How fucking stupid I've been this past 2 months or so.
I've posted about this guy before and said I was going to break it off with him, but of course I went back, until he fucked up....and then I went back AGAIN because he's a big spender. Anyway.
He's clingy as shit; won't let me talk to other dancers, bouncers or customers, or anyone else for that matter, except for him.
BUT....
He can do double dances with me and another girl. Wtf?? So I assumed the right thing to do would be totally mature about it and not show anger or jealousy, because I wanted to enforce that casualty.
Well, this girl will let him get away with whatever he wants. He touches her, kisses her, licks her everywhere imaginable and she doesn't say a damn thing about it. that's what you're into? Ok, fine. But THEN he started trying that shit on me and initially, I stood my ground and told him no. But he. Started ignoring me and taking her into the champagne room, thus my main cash resource is done.
The past couple of months, I've been politely trying to shove his hands away and continue dancing like nothing's wrong; meanwhile, I am absolutely pounding tequila (like, 10 shots or more) during my few hours with him. But good, top shelf tequila doesn't even get me tipsy anymore. So what did I do? I switched to vodka..and pretty soon became tolerant to that as well.
Then the other night....once again, I asked him to stop touching me and he says, "you have to let me get away with it once in a while."
NO, I DO NOT! Something just kinda clicked in my brain and I RAN out of the VIP room and told the bouncer about him, resulting in him being removed immediately.
I feel like I just woke the fuck up and saw myself doing ALL of the things I promised myself I would never do....allowing hands to wander and getting shitfaced just to tolerate it. And no matter how much I drink at work, I can't erase the damage it does at home. My husband can't touch me without making me shudder!
I worked the rest of the night and made a "lousy" $150 in addition to what he'd given me...but it was the best $ I could've made because it was honest and not attached to all of that bullshit. And it was SUCH a good feeling to realize I can survive without him.
At this point, I actually consider myself to be in recovery; from what, I don't know. I have no desire to drink but I actually feel traumatized, sexually and otherwise. I've spent the past couple of months destroying my own body and living in constant fear of losing this one damn customer...he just had a way of making me think if he wasn't around, I would be completely broke. If I felt sick
k, I would go into work anyway because otherwise he might get pissed off and "punish" me. I eventually bought a prepaid phone so I could talk to him outside of work, or again, he might get mad and leave. And the worst byfar was allowing him to touch me.
Ladies, do NOT follow my example. If this sounds like you, then stop it, before it gets worse...because it WILL get worse. Do not even bother talking to people who have these kinds of jealousy issues...its purely a manipulation tactic.
And if you're reading this, thinking "I do this all the time and its not that bad," stop lying to yourself. The damage you're doing both physically and psychologically isn't worth it. There will always be that girl who goes in the back, let's them do whatever they want and then they expect it from all of us. Don't be her, or in this case, me.
Ok, I'm done. Sorry for the rant.



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