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Thread: my brother, my mother...should I meddle in it?

  1. #1
    Featured Member OJenni!'s Avatar
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    Default my brother, my mother...should I meddle in it?

    Well I have not done anything yet, but these last few days I am wondering if I should say something to my brother.

    My mother has been on unemployment for 12 weeks now. She has been able to pick up small jobs on the side (framing doors, laying brick, renovating a kitchen).

    It has recently come to my attention that she is 2 months behind on her rent. The checks from unemployment should be more then enough to pay the rent every month.

    On top of that collection agencies have been calling ME non-stop about her loans (I was not a cosigner thank god but she did give me as a family contact). Apparently she not only took out money on a bank loan but also took out money on a "payday loan".


    My brother on the other hand is in NYC and is renting a room for $500 a month. He also pays for his cell phone (around $50), credit card bill (not sure how much that is), transit pass (somewhere around $100), electricity($50) and of course some food (say $300 a month) and dental insurance ($80). He works at a store full time hours (35-40 hrs) making $10.60 an hour. All in all I would say he makes $1200 or so a month.


    My mother feels sorry for him and I do get that. He's down there alone trying to make things work for himself. And its hard living on a low wage. Problem is she has been sending him $300-400 a month. If I know him, he's not asking her for it, but she is offering it and he is taking her up on the offers.

    I know if I mention to him how behind she is on her rent and how she has collectors calling my house 24/7 he will not take her money anymore and he will be very angry at her. But I don't really want to meddle like that in their relationship.

    My mother is chronically bad with her money. For someone her age and with her qualifications she should be financially stable and owning her own stuff by now. She has a university degree, but that career she let go down the drain when I was a kid. She graduated university around the time I was born (she was 22 at the time), but never obtained stable work and really took advantage of my father. She just did not want to work. She divorced my dad and lied to a judge about him. When I was a preteen she managed to spend a ton of money but neglect to pay her rent thus getting us evicted from our home and making us homeless. My father tried to take custody claiming that she is not financially responsible (its very true!), but the CAS (child protection) got us instead. She did not let my dad know we were going to be homeless (and she refused to let me phone my dad and see him) and he did not find out until he got a call from the CAS asking him to come speak with a worker there.

    Five years ago she got into a retraining program (which unemployment paid for) to get construction related certifications (tile laying, brick laying, grouting, moulding, etc). They gave her 27 certifications in the span of 1.5 years plus an apprenticeship. Keep in mind the university degree my mother got in 1985...well lets just say she owed over $50K to student loans which she never paid back.

    When my father first met her in the 80's she was homeless and sleeping on random couches, all the while attending school. He said he met her in one of those 24/7 coffee shops and she was drooling on a pile of books, sleeping of course. He offered her a place to sleep and a job at one of his night clubs.

    Now my father is dead and it is just my brother, mother and I. My mother lives 45 minutes from my house and my brother is in NYC.

    My mom lives in a room in a rooming house. I just feel she is very irresponsible with her money and for someone her age she could be doing much better.

    I don't want my brother to get angry and not contact her anymore. That's the one thing I would be afraid of. We talked a lot about my mother and her problems when we lived together a year ago. He said he feels ashamed that she is the way she is and that is why for so many years he only contacted her once a month. He wants to distance himself from her behaviour.



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    God/dess laurielegs's Avatar
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    Default Re: my brother, my mother...should I meddle in it?

    This is a tough one, but damn I think your brother needs to know what is going on with your mother. Let him know that you found out because of the bill collectors calling you.

    Your brother is grown and he can better himself if he chooses, and he should not be taking money from her anyway. I've lived on low wages. He is young and I'm assuming healthy. He can get a part time job after his full time job - I've done it and he can too if he needs/wants more money. Side jobs or odd jobs too.

    So he gets angry - I think he really should be because she is being irresponsible. He needs to know.


  3. #3
    Featured Member OJenni!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: my brother, my mother...should I meddle in it?

    My brother was shot 5 times, hit by a car and stabbed (cut from one end of his throat to the next) when he lived here in Toronto. He was the victim of an attempted murder. He stayed with me for the better half of a year while he recovered and did physiotherapy. He recovered almost 100% and his only "problems" are with his left hand and his right leg where the car hit. The doctors said he will most likely develop arthritis in his leg and that he will continue to need his cane for the rest of his life. The left hand works at about 95% but he has no sensation in 3 fingers, but he can move them.

    He is very lucky after all he could have been dead or paralyzed. He is pretty much fully functional. Heck he works night shift at that store and gets up on a ladder to stock some of the shelves! He can bend his bad leg to almost 90 degrees. I would say he is pretty healthy despite his minor disabilities.

    I think he could get a second job or pick up odd jobs on craigslist.

    I am angry at my mother right now. With the $700 a month she gets from unemployment that should be more then enough to cover her rent and get her a transit pass so she can get to work and look for jobs. And since she is also getting some odd jobs here and there she should be able to pay off her payday loan and her bank loan.

    The unemployment will only last for another month or two (it goes based on how many years you worked for a company and how much you earned) then she will have to go on welfare. And welfare only pays $550 or so a month.
    Last edited by OJenni!; 10-01-2011 at 01:32 PM.



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    Featured Member FiendishGyrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: my brother, my mother...should I meddle in it?

    If your brother wants to distance himself from her so bad, why is he still taking money from her, even if he isn't asking for it? He has to know she's bad with money.
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    God/dess papillonluvr's Avatar
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    Default Re: my brother, my mother...should I meddle in it?

    I would say something to your mom first
    "You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories -Stainslaw J. Lec

    Confuscius say: "Man who pull bra stap get bust in face"


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    Featured Member Spinnerette's Avatar
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    Default Re: my brother, my mother...should I meddle in it?

    Echoing papillionluvr. Talk to your mom first and foremost. I know you feel like it won't do anything because she has an established pattern of being financially irresponsible. But it's a much better path of action than talking to your brother about and having him blow up on her about it out of nowhere as that makes YOU look like the bad guy (when no one is the bad guy here).

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