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Thread: Feel like a stereotype :-(

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    Default Feel like a stereotype :-(

    I've always been against the stereo types ppl put forward to strippers.
    I now however fear ive become one in that catagory in a small way.

    I realised in the last 3 months, i know it sounds silly, but i was ignorant to it before, but i WAS in fact sexually abused as a child, my EX took all my money, but made it look like he was helping me (pimp maybe? he did like given me "talks" on how to make more money and telling me i should let guys do things to me, which i never let happen) I started drinking at work and being a total piss head. I'm emotionaly messed up, and do have insecurity issues.

    I have not however done drugs or extras, altho if it wasnt for my new bf, drugs mighta happened at some point, coz i did turn to the bottle, who's to say i wouldnt turn to drugs? always said id never turn to drink and i did. I actually put myself off my fave drink (ameretta) by drinking an entire bottle stright after work one night in the space of an hour, (previous to drinking, 1 bottle of WKD got me drunk, thats how lil i drank) i was talking to the corner of my room, shouting abuse at my ex who i thought i could see sat there.

    Ive stopped drinking at work, but still do after work on sats, somtimes fridays too.

    I think im just having a personal melt down, ive tried to hide it now tho, ive got to the point where ive shoved it to the darkest corner of my mind, i dont wanna keep putting my bf through my moods and break downs. I dont wanna lose him, he's put up with enough from me so far.
    I know it will come out again at some point, but i dunno, i want it to go away, but im ashamed to go into details, and i dont wanna be judged for somthing i know isnt my fault, but cant help feel responsable for. Its all in bits.

    I cant help feel that ive let the stripper world down by turning out to be a stereo type when ive fought people on it so often!!! I also cant belive i never realised so many things before. My world just crashed when things started fallin into place about my past.

    I have supporting people around me, but no one who really understands. i feel like i have to keep it quiet now not to annoy anyone, and ive told everyone im fine now and its all over, my heads fine etc, but in reality its not. I dont know what to do, i dont wanna irritate anyone.

    Just venting.

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    God/dess 4everresolutions's Avatar
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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    Aw, I'm sorry you're feeling this way love.

    When it comes to the stripper stereotype: I fit the mold too. Truth is, stereotypes are there for a reason. People make light of them, and poke fun because they don't realize how suffocating it is to be grouped into a category, and feel like you're helpless to deal with it all.

    But stripping, and the things that have happened to you in the past DO NOT define YOU, as a person. Maybe you were abused as a kid. And your ex used you and your money. That doesn't mean you're worth less as an exotic dancer or as a human being because you fit into some cheesy life-time movie projection of what a "Stripper" is.

    You're sacrificing your well-being by attempting to keep all your emotions undercover and not inconveniencing anyone else with your troubles; but if you keep it up you're going to feel more and more lost and listless. Can you try to talk to anyone? A therapist? A counselor? Doctor? It might help to open up.

    Hugs to you doll! XOOX



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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    Even if u cant afford therapy at the moment is there anyone u can trust enough to confide in? Sometimes talking things through with someone who genuinely loves u and who wont judge is what a person needs. You appear to have nowhere to turn. Ive been there before. U have got to reach out to a source that u can trust. And if u dont have that immediately then perhaps u can try to make friendships w new people. You just have to feel them out well. Theres nothing worse than confiding n a d-bag or bitch who will just judge u or who cant understand u. That does no good.

    It took me a while but as cliche as it may sound u have to love urself. And with that comes forgiving urself for past mistakes etc. I had to go through some truly truly tough times and I had to process alot of difficult shit from my past etc. I now have 1 or 2 people I can go to with anything just about. But I had to look hard to find these people.

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    ^Actually it is more like 2-4 people I can turn to even though I know alot of people(like most people).

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    It seems like the real problem is that you're so stressed out and feel like you're drinking too much, and it's putting pressure on your relationship. Who cares if you fit a stereotype? The people who are going to judge you can fuck off. Like someone else said, being a stripper does not define you. You're a whole person, and maybe you have a colorful past, but that's the past... You can always change your future.

    If you feel like you're drinking too much, trust your instincts and tone it down. Especially if you're stressed out and having a meltdown... It will only make things worse.

    Have you thought about trying therapy? Having a professional to talk to, someone you can trust other than your boyfriend or friends who might not understand, could be helpful. I know it's not easy to divulge all your problems and worries to your friends, and sometimes even when you do, it doesn't really help. I think counseling can be a huge help when you're dealing with something that complex and emotional.

