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Last edited by Laurisa; 09-23-2011 at 10:31 AM.
If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.
He sounds like a total mooch. Of course he doesn't give you crap about your job, because it's funding his life. Maybe money is his only flaw, but it's a big one. Finances are of one of the top things couples fight about - understandably so. Think how much money you could be saving, or spending on a nicer car, if he cut back to only spending within his means. $400 a month isn't even what his car payment costs. That's not much contribution. So he gives you $400 of his $1500 every month and then is free to do whatever the hell he wants with the other $1100? And he won't even let you benefit off his FREE stuff!? He may not have a lot but he has enough to pay his own way if he was just intelligent with his money. I think you need to start forcing him to pay his own way. Don't pay for his car or insurance - those are his responsibilities. If he whines he can't handle it, then it's time for him to downgrade. He sounds like a teenager that doesn't understand that money doesn't grow on trees. He figures as long as the money's there, no matter who it came from, he can spend it however he wants. While it's true that, as a couple, you technically share finances, that also means that you get just as much a say in how that money is spent. That means no new car for him, no new computer, no nothing that he doesn't need. He needs to grow up and start learning some financial responsibility. No matter how great he is otherwise, a 30-year old who can't handle his own bills and lives way beyond his means has issues.
If he wants you to be the breadwinner, then he should take on the role of childcare, cleaning, cooking, all that domestic stuff. At this point, you don't even have a partner - just another overgrown child.




*He pays for his car payment and insurance ($500/total) and gives me $400/month for our bills which are $1300. My car is another $200, which I pay as well.
If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.
Tell him to man up or break up. He is not your fathers baby, hes just some lazy boyfriend who needs his ass kicked. Stop paying, tell him to find a second job - anything, you shouldnt be his back up ATM... I understand it is a relationship and you care etc,,, but this is just pure self-fish and lazyness from his side. Have a talk with him, move out for a bit, stay with a friend and let him know how it is to be paying all the pays. He needs responiable in his life, and he wont find it with someone helping with.




I agree with a lot of what you said. And I did put my foot down about the new car and the new computer. He said "well not RIGHT now, but in the future".
I think he does live beyond his means and it frustrates me. I just don't know how to approach the subject and get him to actually take the initiative and get a cheaper car. I can't force him to do it--but three years is way too long to wait for him to pay the car off. He doesn't clean much...takes out the trash when I force him to. He helps in the morning for an hour or so with my son a couple days a week, stays home at night so I can grocery shop once he gets home when my son is asleep. My problem is that if he left me, I could still support myself and afford my lifestyle by myself. (I've done it before when we broke up and the house was still standing). If I left him he'd go right back to his parents house (like last time). He's never ever in his entire life lived in an apartment without a roommate or girlfriend, ever. I know that some people couldn't afford to live in an $1,100/month house with all their bills alone...but shit, a 1 bedroom apartment is like $500 plus utilities and even that would be a stretch for him with his car payment.
I want to plan a future with him--not be stuck paying for everything outside of his $400/month just because "I can". That's not fair. If we get that new place for $1,125 he'll still be giving me $400/month but the bills will have increased by $400 to the dollar! WTF?! How can I be OK with that? You know? It's like...get rid of your fucking car dude. It's not cool when you don't have gas money to get to work because you can barely make your payments.
If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.




If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.




I don't think he's lazy, he works more than I do. I think that he feels entitled to his Honda because he works but that he has a disconnect between what is fair and what is not. He isn't willing to sell his car and pay his equal half. If he could afford to pay $650/month plus his car payment then that would be half the bills...but there would still be food/gas/household items to factor in which would likely be another $200 from him!
Not to mention, he's only lived in a house other than his parents once. It was a rental house with four other people when he was in his early twenties. I don't want to live in apartments my whole life. I'm a psychology major...I'm planning on getting my Ph.D and earning the big bucks. Even before that I'll be able to get a nice house with a lower interest rate vs. being an independent contractor dancer and applying for a mortgage. I can afford a mortgage payment right now. He seems fine working for $13-14/hour and living in apartments until he dies...I'm just not OK with that. I make $33 in THREE MINUTES when I charge $40/dance (which is normally what I do).
I'm upset by this.
If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.
^^^ I just read what everybody wrote, and if you have been dating him for 3 years and he's been like this, I wouldn't expect him to change. I hope he does change, because you really want to see it work.





Simply put you deserve better. You should not be supporting a man.




Simply put you being a sugar mommy to him.
"The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works" -GORDON GECCO
You have a son, you have a job that supports you and your son. You have plans, (house, phd, etc.....). In other words, you are a responsible, motivated, independent ADULT.
Your boyfriend is someone who DOESNT support himself or have plans for a better future. He doesnt see the need to do anything more, because he can just go back and live with his parents.....doesnt really sound like an adult.
You may love everything else about him.......but this part of him is pretty important, and dont count on it changing.
Get your dream apartment in your hometown. You can still 'date' your boyfriend if you dont want to cut it off completely.......but DONT let him move in.


I say get rid of him. If a relationship doesn't make your life better, time to get rid of. You'll find someone better. And if not, you and your purse will be better off.
He's a mooch to the tenth power.
Smoke good, eat good. Drink and f*** good. Comin' to the club, stuntin' how you should. My s*** on fire I don't need no gasolina. I'm comin through the block with the new two seater. Cash rules everything around me -- C.R.E.A.M. -- get the money! Dollar dollar bill, y'all!!! FREEZE!!! You know who it is!!! It's me *****es!!! Showtime!!! -Swizz Beats



Unfortunately his priorities are clear to everyone but you...... The car issue tells you everything you need to know.
Wow, I'm the voice of restraint on the forum today........But I really agree with the others here.
yeah....its not like some of the other situations on here.......he is probably a decent guy....doesnt abuse her, isnt controlling, etc.. Its just probably not a good match.
Was talking to my wife about my 14 yr old daughters boyfriend......not a bright kid(our daughter is extremely smart an mature). I was saying, she shouldnt be dating dumb guys... My wife said that it was the perfect time to date dumb cute guys because when else is she going to be able to do it.....when you DONT want to be dating dumb cute guys is when you are in your mid twenties.



