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Thread: Ready to settle down

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    Default Ready to settle down

    Ok I guess I need to vent a little.

    A little bio before I begin: I am 28, no babies, never lived with a man. Because of all this I am feeling the urge to settle down. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 2.5 years. I actually first met him back in HS. He is divorced and is on his own for the first time ever. (he has been divorced for about 4+ years). He doesn't have any babies, but he does have a bad taste of marriage in his mouth (he is only 30). We are both in school and working on our future. He is cool with me dancing, which is a HUGE plus.

    I don't know where I am going with this. I guess maybe it could be my biological clock finally starting to tick. But with both of our busy schedules, I would love to start a life at least living together. I can wait a few more years for babies ect.

    He is very supportive of whatever I do. We have talked about everything I have mentioned above. He says he is not ready yet (which I totally get, and I am a firm believer in "doin it on your own" for awhile). He says we both have the same desires for our future.

    I guess the problem for me is waiting too long. I don't want to miss out. I have everything going for me (looks, $, school) and I don't want to waste it on a man that will just jilt me at the end. I am ready to have a partner in life, someone to live with. I am ready to have something with more substance.

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    Default Re: Ready to settle down

    I agree and relate with u wanting to settle down. I'd been eager to settle down once I hit my mid 20s (24-25). I was overwater to have babies, esp after the pain of a miscarriage I went thru at age 23, and esp when I started developing endometriosis around that time (which causes infertility, and just makes it harder and harder to get pregnant as more time goes on...I've seen it happen with people such as my friend's mom, who was able to have 2 kids in her 20s but by the time she reached her mid 30s her endo got so bad she couldn't ever get pregnant again despite paying $50,000+ for infertility treatments).

    At one point a good guy and I broke up becuz altho he was a great catch, he was trudging his feet too much about marriage and kids. Altho we were already living together. Once we hit the 2 yr mark, I started losing hope that he would ever propose. Ive herd and read that generally if an adult guy hasn't proposed or talked seriously about doing so by 2 yrs, the chances of it happening decreases a LOT. I didn't want to waste time ESP with my ticking timebomb of a biological clock, so we broke up. Half a yr later I was in a new commuted relationship and pregnant with my 1st son.

    Truthfully, I'd be leery of this guys ability to marry if he's divorced, jaded bout marriage, and still not talking bout proposals or living together well after 2 yrs. I'd suggest an ultimatum once it gets close to the 3 yr mark if ur goal is to settle down. Just dont Let him give u false promises kr lead u on, or ull end up feeling bitter and resentful later on. I've been there. But hopefully it won't come to that, good luck.

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    Default Re: Ready to settle down

    I personally wouldn't wait around hoping that someday he'll be "ready" for marriage again. Sorry, but if you've been dating someone 2 and a half years and have already been divorced for 4, but you're still jaded about getting married again, you'll probably never be there. There are some people who get divorced and never ever want to get married again - but if they are willing to get married again, they should be in that mindset after 4 years - over 2 of which being with someone new. If he's not over it all by now, when will he be, really? I'm not suggesting some nagging ultimatum, but I would at least set a definite amount of time you will still wait until you decide it's not worth it anymore and walk away. It would suck for you to wait around for several more years then find out he'll never "be ready" and have those years be wasted hopes. Anyway, that's just my 2c on the matter.

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    Moderator Jessie_tinydancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ready to settle down

    I also don't this guy wants the same things as you. Its been 4 years! He should be ready to at least move in by now. How much time does he need? Just cause he's a great guy doesn't necessarily make him the right guy for you. But I know when you love someone its pretty much impossible to choose what you want over fear of life without them. At the end of the day you have to do whats right for you. Have you talked to him about how important it is to you? Maybe he doesn't realise its that important.

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    Default Re: Ready to settle down

    Yea I'm agreeing with the other responses so far. As already mentioned, I tend to go by the 2yr rule...if he hasnt proposed or seriously discussed marriage by the 2 yr mark, odds are less likely he'd ever be interested in doing so anytime soon in the future. Also, wanting marriage from a guy who's totally jaded by commitment and/or marriage, esp due to a bad past relationship or marriage he was in, makes the odds even slimmer.

