or seriously question the relationship in it's entirety.
    Last edited by pollywogg; 08-15-2011 at 11:30 AM. Reason: rephrasing

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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    I was in a similiar situation a few months ago. My bf (bf, fiance, husband...whatever you wanna call him. We live a "married life".) is working two jobs, and I work full time making decent money but it's never enough. I think it has a lot to do with it being summer and needing the children to be full time at daycare as opposed to after school. He picked up another job but again no matter what it still was not enough. We had conversations of me working as a cocktail waitress at a stripbar but he did not think I would want to work as a dancer. I sat down with him one day and showed him on paper the pros and cons. He did not completely agree that me becoming a dancer would be a 'good fit' for me, which was surely an excuse for me not dancing. As soon as our cable got turned off (either cable or daycare) he agreed that I should at least try. Moral of the story, move your money around to pay what's in the best interest of the kids and most likely he will be the one that is lacking on cable or cell phone, shoot cut the internet off (no porn today honey) then he will come around and open up to the idea of you being one of the women that he used to spend his money on. I just started and do not do extra's, I'm not knocking any other the other's who do. I may just not be there yet.

    Good luck and keep reminding him it's not full time.

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    Senior Member amorescudero's Avatar
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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    "How important is this man to me?"- He is very important. I love him and plan on being with him forever. We have children together, we have a life together, we own a home together. I cant picture myself with anyone else nor do I want to be with anyone else. I am previously divorced, with two daughters. and I dont ever want to go through that situation again

    "Why do I stay with this man when he is doing things that he knows hurt me?"- Well the truth...bc i HAVE to. I dont have anywhere else to go. No friends. No family in this state. Plus I refuse to put my kids through another divorce. I cant just pack up and take my 3 kids to stay in the streets. If I didnt have kids...you bet your ass I would probably go stay at a friends house for a few days or something. Kids change everything. We actually seperated once, when my son was 2 months old, bc of my bf, and it ended in a horrible legal battle that cost both parties over 50 grand. We since reconciled and i cant go through that again emotionally or financially. My immature solution is to just GET EVEN! I feel better when I feel like Ive evened things out. Me stripping part time makes me feel a little bit even. Not to mention I need the money bad.

    "What would he do if I asked him to do or not do anything reasonable for the sake of our relationship and out of respect for me?" - I think me asking "please dont keep looking at that shit on your phone or computer. If you want to see a naked girl I will get naked right now" is pretty damn reasonable. But he apologizes and then two days later does it again. Hes not always reasonable. He will say he will respect me, but then fucks up again.

    If a buddy asked him to go to a strip club would he not go out of concern for your relationship? -If he was out...i dont know what he would do. I think he wouldnt go...he hasnt gone that I know of since we have been together. But i would be suprised if he did and just didnt tell me. He would justify it by saying "i didnt get ld's or anything".

    Does he understand double standards? - No i do not think he understands. Maybe he doesnt care...maybe he doesnt understand. I am not sure which one it is

    Does he understand that when he goes to a strip club, or looks at porn it is for his own enjoyment vs. the dancer who does it to pay bills?- I think he understands this yes. However...it doesnt change him not wanting me to do it

    Does he not want me to do this because he is REALLY concerned for me or is it about his own egotistical testosterone driven subconscious selfish desires to control?- I think he is concerned about himself. He doesnt want his friends finding out. He told me he doesnt want me shaking my ass in another guys face.

    In what way will dancing be a bad thing for you, in his opinion?- He says that it could hurt me if my ex husband found out. WHich if my ex found out, he would flip. He could file court papers TRYING to start shit. BUT if he found out, I would quit immediately. ANd he would have no proof I worked there. ANd I wouldnt be working on the nights I had my daughters. I would do it the nights they went to their dads.

    Are we really going through life together as team with real concerns about the welfare of each other or are we really just roommates having sex?- .....I do believe he loves me and isnt just using me. I am trying to have a partnership. and we do pretty well at it the vast majority of the time. Just not when it comes to this issue

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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    Unfortunately, money is a part of life and once you are on your feet financially a lot of your other concerns in the relationship will become more clear as the stress/fighting over funds will have stopped.

