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Thread: Is asking for space selfish?

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    Featured Member JoJoX's Avatar
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    Default Is asking for space selfish?

    I love my boyfriend to death but he's a little obsessive and it's affecting my work, my social life, and other areas. It's a long distance relationship and he's always calling, its kinda embarrassing when I'm around other people. Sure, I like to talk to my boyfriend here and there but not 20 hours out of the 24 hours of the day. He always wants the name of every single person around me, I can never get away with "Hey, I'm with friends I will call you back." And if I don 't give him a brief bio on everyone around me he gets really upset.

    I can never go through a full movie without him interrupting.

    Couple of days ago we got into a fight because he gives me a hard time every single time I go out and he did this pretend breaking up with me thing which I never took serious, didn't talk to him in a few days and it was probably THE most peace I have ever got since I've been with him and it was wonderful. I even banked at work both times. Now he's calling me back and I am really annoyed with him.

    I don't want to break up but is asking for space selfish?

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    Veteran Member Amareth's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is asking for space selfish?

    I don't think asking for space is selfish at all in this case. In fact I think he's being the selfish one expecting you to compromise your work and social life by spending so much time talking to him.

    How long have you guys been together? Has it always been long distance and if not is he this clingy when you're together? Sounds like he's hella insecure and even if you say he's a great guy and don't want to break up the fact that you seem happier when you're not in contact with him says otherwise.

    I say just be honest with him, tell him it's too much and you feel it's affecting your friendships, invading your personal time and most importantly having a negative impact on your income. Be strong and give him a limit to how much he can call/text you per day or maybe try having one or two days a week where there's no contact.

    You could always sugar coat it and say he's not giving you time to miss him. Long distance doesn't have many perks, one of the few is getting all excited when you hear from your SO but he's making it a chore to answer the phone.

    If he can't handle that this is the way you feel you really need to look at whether this is a healthy relationship.

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    Default Re: Is asking for space selfish?

    can you put your phone on silent? this solves so many problems.

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    Default Re: Is asking for space selfish?

    Sounds like my ex. I was with him for 2 years and one year of the relationship was long distant. The more clingy he got, the more suffocated and turned off I got. It got to the point the thought of kissing or sleeping with him disgusted me. Even though he was a 2 hour drive away I could feel his hands covering my face so that I cant breathe. If I didnt answer the phone he would call again seconds later. I know what you” re going though and to answer your question no you are not being selfish. One phone call a day if that is good enough. if your bf keeps calling you eventually there will be nothing left to talk about. Lettme tell you once I left my ex I felt so relieved.

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    Default Re: Is asking for space selfish?

    Can you maybe speak to him about organising a skype date once a day instead? Then he gets to see you and you get to make it a planned, once a day thing.

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    Featured Member SuperJa's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is asking for space selfish?

    It sounds like LDR is really not working for him.

    My phone would be off so fast every time I went out if that was going on.

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    Default Re: Is asking for space selfish?

    Honey, you need to live your life the way you want to. Do things for yourself. He needs to stop revolving his life around you and he needs to get a life of his own. I suggest you read the book "Why Men Love Bitches."
    "Do what thou wilt..."-Crowley

    http://exoticallyneurotic.blogspot.com/

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    Default Re: Is asking for space selfish?

    Quote Originally Posted by kassie View Post
    Sounds like my ex. I was with him for 2 years and one year of the relationship was long distant. The more clingy he got, the more suffocated and turned off I got. It got to the point the thought of kissing or sleeping with him disgusted me.
    This a million times! My first bf in high school was like this too. He'd call several times a day, keep me on the phone for at least 45 minutes each time (I was never allowed to be the one to end the conversation cuz he'd get pissy), and if I didn't answer, he'd just keep calling calling calling until I picked up and then give me the fifth degree on why I wasn't answering his calls... I too had to break up with him eventually because it got to the point of the mere thought of him trying to touch/kiss/caress disgusted me so much it made me physically ill. I honestly worried that if I didn't break up with him, the next time he tried to kiss me, I'd push him away and hit him.

    This behavior is ridiculous. You need to see if talking to him about it does anything. I know when I tried to bring it up to my ex that I would appreciate a few less phone calls, he got all butt-hurt and it turned into an argument of him accusing me of not wanting to talk to him, so nothing ever really got solved... but as you can see, it doesn't end up working out long-term if he can't tone it down. I like camille's suggestion of putting your phone on silent. Have a chat with him, and if he keeps calling too much, put your phone on silent and only check it when you are done with your social function/movie/whatever. It isn't selfish to want to be able to get through a couple hours without a probing phone call.

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    Default Re: Is asking for space selfish?

    Quote Originally Posted by JoJoX View Post
    I love my boyfriend to death but he's a little obsessive and it's affecting my work, my social life, and other areas. It's a long distance relationship and he's always calling, its kinda embarrassing when I'm around other people. Sure, I like to talk to my boyfriend here and there but not 20 hours out of the 24 hours of the day. He always wants the name of every single person around me, I can never get away with "Hey, I'm with friends I will call you back." And if I don 't give him a brief bio on everyone around me he gets really upset.

    I can never go through a full movie without him interrupting.

    Couple of days ago we got into a fight because he gives me a hard time every single time I go out and he did this pretend breaking up with me thing which I never took serious, didn't talk to him in a few days and it was probably THE most peace I have ever got since I've been with him and it was wonderful. I even banked at work both times. Now he's calling me back and I am really annoyed with him.

    I don't want to break up but is asking for space selfish?

    Tell him....(dont ask him if its OK, just tell him) that you have had it with this, and from now on, when you go out with your friends, you are NOT going to answer your phone to talk to him. And then dont.

    And if he ever gives you a hard time about going out, just say....'I'm going out with friends and we arent going to have a discussion about it, now, isnt there anything else you want to talk about?'

    It doesnt sound like this long distance relationship is worth the hassle it is causing you, but if you continue to date him, just lay down some ground rules. Take some control.

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    Default Re: Is asking for space selfish?

    unfortunatly for me, my silent buttun switch on my iphone broke when i dropped it. such a tradgety.

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    Default Re: Is asking for space selfish?

    ^^ Shutting it completely off works just as well I do that a lot when I don't want to deal with the calls of someone but don't want to seem like I'm purposely not picking up - I turn the phone off completely so I don't even have to deal with the guilt of seeing but not answering their call, plus it should go straight to voicemail without ringing on the other end, signaling to the other person that it's off and you're not just ignoring them on purpose.

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    Default Re: Is asking for space selfish?

    Quote Originally Posted by JoJoX View Post
    unfortunatly for me, my silent buttun switch on my iphone broke when i dropped it. such a tradgety.
    Turn the volume down all the way in your settings.

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    Default Re: Is asking for space selfish?

    You are NOT being selfish. AAAhh my last boyfriend was like that. It was awful. I really saw the way things were when I was out with my friends and felt embarrassed. Talk to him and see if he agrees with it. I am sure you will see a lot about his character whenever you bring it up to him.

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    Default Re: Is asking for space selfish?

    thank you so much guys.

    i knew he is in the wrong in this situation but i just figured since we are in a relationship together, i dont want to be the one who comes and goes whenever i feel like it. and i wouldnt like it if he did that to ME.

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