    Anyway don't be so hard on yourself! You're not letting anyone down. Hugs!!!

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    I think as long as you are feeling like you don't want to be a certain stereotype, you will never actually be that stereotype. You've had issues - who hasn't? Many women, strippers or otherwise, have been abused - many women, strippers or not, have been with shitty boyfriends. I also have insecurity issues, and dancing makes me feel good about myself. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so. Many people are insecure, and doing something sexy can make you feel good about yourself. Most insecure people walk around being jackasses because they have no other outlet. Do you feel like these things are the reason you turned to stripping? Even if they are, are they the reason you keep stripping? These things do not define you or your other choices in life. You can have these things in your past and still be a mentally sane, healthy stripper. You will never get rid of all your issues - no one does. That doesn't mean you are a "typical stripper" - it means you are human.

    There are many strippers that fit the stripper stereotype - personally, I think there are just as many non-strippers that would fit the stripper stereotype perfectly as well. They just happen to not be strippers. It's good that you've stopped drinking at work. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a few drinks after work on the weekends. I mean, jeezus, how many people do that? Like, almost everyone? You don't have to swear off alcohol completely to try to fight a stereotype. Just keep it in moderation. Don't beat yourself up for your past. It happened, and you can move on from it rather than letting it define you.

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    I agree with Aurora. Unfortunately, many of the issues you describe are very common (though I don't mean to suggest that makes them less weighty). I know too many women who have experienced the trauma and repercussions you're going through now. You can't change your past, but that doesn't mean it dictates who you are or who you will become.

    Seeing a difference between who you are and who you want to be isn't a bad thing; it means you're self-aware and being honest with yourself. Don't worry about disappointing anyone because you think you fit a "stereotype." I agree that finding a good therapist could help a lot. I hate unloading my baggage on my friends because I've had so many awful people in my life that it makes me feel even more insecure when I do, and I guess knowing that someone is getting a tangible benefit from listening to my effed up life stories makes me feel a little better when I talk about them (which is a pretty warped way of looking at therapy, haha). Plus, therapists understand better than most that just because you talked about your problems once, doesn't mean you're all better after now and won't continue to be upset twenty minutes later, a fact that eluded many of my past confidants.

    If you can't afford therapy right now, I'm sure there are many people on the forums who would be glad to offer continued emotional support, even though it's from a distance.

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    Quote Originally Posted by tuesdaymarie View Post
    Plus, therapists understand better than most that just because you talked about your problems once, doesn't mean you're all better after now and won't continue to be upset twenty minutes later, a fact that eluded many of my past confidants.
    Just have to say thanks a million times for this. My friends never understood this. I stopped talking to some of them about my problems for this very reason. And then they got mad that I wouldn't tell them about my problems anymore. But, for some reason, a lot of people seem to think that the second you tell them a problem, and they give you whatever advice they may have, you're supposed to go "ok!" and be all smiles afterward, and they get mad if you still have the same issue the next day... It really might be better to go to a therapist.

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    ::sigh::

    I have been having the same feelings lately. I fit the mold very, very well.... sometimes I feel ashamed. What makes me feel better is trying to do more positive things in my life now. For example, I am going to school...I also try to be a very kind person to everyone...I try extremely hard not to judge others...

    When I know I am doing all I can to just be a good human being, It makes me feel alot better about my past and all the troubles Ive been through. I feel like I am looking at all the bad ive been through and saying "FUCK YOU colorfull past, mistakes, and stereotypes! I am a DAMN good person regardless!"

    ::hugs::

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    DominoDiva,

    I'm really sorry you feel this way. Nobody should feel the way you are feeling hun.

    I admit my past is colorful too...some things were my fault, others not. As well as I tried to fight the "stripper stereotype", and for a long time it felt like a losing battle. Truth is, I made changes I felt were necessary to make me happier (in my professional and personal life), as well as sought out a therapist. There's absolutely nothing wrong with not walking down an ideal path, or making mistakes. Those mistakes are what lead us to beautiful things, making us stronger women. A therapist can help. Not just that you can speak your mind, but a good therapist will help give you tools in how to cope with what you are feeling better. Helping you empower yourself. Just know you are not alone in what you are feeling.