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    Default Re: Ready to settle down

    Agreed with all the comments. First off, maybe it's the type of men I date, but most were ready to propose within a year. Guys that are ready to get married will not usually wait 2 years unless they are young (younger than 30 or haven't become settled in a career). In fact I've had guys that proposed within 3 months (too soon and I turned them down). I've read stats that say that guys over 30 if they are ready to marry will propose before 1 year.

    As for divorced, while I do know of a few cases where someone was divorced, said they would never remarry, and did, my experience has been most people who are divorced will not remarry if they are anti marriage. I know others sometime disagree, but I almost always avoid divorced men like the plague. The ones I dated were very strongly ever remarrying. After my last guy (who wasn't ever married)I also avoid any men who say they never want to marry. Doesn't sound like his case, but I learned that when a man says he never wants to marry (or remarry as the case maybe)dump him and if he changes his mind (and I've seen this happen)he'll come back.

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    Veteran Member innes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ready to settle down

    Two and a half years ... wow that is a long time. I dated my ex for three years and, although we were young, he wasn't that serious about me, couldn't really imagine a future with me, like I didn't want to settle down then but after dating for so long you'd think that they could imagine the next summer with you!
    My boyfriend now ... of almost one and a half years ... and we're still young (21 and almost 21) and we have both talked and although it is never a guarantee that we will be together, we can still see it, you know. So that's kinda cool. We've made plans for next summer and stuff we want to do together and everything.
    I personally think that even if he doesn't want to move in he still needs to have a level of commitment. Future plans. Stuff invested in the relationship. That's how I'd know it was more serious and that there would be hope for the future (kind of thing). Talk to him about it. After two years you should be able to talk about the future together. If he can't even think about the future with you then I would say there isn't much hope.
    InnesX

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    Lightbulb Re: Ready to settle down

    Wow! Thanks for all the great feedback Ladies! So much great advice!


    Quote Originally Posted by Jessie_tinydancer View Post
    I also don't this guy wants the same things as you. Its been 4 years! He should be ready to at least move in by now. How much time does he need? Just cause he's a great guy doesn't necessarily make him the right guy for you. But I know when you love someone its pretty much impossible to choose what you want over fear of life without them. At the end of the day you have to do whats right for you. Have you talked to him about how important it is to you? Maybe he doesn't realise its that important.
    This, I have not done yet. I respect him wanting to be on his own for awhile. However, I don't think up until this point I have felt it to be such an important thing to me. I am ready to live with a man, hopefully with my man!

    I like the idea of setting a limit, so to speak, on the amount of time I am willing to "wait" for him to be ready. I really enjoy our time together, but I do think I need to start thinking about when enough is enough. I guess I should look at it as a goal for myself. Not like a "I'm gonna be married with babies by 35" kind of goal. But more like a timeframe to when I should move on.

    I am not too keen on the idea of an ultimatum, but I do understand the concept. Like a shit or get off the pot kinda mentality. Because if he is not ready, then I don't want to find my self trapped with an unhappy man.

    Thank you for all your insight. I'm gonna go read through all your responses again

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    Default Re: Ready to settle down

    Two and a half years and he won't move in with you? Then it's not going to happen, I can almost guarantee that.

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    Default Re: Ready to settle down

    Quote Originally Posted by Nicc View Post
    Wow! Thanks for all the great feedback Ladies! So much great advice!




    I like the idea of setting a limit, so to speak, on the amount of time I am willing to "wait" for him to be ready. I really enjoy our time together, but I do think I need to start thinking about when enough is enough. I guess I should look at it as a goal for myself. Not like a "I'm gonna be married with babies by 35" kind of goal. But more like a timeframe to when I should move on.