Like a stray dog getting food, petted and out of the rain. He ain't leaving without a boot to the ass.
I can do better than you in a two bit fancy house



I would say keep track of EVERYTHING you purchase. Yours, his. Chart it. Add it up. Weekly, monthly, whatever. What you pay for, what he pays for. Maybe he doesn't really understand it. Stop paying for all his stuff too! :p
InnesX




I wanted my Nana to watch my son tonight but it would be 2 1/2 hours of driving to bring him there and go home. Then I'd have to do another 2 1/2 hours in the morning to pick him up. That's $40 in gas and he gets home too late to go see a movie. I'm not in the mood to go clubbing. I thought it would be a good idea to go do something fun and then have a serious talk about his car and his help around here. I decided not to have her watch him because it's a waste of time, we can talk when he's asleep. We fight almost on a weekly basis but it's usually on the weekends because I don't instigate fights when my son is home. (We've never fought in front of my son--ever). Then I get stressed out and go to work so the conversation ends.
So I think I'm going to ask him to sit on the patio with me tonight once he gets home and bring everything up in a nice manner. I'm going to explain my side of things but first I'm going to ask him "do you think our current split of the bills is fair for both of us"? I want to hear his response and go from there. If he truly believes that his car payment and inability to pay his half of the bills because of it is fair then I think I have my answer.
If he is reasonable and sees my end, but is worried about how much he'll get from giving the car back to the dealership/contract terms/his credit then I guess we'll go from there. Where there's a will there's a way--if he really wants to get rid of his car and get things rolling around here then I will feel very valued and I will take that as a serious step toward the ultimate commitment. If not, then I guess he's not marriage potential and he doesn't view me the same as I view him.
If he really wants things to work then he will make the necessary changes to do so. After all, that car won't be around forever.
If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.
^^^ I think you have a good plan. Maybe if he sees that you might leave he could change.




^^I hope so.
I feel bad I got a laptop, but it's really for school since I do all online classes so my son doesn't have to go to daycare. If he was going to school he could get a new laptop too, for free or very little with grant money! That's what I did. I just got it two days ago. I could have bought one, sure, but I spent $600 on a new TV last year so I decided to wait until I got my grant money to save money for my household.
I have a desktop computer he can use whenever he wants though. It's about 6 years old but it surfs the internet fine. I don't want him to be all work and no play, but I feel like if he gave up his car then he could afford to save for a laptop while still helping me equally financially.
I have a 6 year old car, a 2 year old Sanyo SCP-2700 (not a smartphone), and a new laptop. He has a 2 year old car, a 2 year old smartphone, and uses my 6 year old computer. I guess when I look at it that way then it's fair.
If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.



Don't think that way. Your 6 year old car, 2 year old Sanyo and a new laptop are not a current drain on your finances. His 2 year old car is.
Don't depend entirely on a dealer to get out from under the financing on his car if he decides to do something about the situation. You would probably be better off with a private sale and be able to get something closer to what is owed on the vehicle. A dealer is only going to offer an amount that allows them to resell at retail and still make a profit. You can get retail (or something close) selling privately. I recently did this and we received a thousand more than any dealer was willing to pay as trade in.
Stay calm...dont fight !!! Present your viewpoint and hopefully he will see the light. Regards.........
Well. As I see it, his lack of financial aspiration is a bigger problem than the car.
Even if he gets a cheaper car... imagine how bitter he's going to feel about trading in his car just to give you all the money when you have more than enough to make up for his lack of income already.
When you're the person who makes less... it often doesn't seem "fair" it seems like you want him to scrape and scramble while you roll around in your pile of extra cash. It's stupid... but that's the case more often than "you're right, I should pay half!"
Trading in the car is a bandage on the wound.
You'll still be dating a man-child with no future and no dream of landing anything past an entry level position. (No offense)
What you really need to be talking about is your future together, and what does he plan to do with himself in order to have a successful relationship and future with you and your son.
He's willing to work, and he works hard at the job he does have... but it seems like you want more for yourself and more from a future partner than someone who just scrapes by with your help.




Thank you for giving me some insight into his perspective. I never thought about that.
I'm honestly not rolling in the cash. My son's autism treatments are $200/hour. I'm spending roughly this:
$325 rent (with his $400 at the very end of the month, totaling $725)
$350 consultation with home therapy child psychologist (once monthly)
$200 comcast - cable & internet
$200 car payment and insurance
$200-250 DTE (this month it's $297...my AC unit is old, this happened last year too)
$50 ISTA bill (hot, cold water, sewage, trash pick up)
$30 credit card
$150 gas
$400 food, diapers, wipes for my son, household items, odds and ends
$200 food for myself
$50 one new book per week for my son
That's just the bare minimum. That doesn't include me going out with friends (which I rarely do), or buying myself new things for work when I need them. I haven't cut my hair in three months or changed my oil in three months to save money. I probably spend another $100/month on new outfits, make up, and hair products for work.
So even though I make more, I also spend more. He spends $400/month (just started last month) on our bills, $500/month on his car, and buys himself food for as long as he can. -_-
If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.




Granted, I still have money left over and I obviously could afford the extra $400/month as I have for the other 11 months...but still.
I'm spending roughly $2200 before I even feed my cats or catch a movie with my friends.
If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.
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