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Thread: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

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    Member StaciJewels's Avatar
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    Default Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    So I have been with my bf since I was 16 years old and now im 20. We have basically been living together since I turned 18 and it has never been a healthy relationship. He does take care of me financially but he has always seemed.....whats the word....dumb? Like he doesn't think....and he follows his friends. Waaaay more to the story but I don't want to upset myself this morning by getting into all of the drama.

    I have been wanting to move back to Atlanta for years now and I feel this relationship has come to an end because I have went over and beyond trying to fix it....im just done and I want to move on with my life.

    I have read about a few of you ladies on SW moving but I have never lived completely on my own before.....so im a little scared. Im planning to move from Ohio to Atlanta early next year (around March) but I have no idea how much money to save....and im scared of being alone. It's like.. I have lost so much of myself since I have been in Ohio and I have been unhappy for so long that im afraid of starting over again alone. I have lost most of my old friends in Atlanta but I do have 1 old friend that wants to help me get back down there.

    I know this post is all over the place, sorry! My questions are... Have you ever moved out of state alone? How much should I save? How do I forget about the past so I can move on with my future?

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    Featured Member SuperJa's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    Firstly, good on you for realizing when a relationship is over. Moving to a whole different city is definitely going to help you with the moving on process.

    Ok, I've never moved out of state but some advice:
    -Since you're dancing, you probably can't easily verify your income. Figure out how much rent is going to be where you're living, and have multiple months saved- the more the better. If you can pay 4-6 months of rent up front, most places will be fine with you not having a paycheck to show them.
    -There's no real magic amount to tell you to save, other than "as much as you can". Figure out what your expenses are and try to have multiple months saved in case you end up not making what you expected. Also, lots of random expenses can pop up during moves- things break, etc.

    As for forgetting about the past, it's not going to happen overnight. But moving on and having some alone time is going to be really good for you- too many people surround themselves with people and rush into another relationship without really putting the last one to rest. By doing that, the same mistakes will probably happen again.

    Things to keep reminding yourself:
    - You are a strong independent woman. You don't need a relationship to feel validated.
    -You are a likeable person. Friendships will happen, don't obsess over them.
    -Fill your time with positive activities. Work out, take classes, pick up a hobby- something you've always wanted to try. Volunteer (this is great because there's lots of potential to make great friends).
    -You are 20. It's okay to not know everything or have your entire life planned out. I know I sure don't.

    And finally, keep hustling

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    Featured Member FiendishGyrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    Do you have a bunch of stuff to move?

    Because if so, I'd say save up enough to put the stuff in storage for six months, save up about $1-3K, and just head to Atlanta. Why wait? Couchsurf, or stay in a cheap weekly motel, dance, and keep saving up more until you can get your own apartment or have researched roommate situations.
    Ungoogle yourself:


    Also, now offering phone sexins!

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    Default Re: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    I wrote this up awhile ago, but it may help you out!

    "I've moved all over on my own: several cities in FL, Atlanta, San Francisco, Seattle, Las Vegas, Austin, New Orleans, now Vancouver... the list goes on and on.

    This is the process I usually go through. So real quick: WHY California? The job market isn't good right now, they're paying some people in IOUs. Within the dancing community you have SF which is over saturated (ask BringOnTheMen, she's been posting about it), Los Angeles or San Diego; which are both high contact and riddled with prostitution. On top of that, when I lived in SF from 2005 - 2006, rent for a small studio in the Tenderloin (one of the worst neighbourhoods in SF) was about $850-$1000 a month. I lived in SoMA the first six months in a loft, and my rent was $3200 a month. That's not a typo. After my divorce, I moved to Haight Ashbury with a room mate- and my half of rent in a 2 bed 1 bath 900 sq ft flat was $950. My sister in law and her ex paid $1200 a month for a shitty one bedroom apartment in Van Nuys, and that was in 2005.

    What I am telling you is, $1200 will NOT get you very far in any part of California especially with no job lined up. Don't depend on the stripping market out there. Every time I have ever moved, I have moved without a job, so for me to be saying that has to be pretty serious.

