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Thread: I think I have anger issues

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    God/dess Smurfette's Avatar
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    Default I think I have anger issues

    I'm generally a happy person and most of the time I'm very laid back. I'm all about chillin'... live and let live, I'm not neurotic or high-strung at all, and stress doesn't usually affect me the same way it affects others.

    HOWEVER, there is another side of me that occasionally emerges. I'm totally fine until something/someone pushes my buttons and then I pretty much EXPLODE into a raging fireball of anger for a few minutes and then I'm fine again.

    Take this morning... I was in a decent mood, putting on makeup to go on webcam, when my 3-year-old asked me to put in a DVD. So I did, and for the next few minutes he kept running out to come get me, first he wanted to show me a preview for a movie that he likes, then he wanted me to press "play" on the menu screen, except instead of the movie, he wanted to watch the special features.

    I looked around for his remote and didn't see it anywhere. I knew it was in his room somewhere, as he likes to play with it like it's one of his toys. I told him to look for it, but he just stood there. I started walking out of the room and he whined. I yelled at him to look for the remote, that I don't have time to look for it. Still, he just stood there.

    At that point I snapped and started stomping around his room, throwing his blankets off his bed and tossing toys around looking for it while simultaneously yelling loudly at him and I'm pretty sure I slipped a curse word in there too. My husband walked in with a look on his face. I just walked out and then felt extremely bad.

    Obviously, that's not an appropriate way to react to the situation or to behave around a young child. It's not even something to get mad about. I don't know why I reacted the way I did. Sometimes I feel like something just grabs ahold of me beyond my control, like I get 'possessed' by a demon.

    Normally with my son I'm very loving and patient and I tolerate a lot of stuff that my husband doesn't. I'm the good cop, he's the bad cop kind of thing. But when I'm pushed to the edge (which admittedly doesn't take much), I just go off and start yelling and screaming and even throwing stuff around. It has NOTHING to do with discipline, it's only for me to get my frustrations out. I'm afraid my son sees this and then thinks it's okay to have temper tantrums.

    There have been times in the past when I've been drunk and hit or pushed my husband during arguments. I feel like I get to a point where I don't know what ELSE to do besides react violently. He's never fought back fortunately. There have also been times where I've been sober during fights and I don't hit him, but I do hit the wall or throw something. It always makes me feel REALLY bad afterwards. I feel like, if I were a man and my husband were a woman I'd be considered abusive and he'd probably be afraid of me.

    Anyone else experience anger issues and if so, how do/did you deal with it? I really hate behaving this way especially around my son. It makes me feel like shit.

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    Featured Member Natalllia's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I have anger issues

    I tend to lash out at the people I love most when there is something else going on with me - namely, when I am deeply unhappy with myself or going through a depression.

    This doesn't make you a bad person, but it is a good thing that you recognize this in yourself and are seeking ways to change it. I strongly suggest that you start out by making an appointment with a therapist or counselor. There is almost certainly some reason why you are experiencing these kinds of "blow ups". The guilt you feel after lashing out at your family can't be helping your state of mind, so it can turn into a kind of self-perpetuating cycle: you lash out, feel bad about yourself because of it, which in turn causes you to lash out again. (This has been my personal experience).

    Your husband and son don't deserve this, but more importantly, YOU deserve better. I think that through counseling, you can figure out how to be a happier person, and this will naturally translate to showing more patience and having a "longer fuse" when it comes to these types of situations.

    I wish you the best!
    "I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them"
    - Mae West

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    Default Re: I think I have anger issues

    Thanks! Yeah, I think I may look into therapy.

    I don't *feel* depressed... but I think deep down maybe I am. There are a lot of aspects of my life that I'm deeply unsatisfied with. I'm very happy with my family and I generally feel good and optimistic about life but there's a lot I need to change and improve on.

    The weird part is that I usually don't flip out when "major" things happen... like a fight with my mom, or the rent being late, etc... but then I'll overcook my eggs or can't get bars on my cell phone and I'll fly into a rage.

    Basically, I'm calm when bigger problems happen but instead I'll cry over spilled milk.

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    Featured Member Natalllia's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I have anger issues

    Yeah, I'm the same way. It's like, when something major comes along I go into cool-as-a-cucumber problem solving mode, but if I can't find my bra and am trying to get out the door in time for a class (for example), I lose my shit.

    Also, depression doesn't always manifest as feeling mopey and sad all the time. Sometimes it shows itself in more tempermental ways. Even if you are not clinically depressed, I don't see how therapy can do anything but help. I think EVERYONE could benefit from at least a session or two.

    But I definitely think that once you really start to take care of you, the rest will follow.
    "I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them"
    - Mae West

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    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I have anger issues

    The fact that you recognize this is half the problem...

    After this happens, sit down with your son and apologize and let him know that it isnt him, its you. Explain it to him(almost like he was an adult) then give him a hug and tell him you love him.

    What he sees is his mommy going apeshit and he doesnt know why, except that it is his fault.

    I would say that losing your mind once in a while when you have young kids is pretty normal, but your situation seems to go beyond that a little. Probably would help to talk to someone and get some help managing your anger.


    .....also...try not to get into arguments with your SO when one or both of you are drinking

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    Default Re: I think I have anger issues

    Quote Originally Posted by lemiwinks31 View Post
    The fact that you recognize this is half the problem...

    After this happens, sit down with your son and apologize and let him know that it isnt him, its you. Explain it to him(almost like he was an adult) then give him a hug and tell him you love him.

