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Thread: Help another relationship issue...

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    Default Help another relationship issue...

    Don't worry
    Last edited by stripperchic; 03-08-2012 at 04:45 AM.

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    Veteran Member tropicalust's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    I wouldn't throw away a 2.5 year old perfect relationship, for a 2 month old crush. Perhaps what you feel is lust, because it is impossible to get to know somebody in 2 months. Are you sure this guy is not telling you he would marry you just to get in your pants??? if I where you I would be careful and stay away from this guy, you need to respect your current relationship. When we take decisions obviously we are dishing out other ones, therefore if you stay with your current bf you might question what would had happened with the other guy and if you stay with the 2 month guy you might question the decision about staying with your current bf. If you love your bf, and for what you said it looks like you love him 100%, I don't see why you would let go somebody that gives you everything you need, for a guy that you are assuming he might give you everything you need.
    I hope this helps.
    "A real woman has to be a chef in the kitchen, a lady in the living room, and a whore in the bedroom..T-Lust"



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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    this helps. and i totally understand it.

    though....its wrong that its made me realise its not what i wanna hear.

    i do keep thinking.....im a dick, why would i throw all that away.

    its not just a get in the pants things with this guy....the connection is un-fucking-real. i cant explain it. iv seen the guy every day for two months, thats how its gone so deep so quick.

    its hard becaise i keep thinking....i cant let this just pass. i want this new guy. a ridiculous amount.

    but i would miss my fiance. and he's so adorable he deserves a good life.

    wtf is wrong with me? i do this every relationship

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    God/dess laurielegs's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    Quote Originally Posted by stripperchic View Post
    this helps. and i totally understand it.

    though....its wrong that its made me realise its not what i wanna hear.

    i do keep thinking.....im a dick, why would i throw all that away.

    its not just a get in the pants things with this guy....the connection is un-fucking-real. i cant explain it. iv seen the guy every day for two months, thats how its gone so deep so quick.

    its hard becaise i keep thinking....i cant let this just pass. i want this new guy. a ridiculous amount.

    but i would miss my fiance. and he's so adorable he deserves a good life.

    wtf is wrong with me? i do this every relationship
    Maybe you should step back and postpone your marriage. It doesn't sound like you are anywhere near ready and if you care about your fiance at all you should be honest with him and not make promises you may not be able to keep.


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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    "wtf is wrong with me? i do this every relationship"

    Then it sounds as though you are nowhere near ready to be in a serious relationship let alone get married. i'd tell you to take your time. You are obviously not ready to commit to anyone just yet.

    It sounds as though you need to spend some time getting more comfortable with who you are outside of being in a relationship. If you define yourself by being attached to a guy, be that your fiance or the new guy or whatever other guy catches your eye then what you are actually doing is avoiding being comfortable with yourself solo. Have you ever spent any significant time single? It sounds as though that would be a good thing for you to do.

    When you are ready to commit you will find that whilst you can appreciate that there might be other awesome guys in the world that you might meet, they won't seem as awesome as your guy, instead of wanting to be with these other guys you'll find yourself wondering which of your single friends you can set them up with because you've got your Mr Right.

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    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    I would cut the relationship off with your fiance. I agree that you don't sound like you're ready to commit to someone. You should def stay single for a while until you figure out what you want.

    Good luck

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    thank you

    the hardest part is - if i cut off the current situation. i will naturally float into the new situation.

    feelings are powerful and do take over!

    i can be alone. i have been alone. im bloody happy alone too.

    its almost like i know what to do.....just cant face doing it

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    Featured Member silk55's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    Why not list the things you don't like in the current relationship? If those items can be satisfied in this new guy then go for it!
    "The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works" -GORDON GECCO

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    What is lacking w ur 2.5 year relationship that u feel the need to venture away from it? I def agree w other who have said u need to postpone the wedding thing. Sounds like u have a good thing and r spoiled with that and want someone else for the hell of it.

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    You're having second thought because perhaps you aren't ready to settle down. How old are you? That makes a difference. However, the second guy almost sounds like a fling and nothing long term. I knew someone who was getting married and dropped the first guy to be with another she felt was the one. The second guy wasn't anything but a fling and once he got what he wanted (sex)he dumped her. She ended up losing a great relationship and both guys.

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    its ridiculous. i feel utterly ridiculous.

    i know that with the new guy - it'll work. i cant explain why as there are people on here that may know me and i don't want the confrontation.

    but basically yeah, he would marry me in a heartbeat - i just know. do anything for me. move the world for me. take me anywhere. give me anything. love me, look after me.

    i love being around him. so similar. it kills everytime i have to leave. literally spend most my days with him.

    its so hard to explain....

    when im with him im 100% sure thats the one.

    when im away - i look at what id be throwing away.

    im sorry this probably pisses a few people off on this site.......but its genuinely conmsuming me right now

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    Quote Originally Posted by stripperchic View Post
    i love being around him. so similar. it kills everytime i have to leave. literally spend most my days with him.

    its so hard to explain....

    when im with him im 100% sure thats the one.

    when im away - i look at what id be throwing away.

    im sorry this probably pisses a few people off on this site.......but its genuinely conmsuming me right now
    This is really confusing to me.

    How is it you can spend most of your days with him?

    When do you see your fiance, and how does he feel about you spending all this time with this other guy?

    (or are you doing it behind his back)?


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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    As Kellydancer asked, how old are you? You sound very young, even if you're not, you're nowhere near ready to marry or be in a serious relationship with anyone.

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    Call the wedding off. You're going to regret it. If you're having second thoughts, then you're not ready to be married. You said "we were planning on getting married in 2 years." Why does it have to be 2 years? You can't plan like that; it has to come along naturally. You're really not being fair to your fiance either. If you're in love with him, then you shouldn't want to be with other guys.

