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Thread: Manipulative relationships

  1. #1
    Moderator Jessie_tinydancer's Avatar
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    Default Manipulative relationships

    For those who have or have been with a manipulative partner... did you know they were manipulating you? What were the signs or any examples? What did you do when you figured it out? Could you still make it work? Sometimes I think my partner is manipulating me but of course if I said that (or if he read this) he would freak and act like Im the one hurting him. - but I think that in itself is a form of manipulation? Im not really sure...

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    Featured Member Laurisa's Avatar
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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    Generally speaking, manipulation is a means to attain what you want through another person without them being keen to your plans. It is another form of schmoozing, blind sighting, and conning in my opinion.
    If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.


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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    Can't say I've been in that situation myself, but I watched my friend go through a horrible relationship with a manipulative guy, and all I can say is -- trust your instincts. If you think he'd manipulating you, he probably is, and that's honestly NOT part of a healthy relationship. The biggest sign I noticed in her relationship was lying... about everything, even little things that didn't matter. He did a lot of fucked up things and, when eventually caught, he would press her buttons to make her feel like it was her fault, to feel guilty, and to feel like he was a good person that couldn't help going astray. He was also really controlling of everything she did. And he never seemed to feel genuinely sorry or guilty. Watched all this play out because they were my roommates for six months. Yikes...

    Not sure what kind of manipulation you're talking about, maybe give more detail of what happened? My friend couldn't work out her situation, but you never know. Personally I'd find it hard to trust & stay with someone that I thought was doing that to me... that's a huge issue. : \

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    Moderator Jessie_tinydancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    hmmm off the top of my head I can't think of that many examples. He definitely is not a lair. I probably tell many more white lies than he does. I guess he just uses guilt a lot to get me to do what he wants. For example he doesn't like it when I go out with certain friends (mostly ones he doesn't like cause he thinks they are boring aka - didn't meet them in the swinging scene). So he might act emotionally withdrawn or when I ask if I can go (yes I have to ask which I think is BS in itself) I can tell he doesn't want me too and then will get upset saying its not fair I leave him alone all the time - I only work 2 days a week! Ill try and think of more examples but I guess I wanted to hear some examples to trigger my memory (Im not one to hold a grudge or hold onto things).

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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    ^^ Yes, guilt-trips are WAY manipulative! My first bf was like this. Used the guilt-trips like a champ to make me stop doing things he didn't want me to do, or do things I didn't want to do, or to make me feel like something that was his fault or no one's fault was somehow dramatically MY fault... (he once convinced me that him crashing his car into a tree while I wasn't even IN the car was somehow my fault...) Now that I look back on it, it's like "wtf? how could I allow that to happen?" I honestly didn't realize it at the time. I didn't realize it until about a year after we broke up. All I knew when I broke up with him was that I just absolutely could not be around him anymore. I didn't know why at the time, I just knew that I had to get away from him.

    Trust your gut. Having to ask for permission to go out, trying to get you to stop seeing certain friends and making you feel guilty if you leave him alone are like top things on any "controlling bf warning signs" list. Guilt is a major manipulative tool. My parents used it on me forever, my first bf used it on me all the time, and my second bf attempted to use it on me a little. Nowadays, I'm pretty much immune to guilt-trips because I realized how shady and manipulative they are, so I instantly shut down the second someone starts in.

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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    My ex was always telling me that all his friends (or even our mutual friends) didn't like me anymore and had banned me from coming over to their homes. My ex claimed that he tried to convince them that I wasn't a bad person, but it never worked, so I just had to stay home when he went out. It wasn't until the relationship had started to seriously deteriorate that I found out, from all of those people, that it was KYLE who had been saying all the nasty things about me, and he had been cheating on me with girls at these parties because he didn't have to worry about me showing up. I was angry--not just at Kyle, but at these so-called "friends," because they totally knew my phone number and where I lived, and nobody decided to clue me in to these numerous affairs until well after we were broken up. Hell, this was over four years ago, and I'll still occasionally run into someone who has some story to tell me about Kyle and some girl from back when we were dating. I ended up cutting off about 95% of those "friends," and I've never looked back.

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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    Yes, two of them and they all had the same characteristics as I look back. For instance both guys were over 10 years older and thought they knew more than me and let me know it.

    In both cases it started slowly, to drag me in. Both started complimenting me and buying me gifts. Once I was hooked, the problems started. I was never thin enough or whatever else they wanted. No matter what I did it was never good enough. The one was a short thing (few months)but the other lasted on an off a few years and involved moving in with him. It became destructive and at times I felt like a little kid who could never please a parents. The one would find things to nit pick about like buying wrong soap or not folding towels a certain way. He even refused to go to the drugstore across the street when I had a severe ear infection and fever so I had to, and on top of it he ordered me to buy beer when I was there (he was an alcoholic).

    The signs I picked up are these were older men who started heavy wooing right away. Ever since them I avoid men much older and when I see much older men wanting younger I assume they want to control her (and they usually do). Also, pushing the relationship to go too fast is also a sign I've picked up.