    When you decide to move, here are a list of things to take into consideration:

    a) Make up a list of your obtainable cash projections, and aim LOW. When we moved from New Orleans to Vancouver, we took inventory of what we could sell (estimated LOWEST value), what checks we had coming in for SURE (my husband was working a trade show, working for a theater and I was bartending), how much gas would cost (aim HIGH- figure out how many miles approximately you get per tank, divide this by the number of miles between destinations A and B), food cost (even during a day trip you get hungry), plus INCIDENTALS! What if you need a hotel? What if you get a flat tire, or your car breaks down (happened to us when we arrived to Vancouver!)? Finally- deposits for utilities, apartment, parking, first month's groceries! These are all things you need to factor in to your cost projections.

    B) Take as little as possible. What do you NEED? What you don't need, hock on Craigslist or eBay. You may love your mom's vintage mixing bowls, but how bad do you need the cash?

    C) Think about some qualities about cities you like when thinking about where to move. For example, when I asked my husband this, he said he liked cooler weather, being closer to his brother, and the atmosphere of the Pacific Northwest, like Seattle and Portland. Seeing as both of those cities are great, BUT suffering from a crappy job market- I suggested Vancouver, which has all of these things PLUS a thriving economy. What are some things you like about California? If it's the weather in Los Angeles, try Myrtle Beach,North Carolina. If it's the political climate in SF, try Denver, Colorado!

    D) Be scouring Craigslist and publications local to your desired destination EVERY DAY before you leave, and while on the road if you can. Work on your resume, ask your friends, parents or someone else you trust for suggestions. Even if you don't get a job before you get there, at least you'll have yourself out there, or can schedule some interviews for when you arrive. This also helps you adhere to a schedule.

    E) In addition to looking for jobs, look for a place ASAP. Hotel are stupidly expensive. We got held up in Bellingham overnight, and even though we stayed at like, a Super 8 or something... it was still over $90 and that's a tank and a half of gas! The cheapest place we stayed on the road was $65, which again- tank of gas. If you have friends across the country, call them up- see who you can couch surf with. Also, look up the local hostels. They can save you a ton of money.

    F) Last but not least, be prepared for ANYTHING. If you have a pre-paid phone (a lot of people do!) make sure you have minutes. If you're driving through colder climates, buy tire chains. Bring a gas can with you, just in case. These things do happen! From NOLA to Vancouver, we encountered: Ice storms in Louisiana and Texas, unprecedented stop in Denver due to heavy snowfall in Colorado, road closures, lots of extended hours we did NOT expect (24s in the car SOLID from Dallas to Denver due to the ice), got turned away at the border the first time due to bad record keeping in NOLA which led to said night in Bellingham and turning around and going BACK to Portland to stay with my brother in law which was an extra FOUR DAYS behind schedule, missing the job interview I had lined up in Vancouver, our clutch crapped out in the middle of downtown Vancouver AT NIGHT which led to two extra days in a hotel AND over $200 towing fee and $500 repair (our car is relatively new too), the first apartment we liked got snagged before we could get it leading to mad dash to find an apartment, then the job search... You NEED to be aware that this trip is NOT UNUSUAL.

    If you're mature and do it correctly, all of this doesn't take long. We managed to get our shit together and get the move in motion within six weeks. You can do it! The longer you stick around some place you don't like- the less likely you'll end up leaving. So get your moving plan in place, check off your list- and GOOD LUCK!! "

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    Default Re: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    ^^ I was told yesterday by one of my friends that the license has gone up to $370 a year for Dekalb County. They only take money orders for it so keep in mind you can't charge it.

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    Veteran Member kikidejavu's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    About 3,000. When I was getting ready to move to Chicago I looked on roommates.com and roomster.com for a roommate since I dont have enough credit or verifiable income to get my own place.

    I went down for a weekend looked at the 4 apartments from the roommates I had contacted earlier and chose one. I paid the first months rent (get everything in writing!!!!), and went back home to tie up my loose ends. (work, school, say bye to everyone).

    my place is 1500/mo but luckily we split it 3 ways. I know atl can be expensive too. 3,000 is what I took with me and its a great cushion for a few months rent and living expenses until I get in the groove at a new club.
    "We are the coolest mothafuckas on the planet....The sky is fallin ain't no need to panic"... -Outkast

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    Default Re: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    Thank you ladies, you gave me really good advice. I am a camgirl so luckly my job will go with me, the hard part now is not backing out. I am afraid of being alone out there which is normal....I will just have to get over that fear. I appreciate all of your help, now I can start planning this move.

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    Default Re: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    If you let me know what your budget is for rent every month, I can give you an awesome breakdown of affordable neighborhoods. Out of the billion places I lived, I stayed in ATL the longest.

