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Thread: Friend is upset that her musician boyfriend is obsessed with, well, all things music

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    Featured Member Fawn's Avatar
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    Default Friend is upset that her musician boyfriend is obsessed with, well, all things music

    My good friend is dating a musician, and she's upset that he's obsessed with all things music.

    I just got bithced out for telling her if she's not willing to accept that music is his passion- he has played various instruments since age 7, is currently in several different bands at once, his getting his phd in it, takes vacations based around where he can see/ and possibly learn different styles/subgenres of it, and he hangs out with a ton of other like minded musicians- that she should GTFO.

    I undertsand it can be frusterating. My own dad is a 63 year old musician who never gave up his dream of being a rock star. But, it's his passion. It's not on the table for negotiation. Am I a bitch for telling her this? WTF? Why the fuck is she so mad at ME now?

    How would you feel if all your SO did was bitch and moan and give ultimatums for you to give up your passion?
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    God/dess BlkSharpie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friend is upset that her musician boyfriend is obsessed with, well, all things mu

    How would I feel? Id feel like a musician lol! I venture to guess on some levels they are just used to it. As my ex said when we first started dating..his passion for music and what he puts into his work is the #1 reason his relationships have broken up (he failed to mention the #2 reason was him cheating, but I digress..lol!)

    When someone has been a musician for a long time, when its thier career and passion, its a lot different than the guys who play for kicks and its a side thing that they can put down at any time. When I met my ex, I figured it out from the get go that if I was going to be with him, I would have to accept I would come after his music. And I was fine with that, I have my own life going on lol Plus, a guy with a strong passion for something (other than sex!) is a huge turn on for me...Im very attracted to that and would lose interest if a guy decided he didnt feel like it anymore...whatever "it" is. Ive seen other band girlfriends come and go over this "its me or your music" thing...it usually doesnt end up in the girls favour. Ive seen guys get divorced over it..after a girl figured, okay were married and have kids now...time to hang up that guitar. No dice.

    If she cant handle him for who he is, and appreciate/support something that means so much to him...especially as its not just some hobby or side thing, hes been doing this since childhood....then she needs to get a grip and let him go to someone who will accept this as a part of who he is.

    Or..she can hope and dream and nag...maybe that method will work for her in a way it hasnt for the many women before her in this exact same situation...who knows!

    Oh, as to you...I would suggest since you know shes all touchy about this and going to lash out at you for not just agreeing with her or giving her hope on this...to just not say anything at all. Be a friend and listen when she goes off about it, but keep your thoughts to yourself. Cause you know what one really never knows...maybe he will bend and do what she wants...or maybe he wont and their relationship doesnt last. Either way...just be a friend, be her sounding board and keep your opinions to yourself...Ive seen friendships break up over this (my own with my best friend and her jerk good for nothing bf nearly did for example) I still cant stand him, but Id rather keep my lip zipped and be there for her than end up in a brawl and lose her over some guy.
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    Default Re: Friend is upset that her musician boyfriend is obsessed with, well, all things mu

    No you're not a bitch for saying it. She needs to hear it because if she wants a future with this guy not only is she going to have to accept this, it's going to have to be something she enjoys as well. My ex-husband toured the world for years. When he was home he was in the studio. Not that I wasn't a priority but I also understood the kind of work and dedication it takes. My current is no different. Currently touring the east coast, cutting another album, constantly working shit with the band. Either you accept it for what it is or you move on.
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    Default Re: Friend is upset that her musician boyfriend is obsessed with, well, all things mu

    I agree with JayATee. You spoke your mind on it and are right. I'm sorry you got bitched out for it. Giving your SO an ultimatum isn't a good idea, usually that person giving it will not win.

    I'm glad he gets to follow his passion. I've been in his shoes with my own passion. I train my own dogs for competitive obedience, rally obedience, and agility. I've got 2 Pugs and an American Staffordshire/Pit Bull Terrier. My oldest Pug is nationally ranked for his scores in one of the levels. He's probably also the only Pug in my state at the moment that is titled in obedience, rally, and agility. My eventual goal is to become an obedience and rally judge which will take me all over the US. There are so many requirements that I have to fulfill to earn my judging status that I'll have to work my butt off. I don't have to have a degree but I do have to earn several different titles and have shown for at least 7 years on top of trial judging. It's a long process but well worth it in the end.

    Anyway back to what I'm trying to get at. I've been given ultimatums many times of "it's me or the dogs" by the guy I've dated on and off for years and every time he loses. I don't hear so much of it now but he does get pissy. He's gotten pissy in the past when I was leaving to go to an out of town show and he got mad because I wouldn't stay home with him. He lost every battle he threw out there regarding my dogs.

    She wants to change him...not gonna happen. She's the bitch in this situation. She can make all the ultimatums she wants but in the end he wins and she'll be single. She needs to love him for who he is and if not, needs to leave and find someone else who can make her happy. He doesn't need the stress of her in his life.

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    Default Re: Friend is upset that her musician boyfriend is obsessed with, well, all things mu

    ^^ JayATee is spot on.,

    I'm married to a rock guitarist who has been active in music since he was 9 years old. We've been married for 23 years - and it's only this year - when he has finally admitted his heath isn't what it was - that he has stopped touring. Up until now - he has recorded and toured constantly, and I have often spent close to 4 or 5 months a year on my own.

    However, it was my choice and I accepted that his music would be an all consuming passion to begin with - and then after he got his breaks - it would be less passion perhaps - but still a physically and emotionally exhausting full-time job, that would take him all over the World. Luckily - I've been able to go with him on many occasions - but I have still spent many, many lonely nights at home with my cats and a bottle of bourbon.

    What I will say though - is that being in a relationship with a musician (much the same as a stage actor), is just about the wildest ride and most fulfilling time you could have in life - and the 'Ups' are far more numerous than the 'Downs'.........
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    Default Re: Friend is upset that her musician boyfriend is obsessed with, well, all things mu

    My bf is a musician as well. He spends a lot of his time working on his music (along with working full time at a completely unrelated job). But he still finds time for me. Luckily I like the music he's into (most of it) so I don't mind that we're always out listening to music and stuff. I enjoy it, but differently than him.

    He works on music like three nights a week. On most weekends, we go out and listen to music. That's how it goes. I don't mind. In fact, I'm glad we can do things that benefit him! I know it is his goal and dream and why give them up? No way! I want him to do what makes HIM happy. He doesn't mind (in fact he supports) my pics/videos/camming.

    He's had exes that didn't support him. That gave him ultimatums. They are exes though for a reason!
    InnesX

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