    Is it hard to meet some people that may be understanding of our jobs, and the feelings that come as a result of it? It definitely can be. However, if it does help, looking at the responses to this post, you do have some support here in us if you need it hun <3

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    Thank you so much everyone, really, im almost in tears at how supportive you all are, and your all right, many people who aint strippers can go through the same tough situations and emotions. I had a good chat to my bf today, about how i feel and why i find it hard to tell him whats wrong with me, he reassured me that he's always gonna be around to help and support me, and genrally made me feel better. I'm making an appointment with my GP so i can get a referal to counselling, its free on the NHS, but i think they can only see you for so many months, anythin will be better than nothing, and i can always continue it by paying for it later, money isnt too much of an issue, just not as much of it to splash like there used to be, but im working on that.

    I bought myself a notebook to write down any feelings i need to express and thoughts, and genral stuff to get it out of my head, ive told my bf he can read it whenever he wants, coz i have nothing to hide from him and he's assured me i can trust him not to judge anything. I think it would also help him to understand the way im thinking and feeling atm.

    I do have one friend who i talk to, but i feel to awkward to tell her the entire truth about my past, and she has some problems of her own, which she shares with me, so she does understand where im coming from when i say people dont seem to get it, alot of people dont seem to be able to empathise, which leads them to thinking it should all be ok after a good cry an a chat. I know it will take time, just wish id of realised alot of things sooner, my brain seems to have a thing where it will just shut out things i dont feel good about or dont wanna rem, but it can only hold so much before bursting.

    I do have more good days than bad days now, where as before i was in hysterics almost every other day, so thats a good sign, and im glad of places like this to vent on, specially with so many supporting people who actually get what im tryin to say.

    I dance because i enjoy it, i wasn never drove to it by anything and its deffo one thing i dont regret and never will regret doin, the only thing im annoyed with is that i allowed my personal life to effect my work.

    Thank you again (^_^)
    *many hugs*

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    Most insecure people walk around being jackasses because they have no other outlet.


    Excellent, excellent statement..couldnt be more true. This sums up most of the people I come in contact with. Which is why I usually keep to myself and only carry on with a select few.
    Last edited by Optimist; 09-07-2011 at 06:03 AM.

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    Almost every female I know fits the "stripper stereotype," just maybe without the stripper part. Every female I know has been sexually abused at least once in her life, whether it was when she was a child or when she was older. Every female I know has ended up, sooner or later, in a relationship that could be considered emotional abusive at the very least, and most of them have been physically abused by a boyfriend. Most of these women (including me) began to abuse drugs and/or alcohol as a coping mechanism. Now, my substance abuse began and ended before I started stripping, but that's beside the point. I think it's not so much a "stripper stereotype" as a female statistic. There are a lot of nasty, cruel, manipulative, vindictive, violent people--men AND women--in this world, and chances are slim to none that we'll live our entire lives without ever coming across one of them.

    The key for me to getting out of my downward spiral was finally coming to terms with the fact that I would never have the answers to the questions about my abuse...mainly WHY. Why did he do that to me? Why did I let him? Why didn't people who knew what he was doing ever try to help me? These questions, especially the last one, ate me alive for a long time, and I became very bitter and angry and ended up cutting off about 95% of my friends for their actions (or lack thereof) both during and after my abusive relationship. I don't regret that. They all talked a big game about how they would kick a guy's ass if they ever saw him hit a female, but they saw my ex hit me and just ignored it. I can't really forget about that. And unfortunately, living through these experiences changes you permanently. But you just have to accept that, and become a survivor rather than a victim. It took me a long time to grasp this concept fully, and unfortunately, it's something you kind of have to discover on your own rather than it being told to you.

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    I didn't read all the responses, but the thing is--
    sexual abuse and controlling shit head boyfriends trying to use women are unfortunately a LOT more common than we normally think.

    As far as the drinking thing-- I see women at bars act like way huger lushes than most dancers.

    You have to figure out what you're going to do though-- you're seeing the direction you were going in, didn't like it and are slowly making one or two changes and you have to keep that foreward momentum going.

    But don't pin everything on your current boyfriend. You have to do these things for yourself because what happens if you two break up for whatever reason and suddenly your *reason* for improving yourself is going? You'll go back into the shitter double-time.

    Since your sexual abuse is so new to you, even if it was many years ago, you NEED to talk to someone. I would suggest some group therapy so you can sit there and listen to everyone talk even if you're not ready to talk yet yourself. Once you start to hear so many stories that remind you of your own, and how you dealt with it, you're going to stop feeling so isolated. And it should help seeing so many other people who've been in your situation to not feel like YOU did something wrong as a kid to deserve that. YOU didn't, no matter what you remember.

    And, of course, seeing people in various stages of coming to grips with their past and moving on can help you figure out HOW to get yourself together.

