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Thread: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

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    Dizzy How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    I know I need to work on my self esteem. I made decent money now by just chilling at the bar waiting for people to come up to me, but I know I could make twice as much if I got over my fear of approaching people and put on my hustle. If other people approach me I am fine, and 99% of the time will close a sale for a dance/dances. I know if they approach me, that I am their type and they are interested in conversation/dances/etc. but on the slow nights I need to learn how to approach people. I'm deathly afraid and I don't know why. Probably because I did bachelor parties for a year before I started at this club a month and a half ago, and bachelor parties involved absolutely no hustle.

    Any advice on getting up the courage to approach people/improve my self esteem?

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    I'm exactly the same way. I like to think that I have some sort of social anxiety but I think the truth is that I'm afraid of rejection. That's probably the hardest part of this job, being rejected. So what I do is remember that I am hot, sexy and these men came here to spend their money on me. While the last part may not be true, it's good to have that mindset. Just approach a guy from the front if he is alone, smile at him and introduce yourself. Ask him how he's doing, has he been there before, etc.. Keep it light. If he's never been there before then you can explain things to him and then ask if he's ready to have fun. If he's not, no big deal. Tell him you'll check back in a bit, smile and walk away. If he has been there before, tell him that means he knows how things work so he's ready to have some fun, right?! Nod your head yes while asking this If he still says no, then leave graciously and with a smile. Check back with him later.
    I find that approach to be easy to take rejection from. It's the group of guys that I tend to have a hard time aproaching :/

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    I'm curious to see what kind of responses you get because I too have this problem. I am terrified of approaching people and have this theory that if a customer were really interested in me he would approach me/ask for a dance/to buy a drink. I have major self esteem issues and I feel like being rejected would just validate them.
    I'm sorry you are struggling with these issues--they really suck!

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    You have to remember that men come to stripclubs to be approached by women.

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    I have the same fear a lot of the time - but sometimes I just suck it up and do it, and it turns out many guys I approach were just waiting for *Me* to do so. I don't know why I'm scared either - I do think I'm one of the prettiest girls at the club, even if I'm shy.
    But actually I tend to approach more when it's slower - more single men sitting around, instead of big groups (I hate those!). When it's reallly busy I tend to just sit at the bar, make eye contact with the hoards of guys walking around and usually I'll get quite a few of them to smile back and hustle them from there.
    And yeah, often I'll get guys coming up to me asking me to sit with them/their friend wants a dance/whatever. If guys are approaching you, you can be 100% sure there's no need to be scared. There's certainly a ton more guys waiting for you to say hi, but they're just waiting instead of going up to you. This I know, so I'm getting a lot better at going up to guys.

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    Oh my gosh. My first night was last night and it was a packed fight night. I felt like I was going to die as soon as I stepped out of the dressing room. The other girls kept saying how sorry they felt for me when they found out it was my first night. I was so scared that when a guy approached me and put his arm around me asking about dances, I honestly wanted to just run back into the dressing room and hide in a locker. I eventually got a little better at it, but I didn't approach even half the guys who were looking me dead in the eyes smiling. I could have made so much more money, but I had an awful experience in VIP and was just trying to keep my head above the water... ugh.

    I just kept having to practice. Maybe just smile at the first guy who I thought wanted me to sit down, then keep that smile/confidence and actually say hi to the next one. Baby steps in six inch heels! It was pretty painful every time I hit the floor again, but I focused on taking a deep breath, making eye contact, and if they kept it while I walked up, I'd say, "Hi, I'm _____. What's your name? Oh, JimJoshBrianWhoever, it's nice to meet you. Are you having a good time tonight?" Having that beginning on autopilot gave me a few seconds to not shit myself, which was nice.

    I also feel very separate from this person I present to people, both in a general social setting and the club, as I found out last night. So even if they did reject me, it didn't really penetrate me, surprisingly. Didn't make the fear much easier because I actually do have anxiety issues, but it's nice to know you can live through it.

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    Hmm. Maybe you have to change how you think about who is approaching whom? For example, if you make eye contact with a potential customer, and he maintains that eye contact, while giving off a general "I think you're hot" vibe, then that counts as approaching you?

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    I think that you need to remember that when you're in the club you aren't ~YOU~ but an actress putting on a personality of an awesome, strong young woman who isn't afraid of anything... least of all rejection. Just fake THAT until you realise one day that that's just who you are the minute you get into the club. You are a goddess in the club... not who you are during the day.
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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    Try viewing them as money.
    Each customer is potential money for you. Imagine how much that money means to you. Even one drink? Well that's the cost of the cigarettes I bought today, so even that one drink means I smoked for free.
    A dance? Well that's a few drinks with the girls on my night off.
    A few dances? Food for the week.
    A VIP? Flights for my next holiday.

    Even though I save most of my money, thinking about it like that helps.

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    I have only been stripping for two days (Friday and Saturday)...and I have been nervous to approach some people. However, I just generally said hi, thanks for coming out, and would strike up a convo. Most of the guys or girls coming in were easy to chat with, some had attitudes, but you just have to try to feel them out. I'm still learning and working on my courage to approach, but I know it will come with time and practice.

