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Thread: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

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    Veteran Member SweetPinkCupcake's Avatar
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    Default How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    How'd you do it? I seem to end up with the same guy or relationship, just in a different skin. . over and over and over. . toxic, fighting, me being a dumbass and putting up with the disrespect and mistreatment because I miss how perfect and real I thought it was in the beginning, over and over and over. .

    I'm taking lots of time to do me, even though my heart is so heavy with hurt I just want to jump into a rebound to get over it, but I won't. I just want to know if anybody finally got out of the toxic relationship cycle, because my hopes are damn near crushed right now. I feel bitter about getting into another relationship and it being real and meaningful and trusting ever again, I feel like I'm burnt. And I'm only 23!

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    I took a break from relationships. I had been dumped many years ago by a guy I really liked so I went into a tailspin and dated many guys. Most were toxic beyond belief and I decided I'd rather be alone than with them. Society pushes people to be with others but once I quit dating for a few years I was able to heal myself.

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    Veteran Member SweetPinkCupcake's Avatar
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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    You are SO right. Society does push people to have a significant other. I think I need to get more single friends. . that don't sleep around all the time, that is.

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    I have been single for like 7 years now and I am not feeling the healing O_O .

    I did finally get over that relationship though. I recently let a jerk have sex with me though. I feel like my entire life is a fail.

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    Quote Originally Posted by SweetPinkCupcake View Post
    You are SO right. Society does push people to have a significant other. I think I need to get more single friends. . that don't sleep around all the time, that is.
    It's really awkward for me to go out with my promiscuous friends... I used to be more flirty when I was single but then just nosedived into bitch mode, and then got a bf. But one of my best girls just CAN NOT resist the urge to pick up a guy whenever we go out pretty much.

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    You have to learn to be happy by yourself. You can't just be single and keep wishing and hoping for a guy...you have to really learn to genuinely enjoy yourself. It's impossible to be happy in a relationship when you can't be happy on your own, and the only kind of guys who would WANT to date a girl that depends on them for her happiness are the kinds of guys that are toxic and/or emotionally and/or physically abusive.

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    I started a thread about "what you look for" as in a mate..relationship. If you get past the surface answer of money, status, looks & of coarse big cock..lol & look at what you are truly looking for & what your partner offers.

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    Stop
    Dating.

    Take some time for yourself, love yourself, enjoy yourself. The more time you spend alone the better you'll be able to detect bs.

    Or better yet date but don't sleep with any of them. You'll see much more about a guy if you're not giving it up and if he's pushy about it then you know that's all he's there for. He has a hand and he can use that anytime.

    I see dating now as: how much bs do I have to tell you before you'll bend over for me.

    Generally most men are not looking for relationships, but hook ups. If they do want a relationship , it's usually because they want to bang someone on a consistent basis. Guys in relationships have more sex then the single guy. Because the single guy (if he's not paying for it) generally has to go through the convincing phase with every new woman. Dinners, dancing, surprise gifts, etc. He has to whoo her to bend over. What guy wants to have to do that over and over again? That shit gets expensive. Get in a relationship and now you're going from $300+ dinners to $12 dinners. He's getting sex more because you'll always around. Some days you're over just hanging out watching a movie on cable and he gets a piece of ass. No real work involved. Not spending as much. etc.

    If you're going to date just go out and enjoy his company. If he's not ok with that only then you know what type of guy he is and you didn't even need to sleep with him to find out. Win Win!

    Don't even fall for the well you don't seem to be attracted to me because you will not........
    Are you gay because you don't want to........
    The last girl I dated wanted to have ......... all the time. Best girl ever! lol

    Or worse: Well I want to come over but I just feel you're not ready to take things to the next step.

    Trust there will be all kinds of mind games to get you to give it up.

    One guy was really skilled with how he worded things. I remember I went over for dinner and he's like ooh spend the night it will be fun. He already knew that I wasn't "that type of girl" so I went over with my cute pj's ( not a sexy number) but comfy. He tried to make a few moves and I was like wait you already know I'm not that type. So he left me alone and went to sleep. Originally he said in the morning we were going to do all these great things. But when morning came he was like "ohh I have some depositions to go over and blah blah etc". I was like wait I thought we were going to make a day of it. He was like well we can get back in bed and have some fun but you don't seem interested so yeah I don't have the time. lol

    I wasn't that shocked but I was super glad that I saw him for who he was.

    I remember this same guy on our first date tried something similar. Telling me to come by the following day for a sushi /yoga /champagne party on the sun deck. I was all excited but this was " if you stay the night bs line" I obviously didn't stay the night and bid him a great evening after he sadly tried to make some lame seered ahi tuna. He thought I was going to f*** him and by morning he would do a "I'm busy let's rain check on the sushi party". I'm not that dumb but it's obviously worked for him before.

    Some guys have learned that it's not about doing anything but promising to do things that make women feel special. He had money, a nice body and a home that was to die for.

    But granite counter tops are not enough to make me flat back for some guy. Again it's been working for him in the past but I decided to wait it out and see exactly what I was dealing with. So glad I did.