    What he sees is his mommy going apeshit and he doesnt know why, except that it is his fault.
    Yeah, I always do this. He doesn't seem to get upset over my outbursts, in fact he usually just ignores me. Which might actually be worse overall because it means he's *used* to seeing me act like that.

    .....also...try not to get into arguments with your SO when one or both of you are drinking
    Definitely! We haven't drank in months as I'm pregnant and my SO has more or less quit. We never intend to fight when we're drinking but we both get very talkative and then we start 'debating' things... sometimes it gets heated and before I know it, we're in the middle of a fight. I honestly couldn't tell you what ANY of our drunken fights have even been about, lol. But I do remember confronting him physically on more than one occasion.

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    Featured Member FiendishGyrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I have anger issues

    It also sounds like it's repetition that's screwing you up--
    Your kid likes to play with the remote. Figure out ways to train him not to do that.
    More importantly, when it's lost-- it's his job to find it. Not yours (assuming he's like five or six and can understand the task.) You need to be able to step back, ignore his whining, and let him do things for himself.

    Though I do not have a kid and am only setting up a house now with my significant other, I can see a lot in my self and in my family's women in this book:
    http://www.amazon.com/Bitch-House-So...5091714&sr=8-1

    It talks about how we as women get so angry about having do so much around the house, but then again, we're afraid to relinquish control because of what it says about us as wives and mothers-- that we can't be the super wife or the super mom. So, it's not so much the anger (which I can appreciate because your son wasn't listening) but it's about training our family and ourselves to work together, and also relinquishing control so that they don't have to depend on you for everything-- continually aggravating yourself and putting yourself in the martyr roll when you're not going apeshit.

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    Default Re: I think I have anger issues

    As far as the physical altercation aspect of it, well-- you're following patterns that you know-- you're not drinking now, will you start up again? Do you need to set a timer and stick with it for how long you're able to "debate" with your partner before ya'll are forced to different corners-- like to go take a bath or something while he goes for a walk or goes and watches tv.

    You recognize what you want to change, AND you see the patterns-- this isn't meant to sound derogatory, but we're all animals at heart. How would you train a dog to do or not do something?

    And worst case scenario, tell your hubby that you're trying to not be abusive and you need his help. If he has the capability to do so, tell him that he has your permission to throw a blanket around you (not your head) and/or pin your arms and to hold you like that until you've calmed down. If that's what it's going to take to avoid regret, ask him to help you by doing this!
    I know my SO has had to force me to cuddle for two minutes and be quiet when I was bitching and working myself up because I was just generally anxious.

    Going back to the dog thing-- the easiest thing is to not put yourself into the same scenario setting yourself up for failure, i.e. drinking. If you can't avoid that after the pregnancy, cap the number of drinks, or one of you has to stay "more sober" than the other one.

    Counseling would certainly help (for example, what were your parents like? Did they do stuff like this? Are you identifying more with one parent than the other? What are/were his parents like and how is he identifying with or reacting against the parent/relationship model he had?) An anger support forum would also help. And, I also find yoga or exercise helps because either a) you can focus on your breath and count to ten in a way SO much more effective than if you just did it without the yoga, and b) if you're more physically worn out, you're less likely to indulge in *certain* bad behaviors.

    Furthermore, and this isn't to beat yourself up at all, but rather to think constructively, what kind of relationship model is this going to offer for your son and what type of woman do you think he might gravitate towards based on your example of what a "normal" parent/wife acts like to him? Keeping this in mind and making small daily changes, and most importantly asking for help, will set you on a good path. And don't be afraid to ask yourself on a daily basis for awhile and then a weekly basis, what changes have I made, how is this working for me, can I see myself continuing in this positive direction and if not, what do I need to change in order to keep making progress?

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    God/dess princessjas's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I have anger issues

    The positive thing is your son is young and if you change now he wont remember this side of you. Also, dont beat yourself up if you only occassionaly lose it. Every parent occassionally flips, it is part of the gig.

    I suspect from your post it is more than a rare occurance from time to time, which is still ok. Recognizing a problem is at least 50% of fixing it! Just admitting to yourself it is a problem will make it a LOT easier to control Id bet. Now just get the help you need. Maybe counceling and looking into anger management tips?

    Wishing you and your baby the best and a calm, serene life!
    "I hear you calling and it's needles and pins. I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name...You're poision. but I don't wanna break these chains.... I wanna love you but I'd better not touch."

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    Default Re: I think I have anger issues

    Thanks everyone! FiendishGyrator, you should like a therapist yourself. I appreciate the advice.

    Last night I "blew up" again, although not really. The gravy I was making wouldn't thicken so I got mad and cursed about it...lol. anyway that led my husband to get upset with me and we talked about my anger issues. We both agree that it's a problem that will only get more serious if it's left alone, and neither of us want our son watching me taking out my anger and having "fits", nor the two of us fighting in front of him. We don't want him growing up thinking it's normal behaving in that way.

    Besides therapy which I'll look into, the only thing I can really do is attempt to be conscious of my actions and recognize when I'm starting to get angry, and prevent it before it happens especially if my son or husband is around me.

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    Veteran Member Aslinn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think I have anger issues

    Wait? Didn't you say you were currently pregnant? Have you considered just being PREGNANT not having deep problems? I think all you need is a few good coping methods and you and your husband to relise this pregnancymight just be different from the last and cut you a break. And also I don't think getting in arguments when your drunk is caused to worry, that just seems to be an effect of drinking happens to lots of people. My advice chill out take a breath and have your dh handle helping when you feel yourself boiling over.

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