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    Think of a time when you approached a guy and you were successful making money from him. Re-use that intro and conversation over and over until you find something better. :-)

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    Remember that the customers didn't come into the club to do your job for you. Yes, it's totally fabulous when you catch someone's attention so much that THEY approach you for a dance, but dude, a good majority of guys are just as self conscious about approaching women. YOU HAVE THE POWER. You have to always remember that. They have the money, but they're there to see you.

    I actually have a hard time approaching people sometimes because I get self conscious that OH well they're probably going to go with the girl with bigger boobs (my main issue) or whatever so sometimes I get in this funk where I'll only approach the guys who tip me on my stage show. Which, one weekends screws me over because I only go on stage a few times during a shift.

    I guess you just have to ask yourself what you have to lose. If you can actually answer that question...is the answer worth more than the potential gain?
    Also...you're going to have to accept that you're probably going to get the answer "No" more than "Yes", but if you keep approaching every person possible, then you're going to end up walking with a lot more Yes' in your wallet than if you had waited for people to approach you.

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    @Fiona I agree. I'm trying to work my way around to as many customers as possible as well.

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    Im going back to work tomorrow after my first break. Its really helpful to read all of this because I was burnt out and didn't want to approach people anymore. You have to do it though if not you go home with a measly amount of money each night.

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    I try to think of approaching guys & making eye contact the same way I think of public speaking and that is: everyone else is just as scared or nervous as I am. Now that may or may not be true but when you imagine that everyone is on the same level as you then it somehow helps the ego. For me it gives me motivation to make the first move because it makes me feel like I'm helping THEM get over a fear instead of them helping me. Its sort of like when you see a scared little kid, you're not afraid to approach a kid because you know you're older than them and 9 times out of 10 you will know just the right things to say to help them get over whatever they're scared of.

    Just try to imagine the customer as a nervous guy who needs you to come & talk to him to help him get over his fears. Seriously when you put on the superwoman cape & start thinking of yourself as the hero to all these lost little boys (and girls) in stripper-land you will get more comfortable with approaching everyone. I don't even think about the rejection possibility, I just think about helping ppl help me.

    It also doesn't hurt to build up a high self image (whether its real or fake) you have to KNOW that they want you at their table. Everybody wants YOU at their table. Even if they decline your company or a dance you still have to believe that they wanted you there but just got too nervous once your fine ass approached them.
    Last edited by phoenixxxrising; 09-27-2011 at 12:34 PM. Reason: typo
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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    Quote Originally Posted by phoenixxxrising View Post
    I try to think of approaching guys & making eye contact the same way I think of public speaking and that is: everyone else is just as scared or nervous as I am. Now that may or may not be true but when you imagine that everyone is on the same level as you then it somehow helps the ego. For me it gives me motivation to make the first move because it makes me feel like I'm helping THEM get over a fear instead of them helping me. Its sort of like when you see a scared little kid, you're not afraid to approach a kid because you know you're older than them and 9 times out of 10 you will know just the right things to say to help them get over whatever they're scared of.

    Just try to imagine the customer as a nervous guy who needs you to come & talk to him to help him get over his fears. Seriously when you put on the superwoman cape & start thinking of yourself as the hero to all these lost little boys (and girls) in stripper-land you will get more comfortable with approaching everyone. I don't even think about the rejection possibility, I just think about helping ppl help me.

    It also doesn't hurt to build up a high self image (whether its real or fake) you have to KNOW that they want you at their table. Everybody wants YOU at their table. Even if they decline your company or a dance you still have to believe that they wanted you there but just got too nervous once your fine ass approached them.
    great way of thinking

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    Sometimes we forget that customers are as scared of us as we are of them. I'm afraid that repititioin is the only way to become less scared. I've been dancing 8 years and still get afraid sometimes, but it really helps if I feel like my body is in great shape, my hair looks good, make-up is right, etc.

    If you are into affirmations, then those work too. "I am beautiful, interesting, and incredibly sexy" repeated 100 times per day or more. Remember, you are what you think you are, no exceptions. When you know your worth you can more easily assert that to others through body language, eye contact, and the way you carry yourself.


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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    Quote Originally Posted by pipermonroe View Post
    Sometimes we forget that customers are as scared of us as we are of them. I'm afraid that repititioin is the only way to become less scared. I've been dancing 8 years and still get afraid sometimes, but it really helps if I feel like my body is in great shape, my hair looks good, make-up is right, etc.

    If you are into affirmations, then those work too. "I am beautiful, interesting, and incredibly sexy" repeated 100 times per day or more. Remember, you are what you think you are, no exceptions. When you know your worth you can more easily assert that to others through body language, eye contact, and the way you carry yourself.
    i need to learn and read up on positive affirmations and positive thinking because i'm SOOO negative and have such negative thoughts all the time... i feel like that causes 90% of the problems i have

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    There are a million reasons a customer might choose another girl over you that have nothing to do with any short comings you feel you have, your personality, or your looks. So don't take rejections personally and don't let your self-esteem get in your way.