    It's not just the desire but all the support and seeing other people further along that's going to help you.

    And you need to be honest with your boyfriend as well. You can't hide stuff that you're going through. Otherwise you'll be like a little psycho teapot who has all this pressure building up and suddenly it's all out in the most inappropriate ways. If you can talk to him when you're starting to feel bad, or confused it will help nip that awful behavior (but natural) in the bud.

    I'm sorry you've got a bunch of shit in your past and are just starting to realize the magnitude of it.

    Regret, in terms of the ex and the drinking, is a bitch. But be proud of even the smallest improvements in your life. You're not defined by your past. You're defined by who you are each day and how you go about trying to be the best possible person you can be given the tools available.

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    ^^^^ i never thought of group therepy, that sounds like an option too, and would deffo make me feel more comfy talking to people who know exactly whats goin on in my head coz they are goin through or have gone through it too, ty for the suggestion .

    I have opened up to my bf, and it made me feel abit better, and im feeling a lil bit more loved by him since we chatted, which is good. but i guess ur right in saying i cant depend on him completly to move me forward, coz no matter what i want to think, lord knows he could get hit by a bus or summin, so yeah, i need to shove myself out and do things that i can do alone too. ty

    xx

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    Quote Originally Posted by firemaiden04 View Post
    I think it's not so much a "stripper stereotype" as a female statistic. There are a lot of nasty, cruel, manipulative, vindictive, violent people--men AND women--in this world, and chances are slim to none that we'll live our entire lives without ever coming across one of them.
    It's because we are society's scapegoats. Those statistics cover at least 25% of the population MALE and female. We are no different than the rest of society. Stripping is just a frickin' job that when done by a man is NEVER assumed to be vile or corrupting. No one goes to a bachlorette party and calls him names, demands sex, or assumes he's desperate or his life is in shambles. So don't worry about the stereotype. It's a setup to make you feel like shit for experiencing the same human condition of every body else on this earth. These people, like Lil' Wayne who's discussed his sexual abuse as a child, are quick to point the finger at strippers as being the ultimate damaged goods. We are their object of pity, hatred, abuse so they don't have to feel bad about themselves. This is still a patriarchal society and any woman who gets out of line will get this irrational treatment.

    (snip)
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scapegoating

    A medical definition of scapegoating is:[9]
    "Process in which the mechanisms of projection or displacement are utilised in focusing feelings of aggression, hostility, frustration, etc., upon another individual or group; the amount of blame being unwarranted." Scapegoating is a tactic often employed to characterize an entire group of individuals according to the unethical or immoral conduct of a small number of individuals belonging to that group, also known as guilt by association. (Stereotyping)
    Scapegoated groups throughout history have included almost every imaginable group of people: genders, religions, people of different races or nations, people with different political beliefs, or people differing in behaviour from the majority. However, scapegoating may also be applied to organizations, such as governments, corporations, or various political groups.(snip)
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    OK, sorry I skipped to the end so haven't read all the posts yet but there are a LOT of people who fit the 'stripper' stereotype who have never and will never be strippers. Please don't get down on yourself and think you're doomed or cursed.....Unfortunate things happen to all kinds of people from all walks of life and many people are still going through less than idyllic circumstances and may CONTINUE to do so, indefinitely. To see that there IS a problem, or even more than one, is the first thing that helps to get you out of the dreaded pigeonhole.

    For serious. **hugs and best wishes**

    Wishing you well!!!
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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    I was just about to say exactly what you did London.

    DominoD, dont at all feel like you fit into any type of sterotype...we are humans, things happen, and we end up in different paths of life, jobs, situations, etc. What I think you should concentrate on is the fact that you are self-aware.

    Dont take it as a negative that you happen to see certain things about yourself that you dont like, take it as a positive that you *are able* to see certain things about yourself, because that means you have the power to change it.
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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    Default Re: Feel like a stereotype :-(

    Domino, your not alone Don't ever feel that you are.... I have met some of the most beautiful, heart and soul women in this industry and most of us have been lead here by some type of hardship in our lives.
    Everyone has posted really great advice on here.
    But babe, really think about finding a good female therapist. They are hard to find so if you do go and see one and you don't feel they are right then move on to find another. I'm not sure how the health system works in the US but usually if you find a good clinic let them know briefly about your problems so they can choose the right therapist for you. It took me while but I found a great female psychologist that was just brilliant and really helped me to move on.
    You will get through this xx
    Last edited by Gracefulways; 12-21-2011 at 10:53 PM.
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