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    Default Re: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    StaciJewels - you sound really smart and self aware and I expect you'll do just fine on your own. Feeling scared and alone at first is normal, as you know. That feeling will pass, and you'll be kicking ass in no time. Good luck

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    Default Re: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    yep homesickness happens when you first get there. After you start getting busy going to school/work/meeting new people youll be fine. Once you start going out and get into a nice routine youll be super comfortable at your new place!
    "We are the coolest mothafuckas on the planet....The sky is fallin ain't no need to panic"... -Outkast

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    Veteran Member innes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    Monitor how much you and/or your bf spends right now on things. How much is rent? Also be sure to consider utilities, Internet, phone, cable. Do you drive ... how much is your car? Insurance? Gas? Transit pass? Add on things like insurance, food, clothes, etc. Figure out how much you need to survive per month.

    What kind of things do you have to start out at your place? Do you have your own bed, desk, and other furniture or will you need to buy that too? You can start out with very little ... but you'll still need the basics!

    When you purchase an apartment, they usually need first and last month's rent upfront. They also need proof of employment as well ... if you're a stripper or camgirl, you'll need to figure that out! Plenty of resources here though.

    Expenses are different in every location. Where I live, I calculate my monthly expenses: rent (550), transit pass (130), groceries (150-200), phone (70), etc.

    As for being alone ... of course you'll be homesick ... but you'll get over it ... and you will survive . It can be difficult. I moved to this city and I knew no one. My bf was an hour and a half away which was convenient that he could visit some weekends but still ... I was still alone! But you get used to it. You go out and do things and learn about the city .
    InnesX

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    Default Re: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    I moved A LOT the last few years and I can honestly say that if I was single without kids (I'm not) there is no way I would relocate with less than 3,000 in my bank... last time I moved I had a confirmed job, but once I got there they decided they didn't want the position to start for 3 weeks... then my fuel pump went out on my car... then I broke my hand & had medical bills... it was NOT a good situation and I ended up depleting all my savings REALLY quickly... Now that was a lot of crap to happen, but still you never know...

    I also want to second the fact that if you really need to get out then please just go, domestic violence shelters will be glad to help you out in more ways than just lodging. Most have other programs that can help you get back on your feet as well as counseling if it would help you to talk to someone about those last 4 years.

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    Default Re: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    xoxdefyinggravityxox,

    I liked your post because it contained an important factor of life - uncertainty. Idiomatically, we call it rainy days. How well we plan for this directly affects how smooth (or not smooth) our lives are going to be.

    -------------------

    StaciJewels,

    I am not aware of your expenses so it will be hard for me to tell you what you exactly need to save.

    But if I were you I would ensure:
    a. I have three months of rent
    b. Enough money to buy food/petrol for three months
    c. Cushion money should an emergency occur

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    Member StaciJewels's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    Thanks again for the advice ladies. I just want you all to know that I am moving out the first week of Feb, I have found a nice apartment and my family has been very supportive. My mother and aunt are helping a lot with figuring out expenses, school, ect. I decided to move back to Georgia (I have family down there ICE) and I am sooo excited. I'm not even afraid of being alone anymore! lol.

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    Default Re: Unhealthy relationship - How much to save before moving out of state?

    First time back to this site in years (I used to be Naomi_Tx) and I'm so glad I read this thread. Thank you for the advice ladies, I just wish I had read it 3 months ago when I set off across the country, and unfortunately, back again.

    My only words of wisdom, don't let the confidence and determination, you have now, convince you that leaving him behind isn't as much an issue as surviving on the road. I planned and hid money away for months, I won't bore you with my horror stories, I'm sure we all have experienced physical/mental abuse at some point, but despite my resolve, I crumbled out there alone.

    I'm not the same independent woman I was 10 yrs ago, when I moved to Dallas without knowing a soul, I've allowed myself to be beat down emotionally for so long that I just don't have it in me anymore.

    I didn't realize that the fanticies of freedom I obsessed over for months, while I saved money (I haven't worked in years so it's his money I'm hiding away) were not my determination, but the survival instinct taking over. In reality, I didn't plan things out right, didn't force myself to socialize and work, and instead, hid in my car and various hotel rooms in 6 states I'd never even been to before- and I'd been around. lol

    I hope you're smarter than I was, I've been back for almost a week now and he's worse than before. Don't go back!

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