    It is not unusual for men to resist the idea of their partner/wife working as a stripper. My husband is the same and the idea of his wife working as a stripper is a strong blow to his ego/pride. However, as toutyfruity438 pointed out after financial concerns are met he might be more understanding.

    In addition, the reality is that stripping is not a career we can do for the rest of our lives. Approach this with him and point out that stripping will strengthen the family's finances, remove financial pressures, and provide funding for school/training or later goals in life.

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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    Sorry to say this it may be 2011 but most men resent the idea of their SO making more $$$$$. It takes a certain kind of man to tame the savage beast (love you pooky And I don't mean this to be harsh but your man does not seem to possess the enlightened outlook men need to deal with our lifestyle.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
    Tempest

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    Senior Member amorescudero's Avatar
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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    But why could he deal with it before.....and not now? You think its bc he will know I have more power (money)? Your right it seems now all a sudden he doesn't have that ability. But I am PISSED that he was ok with his last gf doing it. I am LIVID that he used to hang out in SC like alllllllllllllll the time. And this was only a year ago...its just so stupid to me. Its all about money. "Times are tough...baby needs some shoes"...ya know what im saying. I CAN'T work a normal job bc of HIM. He wont give me the extra money I need either. I have like over ten grand in lawyers fees right now...if I could work a normal job I would. If I could just bartend I would. (I make the same the dancers do). But I can't. And its all bc of him. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I want to rip a penis off right now

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    Veteran Member sweetsam's Avatar
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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    Well if the kids are only yours and his, and he didn't have kids with the ex stripper, it could be that because you are the "mother of his kids" that he does not want you to do that. I am in a similar situation myself except that it concerns web cam modeling, and not stripping..lol

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    Senior Member pollywogg's Avatar
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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    Wow! I just logged on to see how things were going over here. I was really throwing those questions out for you to ponder... but am honored that you took the time to type them out and I understand and respect your position completely.

    I like Tootyfruity's idea a lot, frankly.

    In the meantime, it sounds like you need to muster up the strength to just simply accept & forgive him of his faults and it seems like many women experience that kind of indifference from their men and they seem to just accept it and they are OK. You just have to be careful about enabling though. The statement that he seems to know to apologize, yet cannot stop is a little concerning, but it sounds like you are happy overall in your relationship with him.

    If you choose not to do this out of respect for his wishes, you may want to figure out a way to make it clear that YOU made this decision out of love and not because he is subconsciously controlling the situation. I don't know exactly how to achieve this, but I've always had problems with "giving in" to requests out of respect for the relationship, and then it just escalates and it's never enough. They get that inch and keep going for the mile. And bear in mind, they often don't realize they are even doing it. Maybe your guy won't be like that, but it's a possibility.

    My favorite part of that movie, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" was the part where the Mom and the Aunt make up stories to get the egotistical father to allow his daughter to go work at the Aunts travel agency ... they made him feel like it was his idea. If you have not seen that movie, check it out. As much as we want to just be completely honest all the time, sometimes you gotta work around a mans ego. This is how women throughout the ages have had to evolve!

    Good Luck Sistah!

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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    Maybe he just had a bad experience with the ex. I highly doubt my husband would ever date a stripper again. Of course he sometimes loves the fact I dance, but he hates losing time with me on the weekend. So much that I doubt he'd date any girl with a night time job if we ever broke up.

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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    I hate to play devil's advocate, but...

    Most of the time when women on this board have problems such as this, they were dancing long before their SO joined the scene.

    I am in a similar situation, except in reverse. My bf has taken a job with ridiculous hours and away time. I find it completely unacceptable.

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    Senior Member amorescudero's Avatar
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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    UPDATE-

    I just had to max out a credit card for a 1000 emergency....
    So now he says I can do it. Just not where I currently work. He doesnt want his friends coming in there and seeing me. WHich i understand....bc it would be kind of akward. He also says his BIG thing about me doing it is that he doesnt want other guys to touch me bc I am "his"...I told him "well they still touch me now.."...bc they do. They always shove money down my boobs, even if i dont let them, they just fucking do it. ALso, when I am leaning over the bar, guys will reach out and play with my hair.