    I am not too keen on the idea of an ultimatum,

    2.5 years of dating isnt a lot of time when you are 22.....when you are 28 it IS a lot of time.

    You can make a time limit for yourself...you dont have to share it with him. Just tell yourself, in 6 months...if you are no closer to taking the relationship to the next level(with him knowing that it is what you want and that it is important to you)...you can get on with your life.

    Ultimatums probably will not work(at least not how you would like) A friend of mine got an ultimatum, he loved her, but didnt want to get married. So faced with the choice of losing her or marrying her, he married her. He resented it, and the marriage and the 5 yr relationship was over in 6 months.......

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    Default Re: Ready to settle down

    Ya I think you can put it to him without it being an ultimatum. Tell him how much you care about him and hope to have a future with him, that you respect that he's doing his own thing after his marriage but eventually you will want more of a commitment and you hope he will too. Then he at least knows there is a time limit to this shit.

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    Default Re: Ready to settle down

    Quote Originally Posted by BringOnTheMen View Post
    It's totally understandable that marriage has left a bad taste in his mouth, which is why you should just move in together and not worry about it. A lot of people don't like marriage but still live together and raise a kid together.

    Why is living together such a big deal? I'm 19 and I live with my bf and we have no problems, no kids, and no plans on getting married, ever. We just like waking up with each other.
    I used to feel that way, but then I realized that a woman who moves in with a man is giving up a huge amount of her independence and with no commitment to me it's not worth it, particularly in this case because she wants kids.

    Wanting children changes things.

    I would not feel comfortable starting a family with a man who is not willing to marry. Just wouldn't. There are certain legal matters concerning children and marriage that can protect both you and the future children that you just will never get with a living together situation.

    If he truly wants to spend his life with you then marriage should not be a big deal either.


    I've seen so so many of these types "afraid of marriage" string a woman along for literally YEARS, then someone else catches their eye, they drop that dedicated sweet woman in a heartbeat and end up marrying their new love within months and even player types sometimes end up doing this and all of a sudden they are a dedicated family man.

    It's usually not that he doesn't want to marry - he just doens't want to marry you in particular. It sucks when you are the person rejected though, but I think it's important to realize this may be the case so you don't end up wasting a huge part of your life on someone who does not truly value you.


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    Default Re: Ready to settle down

    Quote Originally Posted by laurielegs View Post
    I used to feel that way, but then I realized that a woman who moves in with a man is giving up a huge amount of her independence and with no commitment to me it's not worth it, particularly in this case because she wants kids.

    Wanting children changes things.

    I would not feel comfortable starting a family with a man who is not willing to marry. Just wouldn't. There are certain legal matters concerning children and marriage that can protect both you and the future children that you just will never get with a living together situation.

    If he truly wants to spend his life with you then marriage should not be a big deal either.


    I've seen so so many of these types "afraid of marriage" string a woman along for literally YEARS, then someone else catches their eye, they drop that dedicated sweet woman in a heartbeat and end up marrying their new love within months and even player types sometimes end up doing this and all of a sudden they are a dedicated family man.

    It's usually not that he doesn't want to marry - he just doens't want to marry you in particular. It sucks when you are the person rejected though, but I think it's important to realize this may be the case so you don't end up wasting a huge part of your life on someone who does not truly value you.
    This exactly. I used to be one of those "never marrying, just living with a guy" types. That is until I realized that it really does make a difference living with someone versus being married. For one you do have a bond legally whereas living together you do not. I would NEVER have a kid with a man unless I was married to him nor would I buy a house with him. You are protected if you are married, and having children in a marriage has many advantages being live ins but not married doesn't.

    I too have seen these guys who lived with a woman for years, even having kids and buying a house with them, only to meet someone else and marry them. This happens for many reasons, including not being ready to marry at the time, but often because he doesn't want to marry the one woman. I couldn't begin to mention the guys who had kids with a live in girlfriend yet refused to marry her, then found a woman he planned to marry.

    That is why next guy I get serious about I am NOT moving in with until we are engaged with a wedding date set.

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