    My best relationships were with guys that did for me without me asking. That were patient and took the time. There of course were other issues that came up later on but generally those are the ones that lasted the longest.

    The " I'll promise you something to day that you'll have to stick around to see tomorrow" types are growing in increasing number in the dating pool.

    Plus with my current employment , I'm way to used to getting things today and delivering during and after. With camming and some phone realistically I just don't have "free time" since my time is typically being paid for.

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    I disagree that most guys don't want a relationship. Maybe it's because I am older but the guys I am meeting are desperate to get married. Now in my 20's most of the guys I knew wanted lots of sex but as you age you look at things differently.

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    I feel you. I had a string of very toxic relationships, from drug dealers to alcoholics, and I'm only 21. I was never even the type to "look" for relationships. I'd just fall in with these fucked up guys and I never seemed to get out of the pattern. Once I hit the fourth psycho though, I had to accept that there was something about ME that was attracting those men. Once I did that, I thought about where I drew my models for relationships from, and I realized that my mother's serial monogamy and emotional dependency had fucked with my head a lot. I went back and thought about why I was with each man I had been with, especially the ones I stayed with when I knew I ought not. It was a running joke with my friends that I only attracted abusive assholes (in retrospect, I've no clue why they found it so "funny"), so I stopped talking with them about my relationships, because it was bringing so much negativity into my life. I made a promise to myself that the next person I was with wasn't going to be the product of me settling or getting bullied into a relationship. I even got a tattoo about it and didn't show anyone, because I wanted it to represent a life choice that was very personal. Once I began focusing all of my thoughts/energy on the positives and the future rather than my negative past, I met a genuinely wonderful guy. He's kind and giving and everything I never found in the others. We don't have a dramatic, difficult relationship. It's mellow and easy and makes for a very nice life.

    Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that negativity attracts negativity. In your post, you call yourself a dumbass and recount your mistakes. Fuck all of that. Forgive yourself. You admit you put up with shit you shouldn't have, but you did it because you wanted love. Forgive yourself, forgive the exes, keep telling yourself you have until you do. Work to understand your own psychology, go to a therapist if you need help on it. Undo the thought patterns that led you to unhappiness and so much more will open up to you.

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    ^ That was completely on point. When I was younger, I went on a downward spiral and my whole life was upside down. I was dating assholes and getting used. In the midst of my worst and most emotionally abusive relationships.. while we were breaking up and getting back together every month, I met a guy who seemed very interested in me. At this point, I was single (for the time being) and went on a date with him because he was so nice and respectful.. so different from what I was used to. We ended up dating for 2 years and he put me back on my feet. I got my life back together and learned what I wanted in a relationship and how I deserved to be treated. Although I did not appreciate how controlling he was, I think he really helped me. There are so many assholes out there, you have to sift through them, almost like at work. You have to quickly spot the jerks and leave them alone so you can find the respectful gentlemen who will treat you the way you deserve. Since then, I have only dated men who treated me right, and always on my own terms. Good luck! I know things seem rough now, but once you overcome it, you will be a much stronger woman.

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    Agreed. I dated a string of assholes because I thought I couldn't get better. Once I realized I was happier being alone than settling is when I found a great guy. Though we broke up we still stay in touch and he's a great guy. He made me realize good guys are out there. Right now I am looking for a boyfriend but refuse to settle just to have one. I have standards and he needs to have them.

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    I just snapped. I quit dating for a looooong time. I realized I needed to make myself happy and quit jumping into relationships with these big money guys because they were 'hot' and it made me feel important. I stayed single for awhile, then met my SO at a 9 to 5 job I had. He's nothinggg like my previous men, which made me standoffish to him at first. He's a skinny geeky (and oh so adorable) guy who makes a modest living as a painter. I was so turned off at first because he wasn't as "tough" as my previous... :/ but finally I gave in and went on a date with him and its all sunshine and rainbows after that.

    Moral of the story is, you need to realize you're worth more than how these so called men treat you. Quit dating for awhile and focus on yourself and your job. Become a boss bitch LOL. And whenever the time is right and all has healed up, go after the opposite of what you went for before. Think of those assholes as learning experiences of what NOT to go for.

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    You cannot get a different result if you keep repeating the same thing. If you want to be respected, you have to seek out a man who will respect you. It is that simple.

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    I dated a really nice guy for a really really long time and he eventually felt like my brother (high school sweetheart etc) but after we broke up I had the absolute WORST taste in picking men. They were either complete liar arrogant douchebags and for some reason I didn't see it until they burned me and I dropped them like hot potatoes, or they were very intelligent, academically successful introverts who showed themselves to be creepy, insecure, and controlling. I guess I just thought, well, I'm dating and dating is supposed to be fun and good for learning what you like, even though I wasn't bothering to screen people out early enough and was really just embittering myself.

    I then ended up getting sick of it enough to "casually date" a pretty great but terribly emotionally unavailable guy for about 5 months, but that ended as obnoxiously as the others, and I was all ready to hunker down and make my bird my #1 man when my bf came around. Someone who would come over to my house, share a beer or two, have great conversation, and then who would excuse himself in a couple hours to go home instead of pressing to make our way to my room. We became close friends so when we did technically start dating it felt right.