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    I personally would stay with the fiancé... forget about this other guy but hold off on the wedding for a little while longer. Do you live with your fiancé? I think living together is an important part of figuring out if a marriage will work.

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    i see the 2nd guy all the time due to work.

    he is incredibly financially secure (as is my fiance) but also very driven and ambitious. very mature as well.

    the fiance mentioned not wanting children as my attention would be diverted from him....he is incredibly immature at times which doesnt bother me as thats men.

    the guy number 2 is similar in wants in life. ie nice places, nice experiences, etc.

    the fiance is very comfortable and 'safe' living if that makes sense?

    i think if i were to list problems in my current relationship it would be the lack of spontenaity (sp?) and the increasing frequency of neediness. im refraining from using the word boring as much as possible as i think thats rather harsh.

    its frightening not being in control of your feelings. id love to magically make myself happy in my current situation.

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    It sounds as if you're addicted to the rush of a "storybook romance." Your fiance is old news - real... this new guy is like some savior come to whisk you away from the boring reality. I think you're just having doubts about your fiance because it doesn't feel "magical" anymore, and this new guy is so new that you haven't seen all his sides (good and bad) yet. New "loves" or infatuations or whatever are always "perfect." They always flow so magically. That's because they're fresh and everyone's putting their best foot forward and you don't have all the baggage of a prolonged relationship. You don't talk about the finances and the vacuuming and argue about the dog puking on the rug or how he can't manage to put his shit-stained undies in the hamper. Trust me - if you were to leave your fiance for this new guy, you would be feeling the same way about him in 2 and a half years. And if this new guy is the kind of guy who would tell an engaged woman that he would marry her in a heartbeat, I have to question just how great and perfect he is. I honestly think you should stop making wedding plans right now and stop talking to this other guy anymore than professionally necessary while you figure out (possibly go to couples therapy) why you are wanting to give up your fiance for a guy you just met.

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    Quote Originally Posted by Vyanka View Post
    I would cut the relationship off with your fiance. I agree that you don't sound like you're ready to commit to someone. You should def stay single for a while until you figure out what you want.

    Good luck
    This.

    When we are with someone long enough, the shine wears off. He/she is no longer that strange, new, exotic, magnetic thing. We see all of their flaws and limitations and they become familiar. A good relationship is not about finding the perfect mate, because that simply does not exist, but finding someone you want to be with enough that you are willing to let the new shiny objects go.

    It sounds to me like you are not ready to settle down yet, or at least not with your fiance and perhaps not with anybody. Believe me when I say that the shine will wear off of this new guy too, but if you are not ready to settle down you might as well enjoy yourself for a while. You'd also be doing your fiance a favor by cutting bait before you do something that would hurt him even more.

    Anyway, good luck!

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    There's some good advice in this thread. No matter what you decide, really you should consider at least waiting awhile before you marry. It's way too big of a step to make if you are unsure.


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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    ok....

    so i know cutting it off is the thing to do. now its doing it that is going to be hard.

    he's given me everything, literally everything (a car, a wage, a house, engage,ent ring! - all of which I haven't asked for ever mind) and its hard to say 'i don't want this anymore' as i know its going to hurt him.

    this is hard to do as i really care about him. and i hate hurting people. normally in any situation inducing pain in another person i'd bottle it, and just deal with the pain myself of something being wrong and get on with it in order to spare anothers feelings.

    urgh this is sickening

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    how old are you and how old is the guy that you want to be with?
    "The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works" -GORDON GECCO

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    im 25 and hes 36

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    Who's 36 the fiance? If so then I would be very leery. My experience is older men prey on younger women and that could be what is going on. You pick this up and that is why you feel this is wrong.

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    If u and ur current guy are engaged, why would u plan the wedding to be a whole 2 yrs in the future??? From my experience and what I've seen, it's usually a bad sign to get engaged without committing to getting married SOON, like within the next 1 yr. Engagements with no real wedding plans in the near future that I've seen are doomed to fail and usually do. Mebbe u guys set the wedding back far enough becuz 1 or both of u arnt realy ready to be married but want to appease the other and/or family & friends??


    Also. The kid issue I can see u losing interest in him over. He said he doesn't want kids. U said ur ok with his immaturity, but r u actually ok with not having kids?...also, r u ok with the good chance that if he's not mature enough for kids now, he might NEVER be? IMO if a guy is over 35 he should know for sure if he ever wants kids and if not then he'll never want them. Kelly is rite bout older guys, some go after young girls and also, some do this becuz they don't want mature things like kids that most girls there own age want it they don't yet have them. If u want kids at all someday, I can see where this aspect of him would be a big turnoff.

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    Default Re: Help another relationship issue...

    i want kids 100%.

    i love him and think maybe hes saying this for the sake of it. who knows. he said he may change his mind, and if its what I want then ok. but i want HIM to want it.

    the new guy is new i understand this, but has already spoken about how he'd work hard every day to keep me happy. that i can turn his house into our house - make a home of it. hes older too but having been through a divorce know what he want in life. a loving wife - not another gold digger wife. kids....not a woman who dislikes them. a woman who offers to pay (even if he doesnt accept) not ask for the money for a chocolate bar!!

    i feel bad about leaving my fiance. i wonder if im doing the right thing. weve spent so long together. getting to know each other and starting that again frightens me. the fact that weve built our new house together and leaving him, id worry about him sat in that big beautiful house all on his own, remembering me.

    i always take the pain on myself. not sure why. suppose its easier than hurting someone else.

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