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    God/dess Trem's Avatar
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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    Yes, of course he is manipulating you. When he has got you doing things like asking for permission before you see your friends and acting like it's the most normal thing in the world that is a clear sign that you've been manipulated into following his world view.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    ^ Yeah, I agree with Trem...and I think that if you're even having to ask this question, you probably already know the answer.

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    Moderator Jessie_tinydancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    Well he doesn't do anything horrible like not getting me meds or blaming me for weird stuff, but he def uses guilt. My mother has also used this tactic my whole life and I hate it. Is asking to go out really abnormal? I would expect him to ask me. We live together and are married. Im talking going out till like 6am partying. If he wanted to do that I'd expect him to ask (of course I'd say yes and wouldn't make him feel bad about it). I'm not justifying here I'm seriously asking for support and advice. His behavior doesn't stop me from doing things, I just feel bad about about doing certain things when I know I shouldn't. He's never done something mean, never even swore at me or yelled at me. Doesn't make me feel dumb - he's the one that encouraged me to become a vet. But I just feel like I'm always walking on eggshells cause he's so sensitive. Maybe that's the problem, overly sensitive? I donno...

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    Moderator Jessie_tinydancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    Ps I'm not trying to be annoying I'm seriously confused lol

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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    Of course you are confused, that's what manipulation does. If he just forced you to do what he wanted it would just be abuse, he has you convinced that everything he does is normal and proper.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Veteran Member Kalypso's Avatar
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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    Are you kidding? You don't HAVE to ask him to do anything. You're a grown ass woman! TELL him "Hey babe, I'm going to this place with these people. I'll be home by this time." He'll be okay.
    Bitch? Actually I'm an evil cunt. Slut? Try dirty little whore. Either way, you have to pay for it.

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    Moderator Jessie_tinydancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    Are you married Trem? If you were u wouldnt care if ur wife went out all night a few times a month? I'm curious I'm the only person I know whose married and does that. So is it cause the women just would rather stay at home or they know their husbands would be unimpressed. Most the time I invite mine but he doesn't go unless it's people he likes.

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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    There is nothing at all unusual about going out a few times a month. Edit: i am not married, but most of my male and female friends are.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    God/dess 4everresolutions's Avatar
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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    Jessie, my ex and I were together for 5 years, and towards the end I started feeling like I 'should' ask him whether or not he minds if I went out without him. His response? "Honey, you never need to ask me anything. I'd like to know if you're planning on going out - for safety sake. But you don't need my permission, you know that". I felt guilt for leaving him home without me, but he never had an issue with me going out on my own.

    Letting your partner know if you'll be home or not is considerate, but you should never have to ask (unless you two had previously made plans with eachother).

    Sounds like you're being controlled/manipulated to some degree - not sure if it's intentional or unintentional on his part.



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    Moderator Jessie_tinydancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    I appreciate your input guys. I'm gonna keep my eye on this. I'm a really strong minded, confident person but I'll also do anything for people I care about - friends, family, partner. I've been told I can be "too nice" sometimes but I can also be a total bitch (I'm Gemini lol) so I guess when I'm being nice I could be easily taken advantage of. I'll definitely try and be more aware of situations when I think this is happening and talk to him about it. If he doesn't wanna hear it I'll know what's going on. If he listens to me and realizes his behavior is not normal that would be the best outcome. I'll keep you posted when I get a chance to confront it. I think it has to be in the moment not bringing up the past. If anyone else has something to share still, please do. This is not an issue I can solve overnight. I believe marriage is forever so I don't just run away from issues, I work on them.

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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    I usually hate going anywhere without my husband (I'd rather hang out with him than anyone else), but if I go out I usually give him the names and numbers of the people I'm going with, along with a general idea of where I'm going and he's fine with it.

    So yeah... Your husband is being a bit of a shit. You need to talk to him about this before you start resenting him.

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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    You can start by not asking for his permission when you do normal things like hang out with your friends.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    ^ I think I get your point. I was asking advice. Btw your responses are very condescending...are u a manipulator yourself or just rude in general? I'm an intelligent person. Thanks I get it.

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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    You are right, that does sound condescending. You read thread after thread after thread that basically boils down to "my obviously asshole bf/husband is doing obviously asshole things" and it kinda gets old repeating the same things over and over again. My apologies, you are not one of the worst offenders by far.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    ^ that's ok... Ya it wasn't obvious to me that's why I asked. But I get where you are coming from but ya I don't think he fits into that category... He's got a university degree, is a manager, makes good money, doesn't cheat, doesn't lie, doesn't drink or whatever, cooks, cleans if I tell him, pays my rent and car... He's not and asshole douche but he definitely has control issues and I want to figure it out before it's too late and suddenly I've lost all control. I do appreciate everyone's feedback, I'm being serious when I say it helps to read others opinions. I can test this soon. I've got a night out coming up in 2 weeks so I'll try the telling way and see what happens. Knowing what he's like the reaction will prob depend on his mood, but I'll let you all know.