    It's hard but you have to wait until you find someone you can tell wants the same thing (and I'm still no expert), so any way to sense they want mutual respect, monogamy, and intellectual/emotional growth.

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    self love

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    i have a similar thing going on except i find it hard to let go of the one guy
    http://forum.stripperweb.com/showthr...20#post2265420

    self love and high self worth are very important. he almost sweet talked me away from the door when i was about to leave him. but i wasnt gonna give him that satisfaction.

    maybe after you take a break from dating, try outside your 'type'?
    i know i sure as shit will.
    dating musicians is overrated.
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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    Quote Originally Posted by lifetravelergirl View Post
    I have been single for like 7 years now and I am not feeling the healing O_O .

    I did finally get over that relationship though. I recently let a jerk have sex with me though. I feel like my entire life is a fail.
    The trick is to start thinking about why you have chosen the guys you chose and why you stayed past the point of seeing red flags. try this resource to get you started. Get a journal and go to it! www.baggagereclaim.com
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    Quote Originally Posted by LunaXO View Post
    go after the opposite of what you went for before. Think of those assholes as learning experiences of what NOT to go for.

    That statement is perfection and exactly what I am going to do. Bc i tell u the super hot, or well off guys r always the biggest d bags around.

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    God/dess BlkSharpie's Avatar
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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    After my husband, and then my ex-bf who was much like him, I ended up taking a 3 year break before meeting the next guy...who was much like the last two. I really thought all that time and reflection helped me, but in the end, I made the same mistake with who I chose.

    Im right now trying to do the whole go after the opposite of what I like thing, but the problem Im running into with that is...I dont like anything about them. Which makes sense if I going after the opposite of what I like. What a conundrum eh?! lol

    Im 34 now and wonder sometimes if I will meet a good guy, one that isnt the opposite of what I like, but is a guy I just like and am attracted to, who isnt a jerk who cheats and lies..seems like not much to ask for, but so far it has been. Im not going to lose hope though...for sure, I know better now what to look for, and I also no better about myself not to put up with certain things and let a relationship that I dont need to be in, progress into more than it deserves to be. Hopefully, that will help me stop wasting time on the wrong guy.
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    Quote Originally Posted by shift_6x View Post
    That statement is perfection and exactly what I am going to do. Bc i tell u the super hot, or well off guys r always the biggest d bags around.
    I used to think that, but while doing a dating inventory I realized the guys who treated me like crap were all ugly and most were overweight. What is odd is none of these guys were my "type" but I took a chance going out with them and wish I hadn't.

    I can't explain it but the guys I am attracted to often don't like me and the ones who do are the ones I find repulsive.

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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    Be single for a LONG time. No dating. No nothing. Become married to your work. Network. And meet "higher up" men... meaning (not saying this is what you did, but this is what a lot of girls I see do) not random men at bars, weirdos on the internet (unless its a paysite like eharmony or match.com which would mean they are more likely to be serious), or any other place "players", lowlifes, & losers are likely to hang out. After some time, network with friends & maybe even in your industry. Have friends introduce you to friends. Go to social events when invited by people who are good influences.

    You could always: go for a completely new "type", move somewhere new, make new friends... But my advice is still don't date anyone for a long time.

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    Veteran Member Artema's Avatar
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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    Stay away from OKcupid! Just sayin. In my experience it's hard to sift through the BS as many women here have said. And yes, take everything from what you learned and use it to screen out the abusers/users/jerks. I apply this to not just men but any possible toxic person.

    SweetPink - At 23, you should be grateful that you went through those experiences. I don't mean to sound callous here but you will be much the wiser for them. When I was 23 I was still in my first (real) relationship Kind of lame but unlike you I didn't have a "toxic radar" and stepped into an overly co-dependent relationship. It ended horribly... 5 years later (and in a relationship too!) and I'm still getting over that ass of a man. I'm three years away from 30!!!

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    Veteran Member SweetPinkCupcake's Avatar
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    Default Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    Thank you, guys. Yes, I am staying single for awhile. I surround myself with fun people and friends, but I'm not stepping the line. I'm moving to a major (but expensive) city in 2013 where I have a small group of friends so I'm just focusing on work. I can't take the "you have to get married now, have natural childbirth and children before age 30, and get a corporate job" mentality here in D.C. any longer.

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    Mind Blowing Re: How did you get out of the cycle of toxic relationships?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    I used to think that, but while doing a dating inventory I realized the guys who treated me like crap were all ugly and most were overweight. What is odd is none of these guys were my "type" but I took a chance going out with them and wish I hadn't.

    I can't explain it but the guys I am attracted to often don't like me and the ones who do are the ones I find repulsive.

    I can see how some guys r such complete slobs that they dont respect themselves let alone u but I can tell u from experience the pretty boy can-be-on-the-cover-of-a men's-health-mag suck as well. They are full of themselves and end of loving themselves more than anyone else. An avg yet cute guy is better in my opinion. Those types if u find the right one, tend to appreciate a hot girl to a higher extent than the ultra hot guy who everyone thinks is hot even other straight guys in the room.

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