    So I dont see what the big difference is....
    ANYWAYS....so I am going to check out another club tomorrow thats further away where I can be incagnito. I hope I like it...and I hope they like me. I am nervous...but I know I will be fine

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    God/dess cherryblossomsinspring's Avatar
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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    Just read this! This is 99% why I'm single. There is no way in hell some man is going to tell me how to make my money. First off if he's not providing but he has time to spend money on going to strip clubs then you already have your answer on what type of man he is.

    Just look in the blue section and you'll see things from their point of view.

    In many ways it's the Do as I say not as I Do even if you're getting paid for it and No I can't help you with bills either. Hell with that!

    The problem that may come up at some point is "how can this man love me?" when he's not doing enough to help me , but still has money to spend on "other women" that are only there for his entertainment fun? They aren't there when he's sick, down , needing a hug etc. They don't do the laundry and clean those horrible toothpaste stains he leaves in the sink, but they get his money. I get the " I'm broke".

    Then you start in the adult industry and have men giving you money for your time and attention and some may even be hotter then the man you got at home. So then you think? Why do I have a man at home?

    There are even some guys that try to umm "hurt their women due to size" just so they can be out of work for camming. Does that sound like someone who wants you to succeed? Can he provide the money you'll loose if you don't work that week? Nope ? Then tell him to use his damn hand next time.

    This is about survival and if he's not part of the solution then he IS THE PROBLEM.

    You may love him completely but think about how much you must love yourself. Kick the baby out and let him find another breast to milk off of and now focus on YOU AND WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF.

    When people struggle it should be because they are alone, not when a man is there. Try seeing how faithful he'll be if you stop having sex. Strip club trip that week? Most likely.

    Oh and he dated a stripper too? I wonder how much he spent on her before she actually dated him for free. Are you getting it now? I'm pretty sure he didn't walk in and say let's date and she was like sure! Lol he was probably paying for her time $300+ per hour out of the club just for DINNER ONLY.

    What I see is the real issue with this guy is that he doesn't want COMPETITION AND HE'S SELFISH!. You start getting guys wanting to just spend money to have dinner but this guy is bringing you home left overs but expecting sex. Trust that you'll see him in a whole new light by month 2-3.

    You emergency fund should be for the latest shoes not food or rent money.

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    God/dess cherryblossomsinspring's Avatar
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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    Whoever your man is all I can say is he DOES NOT DESERVE YOU! Just read the rest of your update. So now you have to hide because of his manly pride when his pride should be making him work harder to provide!

    But he can masturbate to other women and pay for lap dances at a strip club. Uggg these men make me sick and I really do love men. For the way things sound , he's probably afraid you're going to bump women that he played with at the club. That's the part that would be awkward.

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    Senior Member amorescudero's Avatar
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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    hahahah. i agree with alot of what you said cherry blossom.

    Wanna know something funny?....When I met him, he acted like the most secure guy in the world. And it pissed me off. Bc he would do shit that really hurt my feelings (like make comments with his guy friends about models on tv...all right in front of me)...and when I brought this up...he treated me like i was silly and stupid. Now all of a sudden hes insecure about shit...and is constantly making comments like "oh who are you on your phone with...your other bf?"...etc.. He says that I MADE him insecure. I dont know how i did that..and he cant tell me either. I never cheated. I never even looked twice at another guy.

    I really believe all this shit is HIS problem. NOT mine. And i want to keep peace in my relationship...so I will try working somewhere else. However...if it doesnt work out...I will go where I damn well please...and he will get over it eventually. I know that the first time I bring home money he will change his attitude. I think its just the initial shock of me getting naked for other guys all a sudden.....but again...its his problem. I just stopped caring about his opinions about this subject bc hes a hypocrite.

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    God/dess Jay12's Avatar
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    Default Re: Any one else deal with a hypocritical significant other?

    Yup, is all his problem, not yours. You're not the problem, he's the problem.

    The other day I had a fight with my bf (not stripping related), and I made him see that the root of the problems was HIM!!!!!





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