    Think of it as being a door to door salesman. Your job is to sell yourself. Even if you have a great product, many people may feel they have no need for it and don't want to hear your pitch. It's not personal, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with what you're selling. So instead of letting it bug you, you move on to the next house. The more houses you hit, the more likely you are to sell your product.

    ALSO:
    If being rejected for dances bother you, you can start small... start by introducing yourself to customers "Hey, I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm miss1dancypants; have a great time tonight!"
    No rejection, but it gets you used to approaching people.
    Or stop by their tables and thank all the customers who tipped you on stage.
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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    is this about self-esteem or social anxiety?
    you really do not have to try to sell every man in the club. you can sell to only the men who tipped you on stage, only the men who have smiled at you or made eye contact and held it, only the men who have already given you positive feedback. rejection, then, is not really an issue.

    negative thoughts are just a bad habit. you can learn to think better thoughts with patience and practice.

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    Quote Originally Posted by DesuvsDeath View Post
    There are a million reasons a customer might choose another girl over you that have nothing to do with any short comings you feel you have, your personality, or your looks. So don't take rejections personally and don't let your self-esteem get in your way.

    Think of it as being a door to door salesman. Your job is to sell yourself. Even if you have a great product, many people may feel they have no need for it and don't want to hear your pitch. It's not personal, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with what you're selling. So instead of letting it bug you, you move on to the next house. The more houses you hit, the more likely you are to sell your product.

    ALSO:
    If being rejected for dances bother you, you can start small... start by introducing yourself to customers "Hey, I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm miss1dancypants; have a great time tonight!"
    No rejection, but it gets you used to approaching people.
    Or stop by their tables and thank all the customers who tipped you on stage.

    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    is this about self-esteem or social anxiety?
    you really do not have to try to sell every man in the club. you can sell to only the men who tipped you on stage, only the men who have smiled at you or made eye contact and held it, only the men who have already given you positive feedback. rejection, then, is not really an issue.

    negative thoughts are just a bad habit. you can learn to think better thoughts with patience and practice.

    good points from everybody. i mostly approach people who tipped me on stage or who have been checking me out. i get a string of dances from them. i've noticed i don't make more on the nights i really hustle... the nights i hustle i get 1 dance from a bunch of randoms and bust my ass, and the nights i don't hustle i get a string of dances from a few quality men and make the same amount and actually enjoy my time for half the work. maybe that kind of hustle just works for me and i can hone in on that and specialize in that. maybe THAT'S my hustle.

    unless it's a saturday night of course (which i rarely work saturdays out of choice) and i just pull the same one liner all night, "want to get me naked in VIP?" pretty simple and to the point without saying "wanna dance".

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    Good advice, I like the small steps about smiling and just introducing yourself. It's been a bad few weeks lately with few customers/mostly non-spenders. I know my confidence has taken a hit due to the sheer number of customers who don't bat an eyelid when I chat them up and lack of nice customers who make you feel good. I haven't taken it personally but the club was busy for the first time in a while this weekend and I still made bad money cos I didn't feel anything special. I could do with some advice on how to feel like a goddess again!

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    i know exactly how you feel and i was in the same boat. at the end of the night, id look at my earnings and no matter how much ive made, id hate myself because i know id make more if i approached people.

    how did i get over it? just do it. my mind will say something- id be terrified of rejection but my body would be doing something else - walking over there. if you can just physically walk and put on a sexy act- totally ignoring your racing thoughts- you can do it.

    after one rejection- i say to myself, oh that was it? that didnt hurt at all! and once you get the ball rolling you'd be totally numb to the very few rejections and feeling awesome at the many yes' and the hundred dolla bills!

    trust me, you'd hate yourself even more for not even trying.

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    My big fake tits approach customers before I do. They do all the talking for me
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
    Tempest

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    Default Re: How to get over fear of approaching people?? /self esteem. Please help

    I am painfully shy. When I'm not at work I barely ever make eye contact with people & I stumble over my words when i try to talk. But when I'm at work I tell myself that I'm there to do a job, not make myself comfortable. Statistically most guys are going to say no to most of the girls because they have something specific they want so don't take it personally, just keep moving until you find one that's looking for what you have to offer. Remember that these guys are paying money for girls to pay attention to them so they aren't going to have the easiest personalities and you really shouldn't care a bit what their opinion of you is. You have just do it and do it right away. No matter how many times you get rejected doesn't matter, it's still more productive than standing around. And think about all the times a guy came out of the VIP & said "where were you all night? I wish I would've taken you up there, you're so much more my type that the girl I was with." every night for 10 years I have had anxiety before work that nobody will like me and I won't make any money but I get there and put on my mental suit of armor and hit up every guy and keep my smile big & bright no matter what they say to me and I always make money, and sometimes I make a lot of money. I used to wait to see who was looking at me or who tipped me on stage but I missed so many opportunities that way, and the shy guys in the club who like you will just sit there waiting and wondering what's wrong with them that you don't want to come over and say hi to them.

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