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    Veteran Member sweetsam's Avatar
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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    He sounds a lot like my ex whom I just broke up with recently. All of the good qualities that is. What is his nationality? Just curious sometimes how a person was raised or there cultural background has a lot to do with why they are the way they are. My ex wasn't controlling so to speak, but at times if he felt my dress was too short, or my skirt too short, he would tell me to change. I guess he wanted me to be safe especially when I was going out alone to run an errand. He also didn't like me going out but he would never stop me. He would just say things, like for example I went out the other night, (he still lives here till the end of the month), and when I told him the club I was going too, he was like, "Oh that club is ghetto, and are you sure your going to be able to drive back home alright" and just gave me a look when I was leaving and said be careful. But I could tell by looking at his face he didn't want me to go, and when there were times I wanted to go out, it's not like I couldn't but he was just overly cautious about my well being/and or controlling the situation. Maybe because he knew when from our first date that I was a web cam model and maybe that made him insecure, I don't know. I had even became friends with his girl cousin for a short while, and he didn't want me to hang out with her because she was just a "party girl, still living at home, and going from job to job". He let me hang out with her a few times and we went out to nightclubs, but then he just said I shouldn't be hanging out with her. So I stopped hanging out with her. Another friend of mine even and her husband we all used to hang out the four of us, and last year I went on a trip to see my Dad out of the country, and when I came back he had went to their house to hang out, I had encouraged it, and he he didn't think she was a good friend, and that she had told him that she could hook him up with someone else. Granted I could believe it, because this is the type of person she is, but I wouldn't expect her to say it to him, while we were still together, I thought it was kind of fucked up. I haven't hung out with her in months since he told me what she said and I haven't told her why, as to not stir up drama. Mind you I have known this girl since elementary school. I think at the end of the day he probably just wants the best for me. Maybe. He completely disagreed with the camming lifestyle, and I had stopped just for him, but it put me financially in a rut, and I just decided to look at the relationship as a WHOLE. Yes we got a long great, and he did all of these great things, but there were things that were completely lacking. While we were dating we went months without having sex. That kind of irritated me. Granted he does work 12 hour shifts Monday- Friday, he has to be to work starting at 3am (truck driver) and he has a very physical job. But then it's like on the weekends, when my kids are with their father, he would go surfing, which is like his second "job" lol and still would be too tired to have sex. And no he wasn't cheating. I don't know if he lost the chemistry with me, or what, but I feel like, sex isn't that big of a deal to me, I don't get crazy without it, but going MONTHS kind of made me feel like shit. Like what's wrong with me, why isn't he attracted to me anymore, what is it. It was messing with me. Then I looked at things like what do we have in common, (really nothing) what are our goals, does he want kids? (yes) do I want kids ( not really already have 2, although I would consider it if we had gotten married) am I doing better with him in the picture? Financially..no. Do I want the next 5-10 years to be like this? (No this relationship is non-existent/feels like we are just roommates).

    I just had to ask myself ALOT of questions. And I came to the conclusion that after 2 years with him, if this is as good as it's going to get, I need to move on. He is a great guy, and a great person but not for me long term. kwim?

    I know I kind of wrote a long essay, but the point I was trying to make is, I know that Hispanics, (some of them) are very controlling and manipulative and it is sometimes just in their nature. The ex I have been talking about is Peruvian, and I have also dated a Dominican/Puerto Rican for 7 years and I can say the same about that one too. It's not what I just think based off my experience though, but what I have been told from several Hispanic friends of mine. They usually always say to be careful with them. Granted controlling men can be found in ALL ethnicities, but I do think sometimes it comes out more in a certain cultural background.

    Hope this doesn't offend anyone. I apologize in advance if I am.




    Quote Originally Posted by Jessie_tinydancer View Post
    ^ that's ok... Ya it wasn't obvious to me that's why I asked. But I get where you are coming from but ya I don't think he fits into that category... He's got a university degree, is a manager, makes good money, doesn't cheat, doesn't lie, doesn't drink or whatever, cooks, cleans if I tell him, pays my rent and car... He's not and asshole douche but he definitely has control issues and I want to figure it out before it's too late and suddenly I've lost all control. I do appreciate everyone's feedback, I'm being serious when I say it helps to read others opinions. I can test this soon. I've got a night out coming up in 2 weeks so I'll try the telling way and see what happens. Knowing what he's like the reaction will prob depend on his mood, but I'll let you all know.




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  32. #24
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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    Everyone's got their flaws, you've just got to decide which ones you're willing to overlook and which ones you're willing to fight over (pick your battles wisely).

    Personally I find it a little bit manipulative that he guilts you into not hanging out with friends just because he doesn't like you partying with them. But I think I would nag my boyfriend a little bit too if he went out with a group of guys that I wasn't particularly fond of. But it also depends on what exactly his issue is with it. If he doesn't want you to go out for purely selfish reasons, then you ought to address it. You should be allowed to have a girls night every so often!

    And as far as you having to "ask" him to go out (I'm not sure how I feel about that... seems a bit submissive and you've always come off as such a kick-ass independent woman) but it's your marriage and you're entitled to make up your own rules-- as long as you're both happy.

    Just make sure to speak up and say something about it before it becomes a huge issue in your marriage.

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    Default Re: Manipulative relationships

    Maybe hes scared of losing you even if only n a small way or amount.

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