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Thread: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

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    God/dess Trem's Avatar
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    Default Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    I'm curious what people's opinions are on dating the same person a second time after an initial break up; does this ever work? It would seem to me that if a relationship ends, or isn't working, it's probably not in the cards and trying it a second time wouldn't result in a better outcome. But that is just my (admittedly biased as a guy who prefers to stay single) opinion.
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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    I wouldn't believe it could unless it was a relationship that started when a couple was young and stupid and then they tried it again when they were years older and wiser. I've never given this a go, but I've fantasized about it with past guys, and when I'm honest with myself, it would never work. It took me years to get over my ex, and the entire time, I would fantasize about us getting back together. But now that the blinders are off, and taking recent interactions with him into consideration, it would have never worked out if there was a second try. He broke up with me for a reason, and half that reason was me and half of it was him - I think that's the way it is in most relationships. I've been working on me (all this time feeling like if I improved, I could win him back), but when I look at him, he's clearly the same exact selfish person who faults everyone and still only thinks of himself. Getting back together will never work unless both people acknowledge they had something to do with it, and both work on their issues... but in reality, most people either walk around thinking "it was all my/her fault" and they don't realize that they or the other person has issues that need to be fixed before things could truly come together again... or they just don't care to fix anything they see as wrong with themselves, thinking they'll find someone to put up with it eventually...

    I know that people change - I've seen it, and honestly, I've done it... but it's RARE. Most people do not take responsibility for themselves, or are too scared to change themselves, and they are the same person forever and always. 2 people who couldn't make it work the first time around, probably won't change enough to make it the second time around...

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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    It worked for me. Met my husband in 2002 (I was still in HS), married in '04, was with him til '06, divorced for a year, remarried, and now have a beautiful daughter.

    Granted, we have some serious rough patches, but so far are very happy together and love each other very much.
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    Veteran Member setian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    "It's the exception that proves the rule"
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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    I know of two cases where people broke up then got back together.

    1)My brother was going to college and wanted to date girls at his school. His high school girlfriend was going to another state and several hours away. My brother was a snot and told his high school girlfriend he only wanted her but she found out he had a college girlfriend and broke up with him and didn't talk for months. He was a sophomore I believe at this time and when he graduated he came back home and reconnected with her. A year later they moved in together, got engaged a year after that, then marriage a year after that. In 2009 they had a daughter.

    2)My parents were high school sweethearts but then my dad was drafted. During this time my mom being the beauty she was (and still is)had lots of boyfriends and refused to wait for my dad. He meanwhile got a German girlfriend (or so the folklore goes). When he got back she was dating a few guys but he pursued her to get back. They got engaged February 1968, got married in September of that year and are still married.

    I know many stories of people who reconnected. I've known people who reconnected 10+ years later even. Two of my high school classmates reconnected at my 15th reunion and got married a few years later. I've heard stories of people reconnecting even 50 years later after spouses died.

    People always say "but if it didn't work the one time why would it work again?". The answer is that when they met the timing wasn't right. Maybe they were dating someone else, or other things were going on. Maybe they were still dealing with heartache of another relationship.

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    Veteran Member innes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    The chances of it working is slim but not none. If you have matured (both of you), give it a second shot. Might as well.
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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    Not in my experience though I'm sure there's people who've done it, just no one I've ever met (I don't think.)
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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    Not for me. I had divorced my husband, married him again, and we are divorcing again. I had another boyfriend who I broke up with at least 3 times. It never got better or worked out.

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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    My boyfriend and I broke up and then got back together maybe 6-8 months later. This was over a year ago.
    There was definitely some nastiness during the broken-up period, but things are good now.

    I think for me it worked because I was getting antsy with the monogamy. I got to sow my wild oats a little more and came back realizing that while all that was fun and exciting, I ultimately wanted to be with him more than I wanted to do that.

    I think he might've had a similar revelation, but for him it was more about making time for the relationship instead of putting it on the back burner. He was a busy guy, but I felt like hanging out with friends and certain hobbies came before me and he wasn't making the relationship a priority. But since we've been back together this hasn't been an issue.


    Normally, I think that when you break up with someone trying again is going to be a waste of time. Unless maybe you really truly feel that you both have changed, or a significant amount of time has passed. But usually I feel like you broke up for a reason, and those reasons are probably still going to be relevant.


    But, from a different perspective, sometimes you just can't move on from someone until you are truly done with them, and unfortunately sometimes that means giving it way more time and energy than is wise.

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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    Im the type of person who will give anybody a second chance if I trust them enough. I usually think relationships dont work for a reason for a second chance if both parties were in a clear state and themself. BUT if one or the other was under influence of stress, work, dealing with issues over the relationship, whether its not spending enough time or too much, or too little sex or not enough comminucation then I do believe second chances are worth a try. Most couples break up without trying to resolve the true issue.

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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    Yes!

    The guy that I'm with right now, he didn't wanted me to be with him anymore last year around October (it was because when we first had sex I wasn't exclusive with him, and he didn't wanted to be "some other guy", but the "only guy"), but we had sex again in halloween...and a few days after halloween, he got some major surgery. Since he didn't had any other close friend around to take care of him, I took care of him, and since then we've been together. That's when we both realize we were meant for each other...and we're still together.





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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    This is something that can't be answered in such a general way. It's a case by case situation.

    Personally, I've given certain guys second chances and it didn't work out for the same reasons it didn't work out the first time, but my husband was a second try situation and it couldn't have worked out better. The first try involved another guy and alot of drama, both of which were not present the second time around. Now we've been together over three years and have a beautiful baby boy, so I'd say this was one successful second try, but I know that it definitely doesn't work that way for everyone. :p

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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    I think it depends on WHY you broke up in the first place. If it was something like timing or distance (like someone people have mentioned), then go for it. But if a partner was a complete asshole and you were broken up for a legitimate reason, then I don't think getting back together will solve anything.

    Assholes will always stay assholes (no matter how good they get at hiding it in order to get back together). But true love will always last. If a second try is meant to work, it will...

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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    Worked for my sister and her BF. I think they only broke up for a few months but when they got back together they bought a house and they seem really happy. I think they will eventually get married.

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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    Not in my experience. I feel like once you've broken up, even if it was over something stupid or a mistake, you'll always remember that it happened, and it sort of taints the relationship. I've had the on-again, off-again relationship before, and it is not a pleasant thing to go through. Drives me nuts when I see people doing it, talking about how they're going to "make it work." Cause then like two weeks later, they're single again. Like those people whose facebook status is constantly changing from "Single" to "In a Relationship," then back again. No way that isn't just a tool to try and embarrass each other.

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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    That's why my Facebook always says in a relationship and it's complicated. I also do that so random guys on FB don't contact me or people don't try to match me with people they know (which are usually losers with 5 kids and weigh 300 pounds).

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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    Nope.

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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    Yes, but both parties need to be devoted to starting again, which means that all the shit from the previous time needs to be let go. It takes very dedicated people but it can be done.
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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    Yes, it can work if both people go back into it realistically.

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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    It depends why you broke up.

    If you broke up because someone moved to another country or state for work or school then there is a chance things could work because the issue wasn't with either person's actions. There could be abandonment or resentment issues from the person who was "left behind" so-to-speak, though. That constant fear of whether or not they will leave again type thing.

    If two people separated because of other reasons then it might be harder to get back together and make things work. I've gotten back together with exes and it never seemed to work because things would go good for a while but the same personality-related issues would resurface over time.

    If you broke up because of an addiction or cheating then chances are things won't work.
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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    I'll let you know - I just got back together with my ex. We were together when I was 19, then split up and remained acquaintances in the 3 years since. Getting back together is interesting - Im slightly wary but Im hopeful things will work out better this time.

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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    Julie Chen from the talk says once a person shows you who they truely are believe them and move on. Its awesome advice I wish I would of herd a long time ago.

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    Default Re: Do second tries at relationships ever work?

    Yep! My SO and I are on our second try and doing great- going to be a year on Sunday. We've both grown as people, though.

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